• Member Since 31st Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 24th, 2012

Derparoo


I'm new to this whole "writing" deal, so once I get some work posted, critique is very much encouraged!

T

After spending months fighting for their lives in Nazi Germany, Edward and Alphonse Elric believe they have crafted a way to reopen the Gate of Truth, and return home to their world. However, without the aid of their alchemy, the brother's find themselves separated, and in an unfamiliar world with even less familiar bodies. Combining their alchemical powers with unicorn magic, can they find a way back to Amestris?


Hey all. I've never let anyone see anything I've written before, but I decided it would be good to get some opinions on this story I've been working on. My first fanfic, and really just something that came into my head. I don't believe there are a whole lot of FMA/MLP crossovers on this site, so I may as well throw mine into the mix! If anypony has any title suggestions/would like to design a cover, I'd really appreciate it! You all could probably do better than I could!

For you FMA fans, the only solid details I'm drawing are the obvious facts about the Elric's, and that this story would take place after the Conqueror of Shamballa movie.

Enjoy, and critique is both encouraged and requested!

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 153 )

BUCK YEAH!!! FMA CROSSOVER!!!!!!! FMA CROSSOVER!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!

*Edit* That was the best FMA crossover I've seen yet!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE MORE I DEMAND IT!!!!!!!!

While I prefer the manga over the first anime, I can't complain here. You have a good start, it is a little rushed but then given how awkward it can be to start a crossover you did well. There are 3 FMA/MLP crossovers on fanfiction.net, didn't like any of them myself, I like your story so far and I will be looking forward to more chapters.

Definitely write more of this. :pinkiehappy:

bucking genius.

177936

I read the original manga, I loved it. I watched the original FMA TV show, and I can't even express how much I enjoyed that show. Even to this day I want them to finish that series. I hated FMA: Brotherhood though... It was to Animeish for me, and thats why I love the origanal FMA cause it wasn't like the others, it was powerful and epic.

(Not for you) I liked where this story is heading, I want to see what happened to Al and I want to see how Ed reacts to life in Ponyville.

177952
Don't get me wrong, I liked the first Anime I just liked the manga's story more epically the ending (I haven't gotten around to watching Brotherhood).

Back to the story; I am looking forward to seeing the main 6's reaction to Ed and Al's story. I'm guessing something along the lines of :fluttercry::raritycry::pinkiegasp::rainbowderp:

hmm, i've been reading fanfiction for two years, and i have one thing to say, WHY HAVE'NT YOU POSTED BEFORE, if you were afraid no one would like it, then you're nuts, even thou it was short for my taste, it has a certin...Spice to it. i'm lookin foward to another chapter.

-WW

Ok, that's for Edward... Where did Alphonse go? I think he's gonna be back in an empty suit of armor again. Pony armor! Can't wait to read that :rainbowlaugh:.

Tracked for future FMA awesome

this is a good start, tracking and looking forward to more

Wow, I was only gone a few days, and already so many comments! Thanks a lot everyone, this is already way more attention than I thought I'd be getting! Don't worry, there will definitely be more coming! And, after reading all of your questions/reactions, I can say that I've already planned to address all of them! Thanks for the critiques, I'll have them in mind when writing!
Thanks again, everybody! :pinkiehappy:
Also, as far as FMA goes, I am a HUGE fan of the manga, 2003 series and Brotherhood! I could never pick one over the others, but, seeing as they'd already addressed the parallel universe theory in Conqueror of Shamballa, it was the easiest to write in.

Also, anyone who wants to create artwork or suggest an alternative (better) title, I'm open to just about anything anything!

not bad :moustache: can't say its the best writing ive seen, but its DEFINITELY not the worst. looks like this'll go places, as long as you keep it up :pinkiehappy: i reaally dont know much about FMA, seeing as ive only watched like, the first 10 episodes of brotherhood, then got sidetracked by futurama, and later by ponies, and here i am now. but what i saw was good (and incredibly frightening) stuff. (seriously, that talking chimaera that was actually the little girl scared the living daylights out of me. :pinkiecrazy:) but yeah keep this up! :moustache:

186872 Yeah, FMA and Brotherhood are really dark, but so worth watching if you get the chance! Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate any advice I can get. :)

Hopefully the pieces will look more polished as time goes on...I'm still learning the ins and outs of this website. :unsuresweetie:

Nice! I can't wait to see what happens next.
I've read a lot of stories where the authors have some trouble finding the right mix of detail and speed for driving the plot, I'm glad to say that I'm not seeing that problem here.

