Chapter 6 (Griffon the Brush off)
Why am I in a Cartoon?
Written by Frake
Chapter 6 (Griffon the Brush off)
Nothing really interesting happened during the week, I went to my job and weekly college classes, Cooked some food, swung a sword around as a form of exercise (it really is invigorating, as long as you don't take off a limb), all in all, just sort of meh. I did have a conversation with my mom about whether or not she could come and visit Equestria, but we agreed that it was just to dangerous, however I did agreed to bring over ponies every now and then, she was quite happy about that. So life went on, until Friday rolled along and as soon as work ended I decided I would visit Ponyville, I was excited. When I got there I lost some of my excitement, for I had landed in front of Twilight's door once again and Sunday still left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I slowly tried to inch my way away from the door when it opened wide and out stepped Twilight,
"James! You are just the human I was looking for, I was hoping get some samples, maybe do a few experiments, I mean, it's not every day you get to examine a completely unknown species." I cringed and said,
"didn't I give you enough info on Sunday?" Twilight shook her head furiously and returned,
"That was just general knowledge, I'm talking about an in depth study, oh come on, it will be super fun." I backed away some more while stating,
"umm, no, I can't right now, or ever, I have a fear of being dissected by purple unicorns, so sorry Twilight." Such a sad look crossed Twilight's face that I was forced to look away and every time I looked back it was like someone was hitting me with a frying pan.
"Oh come on Twilight, don't do that, I already told you I don't want to, there is no reason to pout........ please don't do that, I know you were looking forward to this but I, I, I......... ARRRGG, alright fine, but we are only going to do this for a little while, understand?" A bright and sparkly smile graced her face and I swear I heard a squeeing noise, but I was too busy being terrified, for I had no idea what she wanted to do to me. It started out simple enough, first she took a clipping of my hair and swabbed the inside of my mouth with a cotton swab, but then she wanted a sample of my blood, which I wasn't to fond of. When she asked me to give her a urine and fecal matter sample, I protested quite loudly, but in the end she got what she wanted, however I did draw the line when she asked me for a sample of my semen.
"There is no way in hell you are getting a cup of my sperm Twilight, I wanted to draw the line at the last one in fact, but there ain't no way this is going down." Twilight whined at me and gave me her very best sad face before responding,
"But James, I need this to properly classify your species, It shouldn't take more than a few minutes anyway, Please!" I stomped my foot and said,
"No way, no how, I mean, didn't we already have this conversation on Sunday?" Twilight looked indignant and argued,
"I'm not trying to seduce you, I just want a cup of your semen." I gave a deadpan look and continued,
"I don't know, it sounds pretty seductive, are you sure you aren't just trying to get in to my pants?" Twilight had the decency to blush, but responded,
"Well, I am going to need you to take off all your cloths so that I can get clear pictures of what your kind look like, but this is all just for science, I swear."
