The Merely Mundane Tales (of a Mad-Pony in a Box)

by R5h

Family Appreciation Day—Derpy

“Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.” Got it right. “Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.” Got it right. “Hi hi, Mom Dad.”

Derpy cringed at the mistake, and said the words a few more times under her breath to be sure. At least no one was around to hear it; her parents lived in a quiet corner of Cloudsdale, and ponies were likely to be sparse on most days of the week.

She angled downward toward the cloud bank that had been her front 'lawn' for umpteen years, and landed gently. Now she wished someone had been around to see her; goodness knew she'd crashed face-first into the lawn enough times. She walked to the front door and knocked four times.

A few seconds later, it opened to reveal her parents standing there. Derpy smiled. Okay, easy does it. “Hi, Mom! Dad, hi!” What? No! “I mean, I mean—”

“We know, dear,” her mom said, pulling her into a hug.

“I mean... happy Family Appreciation Day,” Derpy finished into her mother's neck, clenching her jaw a bit. She pulled back from the hug, fumbled in her saddlebag, and pulled out a wing-made card, which she offered to her parents.

“That's very thoughtful of you, Ditzy.” Her father grinned and grabbed the card in his mouth. “Come on in, make yourself at home—so to speak.” With a wink he walked into the living room. Derpy groaned. Dad jokes. What can you do?

“So, how is everything?” she asked, once they were all sitting down inside. “It's been, like, a month since I got your last letter.”

“Well, considering what happened a few months ago, there hasn't been that much to tell.” Mr. Do took a draught of lemonade before continuing. “At least not compared to Canterlot burning down and all. Right now we're just shipping materials and materials from the plant. They say that within the year the city'll be pretty close to her former glory.”

Mrs. Do grimaced. “I still shudder to think what would have happened if those Elements of Harmony hadn't been there to save the day. Why, Cloudsdale might have been next on the chopping block. Say,” she asked, peering at Derpy, “they live in your town, isn't that right? Down in Ponyville?”

“Yeah, they do,” Derpy said. And I'm one of them now, Mom, she did not say. A little smile came to her lips, and she covered it by taking a sip of her own lemonade. Sometimes it was fun to have a secret.

“Speaking of shipping,” her dad said, “how's the old mail job going, eh? Still delivering, rain or shine or sleet or hail?”

Derpy's feathers shook, and some of the lemonade in the cup between them sloshed onto her body. She gasped. “Oh, sorry, Mom, I'll clean it up—”

Her dad did not hesitate; he upended his whole cup over his head, soaking his blonde mane immediately. “Haha, Ditzy! You'll have to do better than that if you want to beat the raining world champ!” Derpy chuckled in spite of herself. Dad jokes.

“I guess I'll get some napkins,” her mother sighed, fluttering over to the kitchen.

As she left, her father leaned in close to her, lemonade dripping down his forehead. “Is something wrong with the job, Ditzy?”

“No, no, it's fine. I'm just sorta, you know, job betweens right now. Bejobs tween. Between jobs!” she blurted, then shoved her hooves over her mouth, as if that would cancel out the words.

To no one's surprise, it didn't. “You're what?” Her mother rushed in from the kitchen, a single napkin held between her wing feathers. “Since when? I thought you were doing fine at the post office.”

“It was going fine! I didn't get kicked out or anything, I was doing great—I just left because...” But she could not say any more.

“Because...?” her mother, of course, had to ask.

Because an alien from another universe showed up, and we fought Discord together, and now I'm helping him build his magical time machine, and for some wonderful reason I'm really really good at it, she did not say. She felt sick in her stomach. “Research,” she managed.

“Um?”

“I'm doing magic research.” It's almost true, after all, she told herself. Oh, no it's not. It's a sack of lies. Who am I kidding?

Not her parents, by the look of it. Her mother's face looked so dubious, Derpy might as well have told her she'd gotten a pet windigo. “Magic research with who?”

“Uh...” She said the first name that popped into her head. “Doctor.” Only to realize she couldn't use that, and cast around desperately for a second name. “Shift Blue! I mean Blue Shift, Doctor Blue Shift. We're trying to figure out how to—how time magic works. And it's not a really big project, that's why you've probably never heard of it.” That was the worst lie ever.

