- Member Since 20th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Last Thursday
jmj
All that I touch seems to break in my hands, then it just bursts into flames.
jmj
Joined 20th Apr, 2012 ·
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This is a love story. It's about a pair of lonely souls who have found their one and only within one another and the lengths to which one will go to maintain the love they have found. Sure, it's a darkfic and it gets pretty rough at a few points, but underneath it is about true love and the loss of it.
"I say, yeah buddy. Rollin' like a big shot.
Chevy Tuned up like a Nascar pit stop.
Fresh paint job.(check) Fresh inside (check)
Is the outside frame in the trunk wide? (Yes!)
Are the rims big?(What?)
Do it ride good?(Huh!)
Lean back right hand on the pinewood.
Cream on the inside, clean on the outside. Ice cream paint job.
WOO!
Clean on the outside, cream on the inside Ice Cream paint job.
Got screens on the dash, watching saved by the bell
Gotta house by the bayside.(bayside)
yeah I'm livin' like that. (like that)
And I'm ridin' like that. (like that)
Boy I'm ridin'g liek that
and the sturring wheel wood like a baseball bat."
title simple yet great
this better get more comments :P
why do you ask?
simple it deserves them talk ponies talk!
Fuck, man. Fuck.
Just. Just fuck.
(don't stop)
I thought it was nice, in a twisted sort of way.
After becoming a bit more cogent after breathing for a few minutes, this story is amazing and anyone reading through the comments unsure should definitely check it out.
Well, the good news is that I don't see an over abundance of dislikes.
Looks like we might have been wrong again J.
Holy cow. That was ... so sick and twisted, yet so ... romantic. Definitely an amazing perspective. I can't help but wonder where you'll take this story, since it's apparently incomplete.
... If you'll excuse me, I ... just have a little liquid pride in my eyes ...
Well... That made me profoundly uncomfortable. I'm sure that's what you were going for, but... Yeah, no. No.
*looks back* oh, right. You're the same guy that wrote Gutterloo.
*shudder*
Sorry mate, not my bag. I'm gonna try to remember your name so next time I don't make the mistake of taking Bats' suggestion. Yikes.
all i can say is sweet!
2195733
If you don't like Dark fiction don't read my stuff, you won't like it. Especially if the extremely light-hearted Gutterloo makes you shudder. It's a nursery rhyme compared to everything else and I don't write gorey stories. At the same time, I suppose I can see how this one creeped you out. Funny though. I thought their relationship was beautiful and I felt like crying near the end because of how touching it was. Shocking, sir. Shocking.
2195968
Sweet indeed. Thank you.
2195221
I love this comment.
2195690
Thanks ... bit of an oversight though. it's finished where it is. I corrected the mistake. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I admit that seeing what happens to AJ could be fun but I don't believe in sequels.
2196017 Mate, I'm fine with dark. I just prefer my dark to be closer to Stephen King than "120 Days of Sodom" is all.
A few notches more distressing than the hairier parts of "The Immortal Game" is about as far as I'm willing to go.
I enjoy a good miserable psycho, even, but I prefer them to be the villain.
2196028
You do realize Stephen King has child molestation in nearly every one of his books? That's much closer to 120 days in Sodom than anything i've written including this wonderful love story here. Not to mention his depraved scenes of women licking filth from the floor while naked and the detail in which he describes the splinters and lacerations she was recieving the entire time. Or the way he described Jake's testicles popping like tiny tomatoes, the gangbang scene on Bev in "It", the sociopathic handjob/blowjob combo that Henry recieved from another male kid in "It". The old man who blatantly told jake he planned to rape him to death, The Leper who kept telling kids he'd blow them, the man with the "club penis" in The talisman. That Stephen King? It sounds as though you haven't read much of his work.
On one hand, the story succeeded as art. It made me feel things for the characters and events. It even managed to do this much better than most stories I have read on this site.
On the other hand, the things I felt I did not want to feel. hmmm. congragulations, regardless.
2196129
Lol. Your comment is the best I've seen. Thank you so much. I read Bats post about his upcoming Appledash story and immediately I thought of the dynamic between RD and AJ in my Pinkamenace II Society story. I had been thinking about writing something more about them and it finally clicked. Typically, I don't write outside of the dark genre but I found a way to blend romance and dark together with this one. