• Published 12th Mar 2013
  • 16,766 Views, 186 Comments

The Twilight Struggle - Lapis-Lazuli and Stitch

As Twilight Sparkle enters her third year amongst her friends in Ponyville, she finds herself plagued with strange dreams of an unknown power whispering dark secrets to her. What is this voice, and what does it plan for the most faithful student?

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Afterword - Authors Notes

So there it is. Twilight Struggle in all of her rough and tumble glory.

Today, I put the completion capper on this story. It's kind of ridiculous to think I only started writing this thing 15 days ago, and now I have 55 thousand words of story. Crazy.

But this part being complete places me in a place I wanted to be in since I started this story. I've completed a fic and gotten it's story fully out of my head and onto the internet. Personally, I'm pretty proud of that.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to clean up a lot of the earlier chapters. Very little in the way of story modification will be done, but I feel the need to make it a little prettier and a little less incoherent at points. Once it's done,I intend to submit the completed fic to Equestria Daily and other pony fiction sites as a completed work. A 55 thousand word 1 shot, so to speak.

I've got a lot of feels and thoughts about this story. I personally think it's a damn fine piece of work that suffered from not enough initial exposure. It's my firm hope that the next part, Twilight Fall will help bring more readers around to checking this piece of work out.

To those of you who Favorited my story, Thank you so very very much. You are the ones who gave me the inspiration to keep going until this thing was done, and to try and keep the story going on to the next part.

For now, details about the second part will remain under wraps until such time as I am satisfied with the first four or five chapters. Though given my love for writing, that probably wont take as long as I think it will.

Keep your eyes out for part 2, The Twilight Fall!
Also coming soon, my moral-exploration fic, The Code's Apprentice, also coming soon!

Until then gentlecolts and fillies, I remain humbly yours,
-Lapis Lazuli

Comments ( 49 )

I really feel you ought to mark this as an alternate universe story.

You think so? I really don't get into the alternate stuff until late in the story. I dunno.

I personally think the "alternate universe" tag is kind of silly. I mean technically every fic is alternate universe if anything changes. But that's just how i see it.

Definitely loved the story, and I'm looking forward to more in the next installment.

I think it should be featured and here's hoping it does.

You wrote this awesome story in just 2 weeks? :rainbowderp:
A moustache to you good sir :moustache:


Why, thank you for the Moustache! I am most humbled by thy nosehair. :D

Let me first preface this by saying that I really like the story's plot. Okay? Okay.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to clean up a lot of the earlier chapters. Very little in the way of story modification will be done, but I feel the need to make it a little prettier and a little less incoherent at points. Once it's done, I intend to submit the completed fic to Equestria Daily and other pony fiction sites as a completed work. A 55 thousand word one shot, so to speak.

First, this is not a one-shot. A one-shot story has one chapter, and exactly one chapter. Even if you take it to mean "a story with no prequel or sequel", this is only Part 1. Second, this thing is rife with typos, to the point where it feels like it wasn't proofread before you posted it. An example from Chapter 3:

Shining Armor stared up at the moon, having had nothing else interesting to look at, he had been using it to judge the passage of time... and so he alone saw the shadow begin to creep along the surface of the moon, slowly darkening its light. The very sight startled him into disbelief. Luna was the sole controller of the phases of the moon, he knew - and she never deviated from her schedule of moon cycle. So why was it changing? Even more disturbing, why was it changing in the middle of the night, quickly enough that it seemed to be happening before his very eyes?

That's just the spelling aspect. As you mentioned, it also needs some work on its coherency, both overall and in individual paragraphs. This should be a helpful tool in general: http://eznguide.rogerdodger.me/

One last thing: this is just my opinion but I really feel an additional chapter should have been devoted to showing us some of the variety of Twilight's subjects as they started flowing in, the reconstruction, that sort of thing.

Best of luck!

Edit: Right, forgot something. At some points in the story it feels like you randomly decided to used a thesaurus. I don't know if that's the case or not, but it feels a little out of place.


First, thank you for the fair criticisms.

As regards to spelling and such - there is genuinely only so much I can do. All I have to work with is the Microsoft Word spellchecker and an online grammar checker that I'm not entirely sure of the usefulness of.. I really don't have the working knowledge of style high-level English writing to get more in depth than that.

