Chapter 7 (Boast Busters)
Why am I in a Cartoon?
Written by Frake
Chapter 7 (Boast Busters)
Friday morning, two a.m. to be precise and I was getting ready to go to Ponyville, It was some odd holiday and I had an extra day to myself, but before I did that I was going to eat a burger I had just made. Now this wasn't your average, everyday burger, oh no... this was 'the best damn burger you would ever eat and still be alive afterwards' burger.
Let me break it down for you... the bun was a fresh baked cheesy roll, the kind that you find in the bakery of the supermarket... yeah you know that one I'm talking about. Then we have 'open pit' barbeque sauce on the bottom, mayonnaise on the top. I'll build the burger up from the bottom up so you can get an image in your head, first, the bottom bun, then fresh cleaned spinach and a few dill pickles followed by the perfectly cut tomato slices. After this we have the hamburger itself, made from ground London Broil (a rather dry meat, unless you know how you cook it right) which is cooked with soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, balsamic vinegar, red wine, dill, garlic powder, curry powder, black pepper, and a pinch of salt. Melted on top is a slice of blue cheese with bacon after that and then the middle bun. That's right, this is a double decker... as if the best damn burger wouldn't be one, but I digress.
Anyway, we have fried Portobello mushroom slices followed by the second hamburger patty, which has Pepperjack cheese melted on this one. After even more bacon, a few avocado slices and a few onion rings, we top it off with the last bun to complete this God of burgers. It is by far my favorite burger to make and eat, with a prep and cook time of about an hour, give or take, but I only have one every now and then... because of how fatty it is (wouldn't want to have a heart attack now, would I).
I bet you're asking "James, why would you describe how to make this wonderful burger too me? This has absolutely nothing to do with ponies and that is the only reason I came here." Well, shut your stupid face, I'm getting to that part, you impatient bastard... I mean, how rude can you get?
So as I was saying, I was just about to eat my burger while I watched some T.V. when I noticed something terrifying on my screen. Instead of animal planet, which I had left it on when I left the room, it was just a picture of Pinkie Pie, smiling like the Cheshire cat. For anyone that doesn't get why this is terrifying, well, come on, for one thing, she definitely shouldn't have been on my T.V. at that point in time and for another, her eyes were following me around the room. I decided to set my food down on my table and find out what the hell was going on, which wasn't easy when I didn't want to get any closer to the screen, so very cautiously I asked,
"Pinkie... is that you?" Her head nodded vigorously before she answered,
"Hi Jamie, guess what? I figured out how to travel to your world, all it took was for you to show me the way. Now I can come here whenever I want and visit my favorite human in the whole wide world, well that is after I pass through this final wall." with that said, she immediately started to press forward with her hoof and my screen seemed to bend outward, as if it was plastic wrap. My mind went in to panic mode as I imagined the walls of reality breaking down and a black hole tearing in to existence from where Pinkie exerted her mind bending abilities. I opened my mouth to scream in gut wrenching fear, but I didn't get the chance because Pinkie pushing her way through right then and it was as if she was pulling herself out of a pool of water, all the while, going from a 2D cartoon character, to a 3D, well defined, pink pony alien within seconds. I slowly calmed down before sighing in relief and said,
"Oh thank God, no universal shattering today, thank you very much...wait a minute. Pinkie! How in the hell did you do that?!" Pinkie just giggled for a few seconds before finally responding,
"Well you see, when you showed me that portal thingy, I was able to figure out where it was located and was just a matter of time before I was able to reopen it up with my hooves, just like my Pinkie portals. I found out one day that all of reality is just an illusion and all we have to do to is think beyond the limitations set in place by those on higher planes. Reality is in fact just a lump of hardened cheese and..." I shoved me hand over Pinkie's mouth and shouted,
"Enough, no more, I get it... but for a future reference, never tell anyone else about how you do what you can to do. They might just throw you on to a funny farm and nobody needs that, especially the guys running the place. Now, I am going to forget about what you just told me, watch my television and eat my burger." Pinkie's ears perked up and she immediately focused on my burger, before she rushed over and stared at it with hunger in her eyes. I felt rather uneasy as Pinkie eye raped my burger before she asked,
"Mmmm, that looks really yummy, can I have a bite?"
