• Member Since 28th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen May 27th, 2017

Nightrein


T
Source

Stricken with amnesia after a lead shower, one stallion must face the harsh Marejave Desert in order to discover his past and forge his future. Without even a name for himself, and only one poor lead to follow, can he truly survive?

Google Docs version can be found here.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 46 )

Not bad, will continue to follow.
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

As admin of the Fallout Equestria group will I just say one thing... Welcome to the heard

Obligatory "Because we needed another one" comment here.
fluttershy.pl/moon/src/1359726938363.jpeg

2204183
Don´t mind him, he is just your generic Fo:E hater that can´t understand why Fo:E is so popular

Oh, mister Pones are nice guy. He just have his own style, let's say. :rainbowlaugh: :ajsmug:

I like this story comrade! Well, beginning is too 'New Vegassy' for my taste, but otherwise.. good. Characters, details, I like it all. I really hope what story will not be epic.
Keep it up. :twilightsmile:

Made some small edits and some good news! New chapter will be coming soon, so sorry for the wait! Read the Intro's Author's Note for more info!:pinkiehappy:

Good chapter, mate. Look, do not say me there will ne mr.house, legion, and all that kind of crap. Only one fact that the glorious FoE NCR showed up like pathetic NV NCR is enough.
He needs full body heavy armor and nickname like HELLCHARGER.

2505620 Ahm... thanks?
Also, whilst I do intend to implement the Legion at some point, my character is not the Courier, so New Vegas as a city won't hold too much relevance, nor will Mr. House.

I realize several people, apparently yourself included, are anti-NV fanatics, but that's not my point of view. Sorry if that's a disappointment.:applejackunsure:

2507915
I like NV more than any other Fallout chapter. Simply because it's not bring questions as "how the fuck all this people survived so long?",
You know I am read all of them. All of FoE stories. How much of them use NV? How you think?
"Heroes" took NV as basis for Dise city. And it contain mr.house (ghoul there), and... this is all... everything else original. Also stories as New pegas, Viva las Pegasus, what use place and some plot elements but everything else original, Also stories, that use courier begining, but everything else original...
Got it? New Vegas is overused already. And you just make your own another New Vegas in another desert, With another Legion and another mr.house. Got it? At least use some stuff from our "big FoE cannon". 'Remnants' from PH or 'New Roam Legion' from 'New Roam', instead of some random "legion". Something like that. And if you want completely "your own story" then make something truely original, in some other lands. Equestria is a country for fuck's sake not planet. And SPP towers covers only it's central region. Fuck, dunno, It's you to decide what to write. But I am not NV hater, not even close. :ajsmug:
And I will read it anyway. I am care only about characters in stories. Plot only must be not unlogical.

2512111
I think I understand what your concern is, and thank you for voicing it. I understand English isn't your first language, so I mean no offense when I say your messages are a little unclear. I've not been around in the FoE fandom as long as you apparently have, and I've not read too many of them myself. If a NV-centric theme is so horribly overused, then... whoops. It's a bit late for me to change everything now. And I realize that the sheer magnitude of how many fanfics like this create this ungodly number of Marejave's and what-have-you, but if mine gets lumped in with all the rest and doesn't coincide with the "canon" properties apparently set before my story... then I've made the horrible mistake of making a "non-canon" FoE fic. As far as I can tell, as of yet, there are a lot of highly unique qualities to my story that, barring unforeseen circumstances, should offset this apparently boring and generic opening.

I apologize if I misinterpreted your messages in any way, and thank you for the feedback. I hear that's a rare commodity around these parts.:twilightsmile:

Chapter 3. It's here. It's a thing. It's really, really delayed. But it's here at last.

well you could space the paragraphs so it's easier to but it's still good

Oh, yay! :yay: I like it! Damn, he need some heatproof armor. :ajsmug:

Looks good, written well. I approve.:pinkiehappy:

The one waving probably knows him somehow or another good chapter again :yay:

Damn good chapter! Keep writting it. :twilightsmile:

3155667
Thanks! I'm glad to see comments supporting the chapter; I was worried it would be received as some kind of filler.

I saw your thread and I know you feel so I think I'll check your story out :pinkiesmile:

just encountered the vault that had the people that suicided in new vegas, now im not sure whether i should continue in the game or wait for the next chapter

3852959
You can play ahead, don't let me stay you. :rainbowlaugh:
It shouldn't actually spoil much of anything from the next chapter.