I am looking for an editor and proofreader. If you yourself know one who would be willing to help me out, I would be extremely happy. Unfortunately, I still don't have a lot of visibility as a writer, so finding an editor is a lot harder than it seems.

Re: The Guide, yes, I've seen it before. But once again, I don't have the mental ability to go over 56 thousand words line-by-line and try to figure out if it's the right application of this or that rule of writing. I'm going to do the best I can with what skills I have though.

As a final note Re: The City - That's going to be covered in the second part. What was seen in this part was just the very first inhabitants trickling into the town, and some of the highlights therein. We're going to go into much further depth with the city in the first chapter of the next part.

Given that right now, that first chapter is clocking in pretty heavy on city details right now, It may actually extend into the first two chapters as the main conflict gets set up to roll.

Again, if you know a proof-reader or editor who has better mental or technological tools to work with, I would be extremely happy to bring them on board.

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed the plot! HOpe you enjoy the second part to come.

i love this awsome story!!!!!!!

2365253 They dont know that she knows so much. Twilight also does not know that the power she is wielding is slowly corrupting her. There's a lot of information that both sides don't have, and this is supposed to reflect that.


She seemed cognizant of the corruption problem, but I guess not that simply using it influences her no matter what.

If you're looking for more exposure, I'll post a link to your story next time I see a corruption thread on 4chan; they tend to appreciate a decent story.

2365368 Sure. :D Always love more exposure. The next part is also going to have gobs of the corruption theme in it, so look out for that too.

I can edit, by the way. I am sort of busy with college stuff for a week or so, but I'll have free time occasionally. I are gud at grammir, I'm told.

2365394 I have one editor already working on the story, but if you'd like I can give you the GDoc link to help them out. The faster this gets edited, the faster Twilight Fall is going to go up.

No words can describe how interested i am in the story and i just cant wait to read the second part

It's people like you that deserve the massive respect and amazing amount of fans that others get often through luck.

You write amazing stories in impossibly short amounts of time, the number of likes this story has should be multiplied by 200, and your followers the same.


It means a lot to me to hear that. Thank you so much for your support.

If you haven't already, go give my other story The Code's Apprentice a look.

Hope to see you in the next part!

I'm confused, why is part two password locked?

2428936 It hasn't been released yet, and is still very much "Under Construction" so to speak.

The formal date for Twilight Fall's release is April 23rd. Keep your eyes on my profile for further news!

Ok, thanks for the date

A few days ago I finished "The code`s Apprentice" and now I just finished this.
This is just amazing, I can`t wait to read the next part!
I have no idea how can you write such amazing stories in such a small period of time, you my friend are gifted! :twilightsmile:
This will be forever in my favourites!
Thank you for another mind blowing and addictive story! :heart:

2522909 I hope you had fun. :rainbowderp: Seriously, I've freely admitted there's errors. The whole thing is in the middle of a massive re-edit.

2523143 Nope, I'm glad someone got the joke! :D It's a joke I intend to make again too!

Wonderful fun. Thumbs up for bad-ass Twilight!

No cardboard characters, here. You gave each "side" a reasonable viewpoint and rational behavior, even though their methods and goals were very different.

Looking forward to the next part!


It's already in progress! Check the link in the description or on my profile for The Twilight Fall! Come check it out!:pinkiehappy:

2533794 They are similar stories - but they're going down very different paths. This + Twilight Fall + the third story is going down a much darker, much more 'price of power' sort of path

Where as "Code's Apprentice" And its inevitable sequels are about how magic can be both good and evil, and it all depends on whose hooves they're in. There's also going to be a lot more 'What we gain / What We Lose in Change" thing, but that'll be more evident as the fic goes on.

Anyway, glad you're enjoying this!

yea, annoyance was probably the wrong word, it's more that i noticed it; i have no doubt in my mind that it's not only gonna remain a fantastic story but also move further and further into its own territory.

So.. I was reading the second part first with out realizing all cinfussed, then on chapter for I was like wait what??? So I found the first part and now it makes sense. Also man was that a good read, had me on the edge of my seat the entire time!!! :)

I wonder if this means that twilight is corrupted beyond redemption or what....
Oh well, on to the next part to find out for sure.
Really like the story, Twilight is pretty IC in this fic.