"Oh geez Pinkie, that is a really bad id..." Before I could complete sentence, Pinkie interrupted me and said,
"Oh thank you James, I didn't eat breakfast this morning and this smells really good." And with that she took my burger and took a big bite out of it, crewing happily for a few seconds, before slowing to a crawl. Her eyes opened as wide as I had ever seen then and her pupils shrunk down to pin points as a large blush spread over her cheeks. She swallowed the bite and a saucy grin graced her lips before she mauled the rest of my burger, making noises that sounded vaguely like a lion. After she finished eating, she sat back on my couch, all the while her eyes rolled back in to her head and her tongue lulled out of her mouth with the smile still on her lips. I could clearly hear contented noises escape her as she twitched sporadically. A single tear left my eye as I mourned my burger, but I had larger things to worry about.
"Pinkie, umm, I really don't know how to tell you this, but that had a large amount of meat in it." I slowly said as I backed away, while waiting for a extreme freakout, which never came. What did happen was very strange, Pinkie seemed to come out of her comma like state and had a very confused look on her face, just sitting for several seconds. Then her face flashed through a huge number of expressions in this order: disgust, fear, guilt, self-loathing, wonderment, guilty pleasure, want, hunger, conflict and then finally acceptance. Slowly she looked up at me and then said,
"Can I have another one?" A large frown graced my face before I responded,
"What!? No, you can't have another one!" Pinkie then gave her best pout and continued,
"Why not? That was one of the most yummy things I have ever eaten and I have eaten a lot of things." I facepalmed and returned,
"Well for one thing, I have no idea what the meat would do to a herbivore's body and for another this meat came from a pig and a cow. It would scar your little pony brain, just in knowing that you were willingly eating another animal, not forgoing the burger you just ate. Also, it took me about an hour to make that burger and I was going to eat it, until you decided to go all crazy and ignore me." She crossed her hooves over her chest, still pouting and said,
"I'm sorry I ate your food, but I honestly don't care about any of that other stuff. I want another one!" I sighed and responded,
"Alright fine, I'll make you a deal, if you can help cook the meat without being grossed out I'll do it, but if you fail, no burger for you." She nodded eagerly and ran in to the kitchen with me, all the while humming happily, but I was sure to change that right quickly. I pulled out the hamburger meat and started my lecture,
"Alright, to begin with, this is made from ground up cow, I'm not sure what part, but it is probably off of the leg or something like that. I'm going to need you to smell the meat to make sure if it is still fresh, it it smells sour then it has gone bad." Pinkie gave a grimace and started to sweat, but she did as I asked, slowly taking a big whiff. Her face started to turn a slight shade of green but she continued and told me that it didn't smell sour. I then continued my instructions,
"Alright I'm going to need you to wash your hooves and then we can form the patties." She did as I asked and then joined me at the counter.
"Alright, take a wade of meat, about this much." I held up some meat, "and kneed it until it all sticks together, once this is done, flatten it out until it resembles a pancake." Pinkie's face continued to get greener as she went, but she refused to quit, it almost made me want to just make her the burger, almost. Once we were done with the patties, I moved on to the bacon and said,
"This is bacon, it is from a pig's flank, as you can see it has a good distribution of muscle and fat, we cook this first because it creates a lot of greases to cook the hamburgers in." At this point pinkie's face had the shading of a watermelon as she slowly backed away before admitting defeat, thank God too because I did not want to be the guy that gave birth to a meat eating breed of ponies (ever heard of "The horses of Diomedes"? didn't really turn out so well for him). I told her to wait in the living room and continued to make my burger, luckily I still had a lot of left overs and was able to make two more burgers in just twenty minutes. I pulled out the second burger and placed it before Pinkie and said,
"I respect how dedicated you were and I decided to make you burger after all. This one is guilt free, as in no meat, I replaced the patties with whole, fried, Portobello mushrooms, but sadly no bacon." She smiled up at me and returned,
"That is super sweet of you James, but I don't think I could eat anything right now. I think I'll save it for later." then she grabbed it and shoved it in to her hair, as if it made any sort of sense. I shrugged it off and ate my burger, all the while Pinkie kept glancing over at my meal, as if it was incredibly interesting. 'I hope this whole meat eating thing doesn't become a big stupid ordeal, well, here is to hoping.' I thought as I finally finished and got ready to go.
