• Published 2nd Mar 2013
  • 5,509 Views, 378 Comments

Crisis of Infinite Offspring - dramatic_spoon

Big Macintosh must deal with his various alternate universe offspring

  • ...

New Kids on the Farm

Big Macintosh struggled against the four fillies, still holding him in a tight embrace. The last pegasus filly quietly trotted over and hugged Big Macintosh’s free leg. Big Macintosh continued to struggle, whipping the Earth filly back and forth around his neck.

“WHHEEEEEE! FASTER FASTER!” the filly giggled.

“Alright, all of you. Let go.” Big Macintosh ordered, “I mean it.”

The sulking fillies peeled themselves off of the stallion and sat in front of him in a line.

“Applejack, who are they?”

“You tell me, ‘Daddy’” Applejack growled, “Just look at ’m!” Applejack jabbed a hoof at the first filly; the rainbow maned pegasus, “Tell ’im who you are!”

“He knows who I am, He’s my daddy.” The rainbow pegasus grumbled.

“But he’s my daddy too.” The white unicorn added.

“Mine too.” The other unicorn nodded in agreement.

“ME TOO! ME TOO!” the earth filly continued to leap up and down in excitement.

The last pegasus meekly nodded, and smiled.

“Macintosh, how could you have had an affair with all my friends?!” the mare jabbed her hoof into Macintosh’s face, “I TRUSTED YOU, and look what you did! I oughta rip ’m both off and stuff it where the sun don’t shi-”

“Applejack, Think for a moment.” The stallion interrupted his sister. “Look at them!”

“I AM. And I can see it quite plainly that they all look like my friends, ya filthy lecher!” Applejack jabbed her hoof at him again.

“No, I mean look at them!” Big Macintosh motioned towards the fillies, “Twilight’s only been here for about a year, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“An’ you’ve known Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie an’ Rarity for about four years now, right?”

“So?!?” Applejack stomped her hoof in anger, causing all the fillies to shrink back in fear, “Get to the point!”

Big Macintosh quickly turned his attention to the fillies, “Girls, how old are all of you?”

“I’m Three.” The white unicorn responded. The other ponies all nodded in agreement.

“What’s that got ta do with anything?!” Applejack demanded.

“So if Twilight’s only been here for a year, an’ she’s supposed to be my kid with her, how can she be three years old?” Macintosh countered, “It don’t add up. And further more, how could somepony like Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity or Pinkie keep this a secret for so long? You spend plenty of time with ’em and you’ve seen ’em on a near daily basis for about four years.” Big Macintosh shook his head, “You think they could really do that to you?”

“…” Applejack looked down, doubt in her eyes, “…No, no they wouldn’t.”

“So, let’s figure this out.” Big Macintosh turned his attention to the fillies, “…Erm, what’s your names?” He winced as four of them started to babble at the top of their lungs, yelling at him and each other.
“QUIET.” Big Macintosh scolded the four, “Didn’t your parent’s teach ya anything about ma-…” Big Macintosh paused, “…well, anyway, let’s start from the left with you.” Big Macintosh pointed towards the white unicorn, “Tell me your name an’ who yer mother is.”

“I’m Golden Gem.” The filly beamed, “My mommy’s Rarity, and she’s the prettiest pony in Equestria.”

“My name is Sparkling Cider.” The other unicorn smiled, “My mother is Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“Wait, Princess?” Applejack’s eyebrow rose in suspicion, before she shook her head. “Nevermind, I don’t want to know.”

“I’m Scarlet Tornado!” The rainbow maned filly grinned, “And my mom’s the coolest, most awesomest, and fastest pony in Equestria! Rainbow Dash.”

“I’m Apple Pie!” the earth pony excitedly yelled, “My mommy’s Pinkie Pie!”

“I... I’m Garden Royal.” The final pegasus stuttered. Garden Royal looked away from Big Macintosh and Applejack, before muttering something under her breath.

“Definitely Fluttershy.” Applejack sighed.

“Eeyup,” Big Macintosh nodded in agreement, before turning his attention back to the fillies. “...how did you all get here?”

