I Remember
"Well I'm certainly not King Sombra." I flinch as the voice speaks again. A few seconds later a creature appears out of thin air. The creature was a jumble of all sorts of other animals.
"Really my little ponies, who else would it be? I am the embodiment of chaos." The creature, who is apparently the one they called Discord, spoke with the same voice that was in my head, leading me to assume that he was the owner of said voice.
"Why are you here Discord?" Twilight said this more than asked it, demanding an answer.
"My dear Twilight, I already told you. I'm here because she's under my protection." He smiled at her and then turned one of the nearby hay barrels into a trampoline, and then started jumping on it.
"What in tarnation does that mean? She's perfectly safe and if she was in trouble she wouldn't need help from ya'll." Applejack took a step towards Discord.
"Just because she's under my protection doesn't mean I'm protecting her. I'm protecting my handiwork from the likes of little miss Sparkle. I don't like it when ponies meddle with something that I've already meddled with. All I wanted to do was give her a clean slate." Discord floated over to me, not really flying because the mismatched wings on his back weren't flapping. Rainbow Dash appeared in a second, right in front of Discord's fac. I could tell that she was fuming mad.
"And what gave you the right to do that? She had a life. She could have had family, friends and an awesome career. The way she flies she could have been a Wonderbolt. But the last one's not true cause I would have recognized her if she was a Wonderbolt but who knows what her life was like." Discord just started smiling.
"She did have all those things and some of her friends are right here in this room. Or have you forgotten too?" All of the others had confused looks on their faces, Pinkie's being the biggest of course. Discord just continued to grin evilly. After a few seconds of silence Pinkie Pie marched over to Discord and stated.
"I remember everypony I've ever met and I've never met her before yesterday." Discord snapped his fingers and everypony else in the room froze. I glare at him skeptically as he glided over to me. He circled slowly as he spoke.
"Are these ponies, really, the ones that you're trusting? They met you last week. If they can't remember last week what makes you think that they'll be able to help you? You've lost your entire life. Twilight is the most powerful unicorn, aside from the princesses, what's not to say she isn't the one who caused you to lose your memory in the first place? It would explain why her memory spell 'didn't work'. And to prove it. Here's the memory of when you met last week." He sneered as he passed in front of me and pain burst from my mind as he force fed the memory to me.
The edges of the memory were fuzzy but I managed to catch sight of a white picket fence and a sign and I knew we were at Sweet Apple Acres. I was flying with Rainbow Dash flying a few feet in front of me, after a few seconds she dived steeply and I followed effortlessly, like it was something I did for a living.
We landed in front of the entrance to the farm and the others were waiting for us. Pinkie Pie was holding a banner that read; Welcome to Ponyville. They immediately walked towards us, ready to greet us. Glancing over at Rainbow Dash I see that her mouth was moving but no sound came out. I let out a mental sigh, of course there wouldn't be any sound.
Concentrating harder I try and read her lips but after a few seconds I gave up because Rainbow Dash was talking a mile a minute. Obviously she knew me before the others did. A few more seconds and I turn to face the others, greeting them. They talked slow enough that I could actually read their lips, except Fluttershy who was talking from behind her hair.
Right then something must have clicked in my head because I immediately turned to face Rainbow Dash. I can only assume that I asked some question. This time she answered slow enough to read what she said. Something like; 'Oh, that. I guess I forgot to mention that didn't I. But it's not a big deal really I hardly think about it.'
I said something back to her and her response was something like this. 'You know that it's ironic right? We're sorta living each other's dreams. You want to be recognized but not every time you step outside, only occasionally. Whereas I'd love it if I got mobbed every time I did anything. But we had the same dream when we were little so I'm glad that one of us made our foalhood dream. And I'm still determined to join you guys and nothing is gonna stop me.'
Right then the memory started to fade. Opening my eyes, that I hadn't even realized I'd closed, I find myself looking straight into Discord's red and yellow eyes. Immediately I took a step backwards. Discord snapped his fingers again and the others unfreeze, looking slightly confused about what just happened.
