Chapter Twenty-Five
Dreams and Disasters
by Quillery
Chapter 25
Dreams Don’t Turn to Dust
Dash ventured out into the deck of the ship. A spray of sea water drifted up from the churning waters below and grazed her cheek. She breathed the salty air deep into her lungs and released it. Her mind was frazzled, weary, and yet, calm and focused. The last few weeks had taken their toll, and yet she still stood strong. She chuckled quietly to herself, grateful that her stubbornness was good for something.
She turned towards the front of the ship and broke into a steady trot. The groaning of the metal and wood beneath her hooves, and the splashing of the water below her were her only companions. Her head was a jumble of thoughts, and she hoped that maybe soon, they would finally clear themselves, if only so she could sleep soundly again.
She left the walkway alongside the ship and entered the open space near the front. A rough wind blew across the deck, and Dash brushed her mane out of her eyes. The space was lit by bright lanterns encased in glass, cutting out silhouettes in the low light of the moon. She kept moving as she looked around.
A few steps in, her breath caught in her throat as she spotted what she was looking for. Twilight was there, sitting at the very front of the ship as she stared out over the sea. Her mane was being tossed about by the wind, but her body was a still as stone. Dash swallowed a lump as she slowly approached.
Twilight didn’t move, nor did she say anything as Dash trotted closer. It wasn’t until Dash got to Twilight’s side that she was sure she knew she was there at all. Twilight’s head turned very slightly towards her and turned back. Dash took the silence as invitation to sit, so she stepped forward and sat down beside Twilight with a few feet between them.
Twilight kept staring forward. She batted her tail back and forth, like a cat would when it was waiting, waiting for something to happen, something to change.
Dash sighed and cleared her throat. “Hey.”
Twilight let out a short breath. “Hey.”
“I… uh… got your message.”
Twilight nodded very slightly. “I assumed as much.” She glanced at Dash, and back to the water. “Did you notice the same thing I did? From the entries?”
Dash rubbed her knee. “Y-yeah… I kinda did. It’s pretty… uh—”
“Weird?” Twilight shook her head. “That’s the only word I can think of for it.”
“Y-yeah. Weird. Let’s go with that.”
Twilight tilted her head up, turning her attention to the moon. “I remember a story somepony told me once, when I was little. A bedtime story from my mother. It didn’t have a name, but it didn’t really need one. It was about a knight from ancient times, trying to earn the attention of his lady love. She set out a series of task for him to complete, in the form of riddles.”
She cleared her throat, and recited the poem. “A token of love, generously given. A mind’s true self, honestly defended. A laughter’s smile, joyously incited. A heart’s tenderness, kindly shown. And a bond, loyally protected.” She turned to Dash. “Sound familiar?”
Dash nodded.
Twilight dropped her head and sighed. When she lifted it again, Dash blinked at the sadness and confusion she saw in Twilight’s face. “I don’t know what to say, Dash. Everything has gone completely out of control, and I don’t know which way to go. I don’t understand so much.”
Dash fumbled her hooves together. “I-I get that, Twi. I could have done this so much better, but I screwed it up. It’s all my fault that you’re feeling this way.”
Twilight shook her head. “But that’s just it. It isn’t. It’s my fault. I should have never given you that necklace.”
Dash blinked. She glanced down at the scrying amulet around her neck. It glowed a warming light, despite it’s pair no longer working. She grasped it tightly in her hooves, and looked back to Twilight. “You… you think it’s because of the necklace?”
Twilight nodded. “I put the wrong idea in your head, even though I explained it.”
Dash’s body tensed, and she let out a stifled snicker. “That’s not it at all, Twi.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Then what is?”
Dash placed a hoof on the railing and looked away. “You remember that night, on my roof? When we watched the stars together?”
She heard Twilight gasp. “Since then?” She paused. Dash turned. Twilight’s face was set in shock. She had a hoof on the tip of her lips, and her eyes were darting, searching through memory. “You put your wing over me to keep me warm. You got so close, even when you dislike ponies touching you.” She struck her hoof against the railing, which gave off a sharp metallic ring. “I’m such an idiot! You’ve had these feelings for that long?”
“Y-yeah.”
“But why? Why do you have these feelings for me?”