"That's it, were done." and with that I started to walk towards the door until twilight screamed out,
"Wait! please don't go...... I guess we can hold off on the semen sample, but can we at least get the full body pictures?" I shook my head and said,
"I'm not taking off my cloths, we can take photos of me, but you are not getting any picks of me nude, I'm just not that type of guy. I can however get you a print out of both male and female humans in the buff back on my world, deal?" Twilight sighed, but said, "deal" and everything calmed down. After the photos, which wasn't in the nude (thank goodness), we went down in to the basement and Twilight strapped me in to a weird machine, but before that happened I asked,
"Okay, two things, One, no funny business, I know you can control yourself, but I don't want to wake up tomorrow with an ear tag, striped to nothing and wondering why my butt hurts so much. And number two, what does this machine do?" Twilight smirked at my little joke and said,
" Well first off It measures your blood pressure and magic levels, followed by taking a brain scan and full body scan as well. It will examine your muscle capability, body durability, and the strength of your bones." I gave the machine a once over and said,
"Wow, it doesn't look that complicated and I thought you said that your level of technology wasn't that advanced." She smiled at this and responded,
"It's not, It really doesn't do that much, it is the magic parts that do most of the work." I laughed and said,
"Pff, magic, I should have guessed." Twilight raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment and turned on the machine. After a lot of buzzing and flashing lights the machine shut down and I was free to move around, meanwhile Twilight looked over the papers coming out. She slowly started to frown and it grew ever deeper, until she shouted,
"This isn't possible, you have absolutely no magical energy.... you shouldn't even be alive without a magical pulse. I mean magic is what helps the spark of life, it allows the body to heal at amazing rates, it even gives the ability for species like the Manticore and Cockatrice to exist." It was my turn to smile and I responded,
"Yeah, well humans don't have any form of magic, we have ancient legends about it, but no real evidence of it really existing. Hell, I freaked out pretty bad when I figured out that magic was real here, among other things." Twilight continued to frown and said,
"How can this be? Magic permeates the very air and soil of this world, and for you to be void of it, well it goes against nature and understanding." I gave another deadpan look and said,
"I'm an alien from another reality, remember?" she responded,
"Yes, however I could feel the magic on your planet, it was alien and much more violent, but it was still their." My eyes opened wide with shock and I asked,
"Wait, really? Then how is that possible?" Twilight sighed and said,
"I have no idea, but I intend to find out, no matter how long it takes." With that said we went back upstairs and Twilight started experimenting with beakers and unknown liquids, all the while completely ignoring me. I was fine with this and sat back, knowing that I was no longer what Twilight was focused on. This allowed my mind to wander and I found a certain pink pony creeping in to the library, I also found it humorous that Twilight didn't even see her, even though she was very visible, but I guess ponies just aren't very perceptive. I waved at Pinkie and said,
"Hi Pinkie, how's it going?" Pinkie stopped creeping and looked up with a surprised look, but once she saw me she smiled a mile wide and responded,
"Oh, hey Jamesy Wamesy, me and Dashie are pulling a prank on Twilight, it's going to be super duper funny." I smiled at this and returned,
"Ahh, alright then, good luck with that." all of this seemed to go unnoticed by Twilight, as if she couldn't hear us just a few feet away, but whatever. Pinkie switched out a bowl of ink with something that I was pretty sure was disappearing ink, she then ran outside and watched from the window with an excited Rainbow Dash. I continued to watch as Twilight proceeded to fall for the prank, leading to one of her experiments exploding, but oddly enough she took it in stride. I could see and hear the pranksters laughing like it was the funniest thing on the planet, then they ran off still giggling. I looked over at Twilight and asked,
"Hey Twilight, I'm going to go and see what someone else is up to, is that okay with you?" Twilight looked up from her experiment with little interest and said,
"huu, what? oh, yeah, go ahead, whatever." I nodded and walked out the door, passing a hiccuping Spike as I walked down the road. I thought about who I should go see among my limited group of friends, I choose Fluttershy. I walked for a few minutes, all the while ponies either ran away or just gave me the stink eye, which was an upgrade from having the entire town flee in terror, I guess my PR was getting better. When I got to Fluttershy's place, I noticed that she was outside feeding a multitude of animals, all the while singing to them like she was a Disney princess. As I got closer the animals alerted her to my presence, making her blush in embarrassment at being seen singing, but she put on a smile and waved to me. I gave a devious smile and said,