3855138 heh, i actualy gave up exploring the place, not high enough in certain skills an ended up drowning a few times, curious as to what other fallout references your going to throw in

3784162 Same, though I already have a long reading list and stories to edit so it might take some time... :facehoof:

I have downloaded all of the chapters and i put all of them into an ebook that i made on my latpop! And i am going to read it tonight when i go to sleep!

Technology for the win - :twilightsmile:

“Headache medicine,” I said, drinking the whole jar down and immediately feeling the relief, “glorious.”

This is rather awkward. Either "Glorious" should be it's own declaration, or it should be with the other two spoken words.

I started to follow skydive.

Capitalize the name.

Wait… no… not just her… all of New Trottingham.

Alright, you're overdoing it with the ellipsis. Most of those should be commas. Same goes for elsewhere in the fic.

It was like listening to an angry butterfly.

Alright, that's some nice imagery right there. Of course, this being the wasteland, an angry butterfly can probably suck out your brains through your ear or something.

Next on the list was a small town by the name of Prim.

The New Vegas comparisons are getting to be really obvious here.

explosive and gun efficiencies,

Pretty sure that's not the word you want. Unless they're some kind of efficiency experts. Maybe you were thinking afficionados?

“The stalker immediately let go of the leg, whimpering as I’s mouth was burned horribly.

No quotation marks, and "I's" should be "its".

Alright, generally, it's pretty good. The mystery of what's happening to Fuck (I'm calling him that from now on) is good, and I like Skydive and Crutches. That said, his thoughts are honestly a little too "game-y" for me; it feels like someone doing a free-writing process about playing a game, rather than someone living in the FOE universe. Having it set post-Gardens is good too IMO, but it does feel way too much like New Vegas, especially with Nightstalkers thrown in with no change. Your writing could use some technical polishing for spelling and grammar, but overall it's pretty good and certainly no worse than the original. Overall, I'd give it a 7/10; worth reading but in need of help.

3859096
Thanks much for the errors, I'll get on fixing them asap. I do/will start to veer away from NV-hugging asap. (not my best decision, I'm sure.)

the large roller coaster helped me keep track of the distance we covered.

This ... is not really descriptive. So many better ways to describe it as they grow closer, such as "growing larger as we closed the distance" or "slowly rising over the broken hills along the road".

“Kind of,” Skydive turned back around and began to trot again, “but drop it.

Again, the dialog needs to be together. Nothing in there is a speaking word, and I don't think she's telling him in interpretive dance.

I had freaky strength and a burning touch.

Truly, he's a hunka hunka burnin' love. :trollestia:

“You’re… not thinking of going in there, are you?”

What kind of Wasteland wanderers would we be if we didn't?

“Why? We can help them,” I pushed.

Needs to be its own paragraph.

“You’ve saved me. Twice at this point.

Starting here, every paragraph is double-indented for quite a ways.

That thing hurt, too, I doubted I could take too many blows.

Shouldn't his freaky body heat be setting it on fire? OK, it's metal, so warping it or otherwise ruining its condition?

His skull was no more difficult to break than glass under this unnatural strength I possessed.

This is a good example of a very passive sentence. As a general rule, if the primary verb is a "was ___" it's too passive. Something like "His skull shattered like glass under my unnatural strength." is both active, and shorter.

Why hadn’t I cared then?

Because they're big dumb animals and this is a pony.

Crystal Gangers

That sounds like they're a bunch of meth heads.

I thought you were either trying to play Lightbringer

In the sense of Prometheus, or Lucifer?

It wasn’t a no!

Way to sound like a Nice Guy™. I hope this isn't indicative of the shipping involved. :ajbemused:

I looked across the road at where the dead body lie

*lay

Basset’s not worth yer life.”

He's not worth a bottle of water, the twit.

Wouldn’t it belong to whoever runs this place?

Nonsense! It's not stealing unless they catch you!

You’re the towns fucking deputy, so step it up!”

*town's, since he belongs to them. (Though personally I think they should trade him.)

I got him killed instead.

Eh, no big loss. I usually try to make sure he's dead anyway.