“I dunno.” Scarlet shrugged, “Mom was teaching me to do a sonic rainboom, and I crashed into an apple tree.”

“Aunty Sweetie Belle was practicing her magic.” Golden Gem sulked, “She said it would make my mane look prettier, but I ended up here.”

“Cousin Skyla tried to do something like that.” Sparkling Cider scratched her head in confusion.

Garden Royal meekly mumbled something.

“Lil’ louder, sugarcube.” Applejack tried to coax the filly. Instead of responding, Garden Royal shrunk back, hiding behind Sparkling Cider and Golden Gem. The Apple siblings shrugged and turned their attention to the last filly.

“I HAVE NO IDEA!” Apple Pie shouted at Big Macintosh and Applejack.

“Who wants cobbler?" Granny Smith called out.

“I do!” Apple Pie, Golden Gem, Sparkling Cider and Scarlet Tornado yelled. The four blitzed over to the kitchen, pushing and shoving one another in order to be the first. Garden Royal meekly looked up at Big Macintosh and Applejack, before returning her gaze to the ground.

“Go on, sugar cube.” Applejack coaxed the filly on.

“Okay.” Garden Royal stood up and trotted into the kitchen.

“Applejack, when did they all start to show up?”

“’Bout an hour after you left.” Applejack sighed, “Started with Scarlet Tornado, as she crashed into one of the trees. Then Sparkling Cider an’ Golden Gem popped into the Bath when Apple Bloom was there.” Applejack chuckled, “That one was a bit of a mess. Then Garden Royal showed up on th’ doorstep. She ain’t much of a talker, is she?”

“Nope. And… Apple Pie?”

“I haven’t the slightest clue. She just popped up in the middle of everything. We didn’t even notice her until she tackled Scarlet and began to play with Apple Bloom.” Applejack sighed, “What are we going to do?”

“…I got an idea, but it’s gonna have to wait until t’morrow. I ain’t botherin’ Miss Twilight at this hour...” Big Macintosh motioned towards a clock.

“I reckon so…”

Applejack and Macintosh trotted into the kitchen. The two were greeted to a scene of carnage: Apple Pie and Scarlet Tornado ducked behind an overturned chair, shielding themselves from the chunks of cobbler flung by Golden Gem and Sparkling Cider. Garden Royal cowered in the corner, avoiding the fight. Scarlet Tornado popped back out of the chair, flinging more chunks of cobbler at the other two unicorns. It splattered onto the two unicorns, causing them to shriek in terror. Golden Gem furrowed her brow in anger, glaring at the other two.

“IT. IS. ON.” Golden Gem focused, lifting the entire pan of cobbler into the air. The pan flew forward, stopping above the other two fillies.

“…Uh-oh.” Apple Pie gulped.

The pan flipped over, dumping the remains of the cobbler onto the two.

“That’s not fair!” Scarlet Tornado screamed at the other two.

“Deal with it.” Golden Gem smirked. The smirk quickly vanished as Scarlet Tornado launched herself at the unicorn, tackling her into another glob of cobbler. Apple Pie began nibble the cobbler on the floor, as Sparkling Cider finally noticed Big Macintosh.

“Um…Apple Pie started it.” Sparkling Cider pointed a hoof at the earth filly who greedily continued to eat cobbler.

Big Macintosh loudly coughed, catching the attention of all the fillies; Apple Pie paused mid chomp, while Golden Gem and Scarlet Tornado managed to get one last punch in, before finishing. “Looks like you all need a bath.”

“I... I don’t.” Garden Royal meekly answered. Before Big Macintosh could respond, Apple Pie picked up a half-eaten piece of cobbler and flung it at the pegasus filly, splattering her with cobbler.

“Now you do!” the earth filly sung out, bouncing up and down, splattering pieces of cobbler all over the place. The pegasus filly whimpered in defeat.

“That’s it. All of you, march up to th’ bathroom and get in the tub.” Big Macintosh glared at the fillies, all of whom began to protest. “NOW.” The stallion firmly scolded the group. All five fillies quickly rushed out the door, and up towards the bathroom. Big Macintosh sighed.