"So. Who will it be? Them or me?" Immediately the others started objecting.
"Ah don't know what he told ya but don't believe him. He's the embodiment of chaos and Ah can guarantee that he was lying through his teeth." I hear Applejack call this out before Discord shouts.
"Silence and let her make her decision." I glance between him and the others, my gaze finally resting on Rainbow Dash. I remember how she was always there when I really needed her, how I know that she would have caught me if I hadn't pulled out of that dive. She's the embodiment of loyalty and I knew that I had earned her loyalty. I could trust her and her friends. Making my decision I walk towards Rainbow Dash. Instantly it was clear that I hadn't sided with Discord.
"Fine then, but you just sealed your fate. You'll never get your memories back But hey, I'm a nice guy, you didn't know what was at stake. One last chance, join me and you'll have your memories back." I make no move to join him and after a few seconds he says. "No? Fine then. You'll never find out who you were and nopony is going to remember you. When I stole your memories I also stole everypony else's memories of you." He then disappeared, leaving the barn to fester awkward silence.
I let out a sigh and start to doubt if I had just made the right choice. A silent tear ran down my cheek and I take in a shuddering breath. As another tear hits the floor I feel a gentle hoof resting on my shoulder.
"Don't worry sugarcube. Everything is going to be fine." I nod slightly and she takes her hoof of my shoulder and used it to lift my head up. "Look at me, sugarcube. Ah promise, the highest promise; a Pinkie Promise; Cross mah heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in mah eye. That everything is gonna be fine. We've defeated Discord several times and we'll do it again for ya." She then smiled at me and I smiled weakly back at her. Right then Twilight approached us.
"And I think I already might have an idea on how to stop him but I'm sure I'm not the only pony ready to get some sleep." Everypony else mumbled in agreement and started heading towards the doors. After a few feet Rainbow Dash perked up.
"I have an idea! Why don't you spend the night at my house? It's closer than Twilight's house."
"I don't see why not as long as she wants to." I sleepily nod at Twilight and Rainbow Dash takes off and I follow shortly. Flying out of the barn it only takes a few minutes to reach Rainbow Dash's house. I only half pay attention as she leads me through her house and into the spare bed room where I collapse on the bed. Immediately I slip into a dreamless sleep.
When I woke up light was streaming through the bedroom window. Rolling over I blink a couple of times, slightly confused about where I was then I remembered the events of last night. Taking a look around me I take in the beauty of the cloud home. A second later a loud crash sounded from a nearby room.
Following the sound, I end up in what I assume is Rainbow Dash's kitchen. The Pegasus in question was lying on the floor, several plates lying on the ground around her. She looked up at me sheepishly as I entered the room.
"Heh, heh. Did I wake you." I didn't respond, I just look at the dishes that were around her. "Oh, those... It was an attempt at making breakfast and bringing it to you. You were really loyal last night, sticking with your choice even when Discord baited you with your memories. That's almost as loyal as I am." I smile at her and then help her pick up the dishes. "Let's just get breakfast at Sugarcube Corner and then we can stop at Twilight's to hear what her idea is."
Nodding my head I follow her out of the house. Taking a few steps outside the house I see how high up the house was, something that wasn't visible last night. Taking a step away from the edge I couldn't help but think of when I started to fall last night. I know that I pulled out of it but I couldn't help but think of what might have happened if I hadn't. Rainbow Dash spread her wings, ready to take off when she looked over her shoulder to see me shying away from the edge.
"Hey don't worry. I won't let you get hurt. Besides I'm pretty sure you'll feel better when you have your hooves on the ground. So come on." She then took off, going into a steep dive. Swallowing hard I also take off and go into a less dangerous dive.
When I took off I had closed my eyes, after a second I opened the again only to immediately close them again. It took telling every muscle in my wings not to collapse, to stay in the air as a new wave of fear washed over me. From my right I hear Rainbow Dash's voice.
