• Member Since 1st Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 5th, 2023

Disciple of Chrysalis


T

After the Canterlot Invasion, the Changelings had been blasted out of Equestria, but one was unlucky enough to receive the brunt of the blast and leave the planet altogether, and meet a strange insectoid race on a far-off tropical planet. Will he be able to get home in-time or will the bugs manage to assimilate him into their genes.

Takes place after Heart of the Swarm so warning for spoilers

Chapters (17)
Comments ( 106 )

You misspelled prologue. :facehoof:

Dude this story COULD be good but that WORD COUNT! Come on man you got to that word count up! And the prologue could use a little more detail.

2268502 Sorry, but i'm more or less new to writing fanfictions so I have a low word count currently, but I really tried to bring it up with Chapter 2

I like your story idea, but the chapters are too short. Try adding your chapters together till you at least get 1k words. Makes for a better read. :twilightblush:

2268530 Thank you for your advice, i'll try to get that, but i'm not promising anything :twilightsheepish:

Skimmed through it and wasn't interesting. The prologue reads more like a long summary. There's nothing but bare bones and a potential for something that might be good. Then there's the main character's name. Why is his name Excalibur? It doesn't have anything to do with Changelings and how they are insects. Queen Chrysalis's name set up the standard of changeling names, assuming that there is a sense of individuality within what could be a hive mind or a somewhat semblance of representative government as many fan fictions have tried to fill in the blank. From there, we can assume much of what could be changeling names would be insect related unless otherwise stated. Oh and on another note, the profile picture is going to deter most people from reading this story. It looks like the making of a Gary Stu. Changelings all have a uniformed color scheme. So unless you explain how that came to be, just use a generic changeling picture will suffice.

Chapter 1, just like prologue, is too short. You need to flesh out these characters. Give the main character more than a few lines and thoughts and start building up his background. How much individuality and independence does he have from the Queen? If he is a mindless drone, make him scout the area with caution. Excalibur is in an unknown and possibly hostile location and that would most likely be his first plan of action. Make sure to address him from third person. He's a drone, not a pony. But if he does have independence, then give him a personality. One of the most important thing a story has to do is make the reader care about the character. Right now I don't care. Make me care...

Chapter 2 is much better. I still don't know anything about Excalibur but at least you're fleshing out your story. It almost reached the 1,000 word barrier but its getting better. Just go with what you're doing in Chapter 2, fix the prologue and first chapter and you should get a decent amount of likes and favorites.:twilightsmile:

2268587 ok, you just struck all the points of the story I was insecure about, but about the picture i'm using, thats how hes gonna looks by the end so please just have a bit of patience please and the prologue was deliberately short because we all know what happened at the wedding but I changed that one bit so ya, and space isn't all that amazing when your hurtling through it billions of miles an second and I couldn't think of a name so I gave him a heroic name cause thats what he is gonna be eventually.

AM ONLY DONE WITH PROLOLOGUE, BUT IVAN MUST STOP

WHY IS SO SHORT? WHY? IS SMALLER THAN MAN WHO USE DSHK TO COMPENSATE FOR MONGOL BLOOD. WHY IS SO SHORT? COULD EASILY BE TOP OF NEXT CHAPTER. INSTEAD, IS PUT ON LIKE TAPCO ON SKS. DESCRIPTIONS BE BAD TO CAUSE PAIN. IS NO DIALOGUE, BUT WRITE OF STYLE IS HIGH LIKE STILT. FORMATTING BE EVEN WORSE. IVAN BE CONFUSE THAT NATIVE SPEAKER HAVE LESS GRAMMAR THAN IVAN.

WILL NEVER KNOW HOW WAS ACCEPTED. NOT WANT TO.

2268909 Goddammit Ivan, get back to sawing off rifles to make bolt-action Obrez pistols.

First I see Bleach in a FIM Fiction then I see the angry nerdy gamer and now StarCraft?? This night has been good to me

2588416
Well I said the night has been good so... Yeah... So shit :pinkiehappy:

2588420 Then... Excalibur thanks you with his generic Changeling face :twilightsmile:

A Starcraft crossover? Woohoo, but I dont think this has been posted on the Starcraft fangroup page. Are you a part of that group? We always need more stories.

Dude this is a pretty cool idea, further detail is needed and the chapters could be longer, but keep going- it could be something pretty awesome!:pinkiehappy:

2590880 Well, this story is part of no groups and I don't exactly know how to get to this fan group

2590985 Thank you, I've had most of my chapters in all my stories short recently, but thats more so a caused by writers block and I rarely get a chance to work on this story anymore so I don't get to go into as much detail as I would prefer the story to have, but still :pinkiecrazy:

2591003 Well, it looks like you did. Thanks for the watch and check out my SC crossover if you want Ill be finishing it soon give some feedback.

2591074 I'm reading it right now 'ExtraEquestrial', cerrect?

2591077 Yup just give some feedbacck and illl update. It ssommetime.

Comment posted by mune72 deleted May 17th, 2013
Comment posted by Disciple of Chrysalis deleted May 17th, 2013

Dude story good keep on writing

2591144 I'm reading another story at the moment, but i'm almost finished and then i'll get back to work on this story

Comment posted by mune72 deleted May 17th, 2013
Comment posted by mune72 deleted May 17th, 2013
Comment posted by Disciple of Chrysalis deleted May 17th, 2013

Oh I thought she deep tunneled back toward her primary hive

Comment posted by mune72 deleted May 17th, 2013
Comment posted by Disciple of Chrysalis deleted May 17th, 2013

Then who saved Excaliber

Yeah your right and your fans are proabrably reading this so delete the spoilers so your chapters won't be predictable and boring

No one will never now the future of this story except you and me I hope

2591245 Hopefully, but I promise, I'll have some surprises in-store, just for you :ajsmug:

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

2591260 but just something I want to say, Changelings got some pipes on them

Yeah and check out the other stories we have in this group like Queen of blades I keep mailing the author to use the time he has on this site to write the next chapter.

2591284 Alright, i'm working on the next chapter at the moment though

And write longer chapters please people get excited of a new chapter only to find it short and small events happen it makes the story boring if you have to many short chapters

Login or register to comment