"Pinkie I'm going to go to Ponyville now and I'm guessing you would like to hang out, so would you like to join me?" She nodded happily and said,
"Let's do it." So I grabbed my remote and away we went.
We landed in Twilight's library of all places and what we found was rather hilarious. Laying on the ground was a severely surprised Twilight, but this wasn't the funny part, no, what was funny was the baby dragon that was sporting a big black mustache. This was the kind of mustache that you would find on either a 1970's porn star, an evil cartoon villain from the eighties, or a stereotypical Italian man. I tried valiantly to stop the laughter, but it came none the less and I was soon rolling around on the ground laughing my ass off, along with Pinkie who also found it rather funny. Spike gave me a deadpan look, but this just made it more fantastic, I mean it was a small bipedal dragon with a Mario stash, but then I came up with a great idea.
"Ahahahahaha, oh God, my ribs, ha ha ha, 'giggle snort', ha ha... oh oh man wait right here, I'll be right back." and with that I teleported back to my house. Everyone looked at each other in confusion as they waited for me to return and after a minute I did just that. In my hand was a certain hat that I owned, I'll give you a hint, it was red and had a big "M" on the front (yeah that's right, I'm a big nerd, what of it?)
I walked up to Spike and dropped the hat on his head before bursting back in to a giggle fit, all the while everyone else looked on with confusion. After my laughter wore down, I asked,
"Ha.... ha.... oh boy, Spike, can you do something for me? Say, 'It'sa me a Mario!', that would just make my day, maybe even my whole week." He was still confused, but he decided to do as I asked and he said,
"Umm, It'sa me a Mario?"
I nearly died right then and there as all the air left my my body in great peals of laughter once again, but I finally regained my composure, that is, before I took a picture with my phone.
Once I was able to calm down and breathe, I noticed all the strange looks I was receiving, so I decided to explain.
"He looked a lot like a very famous plumber on my planet and with the hat it completed the look. The line I had Spike say was basically this guy's catch phrase, So yeah, you would just have to see what I'm talking about to fully get it." They all accepted this and let it go, meanwhile Twilight began to talk.
"Well as interesting as this all was, me a Spike were just about to go buy some quills, so umm... get out." I waited for some sort of punch line, but one never came, so I finally said,
"Wait, you're not joking? We have to leave the public library because you aren't here? What gives?" Twilight just responded,
"The rules are the rules and they state that the library can't be occupied by anypony if a staff member isn't present, so as I said, get out." I rolled my my eyes, but complied as I exited the premise, or in layman terms, I left.
As I walked down the street, listening to the chatter from the ponies and Spike, (oddly enough we were all headed in the same direction) I heard a warning called out to move out of the way, but sadly I wasn't fast enough. I saw an orange and blue blur rushing towards me, followed by me flying in to the air and smacking in to the ground face first. I awoke several minutes later to find little birds flying around my head, which provoked my response,
"Ha ha, look at all the pretty little birdies.... hello little guys." I continued to gaze with a daze, as I tried to lift my lofty haze, but alas I was stuck within the sticky glaze of my mental maze. I wasn't fazed by my rhyming craze, really I was just a little amazed (did I mention that I struck my head?). Suddenly I felt a hoof strike me as everything got a lot clearer and the little birds flew away, allowing me to focus on the concerned group looking down on me.
"Oh man, what happened? I feel like someone hit me in the head with a frying pan." Two little colts walked up with sheepish looks upon there faces, before the fat one spoke up,
"Sorry mister monster, I'm snips and that is snails and we were the ones that ran in to you... we really didn't mean to, honest." I sighed in exacerbation when I saw my reflection in a window pane, A huge red welt was visible right in the middle of my forehead, but I forgave them anyway.
