• Member Since 3rd Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 19th, 2019

KiaraKovu123


New Account: LemonadeRaid

E

I wish I could escape from this desert of snow. This wasteland of frozen hearts and icy souls. I'm Icicle Pop. This is my story
--
My first OC fic, go easy on me.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 5 )

Reading now~

LIKE I SAAAAIIIID BEFORE HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! :trollestia:

Interesting premise and worth watching to see what can come of it, though I feel that first chapter could have have had something a bit more to it, though I don't know what. First Person view fics aren't generally my thing, so it might just be an issue in my head. :twilightsmile:

Name of Story: A Sonata of Longing

Grammar score out of 10: 9

Pros:
1st Person: I don't think I've read any pony fics that were in the first person perspective before - yours might be the first. And I must say this is a good example of 1st person point of view. The character comes off feeling natural and unique by the end of this chapter. Very good job there.
Premise: You've set up an interesting idea here. It remains to be seen how having an alicorn parent will work, generally alicorn OCs are frowned upon, but after sampling your writing style I feel confident that Sierra should be interesting. She certainly doesn't seem overpowered - her special talent is keeping things warm? I'll be interested to read the reason for why you went with that.
Pacing: I always like to praise good pacing when I see it, and I certainly see it here. The story moves at a steady pace and doesn't feel rushed at all. You end this chapter in a good way as well, because the reader knows there will be conflict to see once they get home.

Cons:
Descriptions: It would have helped a little more if you painted a clear picture of the Frozen North landscape and what Poppy looks like. I don't expect her to describe what she looks like just so the reader knows, but when her brother shows up, it would have been a good opportunity to bring up similarities in their coat coloring or something. Give the reader a clear image of what these characters look like and it will help the connect between them and the readers.
Holding back: We get the impression from Poppy that her mother is crazy and abusive. Since we're getting all this from Poppy's own narration, you don't need to hold back on what you're getting the reader into. What is it about Sierra that both her children don't really feel the same way that she does about their situation? Poppy must certainly know, and that information can be shared with the reader prior to meeting her mother. I wouldn't worry about holding things back too much since this is all in first person perspective.

Notes Section: Overall this is interesting and well written, but it doesn't give us much to look forward to. Your short description says nothing about what to expect from this story or what your overall goal is for your character. You're allowed to give a little more to entice the reader into following what you write. Where is this story going, and how dark is the road ahead? Share a little more and I think you'll attract more readers.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Friendship has a Generous Heart.

It's a good start. It woud be nice if you added more details so people can really "see" the weather. So we know how much it contrasts with a typical Canterlot sunny day, if there is a magical boarder, if it's a mounatin and it just gets too warm for snow. Maybe you can add more subtle hints about what happned in the past.

:heart:

Login or register to comment