"My, my Fluttershy, not only are you supremely kindhearted, cute as cute can be and beautiful to boot, but you can sing like a nightingale as well. You better watch out or stallions might burst down your door just trying to get you to marry them." If her face was red before, it was practically on fire now, as she hide her face behind her hair, but still smiling it seemed, at my flirtatious attitude. 'Operation: make Fluttershy blush like a schoolgirl, successful' I thought as I walked the rest of the way over. What really amazed me was the fact that the animals gathered around weren't afraid of me, in fact they seemed to crowed around my feet and a few of them scurried up my legs. Now, I am sure that most people would find this terrifying, but I have never been afraid of animals (even when it was a good idea to be afraid) and I enjoyed this display of playful critters. With a squirrel in my open palms I said,
"One thing is for sure, the animals on your planet are a lot more bold than the ones on my planet. I like it, it's refreshing and what's more, it seems to defy animal instinct, I mean I'm a predator and yet this squirrel is acting like I am some sort of tree." Fluttershy giggled at this as her blush lessened and she responded,
"They look to me for who to trust and since I didn't show fear neither did they... wait, did you say you were a predator?" I noticed her slightly shy away and I immediately said,
"Well, by definition I'm am apex predator, but only in definition, I have in fact never hunted or killed an animal in my entire life. Granted I do eat meat, but the animals I eat it from don't even show half the intellect that even this squirrel does, and as a species, we humans tend to only eat animals that aren't very smart. Not that really makes it any better, pain is still pain, but as a race that has to eat meat every now and then to survive, it is how we make due. You see we are omnivores and... am I boring you?" Fluttershy held up a hoof over her mouth and stifled a yawn while saying,
"oh no, I found all of that very interesting." I laughed at this and said,
"Well, to wrap it all up, We eat meat but never anything that is smart, for the most part." She nodded and said,
"That's good, but as you can see I have to get back to feeding the animals." As with this, she got back to it, but I asked,
"do you mind if I help?" Looking very surprised and a bit flustered, Fluttershy turned back around and said,
"umm... I... well...I mean, no pony ever wants to help me with my animals, but I guess...that is if you want to." I continued to smile at this and said,
"As you can see I'm not a pony and I would very much so like to help you." She smile through another blush and proceeded to show me what to do, so we got to it, but a little way through I asked,
"Hey, Fluttershy? Would you mind singing again, I was really enjoying listening to you." It was almost too easy to get Fluttershy to blush, even when I wasn't trying she would do so, and this was for almost anything. Anyway she responded,
"Oh, I couldn't do that, it would be much to embarrassing."
"Nonsense, look I'll even start us off and you can join me as we work." and with that I started to sing in a baritone voice. I continued for a few minutes and I was wondered if she would join me, but then I heard her start to sing and it really was beautiful.
So on we went, until we got to a pond where the fish just came out of the water and seemed to smile at Fluttershy (I found it creepy but also endearing that Fluttershy was even loved by the local fish.) That was when I noticed a poorly made fake turtle poking out of the water, so I looked at it for a few minutes just trying to figure out why it was their. I soon found out why when I heard arguing across the pond and saw two pranksters (for real man, ponies can be really loud, even when they aren't trying to be). I could hear what they were saying, and it pertained to how Fluttershy was too innocent, which I completely agreed with so I decided to take the bullet, as it were. I put my head next to the turtle and yelled,
"Hello little fella, you sure are a funny looking one, maybe I should get closer to you!" I waited for the attack to commence, which it did and I got a face full of water, while hearing massive laughter before I yelled out again,
"Pffffff, cough, cough, oh ho, a wise guy huu, maybe I should look you in the eye and see what you think of that!" When I got it close to my eye I was blasted again, meanwhile the laughter got louder and I continued,
"Ah that didn't stop you, A? Well maybe if I put you up to my other eye!" The results were the same and by this time I could hear Fluttershy laughing from behind me, which only egged me on more,
"Want to play rough, maybe if I put your head in my mouth and show you my teeth, you will be scare!" I got fully blasted in the mouth and screamed out,
"Pfffff....pfffff...cough, cough, cough, ehh hum, you win this round little turtle, but I'll get you next time!" as I put it back in to the water I could hear uproarious pony laughter, which was like music to my ears. I smiled like a lunatic while waiting for all the laughter to die down and when I turned around I found Fluttershy looking at me with a warm smile of her own after which she said,
"That was a very nice thing to do." I laughed and said
"And it was totally worth it, I love to make others laugh." This set the vibe for the rest of the day of helping Fluttershy and left me a warm happy feeling inside.
