• Published 11th Mar 2013
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The Trouble With Unicorns - CartsBeforeHorses



Prince Blueblood leads a revolt to form a unicorns-only kingdom in Canterlot.

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Chapter 3: Hit the Books

In the streets of Canterlot, ponies were jubilant as the royal parade was underway. Excited onlookers threw confetti, cheered and screamed as Twilight’s carriage and royal procession passed them by. The coronation of a princess was a once-in-a-lifetime event, happening so rarely that most ponies couldn’t even name the century in which the last one happened.

Usually the only royalty in Equestria were already related to Princess Celestia or Luna in some fashion and simply received their title at birth. But Twilight, needless to say, was a special circumstance, having been born to mere commoners.

Twilight Sparkle was quite ecstatic. She smiled and waved to the crowds of onlookers from her carriage, throwing taffy and chocolate candy out for the children.

“We love you Twilight!”

“Twilight, you’re the greatest!”

“You’re the best princess ever!”

She relished in the accolades and shouts of the crowd.

“Wow, Twilight, they really love you,” Spike the dragon commented. He sat next to Twilight on her carriage as they rode down the street.

“Yeah. I almost can’t believe it. It’s so unreal, I’m worried I might wake up. Pinch me, I must be dreaming!” Spike pinched her.

“OW! Those claws really hurt, Spike!”

“Sorry, I didn’t think that alicorns felt any pain,” Spike apologized.

“Yes, the only difference between alicorns and regular ponies is that alicorns have traits of all three pony races and have enhanced magic and live a lot longer.”

“How did you become an alicorn, anyway?”

“All Celestia did was just cast a spell on me. It was weird. I’m sure she’ll explain it to me when we get back to the palace.”

The two of them continued to wave at the enthralled onlookers until finally they reached the giant garage of the palace. After they dismounted, a valet led them into the castle into a small room with a table and a fireplace. Princess Celestia sat at the table and invited Twilight and Spike to sit down with her.

“Now that we are alone, Twilight, we can finally talk. We have so much time and so little to talk about!”

“Don’t you mean so much to talk about and so little time to talk?” Spike asked.

“Actually, no. We have all night to talk if we needed it. And I do not in fact have that much to say, at least for the time being.”

“Oh.”

“So, Twilight. There is a reason I have crowned you a princess. Do you know what that reason is?”

“Because I wrote a new spell and saved my friends from having the wrong cutie marks?” Twilight guessed.

“No. Though your magical ability was the prime reason I chose you instead of another, I would not have made you a princess unless I needed another princess. That reason is because you are my new successor.”

“So I’ll raise the sun and hold court and throw the Grand Galloping Gala and do the other things?” Twilight asked, her jaw dropping several inches.

“Yes. Princess Luna will continue to raise the moon. Do not worry about learning the spell, you will have plenty of time.”

“But, I don’t understand, Princess. Why are you handing over your role to me? Can’t you keep raising the sun?”

Princess Celestia looked down at her student and lowered her voice, speaking, “No, Twilight, because I am dying.”

Twilight stared blankly at the princess for a solid minute. Her lower trembled as a single tear streamed down her face. Then, she broke down crying.

“But… but… you can’t die! You’re the princess!”

“Twilight, my power is weakening. I have known this for many years. The years of raising the sun and moon by myself have taken their toll on me, and Luna’s return three years ago was too little, too late to save me from my ultimate demise. Why do you think that I have paid such close attention to you and have personally taught you? This is a rare honor. I have suspected since your entrance exam to my school that you would be my first pick for successor, and over these past three years since you moved to Ponyville you have proven me right time and time again.”

“H-how much l-l-longer do you h-have?”

“Two years, three at the most. I first suspected that the end was imminent when I failed to defeat Queen Chrysalis during the Royal Wedding. I had never been defeated in battle before that. It was quite humiliating for me, but thankfully my subjects did not question me and my legitimacy as you and your friends were able to defeat the changelings in due time.

“I spoke to several doctors but none of them knew what was wrong. All they could tell me was that my power was weakening and that my heart rate was dangerously low, and at the rate I was progressing I would be dead in less than three years. And I felt weakened. I had so little energy that I could hardly get out of bed in the morning to raise the sun. After a few months, I was unable to raise the sun without the help of Luna.

“I knew what I had to do, and I knew that you only needed to pass one more test to be truly ready: a test of magic and friendship. I set up the cutie mark test for you and your friends, which you passed with flying colors. I then transferred all of my power to you, making you an alicorn. However, this diminished my own power even further.”

