Just a girl trying to make it as an freelancer writer. Please check out my stories, both fanfiction and independent works! Any comments are deeply loved and you're all awesome.
A prequel written for the Fallout: Equestria 300 member contest. A prequel story to a fo:e story I'm hoping to write in collaboration with a friend of mine. The origins of Shade, a zebra, that led to her future life decisions. The theme is 'Why did you do that?'
Note: Exactly 3000 words, even though it says a bit more. Don't know where it is counting the extra 48 words. But some how that number is going up.
Page generated in 0.1 seconds
Total duration
1,091 users online
2,038,050 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
While Fimfic says that there is 3,045 words words in this have I checked it on G-doc and that says that it is 3000 words, so it is a part of the competition.
And wow for hitting the limit spot on dude
2249027 I am just thankful you didn't say under 3k words >.> Cutting off each word was getting harder and harder.
Hello, Maskinos. I've come to warn you.
"Of what?" you might ask.
Well, you'll need a bit of backstory. See, I (because I am insane) just took on an editing job for Visiden Visidane. I'll be editing both of his stories. That may not sound like much, but it is. One is 187,619 words and the other is 192,242. So... yeah. That might lead you to wonder why I'm here, not editing them.
Simple, I'm trying to get help. However, I need to know that the person helping me is going to do a good job. That's where your story comes in. I just read it, editing as I went through. (I must say, it was an interesting story.) I directed the person I'm testing here, so expect a wall-o-text sometime soon.
Now for the part where I actually talk about the story.
Your main character, Shadow, was good. Her backstory fits the setting, and you gave enough information for us to guess what her traits are. I'm guessing she has high intelligence, charisma, and agility. Possibly tagged into stealth, repair, and melee (or speech). For keeping to such a short word-count, you had a rather intricate plot, so good on you. The only problem I had with it was why the stallion would waste so many resources on killing her, but that could be solved by characterization. (Which you had precious little space for.)
All in all, it was a good story. Have an upvote.
2255348 Eesh, almost 200k each? That's a whole lot of editing. Having read plenty of stories like that and having to edited my own work, I can see why you want help. And no problem, i always appreciate editing. I know I'm not the best and that I make mistakes, and it's only thanks to my current editor and people telling me about issues that I am as good as I am now. You should have seen my stuff from a little over a year ago, eesh.
Onto the second thing. Yeah, i had to cut out a lot of the characterization for the stallion. As it was the 3k words barely left me room to write that much of the story and I had to leave the final section to the imagination, likely to be explained in the full story once I get a chance to do it. As it is I do hope i showed enough of his characterization to explain most of what he did in the story. My main focus was trying to show her characterization since she is fairly pivotal in the main story.
Here comes the supposed wall of text as promised, I'm doing this for practice and in order for random to evaluate me. Hopefully i wont come off as a complete tool.
Nice story, impressive how much you managed to go through with merely 3000 words. While your way of writing does not really agree with me (i can imagine much is due to the word cap), you have a very enticing story. Really takes off towards the end
Here are the grammatical errors and odd spelling oversight that i picked out
comma
slave collar
comma
whom as its subjective, may be best to write "mother and father left"
traveling along/on the roads, odd choice of wording
try not to start sentences with and, just use "Then as quickly"
had
no a, or add dangerous place
choice, despite the sentence after.
child's
day's
tightly and painfully, cant say its necessarily wrong in the reversed order but it looks better
Again not necessarily wrong, but as the fumbling is causative to her apparent cease of fumbling: forehooves until she felt something sharp
especially due to having to use her mouth
suffering she had gone through at their hooves
into
be roasted alive, suffering the slow, agonizing death of thirst and dehydration.
comma
radroaches, while the rest
unicorns, id use its lips over hers but i don't think there's any rule to which one it should be.
and or comma
. not a comma and The farm
salvaged though. to complete the sentence
mouth, she took it and began
and was not
legs
jumped out from the other side, she leaned ( down ) on her forehooves
figuring that if she
comma
Besides, It's not like there's anywhere else you can go even if you try to run,”
comma not .
ready is stated twice, I suggest removing the first
We've got
2259587 Noooo! You complete tool, how could you say such horrible things about my story?!
All my life is woe and I will never write again! *collapses on a swooning couch.* Okay, not really. Thanks for catching all those errors for me and helping me make it better ^^ I always love getting editing since frankly while I am getting better there is still plenty that I miss. If you ever want to edit any of my other stories feel free and know your work is appreciated.
Also, thanks for the kind words about the story ^^ The 3k limit was kind of limiting so there was a lot I had to cut out, including the final scene. In the end though I feel I got what I wanted to convey across and I gave people motivation to read the actual work if they want to eventually find out about what happened at the farm.
As I read it did I catch two small things, did you know that you only use "a" before words starting with a consonant, and only "an" before words starting with a vocal"? Because you made a mistake like that, and in "and wa not suffering from malnutrition" you have forgotten a s on that was.
But a little question before I go, what was the theme of this story? Because I can´t really find it myself
2355402 Theme was 'Why did you do that?' Thanks for finding some more errors, I really wish I was better at self editing.