The Next Day
I got a late start the next day and hurried back to make sure I was apart of the show, for I didn't want the viewers to get any ideas. As I ran in to town, I noticed Pinkie sitting at a table in front of the sugar cube corner and she seemed to be watching something, but I wasn't sure what. I pulled up a seat and asked,
"Hey Pinkie, what's up?" She looked at me for a few seconds and then went back to watching what I could now make out to be some sort of lion? or maybe a giant eagle? Then it hit me, it was a freaking Griffon, that is amazing, then Pinkie said,
"I am watching Gilda the Griffon (called it) and so far she has proven to be a big meanie, I wanted to see what she was up too." So we watched as Gilda proceeded to be a grade A bitch, not to mention a thief, and just continued on her war path until she got to Fluttershy. As soon as she started to yell at Fluttershy, I was out of my seat and on a bee line to the big turkey, then I stopped her mid rant.
"Hey! Lay off Fluttershy, she didn't mean to bump in to you." Gilda looked at me with a sneer and responded,
"Oh, what do we have here? A big fur less monkey, here to protect its master? How hilarious, anyway, move aside monkey, I was yelling at someone better than you." My eyebrows shot in to my hairline and then returned just as fast in to a scowl. I could feel the rational side of my brain give way to the much more base and bestial, but I fought for control as I responded with venom,
"Oh, I'm not so much a monkey as an ape, have you ever seen a gorilla? Yeah, that is pretty close, now have you ever seen a gorilla tear apart a predator? No? Well you see, we grab the predator by two limbs, in this case, lets say your wings and we will pull with all our might until we tear off the limbs. After this is done, we will smash both our arm in to the enemy until it passes out, and then finally die's, most likely from a hemorrhaged brain. Now do you catch my drift?" I put as much steel in to my eyes and bared my teeth at her as if I was a wolf, all in the hope that she would back down, for I knew that I wouldn't be able to actually fight her, I mean come on, she is a freaking Griffon for Pete's sake. Luckily my little ploy bore fruit and Glida stepped back, saying that "she was too cool for all of this" before flying away. I sighed in relief and turned around to find Fluttershy on the ground whimpering, which made me ask,
"Are you alright? She didn't hurt you did she?" she continued to whimper before saying,
"You were very scary, did you really mean all of that?" I looked ashamed and responded,
"Oh no Fluttershy, I would never do something like that, it was all just a bluff, I just didn't want her to hurt you. Please don't be afraid, you never need to fear me, I would never do something like that to any of you ponies." She looked up at me with big soulful eyes, then she gave me a hug-tackle, all the while crying and I returned the hug full force, while stoking her mane. I heard a large Awww noise and immediately I looked around to find a large group of ponies with sappy looks on their faces, so begrudgingly I pulled out of the hug, all the while looking embarrassed. Pinkie rushed up and said,
"That was amazing, I have never seen a pony intimidate a Griffon before." I smiled and responded,
"You still haven't, I'm a human." She smiled back and said,
"Ha, good one James, now we to throw her a party to make sure she changes her attitude." I looked at Pinkie with a doubting expression and asked,
"How will that work?" She just ignored me however and we proceeded over to the party that was somehow already set up. Luckily for me, most of the ponies were the ones that had witnessed the little spat and now they seemed to be able to accept me, even though it seemed odd to me. Somehow Pinkie managed to get a message out to Gilda to join her at party within the time it took to walk back over to the Sugar Cube Corner, but I guess that was just how Pinkie rolled, that is to say, without boundaries like time and space. Anyway I started the party by heading over to the food and looking for something to eat, what I found were some vanilla lemon drops and holy crap was it a bad choice. My mouth burned with the intensity of the sun and I yelled out,