Twilight let it sink in for a few moments before replying, “But why me?”

Celestia replied, “You have demonstrated the most magical talent of anypony I know. If anypony were able to raise the sun by herself, it would be you.”

Twilight thought about this for a moment, then asked, “Why does it have to be just me? What if I fail? You can’t just give the job back to the unicorns and have them raise the sun and moon like they did thousands of years ago?”

“I would, Twilight, but raising the sun and moon is too big of a responsibility to leave to non-royalty. You and you alone have proven yourself worthy.”

“But I still might fail, and—“

“Don’t worry, Twilight. You have at least two years to learn how to raise the sun.”

Spike added, “Yeah, Twilight, when have you ever not been able to learn a new spell? You’re great at magic!”

“I guess you’re right, Princess. I’m just so sad that you’re dying!” Twilight ran over and hugged the Princess. Celestia patted her on the head.

“There, there, Twilight. I’ll always be with you in your heart. Just remember that far more ponies depend on me than you, and now they will depend on you. This will give you strength. Now, remember when you asked me if there were any books you needed to read on being a princess?”

“Yes.”

“Well, there are none on how to be a ruler and an effective leader. Some ponies have tried writing these books, but none of them have had the same level of experience as I. I shall give you those lessons personally. However, there are books on how to raise the sun and moon, written by the ancient unicorn astrologers who used to do exactly that. They are in the restricted section of the Canterlot archives, next to the time travel spells.

I want you to start researching those books, as moving the heavenly bodies is the most complex spell imaginable, let alone for a single pony, alicorn or not. I don’t expect you to learn the spell for months. But when you do, come and see me. We will then continue your education on a topic that is just as difficult as sun-raising: how to effectively, fairly, and justly rule such a large and diverse kingdom as Equestria.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll go hit the books,” Twilight sniffled.

“That’s my Twilight. So be sure to check out those books before you go back to Ponyville. I’ve already given the librarians my signature enabling you to take the books out of the restricted section and home with you. Just remember to keep them under lock and key, they contain sensitive information. Now go, you have some reading to do!”

Twilight cracked a slight smile. She loved reading, and it would at least take her mind off of the fact that her personal mentor of eighteen years was dying.

*****

As he stood watching Twilight’s royal procession from a fancy wine bar’s balcony, Prince Blueblood sipped on a glass of merlot, floating the glass to his lips and taking dignified small sips as a prince ought to. Finding he had emptied his glass, he motioned to the waiter to fetch him another.

“I must say, that Twilight Sparkle is quite the magician. And to be made an alicorn—that is quite rare indeed!” Blueblood could hear the unicorn socialite Fancy Pants speaking to one of his friends.

“Not to mention that she and her friends defeated Nightmare Moon, Discord, and the Changelings!” the friend, a tall lime green earth pony stallion, replied, “Why, they do more to protect Equestira than the current princesses themselves.”

“Let’s not forget Sombra, he was quite the scary fellow from what I heard,” Fancy Pants replied, “Twilight is the best candidate for being a princess, I must say, if ever a candidate was needed. Though I don’t know why one is, our two princesses seem to be doing their job adequately enough without the extra help—but ah, I’m being a party pooper. Here’s to Twilight!”

He and the others at the party raised their glasses into the air. Blueblood levitated his about an inch, and then downed the entire drink in a single gulp.

He was full of mixed feelings. On the one hoof, he was pleased to see a former student of his school succeeding in such a remarkable way. But on the other hoof, he was well aware of Princess Celestia’s reasoning behind the decision and knew that the title was more than ceremonious, it conferred legitimate responsibility and leadership to Twilight Sparkle, who he did not believe to be fit for the position.

He also knew that none of the laws and secret policies of Celestia’s regime against magic use and unicorns were likely to change, at least in the short run, unless he could exert some influence on his former student Twilight Sparkle to do so.

However, he also knew that he had a mission. And that mission began with something that he hated doing, but must do in order to succeed: small talk. Blueblood walked over to Fancy Pants.

“Hello Fancy Pants, what a pleasure seeing you here,” he said to the aristocrat.

They shook hooves. “I say, Blueblood! I haven’t seen you in quite some time, old chap. How are things going with the school?”

“Oh, it’s going well. A lot of bright young minds there, but I have decided to quit and do something else with my life.”

“Oh? And what is that?” Blueblood could not tell if Fancy Pants was taking a legitimate interest in him or just feigning it for the purpose of small talk. But he must spark the conversation somehow.