“Just look at the mess. Where are Granny and Apple Bloom?”

“I ain’t puttin’ one hoof in the same room as Apple Pie and Scarlet Tornado.” Apple Bloom peeked into the kitchen from another room.

Granny Smith slowly made her way into the kitchen, and chuckled as she looked around, “Well, looks like they all enjoyed themselves.” The elderly mare slapped a hoof onto Big Macintosh’s shoulder.

“Good Work sonny. Now I can die in peace.” Granny Smith turned her attention to Applejack, “But I want more Great-Grandbabies. Get to work.”

“Granny!” Applejack yelled in disbelief, as Big Macintosh blushed.

“Applejack, I don’t have much time left in this world.” Granny Smith solemnly shook her head, “I want to have that final joy of great grandfillies an’ colts. I mean look at Macintosh, He’s given me five smilin’ great grandfillies. Apple Bloom! You got yourself a coltfriend yet?”

“Granny, I ain’t old enough for that kinda thing.” Apple Bloom responded.

“Nonsense!” the old mare scoffed. “Ain’t no such thing as bein’ too young for love.”

Big Macintosh trotted out of the room, leaving the mares to argue among them. He trotted up the stairs, following the trail of crumbles, apple bits, and other pastry remains. He pushed open the bathroom door, to see Apple Pie, Scarlet Tornado, Sparkling Cider and Golden Gem fighting among themselves, as Garden Royal sat off to the side.

“QUIET.” Big Macintosh scolded the fillies, “Didn’t your mommas teach ya any manners?”

“Mommy said that a lady has to be able to be polite, courteous, kind, gentle, and know how to beat a pony up if she must.” Golden Gem sulked.

“Mom's too busy meeting with the other princesses.” Sparkling Cider looked down.

“Mom says manners aren’t important.” Scarlet Tornado stuck her tongue out at Apple Pie.

“NOPE!” Apple Pie stuck her own tongue out at Scarlet Tornado.

Big Macintosh sighed, “Alright, all of you in th’ tub.”

The fillies once again began to fight with one another, struggling to get into the tub. Big Macintosh sighed. Something tugged at Big Macintosh’s left fore hoof. Macintosh looked down; Garden Royal smiled.

“Can I go first?” the pegasus asked.

“You’re all getting’ in the tub at the same time.” Big Macintosh responded, “It’s easier for me t’ give all of you a bath at th’ same time.”

Big Macintosh picked up Garden Royal, and dropped her into the tub, followed by Apple Pie, Scarlet Tornado, Golden Gem and Sparkling Cider. The fillies began to splash one another, as the water filled the tub. Big Macintosh trotted off, looking for soap. He spun around at the sound of a massive splash and gasped. Scarlet Tornado struggled for breath as Apple Pie and Golden Gem laughed.

“HEY! That ain’t funny!” the half-drowned pegasus yelled at the other two.

“Cut that out.” The stallion scolded the fillies, “Now behave.”

The five fillies sulked as Big Macintosh began to scrub them clean.

“After this, can I go see mommy?” Sparkling Cider looked up at Macintosh as he washed the suds out of her hair.


“But it would take a few days to get to Canterlot.”

“We… aren’t goin’ to Canterlot.” Big Macintosh paused, “This ain’t your world.”

“… huh?” Sparkling Cider blinked.

“Whatever... Cousin Skyla did, it sent you to a parallel world.”


“Well, for starters, Twilight…er...your mom hasn’t been here very long. And I like a different pony.”

“Huh?” Sparkling Cider blinked in confusion.

“…It’s complicated.” The stallion sighed, “Now close yer eyes.”

The stallion took a bedpan, filled it with water and dumped it on the filly’s head. The process continued as Big Macintosh finished up Sparkling Cider, Apple Pie, Golden Gem, Scarlet Tornado and Garden Royal. Big Macintosh picked each filly out of the tub and began to dry them off.

“Alright, now that y’all are clean, you better stay that way. That means no fightin’, Scarlet, Apple Pie, Gem.”

“..Fine.” the three fillies sulked.

“Alright, now let’s go an’ get a room set up fer all'a y'all.”