2507915 I'm not a NV hater (I love the game) but I agree with Regolit - I hope future chapters do go further afield of the NV plotline. Not because I don't like it, but because fanfics that adhere closely to video game plots tend to be really fucking boring. The most interesting parts of this fic come from the interaction between Fuck (yes I'm still calling him that) and Sky, while the rest of it leans strongly towards, "*yawn* I've seen this before."

before suddenly jolting out of it and several feet in front of me.

This feels like you accidentally a word.

Its clip ran dry after a moment.

One of the things I made sure to check for my own fic was terminology. Guns have magazines. Clips are used to put bullets into magazines. I blame Hollywood for the mix-up.

I kept needing that friend so save my ass because I was so worthless!

*to save

Much better than the last two chapters, or at least fewer mistakes I found.

3859380
Thanks for all you're doing, it's greatly appreciated. Would you mind sending these in PM's, however? If only to keep to comments section from being covered in mega posts like the one for Ch02. (in case my writing gets all bad again.:derpytongue2:)

“Ya can get out.”

He's a pretty lousy merchant.

I can message you from here

How? Either that doctor is hiding one hell of a powerful transmitter tower, or there's a series of repeater towers spread out?

He could no longer breath;

*breathe

Apparently objects I touched didn’t get overheated, which was good.

If you could control it, this would be a downside. Super-heating a raider's armor while he's wearing it would be awesome.

“Ya can get out.”

He's a pretty lousy merchant.

I can message you from here

How? Either that doctor is hiding one hell of a powerful transmitter tower, or there's a series of repeater towers spread out?

He could no longer breath;

*breathe

Apparently objects I touched didn’t get overheated, which was good.

If you could control it, this would be a downside. Super-heating a raider's armor while he's wearing it would be awesome.

This book… more or less, I think it would help you to see what’s in it.

So ... he just got Random Encounter: Mormon Missionaries. Oooookay.

3859472 NEVAR! Mega* posts 4 life! :derpytongue2:

If I hadn’t trusted her in the first place, and she didn’t like Tamber, then Tamber was likely on my side.

Ah, so now it's just a question of how and when Tamber is going to betray them.

I was just another monster…

Sounds like he's got something in common with Hired Gun.

The Stable is relatively close to hear,

*here (unless it's abnormally loud, I suppose)

*: Actual size may vary.

I'd suggest finding an editor who can regularly edit your work for you. There's a few grammatical errors and clunky sentences here and there. 'Sides that, I see nothing else wrong. The story is quite refreshing, actually.

Just to correct your description for this story, its the Marejave Desert (since the RL counterpart is called the Mojave)

4987780
...how did I not notice that... :facehoof: thank you!

4988352 sorry for pointing it out, my attention to detail makes me see these things. But i'm glad to have helped.

4988359
No need to apologize, things like that are a blessing. If you happen across anything else, please let me know.

Nice Stable, though it does seem slightly familiar, only the method of choosing is different.

Also seems a little odd that this bunch of oddball geniuses and nobody came up with a method to defeat whatever the evil plan was behind the sacrificial room.

Also also, who does maintenance down there? Automated turrets don't maintain themselves, yanno. Parts wear out, corrosion sets in - all they'd really need to do is flood that part of the Stable and they'd be set. (I know, that wouldn't really fit the Fallout portion of our crossover, where nothing ever really wears out or breaks down, except the weapons and armor you use.)

5015169
As much as I dislike throwaway responses(Like this one is about to be): Arcanotech was hella advanced in wartime Equestria - specifically, it seems, in enchanted geodes. We have crystals and gems designed to purify water, emit lasers and/or plasma, and enable machines to lock onto targets. They're like hyper-advanced microchips. In all likelihood, there could be enchantments designed to prevent standard wear-and-tear on the machine. And that's all aside from the metal simply being immunized to rust, which probably wouldn't be too hard.

Plus: This is Stable-Tec. They always build to last. Who knows how Pip-bucks last through hell and high water like they do? They have their secrets.:raritywink:

5016876 Well, magic would (I imagine) make it easier to resist the implacable force of entropy, but it's one of the minor things about the Fallout universe that bug me.

Also it's amusing to think of one sociopathic pony who heads downstairs every year to give the turrets a tune-up and make sure they're working properly for the annual sacrifice. :pinkiecrazy:

2831316
Technically speaking, he IS heat proof armor. If you mean the bulletproof variety, yeah. Definitely some anti-heat, anti-bullet armor.

Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)

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