The bearers of the Elements of Harmony are in disarray. One of their number has been lost to them. To get her back will mean travelling to a world nopony has heard of, where they'll have to risk never returning home. Is saving a friend worth more than their lives in Equestria? The magic of friendship is all they have to depend on.
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Awesome first chapter! Good emotion, I like the mystery, and i can't wait to see more!
You should find a cover art! There's tons of good pics of humanised Mane Six!
2286556
Ah yes. I keep opening more tabs and forgetting that important notch on my non-existent "to do" list.
2271731
Thank you so much! I'm very appreciative of your support.
2286556
2271731
I agree with my previous writer
2286556>>2293593
Better?
This is really well done! The emotions carried through very clearly and it had me attentive the entire way through. I hate seeing Pinkie sad... it just ain't natural.
Definitely doesn't deserve any of those dislikes. Wtf. People can be stupid.
Please continue!
saw you say you got no feedback on this. Ill read it and do so.
2470450
Negative, specifically. Got a few (3) positive comments
Thanks
Two problems I see.
At first I thought this was a surprise twilight is an alicorn fic and moved away. Then I was like....Ok so she is dead? Then why does spike think she will come back? If she is missing then.....why arnt they searching for her or still holding on to hope.
Also your choice of story picture would turn away a lot of readers. Also I just realized they were human in the story.....Why?
2470492
Um ... They're not.
Something tells me you didn't quite read the story properly. (Or the description?)
That may be my problem with readers, though.
2470500 Oh well I still stand by the picture thing. Plus now that I know this is a PIE I can say that those have been done to death and they allways touch on subjects that are very tierd. At least thats the general feel.
2470508
I get you, but I'm not so sure you can say whether this will have any cliche themes at all from just the first chapter, which is only setting up the central conflict. What subjects do ponies on earth stories generally touch on? Because pretty much every ponies on earth story I've seen is "pony randomly appears, human has to help them adjust/get home" and my story, just from its opening and the characters displayed, isn't anything like those.
Good first chapter, I enjoyed it and ya got the hook just right. In other words I want the next chapter, and I want it right now.
Since ya asking for some feedback I will oblige and give ya both positive and negative.
Postie
- The flow seems good, from one scene to another things make sense and the overall feel it not lost.
- Ya done a dam good job showing off some interesting side of the Mane 6 with sadness and loss kick into their lives. Especially Pinkie Pie, the scene of her under the books was a nice touch, and talking to the cook ingredients was pure genius.
- The hook is good, as I already said I need to know what happens next so ya better make with the next chapter and make it snappy.
Negative
- Seems ya started to use actual speech dialog for Applejack's and Big Mac's lines in the story. If ya intent to do that you really should fix that up so it is done properly. A friend of mine who specializes in both Southern and Bronx ascents gave me a list I could forward them to ya. One example I will give is anytime Applejack says "I, I'm or I'll" it should be "Ah, Ah'm or Ah'll" instead.
- To be honest I could think of a few other issues But until I see a few more chapters I can't confirm any of them. So will wait till ya put a few more chapters in before I get to those points. Also since I know ya will bug me to no ends until I tell ya what points I will say now, but not I not sure to I see more of your writing to tell okay. Points include flow control of a story so far good but I see a few hints of it going south, but until more to go on impossible to tell. Some points in the storyline seem a little over explained or pointed out. Do have few more but they main ones.
2666649
I already gave you the next chapter, back when you were offering to proofread.
Also, accents are a tricky business. Most people don't like AJ's accent being written into the story as well, and I've already pointed out on a few occasions that I think the accent you've written into your story is too thick to be easily read. Because that is the issue. It is style vs. readability. It's no good ticking all the boxes if a reader has to slog through a story trying to decipher sentences. So on the point of accents, I must respectfully disagree.
edit: upon re-reading, it looks like I purposely took out all the 'Ah's. Hmm.
I'm glad you updated this! I was getting worried you had abandoned.
Something here should be removed. Probably the word "is" esp. since it's Rarity, but remove "will be" and it works pretty much the same. Or change "is" to "it".
Also, there should be a period after "breath", right?
...On that note, I'd be happy to read through for wording issues or typos.
2807359
:) Never abandoned, just postponed.
Plus, the hassle about proofreaders drove me a bit nuts.
If you want to look over for typos and stuff, that'd be cool. I'd really like something in-depth, but it's not like I have people jumping at the chance, haha, so whatever you could do would be cool.
2831817
lol, yeah just drop me an email.
Well... I can try!
Faveing and upvoting. I don't see a reason for people hating it, personally. And I can at least look it over for typos grammar errors and what not. Been an age since I did more in depth but I might be able to pull it off. And this looks good.