Just spent 2 hours reading this, and aside from a fair amount of grammatical errors, this was a fantastic read. I played some dark ambient music while I read it, and it seemed to fit perfectly. Certain parts of the music accented certain parts of the story, and I think it's safe to say the two mixed excellently. I'll link to the music to at the bottom.

I'll be starting (and finishing) Part 2 tomorrow, and there are no doubts in my mind that it won't be just as good, if not better, than this Part. You've got talent mate, keep writing!



I saved the Hecate reference for The Code's Apprentice.

Okay, ive read this twice now, of that im sure. The fun HAS been doubled. Anyways, part one of three? Do we get a part two or three?

3284937 Twilight Struggle already HAS a Part 2. The Twilight Fall - Which is linked in the description above, or can be found here - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/93530/the-twilight-fall

Part 3 is starting in about a week - The Twilight War. I'll be linking it in a blog post when it starts.


How'd I miss that?

Okay, so. Where to start? Hmm... I was really hesitant coming into this fiction. I stumbled upon Part 3 of this in the featured box, and naturally, being as curious as I am, I followed the links all the way back to Part 1. To be honest, I've seen this type of fiction done before. Many, many times. And they suck. Hard. The authors have no idea what they are doing. They do the 'dark' bits of the story completely terrible. The premise is one that is nothing more than a copy-paste from some other nameless crap fiction. So yes, I was really considering just putting this at the end of my read later list, and forget about it until I reach the end of that list sometime in the future; And in case you're wondering, I've got 130 other fictions I need to work through. Your would have been the 131st.

But something stopped me from doing so. Don't know what, but it did. So I steeled myself, expecting the worst, and started reading. And found I could not stop. The premise, while it has been done before, is still completely unique to you as an author. You had a wonderful delivery of the whole, 'Twilight Sparkle has been chosen to champion Shadow magic' theme. As I read on and learned more back story concerning this shadow, I grew more intrigued. Finally, here was an author who knew what he was doing, even if it kind of was an info dump. Finally, next thing I know, I reached the end of the chapter and immediately started on Part 2. This is one of the very few fictions I've ever lost sleep reading over. Kudos to you, and I hope the rest of this saga is just as good as the first part.



Clearly, the thing that got you reading was the jaunty smile on my FimFiction avatar. :pinkiehappy:

But seriously, thank you for giving me a chance. I hope you find The Twilight Fall to be as entertaining and interesting.

Like some others, I stumbled into this fic by seeing the third installment in the feature bar. I thoroughly enjoyed it, like some parts made me shiver enjoyed it. Only annoyance i found are some 'hands' that need to be 'hoofs' and 'people' that need to be 'ponies'. but those are few. And then the one thing that you did right, that many fics I have read before didn't do properly in my eyes is Shining Armor. You write him not as quite good with shields, or almost as good as Celestia etc, but you basically made him better at shields than the goddess of the sun herself, which I feel is where he belongs. Why else would Celestia have him create a shield around Canterlot for his own wedding if she could manage something better :pinkiehappy: Well done to you. Have a :moustache:

I disagree.

"People" is used often to denote groups, esp. non-pony groups or groups that encompass more species than just ponies. Also, words like girl have been used, so I can't see why it wouldn't be fine to say woman, man, or boy, at least occasionally. Sometimes, using the word pony in certain instances makes everything sound weird. For example, everyhuman wouldn't be strange to say, but to say "She turned to the assemblage of ponies and began to speak, her speech to the ponies of Equestria" could make it sound as if there's a specieist connotation, ie. screw all them thar gryphons, mules, buffalo, cows, pigs, sheep, etc.

I don't think that Lapis could write something terrible. I'm pretty sure that when she inevitably snaps and starts writing insane ramblings about lovecraftian horrors from beyond the darkness between stars I would still read it and give it 5 stars. Actually, that sounds pretty rad, get on that!

Comment posted by Makuta deleted Oct 6th, 2015

Well that was fantastic. I'm so excited for the sequels!

A nice story, I actually did find this story out via the sequel XD


Read the author's last blogs if you want to know the details.

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