"It's okay, just next time stop before you ram in to anyone else." Snips nodded furiously and I swear I could hear the sound of a single bean rattling around inside a tin can (that is some weird shit, by the way). then he said,
"We were just about to go see the great and powerful Trixie, she has the greatest magic in all of Equestria and is preforming for Ponyville." I just shrugged and returned,
"Okay, be careful." and with that we all continue to walk the same way as the colts. I start to wonder why a magician would be that big a deal when the whole world is full of magic, but then I figure that this 'Trixie' must be some sort of performer. As I finish my musings I find that the group I am with has been discussing something without me, 'Oh well, they were probably talking about the same thing as I was thinking about' I thought as we all seemed to gravitate towards a stage with a blue unicorn on it. She started to boast about how great she was, how great her magic was and all that jazz, but I wasn't really perturbed by this, however my friends on the other hand, started to complain loudly.
Meanwhile, Spike had walked up to Rarity, but something was very different about him (besides the sweet mustache), for he now had on a full suit of mushroom kingdom apparel. Yes, that's right, he somehow had managed to find the rest of the Mario costume and it confused me to no end because I had absolutely no idea where he got it. This however wasn't the strangest part for then he started to talk,
"Heya Rarity, It'sa me a mari- I mean Spike...uhhh that's odd, anyways, I wasa thinkin that we shoulda go backca to my place and I'll showa you this magic mushroom I a found, It makesa you grow mucha bigger, if you know what I mean." He said this while wiggling his eyebrows and Rarity blanched before asking,
"Oh Spike dear, are you feeling alright? You definitely don't sound like yourself and I don't think I have ever seen you wear these clothes before." Spike just smiled and responded,
"I feel great, thanksa for askin, so asa I was sayin, do you want to- Holy fire flowers! Isa that a Goomba?! Don't worry Rarity, I'lla takea care of this!" he said while pointing in a direction that clearly didn't contain any Goomba and then he Jumped away while making a bonging sound. I watched him go and I thought,
'Well crap, that can't be any good, maybe I should go after him? Naa, my best bet is to ignore it and pretend that I didn't give him that hat.' I quickly looked around to see if anyone else saw Spike's weird behavior, but luckily no one did, then I looked at Rarity and she just shrugged it off (I guess that when you live in such a crazy town, nothing really phases you any more, just like New Yorkers) so I refocused on the blue unicorn.
She started to call out the nay Sayers (oh God the horse puns) and all my new friends fell for her taunts, hook, line and sinker. You would think they would see the obvious ploy to use them as a stage props, but as I was starting to see, ponies aren't very perceptive. Rainbow Dash tried first and got trumped by Trixie, followed by Applejack and then Rarity, which soon found me respecting her ability to use anyone's talents against themselves. I wasn't even put off by her boasting for she was proving that she could back up her talk by showing some real skill, maybe not the greatest magic wielder on the planet but still, respectable. This however all stopped when she called me out, saying,
"How about you, the hairless monkey, have you what it takes to show up the brilliance that is Trixie?" I smirked and returned,
"Don't try to turn me in to a pawn for your show, I can see that you have been doing this for however long and I know you would just use my skills against me, then say something mildly witty. Oh and I'm a human, not a monkey." This brought a large frown to her face, before she slowly smirked back at me evilly and said,
"Oh Trixie sees, the Monkey thinks he's civilized like use pony folk, how cute, maybe if Trixie plays some music and throws down some peanuts he will do a little dance." I rolled my eyes and spoke so everyone could hear me,
"Why does everyone on this planet assume that comparing me to a monkey is a good insult, seriously, you don't see me comparing you all to horses, which is obviously closely related to your species..." This got me a few boo's, but I continued
"Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to resort to such speciesism, but I would prefer the same curtsey, I mean I'm a part of an advanced society for God's sake. Now, if you are really going to resort to such low blow to try and get me to compete, than I guess it really means a lot to you and I will comply." I continued to grin as Trixie frowned even harder at my comment, but she was pretty much asking for it.
I jumped on to the stage and thought for a few seconds about what I wanted to do and then snapped my fingers when I had it and asked,
"Trixie, your a performer right? As such, would you happen to have a sharpened sword?" she nodded and rushed behind the curtain, before returning with a sword of average length and grabbed it out of her magic hold. I decided to put on my own show for the crowed and bellowed,
"Mares and Stallions, creatures of all size, shape and form, let me thrill you with a feat of dexterity and skill that very few hold and even fewer survive. I have been practicing this talent for many years now and would strongly advise that no one attempt to do what I am about to do. Now without further adieu, let me wow you all with the art of the sword dance."