Dash reared back and tightened her legs around her chest. “There’s a lot of reasons, I guess. I could say it’s because you’re pretty, but it wouldn’t be enough. I could say it’s because you’re super smart, but it wouldn’t be enough. I could say that it’s because you’re kind, and loving, and a whole bunch of other things, and it still wouldn’t be enough.”
Dash shuddered, and brought her eyes to Twilight’s. Even in the darkness, Dash could tell she was blushing and trying to avoid eye contact. “You’re just awesome, Twi. I know I say that about a bunch of things, but when I say it about you, it means everything to me.”
Twilight turned her head away and slumped down. She rubbed the side of her leg, but didn’t say anything. Dash embraced the silence for a while, listening to the rumbling of the waves below as they crashed against the ship. She kept glancing at Twilight in the edge of her vision. She was still shaking, as if she were still reliving the events of the last two days. Dash watched in vain as Twilight tried to tense her body to keep the trembling at bay, but it never kept away for long. Dash sighed and dropped her head. “Twi?”
Twilight’s head tilted slightly towards her.
“We need to talk about what happened in Stalliongrad." Dash paused and took a slow, labored breath. "I need to know why you ran.”
Twilight turned away. Her mane flitted in the air and settled again. “I don’t know.”
Dash exhaled. “I’m sorry, Twi, but I don’t believe you.” She scooched towards Twilight and placed a hoof on her shoulder. “Please, tell me.”
Twilight’s head bobbed as she choked down a quiet sob. She brought a hoof to her face and sniffled loudly. “I...I…I really don’t know why, Dash.” She lowered her head and shuddered. “I keep replaying it over in my head, what you said. I keep thinking I misheard it, or something, anything else. But as soon as I hear exactly what you—you said… I just run. It's like it was my brain's only response.”
Twilight turned her head. Her eyes were watering, and she sniffled loudly to fight them back. “I was scared, Dash. Scared and confused. Not from what you said, but from myself.”
Dash frowned and shook her head. “I don’t get it.”
Twilight wiped a hoof across her eyes. “I barely do myself. I was just so stunned, so blind by my inability to see it earlier. I was ashamed, in almost an instant, as soon as I saw all the pieces fall together. I was so angry at myself for not seeing it earlier, and I didn’t want anypony to see me like that.” She placed a hoof on Dash. “Not even you.”
She sniffed again and turned her body from Dash, trembling. "But even after I made some headway through...well, everything, I finally realized what I had done. I had broken my only way of getting back to you. I was alone. Cold. I could hear the storm coming. And then the rain..." She trembled again. "And then I saw the Rainboom. I knew you were out there, looking for me, even after what I had done. You found me." She sniffed and placed her hoof on Dash. She stared with a fond expression, wet with fresh tears. "You saved me."
Dash exhaled a slow breath and stared back out over the ocean. A breeze blew across the ship, carrying her mane in its gentle embrace. A small tug at her neck prompted her to look at her necklace which was swinging in the wind. She stared at it and squeezed it in her hooves. “ Speaking of the necklace. Why do you think this thing is still working even though you broke the other one?”
Twilight lifted her head and glanced at the gem in Dash’s hooves. She shrugged and turned back. “There’s a lot of reasons, but none of them make much sense, even to me.”
“Twilight…” Dash intoned.
She sighed. “Well, when you did the Sonic Rainboom…” She paused. “Well, a rainboom is still undocumented, since you are the only pony capable of doing it. Breaking the spectrum barrier is a feat of tremendous magic, magic that we can’t fully explain.”
Twilight’s magic came to life, gripping the necklace and sliding it over Dash’s head. She held it in front of her, turning it in air and examined it. “Scrying gem’s like this are enchanted to respond to another magical frequency. A magical frequency in a scrying gem has traces of the unicorn that made it, no matter how much you vary it. Even when I broke one, the other would try to find the trace, which was coded to me. It would have been too weak to follow it at a distance, except for a skilled unicorn to increase the power.” She turned her head to Dash and smiled weakly. “Or a desperate pegasus trying to find her friend. All I can think of is that your rainboom charged your gem so much that even my latent magical aura would have led you to me.”
Twilight returned the necklace. Dash took it in her hooves again and looked at it. “But why is it still going? Wouldn’t that power just drain away?”