The stallion pushed open the door and the fillies trotted out. The group descended the staircase, to find Granny Smith, Applejack and Apple Bloom arguing.

“Granny, It ain’t like that between me an’ Rainbow Dash!” Applejack yelled at the old mare.

“Good. Now you outta go an’ get yourself an actual coltfriend. How about that Caramel?” the Old Mare smiled.

“Granny, He’s got himself a marefriend.” Applejack retorted.

“What about Time Turner?”

“He’s got one too.”


“Got one.”

“Pokey Pierce?”

“He’s with Pinkie.”

“Boxy Brown?”


“Doc Stable?”

“Also married.”

The elderly mare paused in thought, “we outta send you ta’ Manehattan or some other place so you can look for a husband. What about you, Apple Bloom?”

“…I’m goin’ to my room.” The filly trotted off as Applejack and Granny Smith began to argue again. Big Macintosh coughed, catching the two mare’s attention.

“Granny, where’s th’ extra bed?”

“Oh, that. I’ll go fetch it. Girls, why don’t you help your old great-granny with it?”

“OK!” four of the fillies called out.

“…Okay.’ Garden Royal whispered.

The elderly mare hobbled off followed by the fillies, leaving Applejack and Big Macintosh alone.

“…what?” Big Macintosh questioned his sister.

“You’re taken this well. I mean after your date with Fluttershy, you come home to find that your kids from some other fancy sci-fi thing an’ you’re actin’ like there ain’t nothin’ wrong.” The mare commented.

“Panicking ain’t gonna do nothin’ is it?” the stallion countered.

“I suppose not.” Applejack muttered.

“…An’ there’s one other thing.” Big Macintosh added.

“What?” Applejack pressed on.

“I ain’t datin’ Fluttershy,” The stallion paused, unsure about continuing, “I’m datin’ Lyra Heartstrings.”

“…WHAT.” Applejack stared at him, jaw agape.


Big Macintosh, now sporting a black eye, pulled the blanket over the five fillies.

“Daddy, how’d you get a black eye?” Apple Pie inquired.

“…I’ll tell ya later. Now goodnight.”

“Goodnight kiss!” Scarlet Tornado chanted. The other fillies began to chant it with her. Big Macintosh sighed.


The fillies’ squeed as Big Macintosh kissed each one on the forehead.

“Now go to sleep.”

The stallion trotted over to his bed and collapsed on it. He began to fade into blissful sleep, but was suddenly awaked, as five hooves tugged at his.


“Daddy…” Apple Pie looked at Big Macintosh, her eyes large and watery, “Can we sleep with you?”

“…Fine. But no jumpin’, no fightin’, no none of that. Otherwise y’all are goin’ back into your bed.”

The five fillies scrambled into Big Macintosh’s bed and did their best to snuggle next to him. Soon the room was filled with the sound of snoring.



Big Macintosh was abruptly awoken as something landed on his stomach.

“Apple Pie!” the stallion bellowed, “What did I say?”

“It wasn’t me, daddy.” Apple Pie looked groggily at the stallion.


“HI PA!” Another voice called out.

Big Macintosh looked down. A new earth filly, cerise in color with a rose-grey mane and freckles beamed back at him.

“What the…”

Sparkling Cider poked her head out from under the covers.

“Who’re you?” the unicorn asked.

“I’m Acey Mac!” the filly’s grin grew, “I’m here ta see my daddy!”

“Your… daddy?” Big Macintosh blinked.

“EEYUP!” the filly responded.

The door to Big Macintosh’s room opened and three more ponies entered. The first pony was a unicorn colt with a bright red coat not unlike Big Macintosh’s. His cornflower blue mane is slicked back and around his shoulders is a small blue cape with a star pattern. Behind him are an earth pony filly with an orange-yellow coat and orange-red mane, and a pegasus filly with a dirty red-brown coat, fiery orange mane and freckles followed him.

“There he is.” The colt told the other two fillies, his voice tinged with a slight Neigh Orleans accent.

“What is goin’ on?”

Author's Note:

Thanks to Insanity X for proofreading.