Just an artist/writer. Also a member of the US Navy cx
Some say ignorance is bliss. This has never been more true for you. You have been living in Equestria for almost 3 years now and you've gotten the name of every single animal in the Ever-free forest thanks to Fluttershy's help. Although, one thing you notice is the way the bears and manticores have been acting. As if something is keeping them in the shadows. All that you know is that this is not a good sign for the habitat. Or for you.
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This is pretty cool, though by putting a name on the main character it defeats the whole purpose of doing, "the audience is the main character" thing.
you should definitely write more ^^.
Hello, regular HiE reader here, I'm here to talk short, because the time is pretty late and I need sleep.
So, first things, you're going for a third/second person narrative, I say third/second because at times the narrator stops speaking to 'me' and refers to the situation in general, which can't happen in a totally second person narrative.
So from the beginning I can tell, that this 'me' is one of two especially from this first line...
God, an insufferable teen is ‘me’; this is going to be a pain.
Now I know that you wanted to go to the point in which your story handles and you just needed this guy in this situation, in Equestria ASAP, so I can survive with the initial description which not only has no real logic or 'proof', it is -as I said before- just to get to the point where 'I' am with Fluttershy in the Everfree. So I'll let the stupidity on the beginning pass, with no issue.
Everything before this point...
Is what I mean.
We found our first issue, hurrah!
What’s going on here is several different laps in logic at a time, continues logic. As stated in the half-logical explanation at the start he has a better life (I coughed blood saying this) in Equestria, wouldn't that mean that he's more at peace and with less worries in a nature like place? A world with no magic that controls nature? But he’s better in the land where everything is NOT natural in the humans perspective, only the most dangerous forest is considered natural in human eyes.
(I know that I said that I wasn't going to complain about the start but it BUGS ME TO NO END!)
Now to what really matters....
The story forward to that has not enough buildup to make of a more effective atmosphere, the situation came too fast, the reaction to the initial screech of death was illogical (You don’t run TOWARDS the death screech!), the reasoning behind his guild of showing a mare that should be fully aware of what 'nature' can do is not so well based or implemented.
This is like one of those old horror movies where you look at the stupid cheerleader go into the obviously not abandoned shack to find help, PS. There's a murderer on the loose.
It's quite possible that you wrote this in the heat of the moment, maybe to make sure everything in your mind was out in paper, but you seem to haven't considered that people outside your mind haven't really seem or heard what is really going on.
But as the story is; the Idea is quite fresh, the title and description drawed (see what I did there
) me in, at least for me, the mystery is kept where it's supposed to be, a secret, and you gave a GOOD motive to remain in the deadly forest with the killer beast other than, 'curiosity' or like that one imbecile that says, 'let's investigate what was that.'
But yeah, I told you everything you need to know about my opinion up there, so really what remains to be said here is that I will see where this goes.
Sorry if this comment is to no help to you, I really have no idea if you're going to continue this or not, I mean, it's been more than 5 weeks, which mean you left this here for yourself, or you forgot about it... or you're a slow writer.
But to conclude, sorry if this comment comes out of the blue of a story you want to forget.
[And yes this is a short review for me]
2459754 thank you very much for the review. See, I knew there was some lingering faults in this story, but I never had time to change them. I greatly appreciate your feedback and will get to fixing the problem ASAP!
I'm taking this off of hiatus! Let's get to work!