• Published 2nd Mar 2013
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Crisis of Infinite Offspring - dramatic_spoon



Big Macintosh must deal with his various alternate universe offspring

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Date Night

Applejack pushed opened the front door and trotted up the stairs. As she reached the top, she caught Big Macintosh closing the door to his room.

“Big Macintosh, where are you off to now?”

“Town. I got somethin’ I gotta pick up, and then I got somethin’ else ta do.”

As the stallion spoke, Applejack noticed an odd smell coming from him.

“…Mac, why do you smell like that?” Applejack tried to block the smell from entering her nose. “Smells like somepony took a bath in rottin’ apples.”

“…well, uh…” the stallion stammered.

Applejack’s ears perked up in realization, “You’re wearin’ cologne? Why in Equestria do you need something like that?”

Instead of responding, the stallion remained silent, averting his gaze. Applejack smiled.

“I get it. You’re off ta Rarity’s ta’ pick something nice up for Fluttershy.”

“Well, it…” Applejack cut off Big Macintosh’s response.

“No need to explain yourself. You go and have fun.”

Applejack trotted off.

CAROUSEL BOUTIQUE

Big Macintosh quickly glanced around; making sure nopony had followed him. Satisfied, the stallion pushed open the door.

“One moment!” a voice called out. Rarity trotted out; her mane tied back in a messy ponytail, and her measuring tape wrapped around her neck. Her expression became startled once she realized Big Macintosh’s presence.

“Big Mac! I wasn’t expecting you for…” The fashionista snuck a glance at the clock, before doing a double take, “IT’S THAT LATE ALREADY!?! Oh, I am so sorry Mac, I was caught up in this dress for my date…I mean it’s not quite finished, but it’s…”

Rarity trailed off as Big Macintosh held up a hoof.

“Miz Rarity, I know yer very busy, but is the basic suit done?”

“Well, yes.” Rarity paused, “But I need…”

“Let me take a look, if you would?” the stallion politely asked.

“This way.”

Rarity lead Big Macintosh into the back room. Off to the side was a mannequin in Big Macintosh’s body size with a simple black jacket and dress shirt.

“It’s no where near what I would like it to be.” Rarity hastily apologized, “if you can just give me a little more ti-”

“It’s fine. She ain’t into the fancy stuff anyway.” Big Macintosh smiled, “Now, how much was it again?”

Shortly after

Big Macintosh exited the store, now clad in his new suit. A grey pegasus in his own suit touched down next to him.

“Lookin’ pretty sharp, Farm boy.” Thunderlane grinned.

“Ain’t lookin’ too bad yourself, Fly boy.” Big Macintosh grinned back, “You might wanna wait a bit, she’s tryin’ ta finish up her dress for yer date.”

“I figured.” Thunderlane shrugged, “Tell your date I said hi.”

“Eeyup.”

PONYVILLE CAFÉ

Big Macintosh trotted into the café. He stopped by the Maître d.

“Table for Macintosh?”

The Maître d quickly scanned the book of reservations in front of him.

“…Ah, yes. Right this way.”

The Maître d led Big Macintosh past other happy couples and nervous dates. She stopped by a table, blocking Big Macintosh’s view of his date.

“Here you are sir, a waiter should be here shortly.”

“Thank you kindly.”

The Maître d stepped out of the way, giving Big Macintosh a view of his date. She perked up and smiled.

“Hello Mac.”

“Hello Miz Heartstrings.” Big Macintosh took a seat at the table, across from Lyra. The unicorn laughed.

“Macintosh, we’ve been dating for what, Six months now? I think you can stop calling me that.” A mischievous grin crept onto Lyra’s face, “Unless you’re trying to tell me something…”

“No, no. Miz He- Lyra.” Big Macintosh quickly corrected himself, “It just don’t feel proper.”

“Mac, let it go.” Lyra vacantly waved her hoof, “Be casual. Relax a bit.”

Big Macintosh sighed. As he did so, his shoulders dropped slightly. “Alright.”

“Anyway, Happy Hearts and Hooves day.” Lyra smiled again.

“Same t’ you.” Big Macintosh smiled back.

“Ready to order?” the waiter inquired.

“I’ll have the Eggplant Parmesan.” Lyra responded.

“Th’ Apple and Rhubarb Pie seems fine.” Big Mac shrugged.

“As you wish.” The waiter trotted off. Lyra smirked at Big Macintosh.

“…What?”

“Is that really what you’re gonna get?” Lyra shook her head, “More apples?”

“I like apples.” Big Macintosh defensively countered.

“There’s more to life than just apples. Like pears and oranges.”

“Pears ain’t nothing to get worked up over.” Big Mac snorted, “they taste like mush. Oranges ain’t much better.”

“What about Pineapples?” Lyra pressed on.

“Never had one.” The stallion paused, pondering over the question, “Although I reckon it can’t be that bad if it’s got the word ‘Apple’ in it.”

Lyra rolled her eyes in amusement, “Flawless logic”, the mare deadpanned.

