• Member Since 8th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 1st, 2019

GordonFreebrony


I'm pretty sure words go in here somewhere...

T

Please Note: This is a Half-Life Crossover, so there will be gore.... and language... and bad puns/references (Ever seen the Minds?)... Just a warning.

The timeline from the original Half-Life game is split just before the final teleportation scene. Gordon finds himself trapped in Equestria, a seemingly peaceful dimension inhabited by three separate races of sentient ponies. However, the peace is shattered when elements of both Earth and Xen begin to bleed through the second inter-dimensional rift Gordon had created. (The first being the initial resonance cascade).

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 144 )

The Story concept is meh, I've seen it multiple times before. Numerous Grammar errors here and there. It's all good. Except for ONE THING. The giant wall of text. If you can't paragraph in this story. IT WILL hurt peoples eyes. And THEY WILL not want to read this story anymore. Hopefully this helps. I won't rate this for now. We'll see where this goes. Cheers!

Best Half-Life crossover i have read. All the others seem to have Gordon say something, and are not written very well.

2258405
I have tried to paragraph. FIMfiction does not like the <p></p> or [p] [/p] formats....
and trust me, the beginning might seem like others you have seen, but it is not the same.
And can you help the grammar errors when you have no editor? I can't proofread worth sh*t.
EDIT: I will manually change the paragraphs... When I get a chance...
RE-EDIT: Fixed, I think
2259465
Thanks!

I can't tell you how much I love this story. But I have something for later in the story if you want. Since time goes faster on earth then it does the pony world this brought up a couple questions. Maybe since Gordon didn't kill the final boss in XEN maybe there could be a global crisis on earth. Witch causes deaths out the wild zoo. But some how the human race manages just fine some how and begins to clean up the mess. But far away in a different universe, the Combine or Universal Union see this as a chance to take over earth. This leads to the 7 HOUR WAR. When the combine capture the black mesa team they force them to tell them were freeman is. But, all they can do is give them is freeman's portal location. So the combine ship out towards ponyville and Gordon Freeman... Oh p.s. Every time I heard Gordon talk after him mentioning drugs right before breakfast. I could not help but read it like Ross Scott from Freeman's Mind....... :D

2266991
Well, after struggling through and translating your... *ahem* grammatical errors, I see your point, in fact, some of your ideas were already in my mind. Thank you for your input.

P.S. That was the general idea. That's also where I got most of the yelling fit from at the end of the chapter....
P.P.S. It's Wazoo, not 'wild zoo'
P.P.P.S. How do the combine even know of Freeman? They only found out about him AFTER he began to get noticed by the officials...

please tell me they will be soldiers, maby even commander shepherd please:scootangel:

2267320
What? How did you... GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!
*whispers to self* don't think about it, don't think about it... he can't read your mind. you are safe... Ohm Ohm Ohm

2267703
A pale man in a blue suit walks up to you, a briefcase in his right hand. His blue, piercing eyes reaching yours. He speaks in a strange voice, enunciating the wrong syllables.
"If you have truly peered into the mind of one such as him, you would finds yourself shattered. The horrors contained within could drive even my employers to insanity. You have a choice, or a semblance of one, in your fate. Continue down the... path that you are, or give up, leave and forget the whole incident. I would hate to have to inform my employers of such a... breach ...in the security of the timeline. If you continue on the... road ...you now lead, you must prepare yourself for unforeseen consequences."
With that, you see the man disappear in a door of complete white, the words "It's Time To Choose" echoing out. The choice is yours alone to make.

2268715
And I didn't even have to bring out my secret weapon.... MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

great now all we need is shepherd and this will be perfect

2272530
I WARNED YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY HEAD, BUT DID YOU LISTEN? NOOOOO... TASTE CROWBAR YOU PSYCHIC FREAK. *BAM*BAM*BAM*

Huh... I thought Appleoosa was only recently settled. Applejack mentioned to me her cousin was there at the groundbreaking for the orchard.

Must be a discrepency in the universes. Can't expect everything to be the same.

2277444
YEAH.... Umm, if anyone asks, I did NOT stick my privets in the fracture to see if I could 'fuck-up' that universe...