"Oh God! My mouth is on fire!" with this said, I rushed over to the punch bowl and filled a cup, but it seemed to be a trick cup and spilled on my shirt, so I dropped the cup and dunked my head in to the bowl, drinking as much as I could. When I pulled out I noticed that all the ponies were laughing at me and I grinned sheepishly, that is until I noticed that Gilda saw me as well. She smirked at me and we both knew that I wasn't a bad as I had lead her to believe, 'well crap' I thought as I walked away. The odds seemed to balance out and Gilda opened a can of spring loaded snakes, which brought a vindictive smile to my face, which Gilda frowned at. I saw a another theme going and sure enough the next prank was with the candles on the cake, the ones that never go out. I laughed at this, but cut her some slack before she became to embarrassed, simply by wetting my fingers and stopping them one by one. She gave me a funny look and I said,
"Trick candles, they can only be put on in a certain way, seems like you were the lucky one to find this prank." With that said she just sneered at me again and we continued on. Gilda seemed to be in a seriously bitchy mood and continued to try and mess with anyone in her way, namely Rarity and a game she wanted to play. Rarity wanted to play Pin the tale on the pony, Gilda yanked the tail out of Rarity's hooves and called the first turn. I watched as the idiot seemed to throw caution to the wind and ignored Pinkie's warnings of going the wrong way, and just as she was about to step on some spilled cake, I stopped her. Sometimes I am too much of a nice guy and it seemed that this was one of these times, for once I stopped her, she pulled off her blindfold and proceeded to yell at me,
"What the heck are you doing you big dumb ape, I was doing fine until you stopped me."
"Oh yeah you stuffed turkey, then see for yourself, if I hadn't stopped you, you would have fallen right on your stupid ass." She looked down and saw the cake before looking back at me with surprise.
"You saved me... I don't get you, first you threaten me, even though I know you don't have to power to back it up and then you stop me from looking like a fool, what's your game?" I shrugged and said,
"No game, you threatened my friend before and I was protecting her, but I didn't really have any animosity toward you, no when I want you dead, I won't up and tell you, I'll just do it." For some reason this brought a smile to her face and she responded,
"hmm, you're much cooler than I give you credit for, so much so that I think I might take you as a mate, to bad I can't right now, since I have to go back to Gryphus, but when I come back I think that I will enact the claiming wright and you will be mine. Until we meet again, James." With that Gilda walked towards the door and yelled out,
"Later dweebs" before flying away and leaving me in a stupor. Several minutes passed, until I finally asked Twilight,
"What's a claiming Wright? and why do I suddenly feel like carrying my gun with me from now on?" Twilight looked at me strangely before saying,
"It is a Griffon Ritual that tells all other individuals that, that mate belongs to the one that enacted the wright, sorry James." I said,
"It's alright Twilight." But in my head I was screaming 'What the fucking fuck, why the hell is this happening to me, It's like someone is purposely fucking with me! damn it, now I am going to have to carry a gun with me at all times.' I sighed loudly and ignored the insanity of what just happened before returning to the party, 'just hope I get a day that doesn't try to screw me over in equestria' I thought, sadly I wouldn't be granted that wish for quite a while, but that story is for another time.
It's me, I'm the one fucking with him, dance my puppet, dance, muhahaha 
. Happy April fools day, James.
Anyway I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, 
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Keep the thing with Gilda that's hilarious.
th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/085/3/5/buck_yeah_by_milkman213-d4u2006.jpg
This Is Chapter is Awesome!!!!
Well he's going to deal with Celestia and Gilda Ha!
In other words, James is Daffy Duck, Frake is Bugs Bunny, and the real name of this chapter is called Duck Amuck. ( the video below is my evidence )
Nice one. I really enjoy this story. Light and funny. Fav and like is a must.
Hope That He Does Encounter Gilda Again In A Future Chapter
2362508 Hey, the moon would have a lovely view wouldn't you think? :D
2363772 hmm, It could happen, knowing Jame's luck
2363405 ehh, I don't know doc, seems a little far fetched, I mean I would never do something so diabolical
2363283 thanks for catching that one, wouldn't want Big Mac to switch genders just because of an error.
