• Member Since 8th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen February 3rd

Masem


E

Twilight Sparkle is in a foul mood and wants nothing more to be alone after a magic mishap with Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie Pie wants to help cheer up Twilight, and decides to write a story for her, with the help of Spike.

Little did Twilight know this was a bad idea from the start.

As reviewed by Seattle's Angels!

ETA: I am relieved to state this story predates issues #15-16 of the IDW comic series, which similarly involves book stories coming to life, albeit in a different setup and resolution. Also, as this was already set canonically before the finale of Season 3, I don't consider there any retcon issues with the reveals of S4E4 of the show, as well as working within the premise that S4E6.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 40 )

Commenting as I read:

"Pinkie Pie bounced over to Twilight, a plate of baked goods managing to stay balanced on her backside despite the jostling from her [unintelligible]."

images.wikia.com/callofduty/images/archive/7/7b/20120622143412!Grammar_nazi_logo.png

Sieg! Heil!

"Pinkie tilted her head. “Oh, I guess you are mad. I can almost see a little black raincloud over your head—”
“That is a little black raincloud, Pinkie.” On cue, a small burst of lightning lashed out at Twilight’s mane, fizzling the hair a bit more."

Promising . . .

"Here is the supply of enchanted parchment that you requested for your research. Be careful with its magic, as while it is designed never to fade or crumble away, its properties are not fully explored. I can tell you to be careful what you think while you write—the paper has a way of predicting your inner thoughts, and, well, I shouldn’t have to remind you of that little issue I had with the ambassador from the griffon kingdom last year. I would be very careful with it around Spike, as the effects of his dragon magic on the paper are completely unknown."

Has something like this ever not preceded hilarious and/or horrible mishaps in fiction? (Also, Sieg! Heil! Again!)

Hmm . . . Not much else to comment on this point. I liked the movie you're referencing, but it sounds like you're going in a very different direction.

2253596 I have no problem with pointing out the grammar - that's what feedback is for :twilightsmile:

FYI, "pronking" is a word used to describe how Pinkie bounces - in the same vein as Pepe Le Pew and, in real life, some alpacas.

And yes, the movie provides a guide, but that's about it.

Muahahahahaha... Let's see where this leads...

*laughes evilly at the possiblites this story will bring*

Y'know, I think you're about to become one of my favorite authors. No guarantee. We'll see.

I definitely appreciate that you're treating Spike as an equal rather than just a younger brother/servant/supporting character/sidekick/any other term that implies minor status.

This story, it has good idea, bad idea written all over it. I like it! :twilightsmile:

2253614

Stotting might be more common than pronking to refer to the behavior (wikipedia seems to think so), but I'd have had to look it up anyway. I definitely approve of authors using appropriate non-anthropomorphized terminology to refer to pony anatomy and behavior.

She carefully entered a few of the buildings, such as...

"Such as" implies a list, but sounds awkward when describing a characters actions. I would replace "such as" with "choosing" or replace the first clause with something like, "She carefully chose a few buildings to enter..."

She felt down to her haunches...

I assume you meant to type, "fell down on."

And during the fleeing scene, the muffing Twilight speaks to suddenly becomes a cupcake. I would understand if it was so terrified that it frosted itself, but you might want to pick one or the other. :pinkiehappy:

2258389 Got them, thanks!

while swinging its back and forth

Needs a noun. Its what?

2264888 Got it, thanks!

This looks like a promising premise, and as usual, I find myself spellbound by your words. :twilightsmile:

A couple of things that I noticed:

"...Everypony just has one of these day, ..." I think "day" should be plural here, but I can't be sure. It still sounds wrong in my head, but I can't put my appendage on it... :applejackunsure:
"...I just was just thinking about poor Twilight. ..." This is repetitious. I would suggest removing the first one.
"...It’s positive^ly horrendous!”
"...will be a big surprise to her when its ^it's done!”

I would read the next chapter now, but I should stop procrastinating and work on my English homework. :twilightsheepish:

2281304 Got those, thanks!

“Would a cup of tea help? Or I have my bottleless biscuit basket here—”

bottomless

I love the fact that Applejack enjoys adventure pulps. She was probably thinking of the William Tell Overture while narrating her "Lone Silver" rescue scene.

"Oh, she probably got herself lost in a book again," Rainbow Dash offered.

I see what you did there. :pinkiehappy:

she had mentioned something about keeping Spike away from it

Earlier you said, "warn Spike to avoid them." That word choice was better, as it acknowledged Spike is not an incompetent child who gets into trouble.

Applejack chuckled. “It doesn’t take that much of a genius that you’d have said that.”

A genius what that she'd have said that?

Not pulled out of nowhere indeed. It's completely in-character for Rarity to be the one who figures out how to fix everything moments after striding in.

2287070 No, I didn't it was too far out of nowhere - hence some of the setup in chapter 1 with Rarity and Twilight going to the spa. Rarity wouldn't have the faintest clue on how the magic actually worked, but presumably as a unicorn, she's at least versed in fundamentals of magic, and would be sensitive to such things.

And yes, I didn't mean to downplay Spike there, fixed that.

Twilight winced at the pain at her tailbase, but didn’t care, Daring had caught her, and had used the her added weight to accelerate her descent.