Perhaps I should explain, my interest in swords was never about learning about how to kill someone or proper stances, no, what I specialize in was more of a side show attraction. on my 12th birthday I was given a wooden sword as a present from my brother, his mindset was that we would learn to be great swordsmen by practicing with each other (he bought one for himself as well). Well after a few weeks, he got bored with it and quit, but I still really enjoyed practicing with it and so, I continued on every day by just learning by trial and error. The first few months were pretty rough and at I got my fare share of lumps, but after a while I was swinging my wooden sword around like it was apart of my own arm.
Years past and I continued to practice every day, until one day when I was sixteen, I decided to purchase a real sword and see what I could do. I practiced out in the parking lot of the pawn shop I bought it in and got so caught up in my training that I didn't notice the small crowed that had gathered around me to watch. Instead of getting in trouble for being underage and buying a weapon, I had people cheering me on. Turns out that lots of people would pay good money to watch what I could do and I soon started performing on the streets for money. I made enough money to buy a car with that cash flow and the best part was that I was never caught for preforming on the street without a license, which I later found out about. Long story short, I had a whole lot more experience with preforming for a crowed and Trixie was about to find out how well I could flow with the punches.
I started nice and slow, with a few vertical and horizontal slashes and started to gain momentum little by little. I heard snickering from the crowed, as well as a good amount from Trixie about my lack luster performance, but that soon stopped when my weapon started to whip around my body in complex patterns. Faster and faster I went, past my shoulder, behind my neck, around my torso, even between my legs and a growing whistle of the steel blade could be heard. I started to move my body in to different poses and soon the dance could be seen as I moved across the stage, tearing and rending the enemies in my mind. To say that I had every ones undivided attention would be an understatement, for I could see that every eye was bugging out of the simple towns folks heads and I smirked devilishly, before continuing.
Soon I was at my maximum speed and the blade resembled a flashing blur of metal as I approached my finally. When I reached center stage, all my muscles tensed and I flung the sword straight up, sending it spinning at a terrifying speed, which was followed by the wait. Ten seconds later and I could finally see the blade coming back with a vengeance, so I readied my body and just let my muscle memory take over, waiting till the very last second to flick out my hand and snatch the weapon right out of the air. Without missing a beat, I ducked down and whipped the blade around with my body, before popping back up and pointing it straight at the crowd.
I waited for several seconds, but the crowd remained deathly quite, and I was just about to speak when they erupted in to a roaring din, so I guessed they liked it. I turned around to face Trixie and she looked completely flustered,(James used Sword Dance, It's super effective!) so I said,
"Now then, I think I have proven that I can do something that you can't, so maybe you should change your performance methods, I mean no one likes to be made to look like a fool, as you can plainly see." Trixie was blushing while scowling at me, but before she could say something spiteful, I continued,
"Don't get me wrong, I think you have great talent, but that doesn't mean you should rub every ones noses in it. I think that you have enough skill that you shouldn't need to resort to that, instead, maybe you should try some sort of other approach." A thoughtful look appeared upon her face and I thought she was going to apologize, but then she took a one eighty degree turn and said,
"What do you think this is, some sort of cartoon from the funny pages that resolves everything in a day, leaving everypony with a warm fuzzy feeling? Get real bub, the great and powerful Trixie changes for no pony, especially one who likes to play with big swords all day, overcompensation much? You just return to your simple dirt ridden life and Trixie will figure out a stunt to show you just how great Trixie really is." I was too stunned to even make words as Trixie pulled a sign on to stage that read 'closed for the day' and then she angrily walked back in to her wagon, slamming her door with a huge amount of force.
