When Queen Chrysalis was defeated, she was blasted to the inhospitable Badlands. Separated from her army and starving for lack of love, Chrysalis is rescued by an unknowing pony who points her in the direction of the nearest town: Ponyville. As the battle-worn queen treks to the small town, she decides that she is tired of fighting a losing battle and would rather just settle down and live a normal life. But old grudges don't just lay down and die, and Chrysalis somehow managed to choose the one town home to all six of the ponies responsible for her downfall.
Chapters (5)
Hmm interesting, gonna watch this
This is promising.
So far I'm really enjoying this and love your description of the story, please continue to write more.
2266586 Chapter two will probably - probably - go up later tonight, once I can get a few peaceful moments to finish typing it up. Everything is being typed via Nexus 7 for the time being, so it's not an especially fast process.
Well written rebuild/redemption fic? I think I'll stick with it a bit and see how things go. I do wonder though, how Chrysalis could possibly not know that the mane six all live in Ponyville. I mean, you don't think Shining ever mentioned to his supposed wife that he had a sister that lived in Ponyville? A sister that happened to be one of six bearers of the elements of harmony? I feel that, impersonating a royal at the time, Chrysalis couldn't possibly be unaware of the elements locations.
2267755 I'm sure that Shining told Cadence where his sister lived, but there remains the question of when Chrysalis took Cadence's place. For my purposes, I'm assuming she neither knew nor cared where Shining's sister was from, especially considering that Twilight and her friends were never a threat to her before they arrived. (Or after, really. If Chrysalis had just let Twilight genuinely believe she had made a mistake in accusing her, she would likely have succeeded. Also Twilight's relationship with her friends and family would have been severely and permanently damaged.
)
DAMN Chrysalis, you scary!
Oh! Snap! GUUUUUUUUURRRRRL!
FEEL THE HATE
The French must be getting to her :P but I guess a former ruler of an entire race needs to indulge in an arson every now and then.
Given the amount of PURE RAGE I feel whenever I speak French, and the fact that chrysalis is now teaching it... arson seems like a perfectly reasonable ventilation method. Yup.
Oh Chrysalis, just give it up. Don't seek revenge any further than this, or you will inevitably be discovered, put in prison, and then given a nice blast from the Elements of Harmony. It's not worth it just to get some petty revenge.
A little arson never hurt anypony, right?
Oh wow, I get a strong feeling whats coming up though about what people believe about the fire, and what that causes
Missing quote
Whenever you mention a book title you put it in quotes, but book titles are generally italicized.
Should be one word
'out' not 'put'
Chyrsalis' dialogue is a lot less formal in this chapter. That may be an intentional part of her disguise, but she doesn't talk that way before and it's a bit jarring.
There's a few sentences with an over-abundance of subjects and it makes them hard to follow ("Twilight stood next to the white unicorn, the moon visible above them through the blackened branches of the library." and "Squirming against her friend's hold on her, Twilight let out an anguished cry coupled with a second blast of empathy that hit Chrysalis like a stone." stood out to me but there were a few others). You may want to keep an eye out on comma use and sentence arrangement in the future.
The absence of the rest of the main six is starting to get conspicuous--their brief cameos in this chapter make it worse.
You're also using hyphens (-) instead of em dashes (—); hyphens connect words and em dashes mark interruptions. You can use 2 or 3 hyphens without spaces (-- or ---) to stand in for em dashes if your keyboard lacks that key.
Other than those quibbles, I'm quite eager to see where this is going; keep up the good work
So all of Twilight's friends, after watching her see her house and her books burn down, left her homeless in the middle of the street at night? Because she was too devastated to respond? I am sorry, that just makes no sense whatsoever. Enjoyed the chapter otherwise and I was very glad to see an update, but that really bugs me.
2418909
Typos and book titles have been fixed. Thanks for that!
Chrysalis's dialogue is getting less formal intentionally, but yeah, I probably should have taken it a bit slower.
Em dashes are an enormous pain. I never have had them on a keyboard and have never really had a clear explanation of their use. The improperly used hyphens in this chapter will be fixed (eventually), and all em dashes going forward will be properly used.
