Frozen Hearts

by KiaraKovu123

A Sonata of Longing

Unicorns are rare in these parts. On the other hoof, so are ponies. All except me, that is. I walk around in the snow every day, freezing my hooves off because I have nothing better to do. Oh well, at least I get a hot meal when I come home. It warms me up, but it has no effect on my spirits.

I sigh as I walk every day. Maybe someday I’ll meet a pony…out here in the wilderness. I doubt it, since this is the most secluded part of the Frozen North.

I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Icicle Pop. Otherwise known as Poppy. As you heard, I live in the Frozen North. Why, you ask, would somepony want to live in a snowy wasteland such as this? It’s not that I want to. My mother, Sierra Blue, was banished here. And apparently, what she tells me is, “It wasn’t my fault”. I’m not sure what to believe. Call me a bad daughter, but I don’t think Princess Celestia made a WRONG decision when she banished the three of us here.

The three of us. That would be myself. My brother, Avalanche. And my mother, Sierra. Ask me if I remember being banished. No, I don’t. I was just a filly; I didn’t even have a cutie mark yet. My brother remembers the experience faintly, last I checked…But he’s not ever home anymore. He tells me he sneaks across the border, into the part of Equestria where we’re forbidden to go. He does this for work purposes. I don’t dare tell mother.
I miss him dearly. He’s like the friend I never had. When we were younger, and I was a filly. He used to tuck me in every night, in my bed of sticks and leaves. I had this quilt that I’d always get tangled up in whenever I got up in the morning. And he’d be the one to help me out of it. He’d tell me a story…sometimes about what life would be like if we were like normal ponies, living the way normal ponies do. Some stories were highly fantasized, while others seemed like they could happen tomorrow. He always made me smile. Whenever he comes home, which is rare, I beam. We talk for hours and hours, usually in private, about what he’s been doing. And how wherever he’s been is like in comparison to here. This desert of snow. This wasteland of frozen hearts and icy souls.

Today, I trudge slowly in the snow, staring at my hoof prints as I go. Wondering what the world is like outside of sheer ice. I know there must be something out there. Something that is called peace. I hope to find it one day. If I can ever escape my mother, that is. She’s intent on getting revenge on Celestia, which should be difficult. Sierra is an Alicorn, yes. But from what my brother has told me, she is no match for a princess. I hope he’s right. The concept of my mother fighting a princess makes me uneasy. The thing is, I don’t want this feud to exist. I wouldn’t say I’m on good terms with the Princess, but on the other hoof, she probably banished us for a reason. Maybe because my mother, with her kind of attitude, did something to anger Celestia. At this point, I have no idea. Whenever I’ve asked her, she didn’t reply.
So, as I walk, I can see my breath because it’s so cold. But I don’t mind. I love the cold. But now, it’s getting dark. I blink and sigh, this means I will have to go home. I’m not permitted outside after dark. I turn around to follow my own tracks home. I don’t worry about getting lost. That’s what teleporting is for. But I prefer to walk, it gives me time to think, and perhaps spot something interesting on the way back. All of a sudden, I hear a voice call my name. It’s familiar. I turn my head to see my brother run up to me. I smile.

“Avalanche…you’re back.” I say in a quiet, somewhat raspy voice. He walks up to me and nuzzles me.

“Hey, sis. I missed ya while I was gone. How are you doing?” He says with his dark blue eyes twinkling at me. For the first time this day, I feel inner peace. The same feeling I get when Avalanche comes home. I used to call him “Avvy”, but I’m a little old for that now. He doesn’t seem to think so, though. He has a grin that always makes me smile, even when I’m feeling gloomy, like I normally do.

I smile tenderly, “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” He grins and winks at me. “I was just on my way home…are you gonna stay for a while?” I ask with a bit of nervousness. Knowing my brother, he’ll probably just spend the night and leave early tomorrow.

“Well, uh, I was thinking about two days or so. How’s your training going?” he asks, with a nervous smile. He knows I don’t like to talk about it. You see, my mother is “training” me to fight with my power: ice. Like I said before, I’m not violent, and I don’t much care for fighting. But she says that the only way we get revenge on Celestia is to fight. I don’t see that I have much choice but to obey.

“Uh, alright, I guess.” I say with a sigh. “What have you been up to?” I continue walking, waiting for him to answer. He looks around, to see if anypony is nearby, listening in on our conversation. I know that it’s impossible for anypony to be listening (except mother, she’s rather sneaky), but I don’t say anything. Once he’s sure nopony is listening, he looks at me and begins a rather long story about what a great time he’s having in a city called “Manehatten”. He explains to me all the things he sees there, and I, listen with wide eyes as we walk along in the snow.