'What the hell just happened? WAIT! DID SHE JUST IN INSINUATE I HAD A SMALL PENIS?! THAT BITCH! Alright if that's the way she wants to play it then fine.' I thought. I walked off the stage and was mobbed by my pony friends, who immediately started to gush over how I showed up Trixie, except for Twilight, who looked very unsure. I was going to comment on it, but then Pinkie pulled me away and said,
"Enough of all that, it's Pinkie Pie time, so what will it be? Baking at the Sugar Cube Corner, swimming at the local pond, creating a random song that we sing in tandem for no real reason? Or maybe... oh oh oh, I know, lets go sky diving!" I blanched and responded,
"Baking!! Uhh... I mean that baking seems like fun to me." Pinkie just grinned and responded,
"Okey Dokey Lokey." (crises averted)
A few hours later
I had just finished baking with Pinkie and I found it pretty fun, well except for the fact that she kept grinding up against me, which was a little odd, but it was still fun. None the less, it was night time and I was a little amazed, for I had just noticed the sky for the first time and my God was it impressive. Have you ever seen the sky without absolutely no light pollution, If you have then you know it is an incredible site, now combine that with what only the most imaginative artists can come up with when painting the night sky and you would have a close facsimile to what it looked like.
"Damn, I keep forgetting that this place has God like Princesses that can move the very heavens, and that just reminds me that one of them is trying to get in to my pants 'shutter'. Anyway I suppose that I should congratulate Luna on a job well done the next time I see her." I was still pondering until something gained my attention, It was a low rumbling noise that continually got louder and soon it became more defined. It started to sound like some huge, terrifying, four legged creature and even though I felt some apprehension, I still wandered closer in the direction it was coming from.
"My God, It's full of stars." I whispered as the creature came in to view, a bear of massive size came pounding out of the forest, but what really struck me was that it was translucent and as I had said 'full of stars'.
"Freaking magic! Oh yeah, lets make a bear out of the cosmos, that's a great idea... 'sigh' Whelp. were all screwed." I said as the monstrosity let out a earth shaking roar in his fury. I started to run the way I had come and two foals ran up besides me, so I asked,
"What happened?!" They grinned back and Snips said,
"We lured an Ursa out of the forest so that Trixie could vanquish it!"
"YOU WHAT!" I facepalmed and continued speaking, "How two sentient creatures have survived this long in life, when they are dumb enough to do something like this is beyond me." They both looked on with confusion at my comment, but they continued running until we reached Trixies caravan. They pounded on her door and when she answered they told her about what they did, oddly enough she had the same reaction as I did. Then the great bear reared him gigantic head and the colts being the idiots that they were, goaded Trixie in to taking on the beast by reminding her that she had taken one on before. I watched as she tried all her stage tricks and failed miserably, before I yelled out,
"Forget trying to subdue it and It doesn't matter If you were lieing about vanquishing one, your life means a whole lot more then you can image!" This may not have been the best choice of words, for a look of rage appeared on her face before she responded,
"Trixie will show you, you big jerk, she can do anything she says she can, Trixie will show you!" She then proceeded to cast a massive thunderhead that struck the bear with a giant bolt, making it roar out in pain and things looked like they might work out, that is until the bear recovered. With a quick angry swipe, the bear smashed Trixie in to a her cart, crushing it in to little bits.
"TRIXIE! Oh crap oh crap.... No keep calm James, now what should we do? ....Ahh ha! You two run and get help, I'm going to save Trixie." The colts didn't even respond before running off at full speed and I ran over to Trixie, luckily she was just unconscious and not dead, but there was still the matter of a giant bear to deal with. I picked up Trixie and turned around to find myself face to face with the behemoth, so I did the one thing I could think of, I ran like the devil was on my tail. As I booked it the bear roared out in rage for having his pray stolen from him and then he started bounding after me. I had made some real headway, but it wasn't enough because he soon caught up to me and I found myself trapped against a wall with no way out.
Out of nowhere I heard something that I was vaguely familiar with and Spike came flying off of one of the surrounding buildings with a giant hammer in his claws, swinging away.