Twilight shook her head. “You underestimate the power of a Sonic Rainboom.” She reached out and placed her hoof on the gem, and pressed it into Dash’s chest. “There is so much energy coursing through this gem right now, that it will outlast the both of us, and it will forever be attuned to me, and me alone.” Twilight shuddered and pulled her hoof away.
Dash’s mouth fell open. “Wow that’s… intense… Almost like…”
“Like magic has a sense of humor?”
Dash chuckled. “I wasn’t going to say that, but yeah, I guess so.”
Twilight tried to smile, but turned her head away before Dash could see it’s completion. She was quiet for a long while, staring out over the ocean as the breeze wafted over the deck. Dash took in a deep, slow breath of the salty air, and released it back into the wind. She slumped her shoulders and turned back to Twilight, clearing her throat.
“Twilight… I guess I get what you’re saying. Before this, all of this, I didn’t really notice this mushy stuff either. I was so ready to go through life never worrying about it.” She shook her head. “But, something happened. I don’t know what, but I just couldn’t help it anymore. I thought about you almost all the time. I loved spending time with you, and then I started dreaming about you. My own brain just lost control over it, and I just didn’t feel the same.
“You know that I try to never let my fears get me down. I have them, but I always try to get over them. But this… I was terrified. I was terrified of admitting it to you, and having you turn me away, or leaving my life completely. I couldn’t bear the thought of you not being a part of my life Twilight, friend or… something more.”
She let out a hollow chuckle. “And I guess, after what happened back there, I guess I got my answer, without really asking the question.”
Twilight turned, eyebrow raised. “What question?”
Dash swallowed. “The one thing I’ve been wanting to say this the whole time. From day one I just wanted to come out with it, but… I was so scared. But now, but after everything that’s happened, everything I’ve seen, and everyone I’ve spoken to, I don’t think I can get away with just saying it once.” Dash reached out and grabbed Twilight’s hooves, holding them close to her chest. She tried to look Twilight head on, but her head felt heavy and weak.
She reached into her wing and pulled out a small piece of paper with crude writing scrawled over it. “I hope you don’t mind, but I borrowed some of your dictionaries, so I could get the words right.” She took a deep breath, and finally, she spoke from her heart.
“I loved you in Buckingham.
Je t'aimais à Cheval.
Ik hield van je in Antlerdam.
Ich liebte dich in Spurlin.
Ya lyubila tebya v Sankt-Poniburge.”
Dash sighed. She discarded the scrap of paper to the wind, lifted her head and stared into Twilight’s eyes. “And I love you here and now, more than ever. And I always will. Will you be my special somepony?”
Twilight was still. Her eyes were wide, unblinking. Her face shifted from its usual color to a burning red. She moved nothing, said nothing, did nothing. She only stared straight back into Dash’s eyes. A single tear trickled down her face, and her chest heaved a single breath.
She pulled her hooves out of Dash’s grip, and turned towards the deck again. Dash tensed and backed away. She looked down and traced the ground with her hoof. “At least now I said it. You can say no if you want, I won’t blame you.” She shuddered as her eyes began to water. “But at least I said it.”
“Yes, you did. But—”
Dash’s head shot up. Twilight was still staring over the edge. Her face was set in a calm, contemplative expression. “But I’m not sure if I want to say no.”
Dash raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
Twilight sighed. “I’ve never really understood love, Dash. I’ve always known it was there, Cadence made sure of that. But I never saw how it could apply to me, specifically. I was just Celestia’s student. All I did was study. I didn’t care about having friends, let alone being in love. I didn’t have the time. It took you and the girls to bring me out of that way of thinking, but love...” She looked out over the water. “I don’t know the first thing about love, Dash. Or being a special somepony to somepony else.” She looked back to Dash. “But I’m willing to learn.” She reached out for Dash’s hoof and pulled it to her chest, squeezing tightly. “I’m willing to learn for you, Dash.”
Dash looked at her hoof clutched in Twilight’s and looked back into her eyes. “What are you saying, Twi?”
Twilight sniffed, and choked out a teary laugh. She wiped the tear away and smiled. “Teach me… Teach me how I can love, Dash. Teach me how I can love you. If you give me a chance to try, to understand how we can make this work, I promise I’ll be the best student ever, for you.”