I think there might be an extra word in that sentence. These are fun so far.

2314656 Thanks, got it!

“Hey Griffons!” she shouted.

As one, the griffon army turned their heads to Twilight.

“The bandits have the Grail!”

That made me laugh, the image of the whole group turning to look. Made me think of Sarge calling to the Blue Team in Red vs. Blue.

“Tahnks, Silver. Come on, Flutterina,

My typo sense is tingling.

surround the bandit with grimacing stares.

"Grimacing" is not an adjective. Perhaps "grim" or "menacing" would work better.

the pegasus quickly broke out of the path of Pinkzilla and flew her and Flutterina

"the pegasus quickly broke out of Pinkzilla's path and flew herself and Flutterina"

Daring has gently set down the cowering Flutterina,

Itty bitty typo causes tense shift.

“Oh, I guess that makes since.”

sense

The climax is always the best part of stories like this. Twilight had to gather up all the different storylines and either consolidate them or play them against one another. Pretty exciting. Pinkzilla was such a hilarious concept, so I was glad to see her return.

2328093 Thanks for the typo-spotting!

And the hard part of this story was trying to work out how to resolve all 4 stories in a way that would intersect them rather well, while keeping the fact that the four friends are all mary-sue-ing themselves in the work.

Great story, deserved more praise

Someone get this featured.

~Skeeter The Lurker

2329068 Unfortunately, "featured" here is a automated selection, so it's just a matter of page views and the like.

I am definitely considering EQD posting, but I need a lot of copyediting to get it there. (I try to do much myself but I know I need help).

There should be a line break right after,

With a faint smile, she trotted off to the kitchen to prepare a pot of tea and to sit down for some reading.

There's a time skip, after all.

The* curiosity was finally getting to me.”

*My

“Do you think my* friends would mind?”

*Our. It actually bugs the hell out of me when people fail to remember that the mane six are just as much Spike's friends as they are Twilight's.

Good luck with Equestria Daily! I think this story has a shot. :twilightsmile:

2329300 I'm not planning on rushing to EQD. I'm pretty confident this will be a copyedit chore to get to speed, and I want to let a few other ideas sink in.

(But I did get all those points you noted :twilightsmile:

'Nielson dungeon'?

Nooo I was looking forward to seeing what kind of ridiculous story Rarity would stick Twilight into :raritydespair:

2409395 It was an RPG concept (can be applied to any system but its less about the rules) where the game master would basically pull out a TV Guide and randomly flip to a listing, and then set the characters into that setting.

2409414 I would have had to up the age rating on this if that was the case. :duck:

Shouldn't have started reading this right after spending several hours editing my own fanfic, since my mind was in editing mode when I started it. Snapped out of it somewhere in the first chapter or two, though. Fun story. Added to Twilight's Library.

Definitely a fun story. Though I do find the idea of being transported into stories way more fun than they should be. :rainbowlaugh:

I really liked how off the rails the story got and how Twilight just ended up going 'Wait wh-! Oh screw it. :facehoof:' by the time AJ added in The Lone Silver.

If there's anything that annoyed me, I guess it was how the other Mane 6 were just kinda thrown at the story. Not that it's a bad thing, but it was just kinda like 'poof! Here's Fluttershy!'. The only other thing I didn't like was that Spike was just kinda...connected to why Twilight was stuck in the story. I dunno. It just felt hollow.

But otherwise this was a fun little story! :twilightsmile: (And I'm happy to be 50th person to give you a thumbs up!)

This was a pretty fun little read. Kudos to you.

Pinkie Pie and enchanted paper.. What could possibly go wrong...

“Why, thank you, ma’am,” Dashie took another bow and made to the offered spot. “You coming, Twilight?”

Looks like Rainbow and Daring briefly traded places there. :ajsmug:
I wonder... is that your typo or a Freudian slip in Fluttershy's storytelling?

I'm still trying to figure out how the magic + weather control debacle occurred. Despite Rainbow's apparent guilt and a few ponies telling her off, it still seems to me like Twilight used her magic on her without asking or even a heads up. On second thought, I think I could see that happening.

Also, I found four instances of "Long Silver" instead of "Lone Silver" in this chapter. Just hit Ctrl+F; you'll find them.

2964147 Yeah, Daring/Dashie were easy to get mixed. (Wasn't meant to be that way) :)

2972437 Exactly what happened, I never actually put down to spell out, but I've implied that it's not so much RBD's fault, only that Twilight used her magic before RBD had a chance to warn her off. It creates enough of a Noodle Incident to set the story in motion :)

“You’ll have to excuse my friends, she’s a little excited,” Daring rolled her head back, her grey mane flipping around.

Friend. Singular. :twistnerd:

2985359 Thank you, got it :)

2985839 Happy to be of assistance... or was it pleasure to help? :rainbowhuh:

Anvayss... cool story, bro.

Twilight started to wonder if less surreal outside with the Griffons on the hunt.

Is there a word or two missing from here?

Some good imagery in this chapter. Fluttershy's avatar is revealing: a radiant, captivating beauty but with a servant's heart. She's not vain about her appearance, she just sees it as a gift to others. The harp was a nice touch too.

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