“I have decided to teach magic to the masses. You see, in Celestia’s school, most of those unicorns are already gifted. It’s called her school for gifted unicorns, after all. So most magic comes naturally to them, and we as teachers must simply guide them along their journey. We are the stars in the sky that guide them, as you can see symbolized by my cutie mark.”

Fancy Pants raised his head. “Ohhhh! That’s what that pointed star on your flank is! I always surmised it was a family crest or something.”

Blueblood responded, “No, that is a common misconception. But, anyway, Celestia’s School is all well and good, but what about the vast majority of unicorns out there? Our public schools are not providing them with the education they need. Most of them do not even know how to teleport. A unicorn might as well be lacking in algebra.”

Fancy Pants let out a chuckle, “Blueblood, you have been in academia for too long. Most ponies don’t know about philosophy either, but that’s because, like teleportation, it is an advanced concept for experts to deal with.”

“You are wrong. Some things do require innate skill to learn and perfect. Most ponies could never perform spells such as time-travel or invisibility or hypnotism, it’s true. But teleportation is not one of those advanced skills. Let’s take your philosophy example, for instance. If I told any mentally competent pony in Equestria about the principles of utilitarianism versus duty ethics, and explained it in simple enough language, they could understand what was once a foreign concept.

“The key is education. What if I told you that any young unicorn could learn to teleport and could learn to do it in a week or less, and adults could learn to do it in an hour or less?”

Fancy Pants chuckled again, “Then I would tell you that you might need to be on the radio selling such promises for only five payments of twenty bits!”

“Alright, Fancy Pants, do you know how to teleport?”

“No, I can’t say I have ever tried. In the schools I went to it was not taught, and I have been told that it is a difficult thing to master. Is it really so simple? The only sort of magic I know is levitation, like most other unicorns.” He levitated his wine glass up to his lips to demonstrate.

“How can you say it is difficult if you have never tried?”

“Because others have told me it is difficult.”

“And I suppose that others have told you it is difficult to make a million bits?”

“Well if they did, I wouldn’t believe them. Making money is quite easy! Just invest your money wisely in a place in the market where you know it will pay good dividends and wealth is assured!”

“Do you know that many parents and teachers tell their children that it is hard to make money? That wealthy ponies are greedy and only got their money through cheating and by stepping on the backs of others? That you have to ‘know the right pony’ to get anywhere in life?”

“I do know that they tell them this. And it’s a good thing they sell these lies, for such defeatist propaganda for them means less competition for me!”

“And what if I told you that teleporting is to you the same as earning a million bits to those children?”

This made Fancy Pants pause for a moment in thought. He replied, “Well played, Prince Blueblood! Alright, I do not have an hour to give. I have only five minutes to give, for the markets close shortly and I have many stocks and bonds to trade.”

Blueblood gulped. Could he give a crash course on teleporting so quickly? He had to, if he wanted any chance to connect with the rich stockbroker.

The Prince replied, “Then let’s get you out of here as quick as possible. In fact, why don’t you try and teleport down to the front entrance of this bodega.”

“That sounds good. Now teach me, how is it that I can learn to teleport in simply five minutes?”

“Alright. I shall use an analogy. Look back on all of the years of your life. Look at this time five years ago, for instance. It was a long time ago, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, it was.”

“But now it seems a distant memory, in fact it seems as though it was over in the blink of an eye, though it did not seem so as you were living it.”

Fancy Pants sighed, “Yes, it all goes by so fast, doesn’t it?”

“You should realize then that there is no time. It is inevitable that time passes, you simply live in each moment that you happen to be in. But in retrospect, it is instantaneous. It is as if you blinked your eyes and you were there.”

“Yes.”

“That same feeling is that which you get when you teleport, when you are suddenly thrust into another space by magic. You feel as though you have simply blinked your eyes and it’s already there. But instead of time, you are dealing with space. You either will walk to your destination or you will teleport, but either way you will get there and it will all seem like the same amount of time in the end: simply the blink of an eye.”

Fancy Pants thought about this for a second. He adjusted his monocle and stroked his moustache, deep in thought. “So you are saying that I must simply feel its inevitability and I will teleport?”

“Yes.”

“Alright. Here it goes,” His horn began to glow. Blueblood was excited. Fancy Pants was going to do it!

But his horn dimmed once more.

“Ah, I can’t seem to make it happen. But I don’t suppose that it is all that important. Why am I dealing with teleporting when I can walk for a mere forty feet down the stairs and end up in the same spot anyway? It’s just a matter of a few seconds.”

Blueblood had dealt with this sort of objection from students before. It was a common one: the “it’s not like I’m ever going to use it” objection.