“And... how is that?” her father asked.

“Good! Really good.” She raised her glass to her face and drank slowly.

No one talked for what was probably a minute, but seemed like an hour. Then her mother, hesitating almost with every word, said, “Sweetie? You know you can tell us anything, right?”

“Um... yes?” Not this, she thought.

“And if you're doing magic research with Doctor Blue Shift, we're very proud of you,” her mother continued. “And if there's anything else you want to tell us...” Not this, Derpy thought.

“Kind of our job, isn't it?” Her father smiled warmly at her. “But if you need to take your time to tell us, that's fine too.”

“... yeah,” she said. “That one. The second option.” She looked down at her still-dripping front.

There were a few more painful seconds of silence before her dad jumped right back in. “Anyway! I hear the Stratushire Zephyrs are playing the Cloudsdale Chinooks in about an hour at the thunderball stadium, and tickets are half off. What do you say we head on over and watch the sparks fly?”

“Dear, you're sounding like the stallion on the radio commercials,” his wife admonished.

Derpy's father shrugged. “If you say so. So who wants to head on down this Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaaaaay?” Her mother sighed, but raised a hoof in assent. “Wonderful! Whaddya say, Derpy?”

“I'm not doing magic research,” she mumbled.

“Sorry, what did you say?” Her dad's smile pinched inward.

“I said I'm not doing magic research!” Both her parents looked at her, and Derpy felt incredibly small. She huddled back into the chair, her head bent inward; it was too hard to return her parents' gazes. “I lied, because I can't tell you the truth about this one, not now right.”

“Well, why not?” her mother exclaimed.

“You'd think I'd gone crazy.” Derpy forced herself to look at her mother. “But I swear it's nothing bad—it's the opposite of bad. It's literally out of this world. I just—I just can't tell you right now, okay?”

“If not now, then when?” Derpy averted her gaze once again, only to feel a wing pushing her chin up. Her mother had crossed the room and was standing in front of her. “Ditzy, you're making me worried.”

“Derpy, Mom!” She pushed away her mother's wing. “Ponies call me Derpy now!”

“You shouldn't call yourself stupid just because everypony else does, Ditzy.”

“He doesn't!” Derpy's eyes widened. So did everyone else's. Did I just say that?

“Oh?” Her mother pounced. “There's a boy?”

“No!” Derpy grimaced. “Well, technically, but not like a boyfriend—ugh, this isn't how this was go to supposed! I mean supposed to go!” She cast a pleading look at her father. “Can we just talk about this later and go watch thunderball now?”

“Yes! Great idea! I'll get my moneybags and then we'll get going.” Her father leaped from his chair and exited the room at top speed.

“Ditzy.” Her mom leaned in close and dabbed tenderly at the lemonade still dripping off her body with the napkin. “Please just tell me.”

“Soon,” she replied. “I promise, Mom. As soon as I can make sure you'll believe me.”

Her mother grimaced, but before she could say anything more her dad was back with his money bags. “Well don't just sit there, you slowpokes!” he called as he dashed out the door. “Do we want good seats or not?”

Her mother pulled a tight, presentable smile onto her face and followed her dad out the door. “Are you coming, Ditzy?” she said.

“Coming, Mom!” A few seconds later, Derpy walked out of the house, closed the door behind her, and took off. “Hi Mom, hi Dad,” she muttered, letting the wind at her face carry her words away. “I'm actually the Element of Honesty, and this is the Doctor, and we're building a time machine. I'm the new Element of Honesty, and this is the Doctor, and we're building a time machine. I'm the Element of Honesty....”

Comments

[The-Doctor]

Poor Derpy. She really does try.

[Arcanist Ascendant]

SUNDAY NIGHT.
FOOTBALL NIGHT.
IN EQUESTRIA.

[oldmanjenkins11]

WAIT.....did you say Derpy knocked 4 TIMES!!!! If that isn't foreshadowing then I don't know what is.