Prince Blueblood and the Human Gas

by Lord Destrustor

Bothersome Ponderings

Prince Blueblood and the Human Gas

Prince Blueblood was deeply bothered. Granted, as anything that detracted him from thinking about himself brought no small amount of disquiet, his life was usually filled with almost nothing but bother and annoyance. He should have been used to it. But this time was different; the particular issue he was having at the moment stemmed from much deeper than his usual grievances, and it had something to do with the impromptu and thankfully final visit of a certain human earlier that day.

Not that he missed that particular specimen, nor would he ever say that the visit had been enjoyable in any way. In fact, the human in question had been undoubtedly one-if not the- worst of the bunch to date.

Not that the presence of any of those frankly ugly creatures in Equestria had brought anything good to the world, in his eyes. They seemed to just pop out of nowhere at an alarming rate, these days, demanding rights and privileges and making ridiculous claims about their world. They were like some sort of over-entitled, meat-eating, smelly vermin.

Most of them were eager to return to their certainly disgusting world, which was good, but certain problems littered their path to getting there. The prince was not the bookish type, and, as such, hadn’t paid much attention to the “magic” section of his exorbitantly costly education, but he knew enough to understand the basics of why the portal back to ugh, “Earth”, was finicky.

It all came down to a myriad of physical and psychological traits of any given individual, which, in some cases, made the travel either incredibly dangerous or outright impossible, for reasons he couldn’t be bothered to try to understand. Although he vehemently advocated throwing the whole bunch in anyway and simply wishing them good luck, his –ahem- infinitely wise aunts had insisted on running a battery of tests on every single one to make sure they were safe.

To his great lament, the always correct and consistently benevolent princesses had also insisted to host the humans in the royal palace for the duration of said tests, to “make the testing more enjoyable and less stressful, and to show goodwill in the face of our guests’ predicament.” Of course, that didn’t help when they were told they could not go back, and their little tantrums could be heard all the way to his quarters. The one time he had asked the wailing monkeys to tone it down so he could enjoy his dinner in peace, he had been savagely assaulted in a fit of completely unjustified madness. He had since resorted to complaining loudly to his aunts only after the little incidents, so as not to upset the irrational brutes. He was a magnificently patient prince, after all.

Thankfully, the cause of his current dismay had not provoked one such incident. The prince considered himself truly fortunate that this human could, indeed, be sent back. He simply wouldn’t have tolerated the thought of this insufferable beast inhabiting Equestria even one second longer.

Indeed, since the very first day of his stay at the castle, that one human had been an absolute pain in his side, as well as a truly remarkable paragon of poor education and bad manners. A real gem, one could say, if the word “gem” referred to an exceptional bundle of pure displeasure in motion.

Despite their often random differences, almost every human the prince had met had somehow found a way to dislike him, for some unfathomable reason. Probably jealousy, if he had to hazard a guess. The one in question had been the eighth “guest” this year alone, and the trend was still going strong, it seemed. In fact, this one had taken that irrational fussiness to whole new levels.

Endless pranks, name-calling and other such slander had been directed at the prince by this truly unreasonable individual, to the point where some castle staff had taken to calling him “Blueblood’s nemesis”. This was utterly unjustified, as the prince didn’t even respond to the human’s antics. He was far above that petty level and had no time or effort to spare on this scum. Besides, how does one humiliate a creature that possesses no shame? No, he had stayed resolute in his decision to be the better pony, only going so far as loudly and deliberately denouncing the human’s pitiable lack of self control to his beloved and undeniably respected aunts any and every time he got the chance. It was the mature thing to do.

Yet, despite the human’s many, many shortcomings and his detestable attitude, the prince’s current conundrum was only tangentially related to the human’s despicable antics of the recent past.

It was linked, however barely, to the human’s visit of the day, after he had finally passed all the tests and was free to safely return to his world. The one final encounter, hopefully, of both of their respective lifetimes. And it wasn’t so much what the beast did, as what he said, although his actions themselves denoted a glaring lack of education and proper etiquette.