Oh and thank you everyone, for all the love, I really do appreciate it.
Dance puppet dance
I F&*ing love this.
It just seems James can't keep the ladies off him. I also can see Trixie
sealing a kiss form him and a Peed off Pinkie pie and/or the other Main 6.
please make mre chapters this it easily the most hilarius thing i have seen on this site
Im here for my claiming right!
"bang...thud"
ahh i love you tranq gun.
oh shit, 100 favorites, do you know what that means, a party
2364940 like it was the funniest think on the planet,
i believe you meant thing
i was disappointed there wasn't a gala chapter but that may not have happened yet.
2400689 lol nice to meet you as well and good to know ive become well known
Messy grammar, mediocre writing style, and bad pacing. Although I have to admit you have a captivating story/idea here, it has great potential. it's like an unpolished gem, you know? A few wipes on said gem could make it sparkle. Followed to see improvements.
lol you better make a loophole in that claiming Wright because if you put Gilda back in one of your chapters your going to be ending the romance there.....
Hey this is becoming a really good story
.... or should i say stories?.. anywho over 3 weeks since last update? come one dont leave us hanging!
when can we expect a update?
2475950 Yeah, I have been working on boast busters ever since I completed the last chapter, but I have had absolutely no inspiration. I have about 3000 words so far, however, I think I still have about another 2k to go. Anyway the story isn't dead I'm just having a bitch of a time on the newest chapter, so don't worry, it is on it's way
.
Now all we need is for Diamond Dogs to think he's a manifest form of one of their ancient Gods or something.
2515260 oh crap, that's brilliant, mind if i steal that?
2515286
I was originally going to use that for a fic I'm doing called Legend Brought To Life, but be my guest. I've had writers block for what feels like forever on it anyway.
*snicker* *kkkkk* can't hold back.... gah ha ha ha oh my gosh now guilda is gunning for him priceless
See... Quotes like these make me feel uncomfortable being called James
- TOO
-we're done. Another simple mistake that I see a lot.
- I have seen this so many times that it really, REALLY pisses me off, THERE IS A SOL-DAMMNED 'E' IN CLOTHES, FOR THE LOVE OF PONIES IT'S NOT THAT HARD, JUST PUT ONE.DAMNED.LETTER IN, SEE IT'S NOTTHATHARD: CLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHES
...
...
...
umm... I'm alright, all calm now, but seriously you'd better fix that or, I will run ye through with me Claymore laddy! Warning! Due to how long you've spent without sleep your brain has split into two, introducing: Reason(egghead) and RAGE(Prick)
- Yes because we all know that bowls are the best containers for liquids that stain nearly anything, am I right lads! *ahem* I do believe that the word you were looking for was bottle. Yeah, you know, the one you used later in that very same sentance. Oi! Shut it... me... you're not doing us any good reinforcing those stereotypes!
...
- huh
- as she hid
- seemed to crowd around
- Not that that really/Not like that really. I would like to object that James is apologising for something that is part of his nature and therefore out of his control, it seems like such a wimpy and OOC thing for him to do.
- this implies that he is seperate from the show. Aye ye numpty! I thought I told you to be quiet! Make me lassie! Why you...!*the sound of breaking furniture could be heard for miles around and continued for many hours, ending with one mighty explosion* *coughing and hacking* Truce?... Truce. Anyway what my two... counterparts were saying was that 'a' and 'part' need a space between them (to... himself?) see was it really that hard?!
4767918 can you not? be a grammar pony?
bring a sword with you just in case you run out of ammo
Just wow. That's rather blunt, Twilight!
I object to that! Pigs are smarter than given credit for! In my opinion, we only eat the ones who are no pet material, which essentially means cute animals. It is kind of stupid, really, but let's all be honest, why wouldn't we eat cats and dogs otherwise?
Wow. He attracts quite a lot of females! This might need a Harem tag!