"You're doing fine. You're actually flying better than Fluttershy ever seems to fly. If you'd open your eyes you'd see just how beautiful the world is from above." Taking a deep breath I open my eyes and immediately look to my right to see Rainbow Dash smiling at me. "I know I said this already but I really can't help but think that you are so familiar. But that can't be possible. We just met two days ago." I slip into my own thoughts as I took in the beautiful landscape below.
Thoughts of the landscape aside I start to think about the 'memory' Discord showed me. Was it even a real memory? Discord was the one who showed it to me after all. The 'memory' clearly showed Rainbow Dash introducing me to the others, yet they didn't remember it. But then again Discord was holding back my memories, what's not to keep him from doing that to the others, as well. Last night he said that when he stole my memories he also stole everypony else's memories of me.
I let my mind simmer around this thought as Rainbow Dash and I flew towards Sugarcube Corner. A few minutes later we arrived, landing out front we found the others already waiting inside. Immediately Pinkie Pie ran only to reappear with two drinks balancing on a tray. Applejack quickly dragged a nearby chair over to their table and then motioned for me to sit.
Taking the seat graciously, a drink was set in front of me. Rainbow Dash sat to my right and had already started drinking out of the glass that Pinkie sat down in front of her. Looking at the drink for a second I then reach for it, not sure what flavor it would be. Twilight must have noticed because she spoke up.
"Don't worry, Pinkie Pie always, somehow, knows what exactly what everypony likes to drink. So don't worry, I'm sure you'll like it." Nodding, I take a sip and then smile, savoring the taste.
"What flavor was it Pinkie Pie? That is if you don't mind telling..." Fluttershy asked quietly and then went back to sipping from her own drink.
"Strawberry-Kiwi"
"That's very nice, dear. Now Twilight what idea did you have last night?" Rarity looked at Twilight expectantly as she said this.
"Well, how did we stop Discord last time? With the Elements of Harmony. So I got to thinking, what if we used the Elements, combined with the memory spell. I think it might work." Twilight explained rapidly and we were all silent for a moment as we processed what she had said.
"Sounds like it might work and there really can't be any harm in trying. The Elements are still in the Library aren't they?
"Yes, the Elements are back in the library. I think we should head back there as soon as we're done here." By the time Twilight has said this Fluttershy has just finished her drink and Rainbow Dash was almost done. My glass was still fairly full. Not wanting to hold up the rest of the group I take a few more drinks but quickly have to set the glass back on the table. Knots in my stomach stopping me from drinking anymore. Walking over to me Pinkie Pie picked up my glass, asking while she walked to the kitchen.
"Queasy stomach?" I nod my head. "Don't worry I'm sure that all of us would be nervous if we were in your position." She then disappeared into the kitchen, appearing a few seconds later. "Let's go. It's best to just get this over with. Besides I hate suspense."
Everypony got up from the table and followed Twilight outside. We walked towards the library in silence, upon arriving Twilight opened the door with her magic and we all filed in.
"Spike we're back. We're going to try my idea. Will you please bring the Elements?" Twilight called this out as she steps in and closes the door behind her. Spike appeared about a minute later with a box. Twilight opened the box and removed the contents with her magic.
The contents were five necklaces and a tiara. Each item had one of their Cutie Marks on it, the tiara having Twilight's six pointed star. She gave the necklaces to their appropriate owner before placing the tiara on her own head. Looking around I notice that the others had formed a circle around me. There must have been some silent cue from Twilight because they all tensed up and Twilight's horn started glowing.
As the spell grew stronger, her horn grew brighter and the tiara started pulsing. From the corner of my eye I could tell that the necklaces were pulsing very faintly. The atmosphere seemed to thicken as the spell grew stronger. After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few minutes Twilight stepped forward lightly touching her horn to my forehead. Nothing happened for a second and then a beam shot out of the tiara, connecting with the necklaces before they all shot beams out. The beams slammed into me, knocking my breath out of me and knocking me to the ground. When my head hit the ground I blacked out.
