• Member Since 8th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Sunday

Mothykins


To emerge from a cocoon, transformed

T

The Paradise Inn, on some nights, became a theater of an unusual type.

Mares and stallions told tall tales, and even a griffon tried her talon at the craft, entertaining the crowd.

If only all the drama only happened in the stories they told.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 5 )

“The story doesn’t end until the hero dies.”

Marr might as well have been dead at the end there. It sounds pretty final to me, and it’s heartbreaking to know that because she was hurt so much as a chick, she can’t face anything without literally tearing herself apart. It’s heartbreaking to know that her story’s over.

This story felt, in a way, like a story about stories, a story about the story of life, except Marr didn’t recover from the Heroic BSOD. There was so much left, but she just couldn’t handle it.

I don’t know why this story was in the popular stories tab, it has no comments, less than 130 views, less than 10 likes. is 8 years old, and is by an author who is practically inactive. I don’t expect anyone to see this comment, nor anyone to read this story in the future. This story’s story is also over.

But still, for anyone who sees this, this story is absolutely amazing.

I'd say, this story lacks in parts that are rather essential. However, it still manages to provide what it promises. That being a sad tale and tragedy.

Now onto my issues. There was quite the lack of characterization here. Zephyer didn't have much personality, and was there for Marr to care for. Bane, playing the role of the devil advocate, also lacks in terms of personality too, but is by far the one that works the best other than Marr. The others are just...there. And even worse they don't add that much to the story. There is this one scene where Marr and Zeph are playing chess and...that's it. they played chess and Zeph won. In fact we get to the last part of the game just to read about Marr's defeat and Zeph trying to cheer her up. Continued with the next part in which bane confronts Marr about courting Zeph. To which, I didn't care. There was simply no instances of genuine feelings from Marr towards Zeph nor we got much other than she loves Zeph. But why? Did it just happen when they stared at each other? Or Zeph was just, nice and kind and that made Marr to grow feelings for her? We don't know. She just likes her.

The story tends to jump from scene to scene instead of letting the narration take it's full course and let everything connect to one another. Which, personally, I don't enjoy. It feels as if there are many instances missing and the scenes are not explored to their absolute limit. We are in the inn in a second and then we are at the story night after the story has been told.

I liked how Marr was approached in terms of characterization more than the others but even then, the lack of relationship between the other characters and the fact that other's don't really have much going on, Marr is left with not much potential. You can see her pain, you could even feel it at some parts. The mental chaos that is in her skull is executed rather nice but even then, it's not very satisfying because there is just so much missing here and there.

There was a foreshadowing of the tale in the first chapter, which I liked. I feel it did went with that premise and gave Marr a rather nice mid point but then stuff goes downhill. To which brings us to the end of Marr's tale, her presumably dying.

Overall, the story does give you the kick of sadness and tragedy but it could have been a lot better if the characters and scenes were explored more. the fact that there is a significant number of OC's here, demands for such approach anyway. But that said, It was an interesting one to read for sure.

I used to do it all the time for this one mare - always crashing into things. Ditzy little thing.

do i spy a reference? a good one, if so!

so the beginning was promising, if a bit overwhelming, since it takes a lot more to introduce an all-OC cast in an OC setting. that the story narrows down to just the interactions between Marr and Zephyr definitely helps the focus of the story, but
on the other hoof that makes all of the setup in the beginning really feel like it had no payoff, since nothing about storytelling or Paradise Inn really seems to matter in the last two chapters. that also made the setting and the storytelling feel like it lacked a purpose, except for maybe some meta-commentary on the fic-writing process. those are always fun, and i definitely understand the appeal of writing things like that!

and as a lesbian who's dealt with straight crushes and the complicated guilt that comes from that, i do hope on more than one level that this is an expression of a personal experience, as awful as the implications of that would be, since being Marr does not seem like a good time at all. the way the story contracts its focus onto Marr's inner world to the exclusion of all else, the way the dialogue by the secondary characters seem less like from real people and more like manifestations of an anxious, self-hating mind's worst fears of what someone would say and think, both give the latter half a very dreamlike quality. the framing of Marr as the protagonist is also very interesting. it really feels like a conversation that we only hear one side of, and it's hard to say whether or not Marr's thoughts are meant to be seen as an accurate view of the world or not. maybe i am missing something obvious, but it does make me think.

and i am a sucker for circular structures that end where they began, so i did appreciate that bit.

Right.

Reading through this story, I can see you put genuine effort into introducing your OCs, and I respect you for that. It's quite hard introducing OCs to make a significant impact on a oneshot, which you have done.

This story is what I'd call a delivered promise. The tags are absolutely right, and it's a really good read.

But there is one thing I have to point out; the scene jumps are a little jarring for me at times, which puts me off a little. Perhaps you could improve on that? (I know they're probably inactive, but just making a note just in case they ever *do* come back.)

But what I do like the most is that you manage to make me empathize with the characters, which is always a win in my book. Here, have an upvote and favorite from me, because you've earned it.

10955380
It was an odd thing, coming on here at random to seeing this small flurry of comments. Digging up a lot of old feelings.

You... Completely nailed what was going on here. It's panicked, fractured and unreliable narration, a one sided conversation of what's going on, and you're not going to ever be sure that this is all how it happened.

I'm absolutely floored to come back to this and have someone pull it apart and see it for exactly what it was.

The criticism on the opening is extremely valid. Thank you for putting down your thoughts, this was a surprise.

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