“I did find a job. I’m what they call a ‘waiter’, I work in a café.” He then proceeds to tell me what a café is. Apparently it is a place where ponies can go and order food. Whatever they please. My eyes widen when he mentions ‘grass pancakes’, grass doesn’t grow up here, since this place is all snow, but I have had the opportunity to taste grass before. Only once, and it was in a grass pancake. They are a delicacy, indeed.

“So, you give food to ponies? For free?”

He chuckles and shakes his head slowly. “No, they have to pay. But, the food is usually better than what they get at home.” I give a small sigh of envy. They get so much luxury, but they don’t realize that there are other ponies that have nothing. I’m rather content, but I have the exact same food every day. Either it’s snow cones, or soup. My mother’s special talent is to warm things. So, my soup is always warm. I do miss those hot pancakes, though. And that delightful liquid that you spread over them that’s called “syrup”.

I hesitate, but force myself to ask, “What does mother think you’re doing there?” my brother winces, and quickly turns his head in another direction. I flop my ears down and bite my lip. I feel a bit awkward for asking that. I should know, every time he goes away, he tells her it’s to spy on the ponies in Canterlot, and get information on what’s happening there, for the purposes of planning an attack. And no, he’s not too big on that idea, either. He sighs and turns back to me, with a cocky smile.

“The same thing I tell her every time. Spying.” Avalanche then starts walking closer to me. I feel oddly happy inside and snuggle up against him as I walk. I know he’s been gone too long, and if he’s only going to be here a short while, I need to spend as much time with him as possible.

Author's Note:

So, yeah....kinda a sucky start. Kinda slow, not really getting into it. You'll understand better in later chapters.
Like I said, first OC fic. Go easy on me.

Comments

[Martian]

Reading now~

[TheBadgerKing]

LIKE I SAAAAIIIID BEFORE HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Martian]

Interesting premise and worth watching to see what can come of it, though I feel that first chapter could have have had something a bit more to it, though I don't know what. First Person view fics aren't generally my thing, so it might just be an issue in my head.

[Sirius_Face]

Name of Story: A Sonata of Longing

Grammar score out of 10: 9

Pros:
1st Person: I don't think I've read any pony fics that were in the first person perspective before - yours might be the first. And I must say this is a good example of 1st person point of view. The character comes off feeling natural and unique by the end of this chapter. Very good job there.
Premise: You've set up an interesting idea here. It remains to be seen how having an alicorn parent will work, generally alicorn OCs are frowned upon, but after sampling your writing style I feel confident that Sierra should be interesting. She certainly doesn't seem overpowered - her special talent is keeping things warm? I'll be interested to read the reason for why you went with that.
Pacing: I always like to praise good pacing when I see it, and I certainly see it here. The story moves at a steady pace and doesn't feel rushed at all. You end this chapter in a good way as well, because the reader knows there will be conflict to see once they get home.

Cons:
Descriptions: It would have helped a little more if you painted a clear picture of the Frozen North landscape and what Poppy looks like. I don't expect her to describe what she looks like just so the reader knows, but when her brother shows up, it would have been a good opportunity to bring up similarities in their coat coloring or something. Give the reader a clear image of what these characters look like and it will help the connect between them and the readers.
Holding back: We get the impression from Poppy that her mother is crazy and abusive. Since we're getting all this from Poppy's own narration, you don't need to hold back on what you're getting the reader into. What is it about Sierra that both her children don't really feel the same way that she does about their situation? Poppy must certainly know, and that information can be shared with the reader prior to meeting her mother. I wouldn't worry about holding things back too much since this is all in first person perspective.

Notes Section: Overall this is interesting and well written, but it doesn't give us much to look forward to. Your short description says nothing about what to expect from this story or what your overall goal is for your character. You're allowed to give a little more to entice the reader into following what you write. Where is this story going, and how dark is the road ahead? Share a little more and I think you'll attract more readers.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Friendship has a Generous Heart.

[ladyarcana]

It's a good start. It woud be nice if you added more details so people can really "see" the weather. So we know how much it contrasts with a typical Canterlot sunny day, if there is a magical boarder, if it's a mounatin and it just gets too warm for snow. Maybe you can add more subtle hints about what happned in the past.