Dash went still. Her body tensed as her mouth hung open, trying to form a response. She choked on words, tears flowed from her eyes, and she started trembling as she blinked away the water to see. “You… you mean that?”
Twilight nodded with a tiny smile, rubbing away her own tears. “I’m willing to try, Dash. I can’t bear the thought of hurting you either, so… I’ll be your special somepony, if you’ll have me after all I’ve put you through. I owe you at least that chance.”
Dash reached out and brushed a hoof across Twilight’s cheek. She felt the dampness there. It felt soft and moist and… real. Her eyes widened at her touch, and further still when Twilight reached over and pulled her into a hug. The two wrapped their hooves around each other, holding tightly in the calm of the summer night. Dash breathed in the Twilight's scent, that fruity fragrance of her mane. Her fur was soft and bristled against her own. Even in the chill of night, Twilight also felt unusually warm to the touch, and Dash couldn't believe any of it.
"This is real... isn't it?" Dash said. "It's not a dream?"
Twilight giggled. "I could pinch you if you wanted. I'm having a hard time believing this myself."
"Nah. I...I think this is okay. I'm just glad to have you in my hooves." She squeezed Twilight tighter. "It feels... right."
"Hmm... you're right. It does."
Dash felt Twilight pull her head away, and lifted her own. Twilight was staring at her with a dreamy expression, and a growing blush. While still wrapped in each others embrace, Twilight’s eyes darted a moment to the side. Dash followed the glance, when Twilight leaned forward and placed a peck on Dash’s lips.
Dash tensed and shook her head. “What was that?”
Twilight shuffled her legs. Her ears folded back as her blushed deepened. “O-our first kiss? Th-that’s what special someponies do, right? I-I’m not completely unread in love.”
Dash stared for a single, dumbfounded moment, before she smiled. “Yeah, it’s what they do. But a first kiss is more like this…” She leaned forward, grabbing the back of Twilight’s head and brought her closer. Twilight let out a quiet yelp before their lips met. Twilight’s ears sprang out, as Dash held themselves together, under the stars, over the sea, miles away from home in just the perfect moment. Dash felt a spark ignite within her heart as Twilight slowly pressed back against her. A calm summer wind swirled around them on the deck of the ship, and Dash could feel the warm air rustle through her feathers and the breeze twisted their manes together in the air.
They stayed locked together, in a moment of perfect calm like the entire universe didn’t matter to them anymore, and in truth it didn’t. It was just the two of them, sharing their love, in the most pristine way possible, and nothing could ruin it now.
When they finally parted, their lungs were dry, their breaths shallow. Dash felt a warm sweat tingling her skin, and Twilight panted deeply for air. “W-wow…” she stammered. “That was...that…”
Dash smiled, and pulled Twilight back into a hug. She twisted her body so that she could drape her wing over Twilight’s back, and squeezed her tight. “Yeah…” she panted. “That was pretty awesome. It was almost like…”
Twilight smiled. “Magic?”
Dash smiled as well and tightened her grip. “Yeah, magic.”
And so, the two of them lay there on the steel vessel, laying together in their newly found emotions. They leaned against each other, tightly bound by love and so much more. Dash stared up into the sky with a great sigh of relief. The stars had finally showed themselves, as if they, too, were waiting for this moment. The past few weeks had been a toll on Dash, in more ways than one. Despite all the disasters that life had thrown at her in the pursuit of her heart, her dreams, had finally, finally, come true.
She nestled her head against Twilight’s. “Hey, Twi?”
Twilight exhaled softly, and nuzzled back. “Yes?”
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I've loved the ride
FINALLY!!!
I've been waiting forever for them to be together 
looking forward to the epilogue
Brilliant. A very heartwarming conclusion to the question we've been waiting for this whole time.
Rainbow Dash is a mare, not a stallion. "lyubila".
Awesome story up until this chapter, and the one before too now that certain aspects have come to light.
The resolution seems a little…terrible.
Twilight comes off as someone who is just getting into the relationship because she doesn’t want to hurt her friend, not out of any real affections towards Rainbow Dash. It's guilt over the fact she didn’t notice things sooner, and how she believes how she accidentally made Rainbow Dash fall in love with her thanks to the gift of the tracking necklace that motivates her into accepting Rainbow's feelings. Sure Dash tells her “no that’s not it” but it still looks like Twilight’s line of thought comes off as she doesn’t WANT to be in the relationship, but HAS to because Dash did all these things for her.