Every good detail, nice ploy, good use of show refrence, and great scene discripsion. Keep it up, can't wait for More.

-WW

very good detail, nice plot, good use of show refrence, and great scene discripsion. Keep it up, can't wait for More.

-WW

Looking good, I just realized another reason why using the movie is a good thing; Ed actual would know enough about automail to make replacements, they wouldn't be as good as Winry's but they would be fully functional. Now the only problem I have is waiting for the next chapter.

THIS WAS AMAZINGLY AWESOME! I love the way you captured the characters!

Fillies and gentlecolts, it's crossover time!
Anyway, it's pretty good so far; though I think gathering up the gang to make some auto-mail as quickly as you did was a bit rushed. In any case, I'll track for now - rating pending. I await more, so keep up the good work. :twilightsmile:

187266 Yeah, I know what you mean there. It was a bit tricky to balance meeting up with the mane 6, seeing as the focus is meant to be the Elric's. I might go back and redo the second part when I get a chance. Thanks for commenting! :pinkiesmile:

For the love of all that is holy! Make more PLEASE I loved Full metal alcamist,Continue on my good friend!
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187123 that aint hatin. lulz.

I like how you type the story. Its easy to read and understand where this is going at. I'm so going to track and watch you man :rainbowkiss:

Definitely a good story man, I am gonna have to follow this. While a lot of people usually demand for chapters to be longer (like with what I'm trying to do now. wanna please my fans) I see that short ones are nice too. They don't drag on and you can release more chapters in a short matter of time. Making your fans happy that updates are coming often.

-DHG BRONY

celestia's solar-flaring orgasms. is this chapter the same author?? :pinkiegasp: so much improvement, bro. top-notch job. seriously, man, this chapter was fabulously written. keep up the awesome! :moustache:

You're writing style is very similar to mine, so I'm happy for you. This story is great! I'll track and favorite. P.S. Just curious, but will Ed get his favorite red overcoat back?

188524 Thanks so much! :pinkiesmile:

Bro you
must
make
more
or
karma
pinkie
will
come
after
you
HARD

Next chapter now

Finally, you all get to see how Alphonse is doing! :rainbowkiss:

Nice, story is looking good. I imagine Celestia will be getting a letter from Twilight soon.

201909Next thing you know time has gone faster in germany and Hitler is in power and finds a way into equestria.Or not....i make impossable guesses...

This looks much better than the other FMA/MLP crossover I have read. Well done, thought out, few issues here. Keep up the good work. :pinkiehappy:

The one thing i like the most about this is mostly.....how Celestia interacts with Al who used to be human and explains to her about humans and etc BUT in good details. (Sorry if it sounds a bit off)
I read most crossover stories involve with humans and ponies which I'm fine with that. But some often rush about telling them their humans and explain things too fast I guess. Yours however is just pretty much simple and explanatory so brohoof man, brohoof. :twilightsmile:

201974 hitler in equestria... i must write this. of course, i wont. too many other things to write. ah well!

201909 awesome job here :pinkiehappy: keep it up!:moustache:

This chapter was the best yet. Well written, informative, well-paced. Nice job. Keep'em of this quality and this will go swimmingly. :pinkiehappy:

202141 202280 Thanks a lot! I've been putting a lot of effort into picking out what should and shouldn't be included. Thanks for commenting!

202820 Be carefull of making it ''to easy'' for Ed and Al!
You may also look for a ''little'' comical relife, concering a two-limbed out-worlders meeting with a certain brash pegasus or a honest and concise earth pony.

203039 Don't worry, there are plenty of laughs on the way :pinkiehappy:
Ed and Al will have their fair share of difficulties as well :rainbowderp:

203064 Then I shall leave this matter in your capable hoofs to....handle?

Keep up the good work!

BTW.... Good chapter.

203123 Thanks a lot! I really appreciate the input, and the support :pinkiesmile:

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