....... Ok, definitely an alternate universe me. I don't do drugs, and its only paranoia if your wrong.

2277491
You don't have to hide it. I know about the stash in your thermos. Remember, we share very similar memories.

2277457 ..... How are you me? The closest thing I ever did involved a bathtub, a toaster, and a fork.

2277537
Umm... Right.... Just stay away from the 'prescription antidepressants' for a while...

2277553 ........... Oh those... yeah good call.

Hey, I am writing HL2 crossover too! :pinkiesmile:
But I will crossover with some more crap too. :twistnerd:

This is slowly mutating into a large mind-clusterfuck.
I like it! :pinkiecrazy:

2279572
Not certain If you mean the story, or the comments...

Also I read your fanfic, and you an see my response there.
(A for effort, C- for delivery)
P.S. Mine is a Half-Life 1 Crossover, not Half-Life 2 or beyond.

Ooooh i really hope Sheperd shows up. I would really love to there reactions to that.:rainbowlaugh:

........ You know in the last week I've been attack by an autobot made of play dough, a creepy statue, and someone I wont describe.

This poor alternate me still has worse luck. Though I note that he appears to be at a future date than I. Incident occurred at about 1980s on my end.

2290180
Yeah, there was this whole hullabaloo in the other world about how technology wasn't THAT advanced, to allow for the HEV and everything, so they kinda changed the timing.... LOL.

Are you going to bring in the two from Decay?

2290180 Creepy statue? Sounds like someone's been hitting SCP Containment Breach lately.

"Containment is Magic!!":pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

:trollestia:

2280010 Ok. By the way, did you know that the HEV-Suit is made by a third party company?
If you look closely on the HEV chargers on the walls in game you can see a small tm after the HEV logo. :twistnerd:

“Damnit Gordon, fine, you win. Again. I’ll buy you another beer when we get home.”

Gordon is in for one hell of a hangover... :rainbowlaugh:

2291359 Well that one was there to, but I was referring to another statue. An angelic statue if you will.

Well, Ignoring the third-party comments on the story (LOL)
2292493 2292478
The suit is? Hmm.. never got that into it... I'll have to check it out, but it may be that Black Mesa trademarked the suit.
and yeah, he is...
2290871
No, no I'm not. Really having Gordon Freeman, Barney Calhoun, and Corporal Shephard on the same team is just a wee bit OP, so anything else is just adding on to the WAAAYYY OVERKILL on the current team. So I believe I am done bringing in outside characters. at least for the time being.
plus, I never played Decay, so yeah.
2290706
IDK, (probably me, as I am the god of this universe... I mean uhh... ignore that statement)

2293263 I work for the government, I'm good at forgetting things.

2293961
The truth, and irony, of your statement astound me... OK, no it doesn't, but still.

Is Gordon addicted to heavy antidepressants? :pinkiegasp:

I like to think Gordons voice is Ross Scott's voice. Shepards voice is KrimsinYT's voice, and barney's voice as IRAMightyPirate's voice.
For some reason. owell.:yay:

2297523
I have the vague feeling I wanted that to happen... Hmmm... IDK why...
2297403
No, no, They're... prescription... I swear...
OK, fine you caught me. I've been sneaking Oxycondone in... Don't tell anyone..
Oh... wait...

I'm going to look at this one chapter at a time.

Before reading this, my first impression is of the wall-of-text description filled with parenthesis, brackets, a bold "Please Note", and a spoiler alert. WAAAAAY too much for just a description.

Descriptions are best when they are brief. They exist to quickly capture the interest of the reader. Keep in mind, many people on here will be browsing through stories, and won't even be able to see all the words due to space limitations in the story browse section. They'll see the start of it, and be very confused. You literally have a scene in your description, and readers might think you pasted the first chapter into the wrong text area or something.

A better place for this would be in an entirely seperate chapter, placed in the beginning of the story. As much as I'm against such things as prolouges and prefaces, it's better than having a scene with dialog, etc, in your story description.

Some train of thought, before the final opinion:

He was glad that there had been plenty of ammunition for all of his weapons, in fact his suit's ammunition monitor had told him he could store no more in the suit itself, but the damn scientists were asking the near impossible from him.