Now the running away looks more like she’s ashamed of what she didn’t see or did to Dash by not noticing how her friend felt and not wanting to deal with it rather than doing something like running from the truth that most escape metaphors tend to go for.
While not the cliché ending of Twi and Dash secretly having feelings for each other the whole time, it makes Twilight look like a dick for basically returning Dash's affections to keep from feeling guilty, and Dash being an ass for not manning up to the fact Twilight really doesn’t love her and is getting into the relationship to make herself feel better.
Honestly the story would have come off better if Twilight had turned her down, and then two or three chapters later, after her and Dash have started to heal/drift or move on, or a thousand other things, Twilight would realized through the loss of Dash’s constant presence, just how much her friend meant and THEN come around to going “I love you, bla bla bla.”
As it stands, just looks to me like Twilight is in this to avoid the guilt, and Dash is lying to herself.
I believe the words of the immortal Strong Bad best sum up my feelings on this chapter: "Now that's what I'm talkin' about! That was amazing! I mean you—... I—... I can't b—... Chi-g-d-b ... He—g ... I'm buyin' you a pizza!"
4328209
You know, I can't really disagree with you, for the most part.
If I hadn't been getting exhausted with writing this story, I would have certainly worked out the final arc with a bit more thought. I even had one more actual stop planned so that I could perhaps toy with the notion of Dash being turned down, but having Twilight start to regret the decision, which would have culminated in her being lost somewhere else for Dash to find her, in a way.
Ultimately, I was actually falling out of love with my own work. I've been at this story for almost a year now, when I should have finished it months ago if not for my terrible habit of procrastination. In the end, it became a balancing act of work, school, finding time to write, and of course, not dragging it out so much that people started losing interest. And people actually were losing interest, many of whom were kind enough to warn me that they were.
So, I had to make a choice, and I chose a concise ending rather than giving myself a chance to stumble again into a poorly planned arc. Am I happy with the resolution? Well, aside from some of the really sappy lines(bleh), the answer is yes and no. But then again, what author is 100% satisfied with their work? I feel that it has been some of my better writing, but not my best effort in actual planning. Things had to be cut, and my editors were steadily getting piled with more real life obligations to the point where I could barely get a conversation going with them any more.
As for what I feel about this ending, well... Twilight's character to me, is always open to ideas, but sometimes oblivious to certain aspects of social interaction. Heck, that was the whole basis of her core character here, oblivious to Dash's advances every step of the way. But when they are finally revealed to her, the first thing she does is latch onto all of those interactions, and analyses them to death. She starts to see the pieces, and maybe, she actually does feel something now that she's aware of them. But, as this chapter shows, she's still confused, and at the very least, needs to take the next steps slowly. She sees that Dash has strong feelings for her, and Twilight cares for her enough to at least try, not necessarily out of guilt or obligation, because now, her heart is more invested because of those revealed feelings. I want to say it's almost as if a switch has been turned on in her head, opening her up to the world of love and relationships that she never really paid much attention to before.
Sure, it's a bit messy, but in the end, I think it can be seen as a satisfying ending, at least after the epilogue is all said in done. I wanted this story not necessarily to end with a full fledged relationship, but at least the flagship for next steps of their lives together. In time, maybe with a bit of revision to smooth some things out, and some new editors to help keep me in line, the story can be improved upon to make some of the stumbling points not so jarring. Maybe I just suck at shipping >.<
I thank you for your patience to this end, regardless of you may have liked or disliked certain parts, such as this ending. I thank you for your comments, I really do. They help me improve. I hope to maybe see you in the comments of other things I have written, or will write. It keeps me going.
4328292
Thanks for the response and you get get an upvote by the way even with the rushed ending. Hell the crap I turn out isn't half as good as most of this story, it's just with as good as everything else was and all the suspense that had been building perfectly with the relationship starting with the usual confession and the 'let's give this a try' just seemed less than it deserved.
But hey we're all doing this for free, so what can any of us expect?
Good story overall.
4328374
Well, I do want to be a real author one day, so all this practice is helpful in the end. The comments and feedback are all really helpful in helping me figure out what works and what doesn't. Its a long, painful process, but each bit of criticism is more helpful than people realize, and too many people who create anything don't seem to understand that. It takes really thick skin to be an author, or an artist, or a musician, or anything creative. It's just the way the world works.
