Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land...
Featured in The Royal Guard.
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Edited by Horse Voice.
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- Member Since 18th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen 13 hours ago
GaryOak
Writing graduate who loves cartoon horses and all manner of silly things. Occasionally writes serious stories. A divine Swedish woman drew this avatar.
GaryOak
Joined 18th Mar, 2012 ·
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Wow... Damn. Good going, Gary.
Do I remember the words The Sundering from the Knife book series? When the empress took away the Faeries' powers?
Beautiful.
This was good, but it felt...I don't know...too polished? It felt kind of rigid in its sentence structure. That seems like a common problem when writing for an actual writing class, I do the same thing whenever I'm more concerned with being technically correct. In your blog you were complaining about a lack of views for your first serious story in a while, one likely cause for this is the "Dark" and "Tragedy" tags on the story. Dark stories have a much smaller audience than comedies do, especially when the majority of your audience came from your clop stories.
2350521>>2351116
Thank you!
2350534
I've never heard of that. For me, the title harkens back to World of Warcraft, and I felt it was fitting for this story, as it can have multiple connotations. It started as a "working title," but I never came up with anything better, so it stuck.
2351189
This story was an experiment for the class, actually. I wanted to see if I could write something with a different narrative voice than the standard one. How does the sentence structure feel rigid? Regardless of what I write, I strive to be technically correct, unless the voice calls for something else. If you're referring to the diction, then that's just part of the narrative voice. As for the tags, dark stories can be quite successful; my friend wrote one that quadrupled his followers and gained over 6,000 views. We edit each other's work.
One pony's rigidity is another pony's adherence to style.
Bonus points for telling a story we supposedly all know without falling back on cliché or the Standard Tropes. (Well, okay, "the night shall last forever!” was probably unavoidable.)
2351362
Thanks! My method of avoiding said tropes is to not read any other fanfiction. I felt that line was okay, because it was in character for Nightmare Moon. I think the only place I could be more "canon" is the dialogue, as I assume they'd talk similar to how Luna did in Luna Eclpised, but I felt that would be too unwieldy and take away from the story, so I just used hammy "modern" English.
Damn Gary, you pleased me, this was one of the BEST stories I have read in a while. Even though it's a one-shot it's perfect!
2351242. It just seems like the story doesnt flow like it should. The diction is fine but shouldn't they be speaking in old-equish because of the time period? It doesn't take away from the story, I'm just nitpicking details here.
sorry, im not one for celestia and luna dark, but TwissleDragon told me this was good. from the opening i can tell this is going to be dark
but i would just like to leave one thing before i read this... it looks like a wall of text, and i am going to review this after i read this. is that fine???
2352009
It's proper story formatting. All authors in the real world do this.
2352017 no not liek that, you took it wrong, and you arn't the author.
i mean like the way it is made. it dosn''t look corect. it is but it is hard to read some.
mine
im not sure about his, becuase im bussy making my own fic.
not hating, i just don't like it. and it is not the style of real worls authors. the editors of the real word authors put spaces inbetween talking and the story.
sorry if i read difrent books, harry poter isn't my style, and i have't had time to try twilight
2352070
In formal writing, they put spaces to separate stuff. I know I'm not the author, but, Gary has told me about this already. It's just "story" formatting. I found it weird because I haven't read a book in a while and have been use to the separated text, too. But, no worries, the fic itself is good. Even if it's a problem, you can copy/paste and space it out so it's easier to read.
I can't even read your clop stories and see you as the author...
This is some good shit, despite the paragraph spacing, I don't know what to even say...
This is..
Ya know what? No, I've said enough.
2352090 i never said it was a problem, it is just not my style. and trust me, i read manga like 5 books a day and the libariens get pissed at me,
but thier is no problem, it is just no to much of a comen text forrmat.
and as you can clearly see, i want to review this to help him
2352111
Of course. Critiques always help the author!
2352121 meow
i wanted to have permission to do it though. i don't like being a abrunt asshole
You wrote this.