^ Commas aren't enough. You need at least dashes, and possibly seperate sentences.

He was still surprised that the suit had spots for all of the weapons he had with him

^ Really?! He's travelled all this way and is still being surprised by the suit he's been wearing the whole time?
Maybe in Unforseen Consequences, but NOT Lambda Core.

Do I really care about the intricate details of where all his weapons fit?

he felt like he had fractured a few ribs and maybe a leg

You say this like it's an everyday occurrance.

Fluttershy was hiking through the forest
Add a better transition. This comes out of nowhere

She had come to help the badger find his own home, and to get him to stop Badgering, Fluttershy couldn’t help but giggle at her own pun, the squirrel.

Feels OOC for Fluttershy to giggle at a pun, but okay. Also, the Badger is in a tree. Why? Why not have the badger knocking on her front door? Not to mention this sentence has the same problem as the first one I mentioned.

She took one last look at the strange creature, and then jumped into the air to fly back and get help. She returned a few minutes later, Twilight galloping along behind her, and saw the creature again.

^ Needs a new paragraph. You go from describing Freeman, to thinking about Twilight, to fetching Twilight, to having Twilight look at Freeman. That's, like, four different topics and ideas in one paragraph. Split it up.

“Welcome to the H.E.V. Mark IV protective system. For use in hazardous environment conditions.

^ This is the perfect place for a colon instead of a period.
Also, we really don't need to hear the ENTIRE suit's introductory speech.

Something was off about this place, the air was a little too sweet, the trees just a few shades to bright, and the thick black lines surrounding everything were…. Wait a minute, Gordon thought, Thick black lines? This isn’t earth, where am I?

Look up the term "run-on sentence". I don't think you know what it is.



The rest of the chapter seems to have the same reocurring problems.

And the final opinion:

I like some of the concepts: Gordon not talking, a few humerus lines, etc...

The main problem is, it feels dry. It's like you're just going through the motions, or summarizing without really showing us anything. Instead, it's filled with a bunch of unnecessary information that we don't really need. You have a piece of meat, yes, but all its juices have been sucked out, and you've tried to compensate by smothering it in salt.

There are good things in there: lines like "Gordon just stared at him, contemplating whacking him over the head with his crowbar," and "He hadn’t eaten since the bowl of noodles he stole from Fred that morning before the experiment." These are GOLD. This is the juice for the meat.

Lines like these are bad:

“Welcome to the H.E.V. Mark IV protective system. For use in hazardous environment conditions. High-impact reactive armour activated. Atmospheric contaminant sensors activated. Vital sign monitoring activated. Automatic medical systems engaged. Weapon selection system activated. Munition level monitoring activated. Communications interface online. Have a very safe day."

This is an entire paragraph that is LITERALLY straight out of the game. It's practically copied verbatum from the game's transcript, and adds NOTHING to your story. Not only is it unoriginal, but your readers will get bored reading it, and those who recognize as a copy of the Half-Life transcript will start to think you lack creativity. This is the salt that needs to go away.

The last thing I will note is the Author's Note. These are frowned upon in our reviewer circles, and for good reason. You rarely want to address your readers just after they finish reading the chapter. It destroys the immersion, and makes you look like you're afraid they won't like your story. I'm hard-pressed to think of a reason to have one of these, save to acknowledge that a character or idea was borrowed or inspired from somewhere else, and to give credit to them. Even that could be added in the description. Any real notes reguarding people's opinions, how you did stuff, or pointing out flaws, can all be done in your blog, away from the chapter itself.

You got the steak. Now get rid of the salt, add some more juice, and the flavor will show up a lot better.

I like the idea, and you seem to have a good grasp on realism, as far as how the ponies might react.

I'm not going to comb through it for small details, as this chapter has the same problems as the first chapter (at least you're consistent?), but this chapter was a bit better. I think you're improving...

I'm starting to wonder why Twilight didn't confiscate his weapons. These things can KILL! Twilight's smart enough to realize the potential for danger. I would have expected her to take action to ensure the safety of her fellow ponies. At the very least, Celestia should have done so.

Also, taking Gordon back to the library is, frankly, kind of stupid. He's a foreign creature of potentially lethal danger, and she takes him straight to the heart of her own home town. To say this is OOC for Twilight is an understatement.