I'm probably going to stick to short stories for the next while, before I tackle any other long stories. Probably with less shipping, though...
Thanks again, though, for the feedback. Really. I need more readers like you that have something they want to say, and actually say it.
The story was adorable and with this big of a setup, it would be very difficult to deliver an ending to match the spectacle that has been their long journey together. As it stands, Twilight has only just discovered her own feelings on the matter and I can easily buy into her reasons for saying 'yes.' First of all, if anyone were that infatuated with me, I would feel very flattered. Second, she honestly owes Rainbow Dash a fair chance, especially after running from her.
The running thing... It keeps happening in Twidash fics. Is there some secret society I haven't been invited to where there are like, holy commandments of Twidash?
Upon first discovering that thou art subject of anypony's affections, RUN!
Seriously though, I loved this fic from the very beginning and I'm not unhappy with this resolution. Usually to completely sell the illusion, you need to turn to Twilight's point of view and dedicate a similar effort to describing her feelings about Rainbow Dash. In this case, we've only gotten a glimse through her journal and nothing in it contradicted her possibly having a secret crush.
The ride that this fic has taken me on has been rather fun.
So now i have one question, are you planing on making a trilogy out of this, i would like to see whear Twilight's and Dashes life go from whear they are now.
Anyways looking forward to the next one
~Tobben
^.^ Hooked me to a new song at the end there.
Loved the story, can't wait for the epilogue.
That video is not aveable in my contry for some reason. I blame copyrights.
Anyway, all ends ends well
4328535 Owl City - When Can I See You Again
That's the song. Just look it up.
Loved the ending, felt like the end of a wonderful movie
great end. Better than most twidash fics. I'd say I want a sequel but I'm not sure where you can take this. I know! SPACE. Anyway great work and looking forward to the epilogue
oh and also I was coincidentally listening to this while I read
"Teach me, Rainbow Dash, of this pony feeling called 'love'".
"That's it, Twi, no more Star Trek for you."
4328292 All things considered, I'm actually perfectly satisfied with this ending. So many shipping fics always try to aim for the the best possible ending without accounting for what is believable for the story. Yes, this isn't the super-saccharine-fueled-perfectly-pure-romance of fairy tales and ultimate escapism fics. What you have here is something much more realistic, and I really find it more satisfying this way. Love is complex and often confusing. More importantly, love isn't binary. You did a good job of closing with the hope for a positive future.
It has a been a bit of a rollercoaster to get here, but overall, despite some bumps in the middle, I can say that I enjoyed this story.
Without rereading everything to get super detailed, I'll try to offer some critique.
Individual chapter elements aside, the most noticeable stumbling point was the pacing. I feel like this was more to do with the framing of the story and the expectations you set for the readers at the start, than from an actual fault of the story itself. The story began with a clear goal of romantically shipping Twilight and Rainbow, with the 'adventure' being played as the framework. Because romance stories are heavily driven by character development and the interpersonal drama of the characters' emotions, they tend to work best when that drama is the focus of the story. This story frequently took that aspect and shoved it to the side to try to tell the readers about some new characters or circumstances that really had nothing to do with the actual romantic plot. Very rarely did we get to focus on Rainbow's struggle. Instead, the story was mostly focused on the external adventures of each location. The first city was arguably the best in terms of balance. You managed to weave a bit of worldbuilding in and got through the book exchange without either one feeling like it was trying to steal the spotlight from Rainbow's struggle.
Prance, however, was the biggest low point in the story; at least for me. It started out fine, but once the chasing game began it derailed the entire story. The plot of this section was clunky, and the tonal shift that accompanied it was very unwelcome. This much has already been discussed heavily in the comments on those chapters by other readers, so I won't waste time rehashing all those same points.