"No fucking way." I mouthed as Spike proceeded to deal out an ass whooping, Mario style, and things were once again looking up until the music stopped and the hammer disappeared, leaving Spike sitting on top of the dazed bears head. The bear got back up and swiped Spike off of his head, leading to Spike screaming out,
"A waa waa waa waa!" before he hit the ground, unconscious as well, so now we really were screwed, that is until a purple powerhouse performed some potent pony pyrotechnics (ha). That's right, Twilight saved our asses and she did it with some freaking amazing magic ability, meanwhile Trixie had woken up in my arms and saw the magic supremacy as well, but she was too flabbergasted to comment. Once Twilight finished floating the bear in to the forest, she noticed Spike knocked out on the ground and rushed over to him. after completely examining him, she said,
"He appears to be fine, just unconscious, but what I can seem to figure out is why he is wearing all these clothes." I sheepishly responded,
"Uh, I think that might have something to do with the hat I gave him, for some reason he seemed to become the character it is made from." She frowned before examining Spike with her magic and a minute later she gasped in surprise, to which I asked what she had found.
"Your hat has magic from your world and when I cast my mustache spell the two magics combined to make Spike act like this Mario guy." I looked at her like she was high as a kite and responded,
"Bitch you crazy"................. okay not really, but what I did say was,
"So wait, the crappy hat that I bought at a thrift store around Halloween has magic properties? You have got to be pulling my leg." She shook her head and said,
"No really, most magic is very attached to the thoughts and memories of those around it and when that hat was created to look like the hat of this Mario person, the natural magic contained within took on the new properties that the memories placed upon it. Plus when I put my spell on Spike, the inactive magic became active and changed in to what it became, easy as that." I sighed and just said,
"Freaking magic. Well, how do we remove the magic?" She grinned and responded,
"Simple, we just remove the catalyst spell and everything will reverse, just like so." With that said she removed Spikes mustache and before my eyes his clothes disintegrate, just leaving the hat, which I quickly removed. With that done, Twilight started to freak out about how we all saw her, now that she had shown off like Trixie, but I just started to laugh and said,
"What the heck are you even talking about Twilight, what you did was impressive, but you weren't showing off, hell I wouldn't mind if you did. No, what you did was save the city like a freaking super hero." Everyone else added there own supportive statements and at the end Twilight had a big happy smile, knowing that we didn't hate her (that silly unicorn). Just then Spike awoke and said,
"Hey everypony, what's going on and why am I lying on the ground?" Twilight rushed over and gave him a big hug, but I had to confirm something so I asked,
"Spike what do you remember of the past day?" He put on a thoughtful look before answering,
"I was in the library with Twilight and you, then you put that hat on my head and told to say...... something, I forget, and then nothing."
'Well that's probably for the best' I thought as I slowly started to remember the pony in my arms and it was at this time that I noticed that I was petting her like a big cat. She however didn't seem to mind that so much and was making a contented sighing noise, it even seemed to resemble purring. I giggled and asked,
"So are you feeling better now Trixie?" She immediately froze and a large blush spread across her face, before she bounded out of my arms in a rush, while saying,
"Trixie was not enjoying your stroking at all, she was just in a daze from all that has happened tonight!" I grinned and said,
"Did I mention stroking you? I don't seem to remember that, I just wanted to know if you were feeling better." For her part, Trixie really did hold back her emotions quite well and I could barely see the extra blush that was brought to her face.
"Oh... Trixie feels just fine, maybe a little bruised, but nothing a good nights sleep couldn't take care of." She then slowly started to frown as she remembered that her home was destroyed and I realized this as well.
"Where will Trixie sleep now that her home is destroyed, Trixie is ruined 'sniff'...ruined" I have never been able to stand a crying woman, it makes me die a little inside, and so I decided to do something to help her.
"Awww, don't worry Trixie, I'll help rebuild your caravan as well as the two fools that started this mess, won't you two?" Snips and Snails both nodded and I continued,
"And I'm sure that Twilight wouldn't mind having you stay in her home for a few days." Twilight smiled and said,
"Sure, everypony needs a little help every now and then." Trixie looked like she was going to cry, but then she thrust her nose in to the air and responded,
"Trixie is to good to accept handouts from those that make her look bad, go try your charity plea with somepony else." Suddenly something inside of me snapped and I roared out in pure rage, before screaming,
"Listen here you stuck up prissy little pain in the ass, I'm not offering you anything, I'm telling you what is going to happen! So, we are going to fix your cart, you are going to stay at Twilight's house and afterwords you are going to tell us all how grateful you are! GOT IT!?" Trixie was cowering on the ground before me at this point and she looked up at me with teary eye before nodding her agreement. After this I looked around and saw that most of the ponies were looking at me with a small amount of fear, which snapped me out of my anger. I rubbed the back of my head with a large blush on my face before saying,
"Uhh, sorry everyone, I didn't mean to freak out like that, I just kind of lost it for a second there." Luckily Pinkie had my back and defused the situation for me by jumping forward and tackling me in a big hug, while saying,
"It's okay James, some ponies just need to be yelled at to make them see the error of there ways." The other ponies in the crowd nodded at Pinkies wisdom and everything seemed to be turn out for the best.