Why?
Because You're Gary Mother Fuckin' Oak!
Damn man, that was honestly the best story I've read in a long time. Keep up the good work Gary! :D
I like it! There are some moments which seemed to have too much description, such as this one:
"She had used her unicorn magic to raise the sun that morning, in accordance with her destiny, as told by the sun marks emblazoned on her flanks."
That became a lot more understandable at the end of the story, when it became clear that this had been intended for a non-brony audience.
As for the "Not getting many views" thing, I think it's largely because the story is just a retelling of something that we already know happened. Yes, it's a very good retelling and worth reading because of that, but people don't know that just by reading the description, and that's what makes them decide to read your story or not.
2351457
Thank you very much for such high praise!
2351891
I ultimately decided against it, because I felt it may bog the story down, as well as make it too confusing for my class. That, and I don't believe I have a skilled enough grasp on Shakespearean English to write it properly, so I ended up going with the advanced vocabulary and some old-timey words.
2352009
I would be honoured to receive a review. Critique is how writers grow. As for the story formatting, this is the correct way to format a story; paragraph separations are indicated by indents. An extra blank line is surpuflous unless you're indicating a time skip, in which case it is accompanied by a set of dingbats.
2352105
I wear a completely different writer's hat when I write my interhorse. I'm mostly having fun and just horsing around when I write that stuff. Obviously, I put effort into it and revise it, but yeah.
2352361
Thank you very much!
2352416
Fair points. I needed to describe things bronies would already know because of my audience. It's kind of an exercise in "for reals" writing, because when I move on from fanfiction one day, I'll have to know how to build elaborate fantasy worlds with complex-looking characters from scratch. As for the retelling thing, I knew that going in, but I was trying to see if it could succed based on its own merit. Plus, even though it's a dark/tragedy story, it's a "safe" read, because everybody knows how it will end.
2352830 ewell that is true, but hell , we all read difrent books. sorry if i ofended you, or if you didn't under stand what i ment.
ither way, it is your story
ill hit you up with the link for the reviwe once i make it
the follow is only to keep track of you
2352850
It's no big deal. I didn't understand the proper story formatting until I was told and picked up a book to make sure. I always explain it, because not many people are aware of this until it's pointed out to them.
2352856 (not ment to be mean or hate) well the form you are using is more to the more esay format, while i write simple format. i did this format once i got hate
dat description
This is pretty cool. Good work, Gary!
Great story. Definitely on-par with the best fics on the site IMHO. Carries the weight and gravitas that earth-shattering events like this are meant to convey. The fact that it fits PERFECTLY into the series' canon might be seen as slightly less original than working out some more original premise (don't look at me, I'm just spouting stuff off my noggin here), but your descriptions and the action; I just about swallowed my own tonsils when Nightmare Moon broke Celestia's shield spell.
Then again, something that every fan has wanted to know remains unanswered: What power did Nightmare Moon gain that could allow her to overpower her own sister?
We may never know
Seriously though, great story and great writing. Five
's out of five.
As of a few hours ago, this story is quasi-featured (it's up there if you disable horse porn), so I would like to take the time to thank everybody who stopped by and gave this story a try, despite its premise and its tags. You guys are awesome!
2354130
Thank you!
2354453
You have no idea how much I appreciate a glowing review like this. I realized going into this that I would need to pull some serious wizardry to make this not suck, because the premise is unoriginal, and the ending is handcuffed by the show's canon. Also, it's probably been done a bunch of times. So I decided to focus heavily on the journey, both with the epic fight scene and the emotional journey for the characters.
As for Nightmare Moon's powers, I guess I kind of liken it to going to the dark side, Star Wars style. I actually have a non-canon explanation for it in my novel, but that doesn't affect how I told the story here.
Fun fact: the biggest piece of criticism I received when this was workshopped in University was a few people could not grasp how Celestia made movements that are physically impossible for horses (like burying her face in her forehooves), slept in a bed, and ran on a hard surface.