Antlerdam was a mixed bag. The train ride there was nice, but the actual city adventure suffered a feeling of being a bit too subdued compared to the craziness of Prance. Not that it was bad, but the tonal shift of Prance's adventure had left the story feeling like it was losing its direction, and that Antlerdam was the story attempting to stumble back onto the right tracks again. The main issue (I had) with this section was the drinking debacle with Twilight. Rather than using the festival to bring the story's mood up and balance out the craziness of the previous arc, you dove straight into using alcohol as a delaying tactic, and forcing more of the wrong kind of heavy drama into the story. By removing Twilight from the picture with her drunkenness and her hangover, you effectively wasted any opportunity in Antlerdam to do anything meaningful between Twilight and Rainbow. The whole of the relationship that we readers were here for was literally put on hold for the majority of two consecutive arcs. That hurt the flow and interest of the story pretty bad. What I'd have liked to have seen in Antlerdam was more of the actual festival, with Rainbow showing Twilight around and the two of them just having fun while Rainbow struggles to rationalize that she isn't actually on a date with Twilight just to keep her feelings from going crazy.
Spurrlin, while fun, was another place where it felt like most of the story's focus wasn't on Rainbow and Twilight's relationship. Now, this particular case is both good and bad. One one hand, the Spurrlin arc's resolution was a perfect opportunity for needling Rainbow's feelings in the right direction. The bad part of this is twofold. First, it marks three consecutive arcs of not really doing anything with Rainbow's struggle. This alone was enough to make the arc feel less enjoyable than it should have been. The second issue I find with it is mainly a retrospective one, specifically, that Gilda's advice played absolutely no role in getting Rainbow to admit her feelings. The way the Spurrlin arc ended made it feel like Rainbow was finally going to stop being a coward, taking the advice of someone she cared about and trusted who had been through the same situation in order to finally summon the courage she needed to open up to Twilight. Instead, this gets ignored completely in the last arc by shoehorning Rainbow's jerkass aunt into the story and forcing the plot to progress by way of several total jerk moves by Twilight and Rainbow's aunt.
Now, I'll grant that by the end Rainbow did indeed go through some actual character development, and that the sum total of Rainbow's character progression does make the ending feel satisfying enough to be rather enjoyable. That essentially all of this development happened right at the end, and all at once in a single plot point, makes it far less satisfying than if we had been able to watch Rainbow develop slowly over the course of the story (or if the story had been much shorter, like a one shot, where quick/efficient character development better fits the flow and scope of the story).
In short, you set up the story as a romance story, but did not pace it or develop it as one. Had the story been framed as a low-key, world-building-focused adventure, especially if told from Twilight's point of view, the flow, pace, and tonal shifts would not have been so out of place to the readers. Even if the shipping had played out exactly the same, I think it would have read as a stronger story with that different framework from the start. It was a case of unfulfilled expectations for the readers that caused the waning interest, at least that's how I feel after looking back on everything now.
Now, for some more positive things. I'm a huge sucker for good world-building, and you have proven more than capable of scratching that itch for me. Each location you visited had a real sense of actually being alive. These places weren't just relegated to the backgrounds or used as window dressing, they were just as integral to the story as anything else, and the time you put into crafting them always shone through. I dare say that this was that biggest highlight of the story for me, and a large part of what initially grabbed my interest. Better still was how everything felt lore-friendly.
I also want to take a moment and compliment your characterization of secondary characters. Twilight was Twilight, and Rainbow was Rainbow. That much carried over well from Vanilla Twilight. However, with such a large cast of OCs filling important places in this story, it was a real treat to see these characters feel as fleshed out and as real as the main characters.
Wow
although im not as eloquent as others when I type my response, this was truly a great piece of work that I spent time to read and enjoy, tbh this is one of the first "FIMfics" I've decided to read so I don't have a whole lot to compare to in terms of stories on this site, but from looking at other people's responses I made a good choice! great job on what you did and I hope to see more of your work in the future
It is times like these that I wish there was a super favorite it option.
This is without a doubt the best fic I have ever read, waiting chapter by chapter no less! I've loved the entire story, you have a way with words that's hard to come by and the wait was worth it for every chapter. I sincerely hope you continue writing fics of this quality and better! Whether its shipping or not because this was truly amazing. I love how you see and portray both Twi and Dash, not to mention all of the characters you've created or brought in. Now, enough gushing
I did read your short conversation between LordBrony2040 and understand both side's points. To be honest I liked reading this way too much to be completely open to the critique but as a newbie writer, you both make damn good points. What you decided to do with the ending (excl. epilogue) works best for what you felt you had to do in my opinion and I think the majority of the readers will love it nonetheless.