Memories Flashed through my mind, most of them I didn't catch but a few of them. One of them that stuck out was of a blue stallion and a purple stallion, along with a filly Rainbow Dash. The purple stallion, who had a rainbow mane, was a little ways off with the filly Rainbow Dash, apparently cheering her on. The blue stallion, who had a vibrant yellow and red mane, mixing into orange where the two colors met, was in front of me, instructing me like Rainbow Dash had when she was teaching me how to fly.
The memory changed to Rainbow Dash as a full grown adult. There was also a group of other adults, both stallions and mares, headed by a flame maned mare, all wearing the same blue and yellow uniforms. The flame maned mare, who was obviously the leader of the group, was holding out pendent with a winged lightning bolt on it. Glancing over my shoulder I see Rainbow Dash was smiling at me, nodding at me encouragingly, but I could tell there was some disappointment behind her smile. Behind the group I spotted a banner that said Wonderbolts on it but then the memory changed again.
The next memory was the same memory that Discord showed me, exactly the same as when Discord had showed it to me. The only difference was that I now understood how Rainbow Dash and I knew each other. Once that memory was over no others came and I slowly opened my eyes.
Letting out a groan I see the others looking at me expectantly. Everypony backed off except Rainbow Dash who just hovered back a foot. Carefully I picked myself up, my whole body aching as I did so. Looking at Rainbow Dash she smiles and hesitantly I ask.
"Sister?"
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You did great on the story. As for the chapters 5, 3, 4, 2, 1.
Yes i want more........ if that is ok with you
2455683
Thanks I'm glad that you liked and thanks for rating the chapters.
2455693 You're welcome. To follow up on this fic are you gonna do a large story of her before she lost her memory, just keep going from where you left off, or something else entirely?
2455688
Glad to hear that you want more. I have a lot of thoughts on how to continue this so it might take me a week or so to figure out how I want it to work out and to write it but I'll try and get it out as soon as I can.
2455698
I've had ideas for both and I might possibly do both or combine them into one. I've also had an idea for what might have happened if she hadn't sided with the Elements and had sided with Discord. But I think I'd have to write what happens in the timeline first to be able to make an alternate reality.
But most importantly I'm pretty sure I'm planning on continuing.
2455711 Awesome can't wait
Okay, story line? Good. Plot? Good. Details? Good. Spacing? Bad. Grammar? Good. And Spelling is good. I just find it hard to read without proper spacing between paragraphs, and HELL YEAH MAKE A SEQUEL!
2462808
Proper space? I'm confused on that. But I'm glad that you liked the rest of it. And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to make a sequel or two
2462840
Like, the chapters are too tightly crammed together. Lemme give you an example
WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS
WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS
The spacing, is too tight I would do it like this.
WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS
WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS
Just so readers can get some distinction between paragraphs.
2462848
Oh. Okay that makes more scene. Thanks
2462853
Your welcome :D
First off, wow- credit where credit is due. Amnesia plots are notoriously overused. It's really *really* hard to make them compelling because most readers have already encountered a bajillion different variations on the idea. The chances of the bajillionty-first (Of course that's a real number- why are you looking at me like that?) being sufficiently different from all the others to actually be interesting is staggeringly low. This story's conceit- not only is the amnesiac missing her memories but everyone who ever knew her has had their memories altered- has probably been done before, but I for one have never seen it. I've got to give you huge props for that.
Unfortunately, while you had a good core idea, the execution stumbles in a few places:
1) Character voices: The characters often don't sound or act like you would expect them to. For instance, when Applejack explains to the CMC that the protagonist doesn't have a cutie mark, it sounds like she's quoting from a medical journal. Her dialog in that instance should have been a lot more informal. I ain't just referrin' to her accent disappearin' all of sudd'n, neither- though it don' help matters none.