“I reckon so.” Big Macintosh chuckled. “But in all seriousness, I would probably have to try it before I give you an opinion on it.”

“Good.” Lyra beamed, “I’ll order one.”

“…It ain’t expensive is it?” Big Macintosh cautiously inquired, “I mean I-”

“Relax. I got it.” Lyra motioned to a waiter, “Can we get an order of those fancy fried pineapple rings?”

“Certainly.”

“Thank you kindly.” As the waiter trotted off, a smile crept onto Big Macintosh’s face. Lyra turned her attention back to her coltfriend, “…what?”

“’Thank you kindly?’” Big Macintosh chuckled, “That’s not something I expected a Canterlot girl th’ say.”

“I’m still a Ponyville girl at heart.” Lyra grinned back, “Besides, it’s only natural to pick up some of your significant other’s catchphrases, yes?”

“Eeyup.”

The waiter returned, levitating three plates with him. With professional flair, he set all three down. “Enjoy your meals.”

The waiter trotted off as Big Macintosh eyed the pineapple rings with suspicion.

“…are they suppose t’ look like that?”

“Mac, they’re battered and deep fried.” Lyra’s magical aura surrounded one of the rings, and levitated it towards Mac’s face. “Just try it.”

“I can feed myself.” Big Macintosh grumbled, “No need t-”

“Oh stop whining. I’m offering to you already.” Lyra rolled her eyes, “Besides, don’t you think it’s sort of romantic to be fed by your marefriend? I think it is.” The unicorn giggled.

“…sounds like something Rarity would say.” Big Macintosh noted, “But if it makes you happy.”

The stallion opened his mouth as Lyra moved the fried pineapple ring towards him. As he reached out to take a bit, Lyra yanked it out of his reach. The stallion glowered at her as she giggled.

“Sorry, sorry…this time for real.” Lyra continued to grin as she stammered out an apology.

“It ain’t funny.” Big Macintosh sulked.

The fried pineapple ring moved towards Mac’s mouth, this time staying in place as he took a bite out of it. The stallion’s expression became uncertain as he chewed and swallowed.

“It ain’t bad.” He admitted.

“Told you.” Lyra grinned, “Bonbon likes to use them for some of the candies she makes.”

The two began to work their way through the pineapple rings. Big Macintosh paused before sticking his own fork in the last one.

“Go ahead and take it.” Lyra waved a hoof.

“Eenope. My turn to feed you.”

Big Macintosh picked up the back of the fork with his teeth. The stallion leaned over the table, offering the final pineapple ring to Lyra… only for it to slip off the fork and land on top of the table cloth. Both ponies blinked in momentary surprise before laughing.

“Nice.” Lyra’s magical aura lifted the ring off the table and towards her, “Still, it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?”

“Eeyup.” Big Macintosh sheepishly grinned, fork still in his mouth.

Lyra chuckled once again before popping the last ring into her mouth. After she swallowed it, she paused in thought.

“So,” Lyra began, “Did you tell your family yet?”

“…” Big Macintosh dropped the fork onto his plate, “not quite… I reckon Apple Bloom and Granny Smith have got it figured out, but neither of them have said anything. Applejack still thinks I’m dating Fluttershy for some reason.”

Lyra burst into hearty laughter, slamming her hoof onto the table. She continued to laugh, even as other ponies in the restaurant began to give her dirty looks. After another minute of laughter, she finally calmed down, panting heavily.

“Oh that is hilarious.” Lyra gasped, “Why does she think that?”

“Hell if I know. I know th’ first time she set tried ta’ get me back into the datin’ scene, she set me up with her.” Big Macintosh paused, “You ever been stuck in a restaurant with two hours o’ silence?”

Lyra snickered, “I can see that.”

“Next was Rainbow Dash.” Macintosh shook his head at the memory of that particular date, “Girl can talk, that’s for sure. Too bad it’s all about her an’ th’ Wonderbolts.”

“Of course.”

“Then was Miss Rarity.” Big Macintosh paused, “She’s a very nice mare, just not my type.”

“…I can imagine that.” Lyra nodded, “It explains where you got your suit.”

“Eeyup. We’re just friends now. Her coltfriend ain’t a bad fella either.”

“Oh, what’s his name, Boltroad? No…” Lyra tilted her head to the side as she thought, “Lightning Street?”

“Thunderlane.” Big Macintosh corrected.

“Ah, that was it. He seems like a nice guy.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac took a bite out of his pie before continuing, “And then was Twilight.”

Lyra blinked at the mental image of Big Macintosh and Twilight on a date. She stifled a snicker before continuing “…how did that go?”

“…I don’t want t’ talk about that.” Big Macintosh shivered.

“…Does this have something to with…”

“Eeyup.” Big Macintosh interrupted Lyra. “We ain’t talkin’ about that again.”

Lyra chuckled, “Oh, Bonbon would love to hear that story….”

“…Why do you live with her anyway?” Big Macintosh inquired, “I mean; I was mighty surprised to find out you were my blind date, considering that…” Macintosh grimaced, “You know what they say ‘bout you an’ Miss Bonbon.”

