Convergence Series: Journeys

by TheGreatEater

Chapter 30: Twilight Sparkle: Fears

The great thing about being an Alicorn in Twilight’s opinion was that boosted her special talent to levels far beyond that of a normal unicorn. Where originally she was an A class unicorn with the power of four unicorns. As an Alicorn she had the power of twenty, add that into the fact that her understanding and use of magic had only grown as the months had passed. This had allowed her to have an understanding of the spell and what she was up against. Although she knew that this wouldn’t help her overcome the trials. Since from what she saw in the spell it created not just illusions but tapped into the very core of those who entered it and used it as a power source for the spell itself.

She didn’t know weather she should be overjoyed at this learning opportunity or filled with dread of the things she knew she would have to face. After all what is more scarier than facing oneself? What can you hide, when the thing your going up against is you? Your fears, your memories, your dreams. All that makes you, you. But she was determined to see this through to the end as she made her way through the fog.

She was busy examining the magical nature of the fog coming up with nothing. When the fog shifted and she found herself in her younger self. Staring at the world of her five year old self at her parents. As they looked over test papers that they had given her to prep her for kindergarten.

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“This is unacceptable Twilight. You got an A minus, where is our A plus?” Her father said disapprovingly.

“Sorry daddy. I promise to do better next time.” A young Twilight squeaked sad that she again disappointed her parents.

“We gave you a tutor, one of the best. Do you know what that means?”

“No.”

“It means that you are expected to do the best. We are an ancient, noble family. There are certain expectations that are expected of us. We have a reputation to uphold and we can’t have our daughter failing us. At least your brother showed interest in a worthwhile endeavor while joining the Royal Guard, he’s going to go places. But you? You haven’t shown any real aptitude for anything. So you need to study more, and less time doing frivolous activities. You can be frivolous after you got a good job, make good money, and have financial security.

Until then you need to keep your nose on the grindstone. Study harder. Then prove that you are a Sparkle.” Her father lectured her. While her mother glowered disapprovingly, “But we aren’t cruel. We have you a study buddy to help you with your work.”

Twilight had tears on her eyes on being lectured on how she had failed her family. But her ears perked up on a study buddy. “You did? I never had a friend before!” Twilight said jumping up and down.

“And you don’t need them. They are a distraction to your studies. No we got you a Mr. Smartypants doll. It’s better than a living friend. Since he will help you study and learn.”

With that her mother levitated a Mr. Smartypants doll inside it’s box with it’s notebook and pencil accessories. As well as another box with three outfits. A detective, an archaeologist, and a scientist outfit. Twilight eyes sparkled as she got her only friend other than her BBBFF.

Her next test she got an A. Her father told her that she could do better than a 95%, and he expected 100%. Her mother than sat her aside and told her that she bought her the Smartypants doll for her to succeed. It wasn’t good for her to waste her potential by not being the best. It was from than on that she dedicated every waking moment to reading everything she could get her hooves on. But alas even when she did get 100% on a test her parents rather than praising her acted as if it was expected of her. Nothing to celebrate.

That was her life until she saw the Princess raising the sun. It inspired her, made her want to excel at magic. Her mother told her that her family expected her to succeed. Her family did have failures in their family tree. The threat while never stated out loud was that if she failed her family she wouldn’t be a part of the family.

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The fog shifted from that memory to the day after she gained her entrance as Princess Celestia’s protege’. Her parents stood beside her and looked at her as if what she accomplished was what they expected. It was her mother who broke the silence first. “Since it was Princess Celestia’s raising of the sun that was the inspiration for you learning magic, and it was us who brought you. That counts as your Cuteceanera, don’t say we’ve never done anything for you.”

“I know mother. I am truly thankful for everything you’ve done for me. Are you proud of me?” She asked hopefully.

“Why should we be proud? You are expected to do great things. You’re a part of nobility, only commoners are expected to accept mediocrity. And you are her protege’, but she could cast you out if you fail her. As a Sparkle you will not disappoint her, nor by extension will you disappoint us. Your future depends on you remembering what we taught you. Nothing is more important for you or your future than your studies and being the best.” Her father gave one last lecture before sending her off to the castle.

Twilight looking back on those long forgotten memories thought that, that had something to do with her fear of disappointing and failing those around her. Why she had mental breakdowns when she wasn’t perfect in everything she did. As well as why she obsessively planned every moment of her day. It’s also why she probably avoided her family like the plague. The comments of how she had to preserve the family honor, and lectures of being the best grows old after awhile. She hated the fact that even as the Element of Magic, knighted by the Princess, and Savior of Equestria they found fault in everything she did.

They tried talking to her after she became a Princess, but if it took ascension into Godhood before they could accept her than she didn’t want their acceptance. That didn’t stop the mental scars that they created, nor did it stop her from being mentally terrified of disappointing those around her.