The fair prince was attending a minor social event, gracing some lesser nobles with his glorious presence and being ever-vigilant to note exactly how grateful they were for his immense generosity, when the boorish creature suddenly erupted into the room. Whooping and cheering like some illiterate barbarian, the human made a beeline straight towards the prince, before grabbing him by the horn. Apparently disregarding how inappropriate it was to touch another stallion’s intimacy without consent, as well as the prince’s perfectly dignified protests of “Eww, get your disgusting paws off my perfect horn”, the incredibly rude human then used the appendage as leverage to forcefully bring the perfect pony prince’s perfect visage to his own horrid human hindquarters. After nary but a grunt, the creature then passed a surprisingly large amount of gas, even accounting for how poorly the human digestive tract reacts to an equestrian diet, right into the prince’s face before fleeing.

Had that been the end of that, the prince would have forgotten the event by the hour. Humiliation and slander were hardly new to the upper class, of which he was an exceptional member. He could and would always shrug it off, cover it up, bribe his way out of it or simply create another, bigger scandal to distract everypony from it. It was the standard thing to do amongst the elite, after all. Well, maybe not the flatulence part, but the basic principles still applied.

No, the real problem Prince Blueblood was having in regards to dealing with this incident was a string of five words that kept echoing in his mind, prompted by the very last sentence the human had addressed to him before heading to the portal room, never to return. A five-word question that repeatedly burned through his mind as the human’s last words echoed within and alongside, having done so uninterrupted for the past few hours. A simple question with no simple answer, trying to drive him mad.

The human had turned around in the doorway, a smug smile on his revoltingly flat face, and, in an obvious effort to embarrass him further, had declared to the coughing and sputtering pony prince: “Aw, come on, Blue, I know you liked it!” before erupting in hideous laughter and dashing off.

Ever since that moment, the prince had been entranced by the very simple question that had popped in his mind as he watched the vile creature turn away and vanish from his life.

“Aw, come on, Blue, I know you liked it!

Come on, Blue, I know you liked it!

I know you liked it!

You liked it!”

...How did he know that?

Author's Note:

Yep, there go all my chances of ever fooling the world into thinking of me as a respectable and mature individual...
This is so very stupid.

Comments

[Lord Destrustor]

Trying my hand at comedy. Let's see how painfully it crashes and burns.

[DAT GUY]

That was actually really funny, now I want bluebitch to come to Earth
just to get what he deserves.

[Sinful Pickle]

This is exactly the type of stupid shit that I love.

[Lord Destrustor]

2227623>>2229196>>2235700>>2240297
Ha! Wow, thank you guys, I was honestly expecting a much worse reception than this!

[Hurgusburgus]

NO NO NO NO NO NO BAD THOUGHTS GO AWAY!

[TheAussieBlue]

Fantastic!

[Lord Destrustor]

3075816
Thanks! It was so much fun channeling Blueblood's massively ignorant arrogance to write it.

[TheWraithWriter]

Oh sweet Celestia, he found the keyboard again.

I'm sorry to say this story wasn't one of my favorites. Not to say it's bad of course, the author did a marvelous job writing this and giving us an insite into the mind of our favorite (Ha!) 'noble'. It just didn't tickle me, but like I've stated before, I have no credentials whatsoever.
Favorite Line:

Although he vehemently advocated throwing the whole bunch in anyway and simply wishing them good luck, his –ahem- infinitely wise aunts had insisted on running a battery of tests on every single one to make sure they were safe

Rating:/5
Final Verdict: BlueBlood loves farts is now Cannon!

[Alondro]

I have had terrible gas for some months now...

Time for a trip to Blueblood's!

[Sabban]

[Levite]

wat... wait WAT, WHAT?!
that twist

[Lord Destrustor]

3884673
I take it you were surprised?

[Levite]

3884717 very

[Machival]

Did you have to pad this story out to meet the minimum word limit? Great story, but it feels like it'd be more at home as a smaller piece (perhaps even less than a 1,000 words) that was part of one of those "weird shit the author chucked at the wall" anthologies.

[Lord Destrustor]

4867322
No, I didn't pad this out uselessly.
At least as far as I can remember.

And this being part of an anthology wouldn't be much different anyway, since an anthology of weird shit thrown at the wall would basically only contain this one so far.

[libertydude]

Prince Blueblood must be turning into those San Francisco residents in "South Park".

[Iron Comet]

Prince Blueblood has kinks, one he try's to hide from everybody. And apparently the uncouth, nasty, human made a horrid guess and was oddly right. And all I can say is its hilarious!

[wlam]

This is so very stupid.

Yes.