Lyra scowled, “Seriously, I want to find out who spread that rumor, so I can buck ’em in the face. We’re friends. It’s cheaper to share the house and the rent than it is for each of us to live separately.”

“Ah. Makes sense.” Big Macintosh took another bite out of his pie, “Still, rumors are rumors. Ponies’ll believe them even if all the evidence points to th’ contrary.”

“…I suppose so.” Lyra shrugged, “Anyway, we better eat this before it gets too cold.”

“Eeyup.”

Later, outside of the café.

“Well, Mac, As usual, it’s been nice.” Lyra smiled, “You sure you don’t want to come over for coffee?”

“I’m sorry, but tomorrow is gonna be a busy day.” Big Macintosh apologized, “Maybe after I get all th’ planting and all done.”

“That a promise?” Lyra’s face broke into a mischievous grin.

The farm stallion paused in thought, before a grin crept onto his face, “Eeyup.”

Lyra stretched up and kissed Macintosh on the cheek, “See you then.”

The unicorn turned, playfully drawing her tail across Big Macintosh’s face. The stallion blushed as Lyra trotted off.

“Hell of a mare, that Lyra, hell of a mare.” Big Macintosh shook his head as he turned to head back to the farm.

SWEET APPLE ACRES

Big Macintosh paused in front of the house, “….Well, I guess I should tell AJ tonight. Otherwise tomorrow mornin’.”

Before he could start up the stairs, Applejack trotted out of the house. The two stared at each other for a moment, and then Applejack scowled. She started towards Big Macintosh, her facial expression growing more and more infuriated by the step.

“…Somethin’ a ma-”.

Applejack interrupted the stallion’s question with a hoof to his face. Big Macintosh, caught off guard, stumbled backwards, down the stairs. Applejack quickly followed up and smashed her hoof into his face once again.

“HOW COULD YOU!?!?” the farm mare yelled. “How could you do that to my friends without tellin’ me?!?!”

“Applejack, what are you talkin’ about?” Big Macintosh clutched his face while backing away from the mare, “…I can smell whiskey on your breath.”

“DON’T YOU GO ACTIN’ ALL INNOCENT ON ME!” the Mare stabbed an accusing hoof at him, “You know exactly what the hell ya did, and I can’t believe it!”

“Applejack…”

“DON’T GO APPLEJACKIN’ ME!” the mare walked around the stallion and pushed him towards the house.

“Applejack just what is goin’ on?” Big Macintosh protested.

Applejack ignored the stallion and forced him into the house with a mighty push. The stallion stumbled through the doorway and collapsed onto the floor.

“What’s gottin’ into you, Applejack?”

“Look at that, and tell me.” Applejack jabbed a hoof at the scene in front of the two of them.

Granny Smith sat in her rocking chair with three young fillies; one pegasus and two unicorns, in front of her, listening to her story. One of the unicorns had a mulberry coat and her blue mane had a single orange streak running down it, while the other possessed a white coat and a carefully cared for blonde mane. The pegasus filly, with a red coat and long pink mane remained between the two of the unicorns, trying her best to remain unnoticed. All three were engrossed in Granny Smith’s story, oblivious to the scene behind them.

“..and just when ya thought things couldn’t get any worse, Applejack ended up in th’ cake, sendin’ chunks of it all over th’ place. An’ Uncle and Aunty Orange got into one heck of a screamin’ fit over that.” The old mare chuckled at the memory, “an’ that’s why we’re no longer welcomed at that restaurant. Not that we need any fancy smancy food like that.”

The two unicorns began to laugh at the story, while the pegasus meekly smiled. Apple Bloom trotted into Big Macintosh’s view; her bow dirty and her mane disheveled.

“Granny, I can’t take it any more, I wanted ta play with th’ two of them bu-”

Apple Bloom is cut off as a scarlet blur and a magenta blur smashed into her, sending the filly tumbling forwards. As the dust settled, a scarlet pegasus filly with a rainbow mane and a magenta earth pony filly with a fleecy, curly pink mane grinned at each other before turning their attention to Apple Bloom.

“We wanna do it again!” The rainbow-maned filly grinned at Apple Bloom.

“Again! Again!” the magenta filly bounced up and down in excitement.

Instead of responding, Apple Bloom let out an anguished groan as her head dropped to the floor with a thunk. The exhausted look on the filly’s face faded once she noticed Big Macintosh.

“Big Mac! Thank goodness yer’ back!”

The five other fillies perked up at the mention of his name and spun around to look in the same direction of Apple Bloom. The five grinned and darted toward Big Macintosh. Each one skidded to a halt and they lined up, all facing Big Macintosh. The farm stallion pulled himself off the floor and into a sitting position as he scanned the fillies. As he studied them he noticed that each of the fillies looked remarkably like the other Elements of Harmony.

In a flash of insight, he realized one other thing. Before he could respond or react to his revelation, the two unicorns, earth pony and the scarlet pegasus threw themselves at him, embracing him with a bear hug.

“DADDY!”

Author's Note:

Thanks to Insanity X for proofreading.