For me that won't take anything away from the story and I though it was fantastic. I'll definitely keep up with your work, short story, long story, shipping or not. I hope to see more material from you soon! /)
(Also if you have the time/interest I run a Brony Youtube channel and it'd be a blast to have you with us for something. -We are still pretty unknown but are scheduled to work with Mandopony once we both have free time.- Our email is EverfreeBronies@gmail.com if you are interested in doing anything)
Ending/resolution does feel a bit rushed but honestly I like it. I had hoped they would get together and they did. Im a sucker for sequels as well so id be super pumped to see these 2 going through the ups and downs of a relationship.
That was a great story and I can't wait for the epilogue.
Only one thing:
This killed the mood for me, at this point.
The word "Sie" is a form of formal adress for somepony you don't know very well. Since thats not the case, it would be more intimate, if Dash would say: "Ich liebte dich in Spurlin"
(German is just a complicated language, and translation Software is not helping. If you're lucky, It translates in a fomal version of what you want to say. If not, it translates just in gibberish)
Aside from that little detail, I have nothing to complain about.
Not sure how I feel about this, honestly, but everyone has already said everything there is to say about pros and cons, so I won't rehash any of that.
Gotta say, though, having already known and loved "When Can I See You Again", it felt a little awkward placement there. Like it's TOO upbeat, if that makes any sense. Anywho, on to the epilogue, I suppose
This song kept playing in my head throughout the latter half of this chapter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYoX1nbfuqY
Hopefully you played that one.
It was a tough road, but Dash earned her happy ending. Great story!
Is it stupid that the entire time I was reading this quote I imagined Twilight saying this: "Teach me, Senpai!"
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I just thought of it as a callback to the beginning when Twi called Dash and the others her teachers in Friendship.
Literally, after every time I tried to speak I ended up chocking on my words. The ending was just too amazing for me to handle, in fact, I think that the dead part of me just revived.
but her body was a still as stone.
She set out a series of task for him
And I guess, after what happened back there, I guess I got my answer, without really asking the question. 2 guesses, might be just an artistic touch =P
wanting to say this the whole time.
But now, but after butts everywhere!
as her blushed deepened.
and Dash could feel the warm air rustle through her feathers and the breeze twisted their manes together in the air. aaaaaand repetitive "and" suddenly kills the moment. Damn you, and-s! "...as the breeze..." would have sounded waaay better.
Damn, that was good. I'm sad to realize that it's almost over =(
There was a small repetition at the end where they laid at the bow while laying in their emotions. A synonim could have worked there =P
Bloody love confessions
5782019 bloody comments
Heh, I just commented on the journal entries last chapter, thinking you were being all kindsa sneaky, and turns out it was the point all along. I'm a little slow like that.
But I'll echo everyone else in saying I love how this ended - beautifully done!
Damn, 2 Owl City song title drops in one chapter (well sorta). You sly dog you.
Wait WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHH, THE FEELS!
This story was absolutely brilliant. Right from the beginning I knew it was going to be a treat. You have an amazing talent for not only writing, but capturing the exact traits and characteristics that make Twilight and Rainbow themselves. I just can't express how much I loved this story. I laughed, cried, and smiled, something only and amazing fanfiction can do. I loved how you linked all of the adventures together in the end, and the last two chapters were my favorite. Rainbow's sudden burst of courage, the emotional scene at the front of the ship where Twi and Dash fall in love
...bravo...and the epilogue was a cute bonus that made me laugh! All I can say to you is - don't stop writing. You have a fantastic talent.
Fun fact:
ALmost all the Chapter Titles are Owl City songs
nuff said for an Owl City lover.
(how could I not notice that!?)
Re-read this cause it's cute but I can never figure out what dash and twi noticed about twis journal entries. Was it that she was becoming more fond of dash in her own way or something else?
OMG YES! This whole series so far has been based on Owl City songs so far, I actually saw that coming. Dawww, I wish Dash actually sang it.
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Dash tried her best with that lexicon she borrowed.
And I must say, this has been quite a ride. Oh, wait, there's an epilogue to go. Well, so far, you've nailed the characters well, which would explain how some scenes in this story seemed familiar to episodes in season 5 and beyond. Unless you secretly know someone in the studio and getting rumors on scripts.
I kid.