Spike The Pimp
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NO! I can give a review if you like, but I HAVE to downvote.
2231808 That's fine, After all it does help me become a better writer, and please do.
1: The word count IS a big deal, whether or not you have impeccable story telling skills. Unless your story is worthy of the feature box, than that word count is going to beg for down votes right from the start.
2: I know that the grammar is hindered by what you have at hand, but I still have to put you at fault for posting it if you knew that it had those flaws. Some sentences don't even fit properly, yet I've seen a few of them in this tiny chapter like this
And this...
Not all words that come after commas need to be capitalized. And a few of these lines needed to be separated into their own sentences.
3: The dialogue seems WAY off to me. Spike is caught between jock and shy nerd. I'm being a bit picky here, but dialogue is a big deal for me.
This line seems to insinuate that he's kind of uncomfortable with his situation. He's stammering and hes acting like he hasn't really noticed the attention. But then he comes around and says this.
Does he know that he looks good? Is he trying to feign a sense of modesty when he says that he works out, when he clearly seems to be strong in this fic? I like to have an idea of the character's personality early on, but this kind of left me confused. And WTF Twilight
you're practically his mom!
The review would be longer, but there's hardly anything here...
You might as well have
written all this in haiku
because it's so short
2231909 Thanks for the review, most of it was written in under two days anyway so it's not a serious fic in the matter. But still, room to improve is needed.
2232015 Sorry about that. I will write longer chapters in the future. Currently on break though.
2232050
Your avatar is Joshua Graham so I forgive you.
I will say this: it is a good idea for a story, even if it has been done before in other forms.
But the main problem you have is your writing ability to express your message.
my advice would be to slow down and describe the scene. I mean, you only have four sentences to describe Spike giving Rainbow Dash an oil massage (including when he goes back and applied to her 'wet spots')
Now, I'm horrible with dialogue, so I will not try and help where I can't, but I can help with the descriptive scenes, and I would suggest that you, again, slow down and go through the motions, go through the feelings and the expressions... that would at least help: slow down and describe, don't just tell as quickly as you can
you understand?
2232097 Yes sir, Part 3 (currently in works.) Should have better descriptive elements along with well.. more descriptive scenes! Hopefully anyway.
more now
Remember,
Friendship is Magicno russianWould be good longer but fine shorter. I like it. Just as long as there is Twi x Spike
So... Antro? I think I missed that part somewhere.
2232898 I was wondering if anyone would get the little easter egg
2232572 I'm on a small break, I might continue writing on part 3 in almost two days... Here is a teaser on who will be next:
Maaaaaybe Fluttershy :3
2235001 Thanks, and that might be a part. Considering i've gotten a few good reviews. Alot of PMs asked for that by the way.
Hmm... this looks good so far. I'll read part 2, but for now, I'm not voting either way.
2235656 Thanks! More views the better!
this fic pleases me
please tell me that there will be some Spike/Twilight lovin
Q: is this anthro or normal ponies?
update soon please
2239251 It is indeed anthro, and I am considering writing a Twilight chapter. Alot of people asked for it.
If anybody could make me a image for this story, I would be in your debt forever.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8357-mlp_cliffhanger.jpg
2255944 If I ever get off my lazy ass and write, I can finish the main fic then add the "Good" parts afterward.
Seems Legit
I...
CAN'T....
HOLD.....
ON....
MUCH......
LOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGEEEERRRRR!!!!!!1!!!!11!!!11!!!1!!1!1!!11!!111!
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTCrI0ledN07MuVujd8s_ew5DBgBhn5iwoaiI2Gv-qOEV1nWomvww
Seems sorta...meh, so far. Not bad by any stretch, but not exactly engaging either.
And you should have mentioned in an author note or something that it's Anthro (Really, the site should have a tag for that, shouldn't it?)
2291120 It really should, it's kinda odd how they don't have one.
2289080 Sheesh son, Hold on. I'm still doing some school work. I might pick back up on writing next week.
2293792
Well, who would we ask to get one?
2293909 I'm not sure. Maybe a Mod?
2298113
I mean is there a mod address or do we have to find mod users, I don't know, I've only been here a couple months
2298549 I'm not sure either, just check around I suppose.
BWAHAHAHAA!!!!
And i'm now an official fan of this, my first pony anthro, fic. It seems a bit rushed and could probably use a touch more detail in the scenes, but i certainly look forward to more.
2332643 It was slightly rushed but thanks for the err.. Fact of being a fan?
2334692 You're most welcome. I'm enjoying this story,
2334701 I'm considering to write this weekend. Unless well.. Something unexpected comes up, so there is a update rumor! Finally!
Spike, whatever you do nail her without end.
2347482 Oh trust me, he did.
2347494 EXCELLENT.
Awesome chapter. Fluttershy makes everything better. I look forward to the next part and am hoping we get to see this implied sex scene.
Very good. Been waiting for the 3 chapter :P. I must say well done on it.
awesome
2349230>>2348509>>2349328 Thanks for all the... umm.. Good things? About the story.
Annnnd... No sex until the main story is done! Those will be bonus parts.
2351943 Not at all, not at all.
Awww. I suppose that's understandable, though.
Oh. If you ever want me to seriously critique your work or offer advice just let me know. I'm no expert at it, but i'd be willing enough to give it a try.
2359172 Sure, but it would be better if it was a private message.Thanks for the offer too.
Yes it is rare to find a fanfiction author here. Quick remedy if you have a google account upload the microsoft file to google then convert the microsoft into a google doc make it public and bodabing bodaboom you got instant upload.
The idea is good, defiantly keeping my attention, leaving the vote up in the air until I read the whole fic, but you are defiantly getting favorited.
nicely done. I'll admit the grammar SUCKS!! but I've seen worse... immensely worse stuff then this. It could be a lot better, but I've come to terms that not everyone is perfect at writing.
Um in part two, you wrote in part two, that Rainbow was the one of the sexiest ponies in Equestia, even though you made being naked a big deal, and that her tits were in the front, so are they anthro or human?