“Where do you work every day?” Blueblood asked.

“I work in the stock market on Founders Street, of course.”

“How far is your house from the stock market?”

“About a mile, give or take.”

“Do you walk or take a cab?”

“Why, I take a cab of course! I’m too rich to waste time walking.”

“So your time is more valuable than the cab fare?”

“Yes.”

“How long does the ride take?”

“About ten minutes, give or take, depending on the traffic.”

“What if I told you that you could teleport it in five minutes, and eventually in two minutes when you get enough practice?”

That got Fancy Pants thinking. He looked up at the ceiling, doing some math in his head.

“I could save ten bits every day on cab fares, and hundreds of bits every day in terms of my time. That is quite intriguing.”

“Then you will take the time to learn it? For all the thousands of bits that it will save you over the course of your life? Are you willing to stick with me, after the markets close, for just this one hour?”

“Hmm… well, I guess I can take a shot at it,” Fancy Pants answered. Blueblood grinned at this answer. He spent the next thirty minutes teaching Fancy Pants how to teleport until the aristocrat was confident enough in his abilities to try again.

“Here goes…” Fancy Pants charged up his horn once more. Suddenly, he disappeared with a flash of light.

He reappeared a few seconds later about five feet in the air above the sidewalk, and fell flat on his stomach on the pavement below. Other ponies looked in that direction, a teleporting unicorn not being a common sight.

“Goodness!” Blueblood followed after, teleporting down beside Fancy Pants to see if he needed medical attention.

“Are you alright? I am so sorry, I forgot to warn you that that could happen your first few times.”

“Ugh.” He got up and dusted himself off, ”That… that was spectacular! Jolly good fun! Most alive I’ve felt in years! Who says an old dog can’t learn new tricks!”

“See, I told you that teleporting isn’t that hard,” Blueblood said. “And soon you will get the hang of it and your teleports will land you exactly where you want them to. All it takes is a bit of finesse and mental acuity and you can do it!”

“So, you say that you want to teach teleporting to every unicorn?” Fancy Pants asked.

“That’s my goal, yes. See, the problem is that most ponies have been told all their lives that teleporting is difficult or ‘advanced magic’ when it is not. It’s not taught in public schools, or in most private schools because even many private schools have bought into the lie. Also, most ponies don’t see it as useful. But nopony I ever have talked to has regretted taking time to learn to teleport. The amount of time it can save you over the course of your life is well worth the hour, two hours, at the most three hours that it takes up front to learn.

“And it isn’t just teleporting, either. There are plenty of other spells that everypony can learn that are useful in day-to-day activities. Telepathy is another example. Why waste time describing how something looks to somepony when you can just beam that image directly into their mind? Or dowsing. Imagine you could find something that you’ve lost through magic, and you’ll never have to spend hours searching for it again?”

Fancy Pants asked, “Well, why do you think that these spells aren’t already known?”

Blueblood responded, “I don’t know, exactly. I think our school systems haven’t helped. Unlike flight schools for pegasi, there are no free magical schools for unicorns. They also don’t teach spells in regular public school. Also, most magic books that have been written assume that the reader is already somewhat competent in magic, since they were written by magicians for magicians. Few are written for the common pony with basic, step-by-step instructions. There are no beginner-level, mass market magic books that I am aware of.”

“So you are saying this is an untapped market?”

“Yes, to put it in business terms. I only hope that I can get the word out to unicorns. If they are as stubborn as you were to begin with—no offence—then I will have quite a challenge on my hooves.”

Fancy Pants smiled, lighting up with an idea. “Mr. Blueblood, I have a proposition for you. I was in marketing for several years and I still know a few ponies in publishing firms who would be more than happy to publish any books you have to write. I also know ponies in the radio business and in advertising firms who could help us promote this.

“If you write a book at a third-grade reading level giving instructions on how to teleport, use telepathy, and any other sort of magic that is not common knowledge but which most unicorns could do if they were properly taught, I’ll make it the bestselling book in Equestria. It’ll be in every school, in every library and on every coffee table in every unicorn home before five years are up, guaranteed. Do that, and I will split any profits with you fifty-fifty.”

“It’s a deal!” They shook hooves on it. Blueblood was ecstatic. He would be able to spread his message of magic faster than he had thought! Blueblood did not know that Fancy Pants had such far-reaching connections. He knew that the stallion had connections, which is why he had struck up a conversation with the stock-broker in the first place, but he did not know that he was in touch with high-profile publishers and marketers! Now that he had a business partner, all he needed to do was hit the books. Or rather, start writing them.