2) Everyone appears to be suffering from Expositionitis. Too often, a character will suddenly launch into a huge uninterrupted piece of dialog. Pure exposition should be avoided where possible (hence the old adage, "show don't tell"), but when unavoidable, it's more natural to have a back and forth conversation. Other characters ask questions and the one doing the exposition responds with pertinent information.
Having a mute protagonist introduces additional difficulty. When she is alone with another character, her inability to ask questions directly makes it difficult to avoid a stilted-sounding conversation.
3) Grammar, grammar, occasionally spelling and grammar. (Why yes I am aware that wasn't a complete sentence. Hypocrisy ho!) Normally, I don't call people out on these things. I genuinely, acutely despise nit-picking Grammar Nazis. If there are only occasional errors, I can easily ignore them. In this case, though, the story was absolutely littered with grammar and spelling problems. The biggest issue is the constant switching of case between present and past tense. Sometimes both tenses were present in the same sentence I am reading. (I sincerely hope you can see why that sort of error is distracting to a reader.)
This story desperately needs to be passed under the eyes of a proof-reader. Heck- I'd be happy to do it for you myself, but I suspect you're probably tired of listening to my criticism at this point.
Bottom line- as much as I liked the core idea and wanted to like the story, the problems in execution are forcing a regretful thumbs-down from me.
2632125
Thank you for taking the time to tell me why you didn't like my story and how I could make it better. It's really helpful.
I'm glad to hear that I had an 'original' idea with how I played out my amnesiac mute pony. The story started off with me being bored one night saying "Why not let's write a mlp Fanfiction". I took the character I was roleplaying with threw her into the first chapter. About half way through chapter one I realized I had no clue where this was going so I just had her go to Ponyville because Celestia always sends her problems to Twilight and the others. While writing chapter 2 I realized I had yet to give a description and when I went to describe her I realized that I had used Rainbow's mane and tail when I used a pony generator and that gave me the idea to make her Rainbow's sister. The other details came a little bit later and I was determined to finish this story because this is sadly the longest piece of writing I've ever finished because I get distracted easily and I'm always getting new ideas.
As for being 'out of character' with the dialog, that was because I haven't watched the show in a while. And Applejack's accent is me being horrible at writing with an accent. I live in the Midwest and we have virtually no accent other than hard Rs.
The huge chunks of dialog probably come from the fact that I will jump into long noninterupted rants about something and my friends know better than to interrupt me because I'll pull them in to a discussion that I will never drop. As for having the character mute I have always wanted to write a story where the last line is the main character's first line in the entire story.
Now on the issue of grammar and spelling I know that those are my two weakest points, especially when it comes to switching tenses. I did start fixing the tense issue but then I got distracted and now it's lying in a notebook somewhere in my room which looks like a tornado hit it. My friend who I normally have edit doesn't like mlp so I wouldn't ask her to edit for me so I had to do it myself which is needless to say not very much, consisting mostly of me throwing the chapter into word and then fixing anything that came up and calling it good. And that's bad I know that.
I would really like to say thank you because I've been wondering why people weren't liking my story but they'd just down thumb it and then leave and you actually took the time to write an explanation as to why you didn't like it. Thank you.
4873797
Which is the problem with the Human mind, remembrance is dangerous.
4873802
All you have is words which fray the mind, naught more. What can you do?
4873814
They bring some comfort to the distress and frantic mess.
4873823
It is of the better that I topple you. For if I don't we are slaves to an eternity.
4873837
The hectic scramble that is life is a better destiny... a better fate, then what you have in store for us.
4873853
But it is not what we want.
A life of eternal happiness and peace IS NOT A LIFE WORTH LIVING!
4873869
It is naught but a rock, something beautiful? Something to behold.
Something to show that the world is real.
Otherwise what is it? A mirage of a perfect world drowning itself in unwashed misery?
4873885
So you are made of dream? A corporeal entity?
4873902
Then if you are so confident I won't understand, why won't you show me? Allow understanding and peace may form.