The mane 6 cameos really are a bit clunky, and that's something I also plan to fix going forward. I should also be noted that the two halves of this chapter were written nearly a month apart, and that had a detrimental effect on style consistency.
Thank you very much for your criticism! It's a huge help to me as I continue writing. I'll keep your tips in mind as I wrote chapter four.
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I never liked that scene, but I also was having a hard time reworking it. It might help to mention that the library was never completely uninhabitable. It would be like sleeping on a concrete floor - it would suck, but you could do it. Chrysalis wasn't taking in a homeless pony; she was providing an unlucky pony a better place to stay.
Also important is the bystander effect coupled with social facilitation. People (or ponies) tend to go with the crowd (or herd). This is part of why mobs form, and also why a person who is denied aid by one member of a crowd will likely be similarly denied by the rest. The reverse is also true – unfortunately for Twilight though, Chrysalis didn't offer her help until after the crowd had dissipated. Hope this clears things up a little bit.
I bet Chrysalis will be found out fairly soon, probably by Twilight. She'll probably first react angrily, but then when she cools down, act more favorably toward Chrysalis.
Also, it would REALLY shake things up if Shining Armor/Cadence came to town.
This is awesome! Can I have a clearer description of Salchonic, though? I don't wanna draw a wrong version of her in pre al.
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Salchonic is meant to be very monochromatic. Her coat is solid white and her mane and tail are solid black. I'd imagine there would be a bit of a fade around her fetlocks and muzzle, going from a light gray on her upper legs and close to her eyes and intensifying to solid black on her hooves and nose. Her horn fades similarly to black.
I'm kind of undecided on the color of her eyes - they would either be gray to keep with her color scheme or light green to show her true identity.
Her cutie mark is meant to be a play on the famous optical illusion of the two hands drawing each other (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/ba/DrawingHands.jpg).
Hope this helps! If you need any further description, feel free to ask.
The guilt is going to kill her.
... It's kind of strange to be so weak against guilt for a skilled deceiver like her though.
I assume that this weakness is caused by her own grief that cause her to empathise with Twillight's whereas she would normally laugh at her misery.
Well I have to say Chrysalis and Twi's character development was done excellently. Moreover, the general pacing of the story for the first four chapters works brilliantly...
Still, there are a few problems. After all of Twilight's anguish for losing her home, you'd think she'd be more furious at Chrysalis... There... just needs to be more character interaction, a way to bring the audience in with the characters. While the story stands by itself, I only wish the principal characters Twi and Chrysalis get more development
Its a good story though. I wish you happy writing.
This was a nice little story. I quite enjoyed it.
Derpy and Big Mac fo sho. WAIT! Seen it before...
I really enjoyed this story. I hope you choose the Derpy x Big Mac story. Always a good pair.
I'm glad to see it finished but sad at the same time. Maybe I'm simply seeing things I want to but with the way you ended it, it feels like there could be a possibility of more!
Regardless, thanks for the story. Fave Like and follow for you my good sir.
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I have to say, this was a very touching and unexpected story. Have a fav and hoof up.
Should be "is".
if only they had that spell during the show. Golden oaks would live again.
Aura color has never been dependant on coat color. Only eye color and only Celestia and Cadance violate this rule.
THis could have gone on much longer.
Great potential cur short. not going in my completed or an upvote.
One issue that's sticking out to me so far is that the narrator switches back and forth from "Chrysalis" to "Salchonic" in ways that don't always make sense. For bits from Chrysalis's perspective, the choice of name should tell us something: either she (and therefore the narrator) still mentally considers herself Chrysalis, or she thinks of herself as Salchonic to better stay in-character. And for scenes from other ponies' perspectives, they only know her as Salchonic, so the narrator should refer to her that way, too.
Other than that, this is a good story so far, and I'm interested in where it's going.
This is the closest any fanfic has come to matching the spirit of the show. (That I've read)
Chrysalis began to feel sorry for Twilight far too quickly. This is her mortal enemy who just destroyed her plans and life, and she feels guilty that Twilight's upset that her home burned down? I don't buy it.
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Because she destroyed Twilight's Army the same way that's because she destroyed Twilight's Army the same way her Army was destroyed
C'est très simple Français vous avez utilisé...
Mais, pour les enfants.