I had words that I wanted to say regarding why I thought it was "good," but not "ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh great."
But then you already noted them in a recent post.
So, suffice to say that I gave it a like and left it at that.
Some unrelated things:
The description did feel somewhat jarring for me, probably similar to what MidnightRose thought. Which I kind of expected, since I got that feeling every once in a while reading Repercussions. IIRC, I just continuously blamed it on melodrama.
Grammatically, all I have is switch the en dashes (–) into em dashes (-- or —). Looks sound otherwise.
2355050
Now I'm trying to figure out why the descriptions seemed jarring at times, because it will be very relevant when I eventually write original fantasy work.
Also, the em dashes I use are that way because my word processor (Open Office) does not make ones that are three times as long as a hyphen. I believe the ones I use with the spaces are correct, though; there are just two different styles.
This was really well done. To take a story whose ending is known and tell it well is a challenge, one you met with wit and flair. The truly dramatic moments here may be classic (trope-ish) in some ways, but again, it's how do you them that makes all the difference.
The mood and events of this story fit perfectly into this song, which I'm 99+% sure you know of, but which I think still bears posting here in case anypony else doesn't:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGEf_YxBxZI
The story told by that song was already nearly full headcanon for me; your story just added more weight and strength to it. Thank you for sharing it. You certainly earned your A+
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
2942058
Thanks very much for the great review! I really appreciate it, and I love hearing the positive comments. You're completely right when it comes to the moments--and driving purpose--of the story. For me, it wasn't what I was writing, but how I was writing it, because I know this is a concept that's been explored a lot in this fandom. Also, I think I knew of that song, but I've never actually heard it, until now.
If I were marking this, I'd probably give it an A or an A+. Because, dayumn, it is good.
The writing was fluid, with a good pace behind it. It was also very atmospheric during the moments between the confrontation, and the action was not described in a superflous manner, nor was it too simplistic - a nice balance between it. The characterisation was well done, too, and the emotions very much apparent.
3069982
Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
3070022 "Enjoyed it" is an understatement
. You've inspired me to write my own take on this moment in Equestrian history.
3070029
Oh wow. That's actually quite awesome! And it's one of the biggest compliments you could possibly give me. Thank you!
One reason the story is as it is, is because my class had a size restriction, so I had to try to tell it in ten pages or less. Another way to go about it is to simply omit the fight scene entirely, and have all the emotional buildup and exposition carefully woven into a 30,000 word (or more) novella, and have Celestia just stand there and allow Nightmare Moon to strike her down, then have the Elements intervene when Nightmare is going for the coup de grace.
3070080 My own idea on the Nightmare Moon incursion actually stretches the conflict across a week, where as the princesses fight for the fate of Equestria, so does the sun and moon battle for dominance in the Equestrian sky, in the form of a total eclipse. All the while, armies of ponies and equinoctae (bat ponies) clash beneath them in defence and support of the two regal sisters.
In other words, a counter-revolution led by Celestia against Nightmare Moon.
3073824
Sounds great, but ambitious! I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors; if things go well, it could turn out to be something really good.
I enjoyed this once, I loved reading it over again! Here:
i.imgur.com/fZr5857.png
3164192
YAY!
hey I took this story and did a written review for it before doing my audio review if you would like to see that here's a link
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Slash-wing-my-little-pony-FIM/339895572794546
3280686
Outstanding! You, Good Sir, have impressed me once again. Why I had not read this before mystifies me.
3345641
Thanks! I guess you were just busy?
This as excellent.
The alternate of the past.
yeah!
You when I read this, it's almost like what happened in the show... Without rapiers.
I love the sword fight.
Okay favoriting it.
3959132
Thanks! The interesting part is that I wrote this almost a year ago, so I did not have the flashback from the season 4 premiere to go on.
This was great. :D I love how overdramatic and ridiculous the dialogue is.
6815997
Thanks very much! I remember wondering if I should've gone with what I did or tried to use full on Luna Eclipsed Luna speak, as that may have been more historically accurate.