The writing idea was good, though: writing on parchment for communication.

2318023
Well... I guess I did ask for this...

To start off:
I see your point with the opening scene, and will probably fix that in some way. Thinking back, It was not the smartest idea to do that.
All your grammatical pointers will be taken into consideration and most likely fixed as well.
As for the bits about the weapons, the game never really goes through HOW he fits all of these weapons onto a suit designed to protect scientists in radioactive areas. The pistol is understandable, but a Rocket Launcher? If I owned a suit like that that had a spot for a Rocket Launcher AND ammo, plus all the other weapons, it would take a long time fro me to get over the fact. I also added it for later use in how he appears to the ponies.
Secondly, Gordon just walked through Black Mesa and bits of Xen, was attacked by inter-dimensional creatures, and has single-handedly killed over a battalion of US troops. I think that he has had quite a few cracked ribs and legs during that time. Also, it's not a transition, its an introduction. The ________________ indicated a shift of scene and/or POV, therefore it was an introduction to Fluttershy.
Thirdly, I admit I went a little OOC for the characters, but the whole 'pun' thing was just for fun, whereas Twilight has just met a new species. Twilight, being the studious bookworm she is, has witnessed Fluttershy walk up to it and back unscathed, and has found out it is intelligent, wants to study him. Therefore, bring him back to the library and get all of the answers she can.
Fourth(ly?): I did place the speech verbatim. I did that for two reasons: one, most of the readers probably don;t know the speech, and two, it felt awkward to go from "The suit turned on, its female voice speaking out the normal introduction procedure, To the part about Gordon's injuries.
Fifth(ly?): I know what a run-on sentence is, and that is not one. If you pay close attention, The sentence is split with Gordon's own thoughts.
Sixth(ly?) I guess I do abuse the A/N. I should probably stop that.
Seventh(ly?): Gordon's weapons weren't known about until AFTER they reached the treehouse, until then he seemed a peaceful, if alien, sentient being. Twilight was burning with questions, though the fire was dampened after the incident with Pinkie. If you notice, however, Gordon does not bring out his weapons after the incident, at least until the forth chapter. On top of that, I can't write Celestia very well, so being OOC for her is the most likely case when it comes to my writings, although I've been reading a lot of material recently and have begun to understand her character better. As for taking him back to the library, forgetting what I've already written about curiosity, the ponies are naturally trusting by nature in the show, therefore, unless someone does something to upset that trust, they would most likely be accepted or given the benifit of the doubt.
Finally: I apologize for the comma'd run-ons, but they make sense to my mind. Blame constantly nestling If/Then's in C++ and Basic and Java etc. I will try to take your advice in the future chapters. Also, I got an editor for the sixth chapter and beyond, so hopefully the story gets smoother after that.

More of the same kind of problems:

Celstia could not shake the feeling of something wrong with the creature; almost sinister, and definitely dark.

Semicolons go between two complete sentences.

Celestia sounds too much like the narrator. She needs to do more summarizing. And there needs to be more back-and-forth with Twilight and the others, asking questions, etc.

It's a nice concept, but the paragraphs sorely need to be broken up. Just like you can have a run-on sentence, you can also have a run-on paragraph.

2318967
I understand. I will do better in future chapters... And as before, I can't write Celestia well, though I am slowly building up a better grasp of her character.

I like where this is going.

Pinkie Pie's a bit OOC. I would expect Fluttershy to be the one describing the headcrab as "cute". Heck, with Fluttershy's ability to tame almost anything, I wouldn't expect the headcrabs to be much of an issue.

Still, Freeman's reaction to them was priceless. Definitely the kind of juice you want on this thing. MOOOORE!

Oh, and, get rid of the massive introduction the suit has to the new unit. That's definitely a giant pile of salt. You can still have it in the story, but break it up, or better yet, summarize it.

As much as I don't like onomatopoeias, they seem to fit in this ridiculous story.

2319018
Two things:
One: How can you ever write someone as random as Pinkie OOC? LOL.:pinkiecrazy:
Two: My story is... ridiculous? :raritycry: WAAAHHHHHHH :raritydespair:

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