"Thanks Pinkie, you're a life saver." I said and she responded,
"Anything for you James." while squeezing me tighter, so I chuckled nervously and said,
"Uhh, right." All the while I thought 'I'm gonna have to deal with this infatuation she has for me soon, but not today.' So I just smile and returned the hug.
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Loved the new chapter it was definitely worth the wait :D cant wait for the next one!
Oh fucking finally its out and I loved woooooooo
Spike... Hammertime
Awesome chapter ^^ it made my day! I guess that you're a fan of Mario and Pokemon games, am I right?
Can't wait for Dragonshy ^^ Sure I'll enjoy it as well as this one
Oh my lord! Do you realise how long its going to take me to repair the 4th wall because of the events that transpired here!?
Although, it was quite entertaining watching these events unfold.
Super Mario: Spike Edition. Hehehe
Omg, please tell me he has a horned helmet from skyrim to give to flutters. It would be funny as hell to have her make a lusty argonian maid reference.
Speaking of references, nice touch with the full of stars thing. That was from 2014 or something like that right?
2529210
Oh don't bother fixing it. We'll just break it again.
2529646
I'm starting to believe that myself. One can only do so much with a Tardis. But up against a one Pinkie Pie, all attemps seem futile.
OMG pinkie ate a burger a meat burger i sense CUPCAKES in the near future the horror the horror!!!!!
That's some badass referencing right there epic chapter for an epic writer
DAYUM SON!
That be a Giga-Burg
Pinkie, I am extremely disappointed with you, you like to spread smiles but only put frowns upon carnivores and omnivores alike(just like Gilda), I am extremely, verily, undeniably disappointed in you...and you have the greed to boot. (But you made up for it and that is respectable, [I can never stay mad at my favorite Pony :D])
Dat Trixie moment....
Loved this!! As for the fourth wall... leave it, Pinkie will just break it again.
So....basically Pinkie had a "wingboner" because of eating big tasty burger. Nice.
I found Pinks a date; [youtube=mW2ahrfXQu4]
<"GIVE ME BACON!")
Bacon! Bacon makes EVERYTHING better! She will come into his room at night someday soon, jonesin' for bacon...
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjRmMWNkMTkxOTQ1YjcwMzRlYTAwMDAwMSJdXQ/1547__safe_pinkie-pie_pumpkin-cake_pound-cake_artist-mysticalpha_oinkie-pie.jpg
Since this is supposed to be before a certain trollfic was written. I can guess someone will be most unhappy to find "cupcakes" when it is...
Oh god, the way you described that Mega-Burger (oh god, I'm hungry for that now), made me think of this:
Also, that Mario reference...
2979115 lol, that's an awesome song... goes great with this chapter. Num num num
That burger... Didn't actually sound that good... I mean tomatoes... Tomatoes don't work with anything.
- Whelp. we're all screwed.
- how to cook
- Spike and I
-use them as stage props
- with absolutely no light pollution
- Trixie's
- Comedic effect? If so it worked, if not then I suggest 'his'/'its', considering the gender is undefined
- you can imagine
- is too good
"
And he isn't going to tell her that the cows in his world are not sapient?
So Spike doesn't mind getting dressed up as a plumber? Well, he probably had to do plumbing in his life before, the poor little buddy. Twilight and her child labor!
That's just ingenious! This should have happened in the actual show!
So you bring her back to your home to live there with you? *hopeful look*
Aww! Party pooper!
Nice reference!
Entire time Mario but then throwing a little bit of Donkey Kong in there I would have laughed so hard if I have to repeating me ever loving crap out of that Urza minor he just held up the giant hammer and said "Mario's number one"