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Twilight took a trip down memory lane. But each memory was twisted to the nightmares she still suffered from. Nightmares that when she had them made her wake up in a fear covered sweat. She remembered when Discord was freed the first time. Her pain as each and everyone of her friends started acting weird. From Apple Jack lying, Pinkie Pie’s anger, Rarity’s avarice filled delusions, Fluttershy’s Violence, to Rainbow Dash taking off leaving them all behind.

When her friends all left her she was heart broken, if it wasn’t for Celestia’s timely intervention Discord would have won. If any of the others had manipulated Twilight’s vulnerable mental state she would never have had the courage nor the ability to care enough to read the scrolls. That knowledge of how easy it would have been for her to not see the key to returning her friends to her haunted her.

Than her teacher now marefriend had to be stupid and taught her what Discord was truly capable of. Of the things he did in the past, and with her intelligence and active imagination for bad things only fueled her nightmares.

She remembered when her friends turned their backs on her during the Royal Wedding. Discord was one thing, but when her friends turned their backs on her it was so much more heart rending. That even Celestia was disappointed was the worst thing ever. It was in that moment that her worst fears came true. Her BBBFF practically disowned her, kicking her out of the wedding. Her friends left her without a word. Her mentor and number one assistant were vocally disappointed in her. She lost everything in that moment.

Then when it turned out that she was right, they never apologized. They just acted like everything was back to normal. As if they didn’t rip out her heart and crush it under their hooves. She had nightmares of that day from time to time. She didn’t know weather Discord was worse or not, since this time they left her on their own free will. With her hindsight, if she failed to not attack Cadance or worse kill her like she wanted to do. Or if they were even a minute later where Queen Chrysalis could seal the deal with a kiss taking the last little bit of Shining Armor away into herself. Or even if she stopped her monologue long enough to keep Cadance and Shining Armor separated than the last memory that Twilight would have before being turned into food for the Hive would be their fight.

There was so many different outcomes where Twilight and her friends would fail and she was scared with how close it came to that. Knowing what she knew about Changeling feeding habits and how they resort to eating the bodies of their victims after they’re drained of all emotions, other than those used in breeding farms to incubate the Queens eggs and give rise to new Changeling types. Than when they can no longer breed are devoured by their young.

She remembered the day she failed to send a friendship report. All of her friends laughed at her. Blowing off her worries. It took her mind breaking, and the Princess to come down to fix the problem before they took her seriously. Looking back she knew that if it wasn’t for her Smartypants Doll she would have went to more desperate measures. That wasn’t something that she normally thought about. But it worried her none the less.

Than there was this fiasco. All it took was a small mistake. A simple incantation, that should never have caused a spell to be cast to begin with. For her friends to abandon her again. For all the times she was their for them. For all the magic she learned about the powers of friendship. They always abandoned her, leaving her for the slightest problems. Just like her family taught her. If you aren’t perfect than everypony will leave you.

The fog shifted after these tormenting torrent of twisted memories tainted with her nightmares and fears flooded her mind. With her mind falling into depression from the old wounds of her past opened and bleeding she found herself standing before Celestia with her friends and family surrounding her. Looking down on her with a look of contempt they turned around and walked away from her.

“Why are you leaving me?!” She asked as they ignored her and kept walking.

“Why are you abandoning me again?! What did I do?! Let me know so I can fix it!” By this time she was getting desperate for anypony to talk to her. Her irises turned into pinpricks and a manic grin spread upon her face as she teleported before her marefriend. Only for Celestia to walk around her acting as if she didn’t exist.

She went from pony to pony only to be shunned. Then she broke down and went from an everything can be fixed mentality to heart broken as everyone that she ever loved or cared about left her. She was truly and utterly alone. Being an immortal goddess now she had an eternity to live without the company of anyone. At this her body finally grayed.

As she cried herself to sleep she thought back to her life. She couldn’t believe that she forgot about the spell and wasn’t prepared for this. But it was hard to preserver against something that ones memories used against you. It was even harder that she wasn’t in the wrong when she was abandoned. Everyone she ever cared about left her for no reason, or the slightest misunderstandings. When this clicked. That not only was she left and abandoned for such things she went livid. It was that need to force them to apologize, to let go of that pain she had been holding for so long that gave her the drive to move forward.

As she moved forward the fog shifted returning her into the hallway. She went to the next room her mind in a haze of anger from the wrongs dumped upon her. But she knew that coming up was another obstacle till she was able to speak her mind. She also knew that she couldn’t afford to move on in blind anger. Not if she was to do this right.

Comments

[TheGreatEater]

2586026

Yeah I felt bad about her Fears and Darkside chapter. But I enjoyed setting up their future shipping. They'll be such a cute couple.

[Deathpony45]

Damn. Twilights parents are assholes. Lie seriously calm down. Anyways I lie how you delved so far down into Twilights psyche in this chapter giving us readers a deeper understanding of the character as a whole loving what you're doing with her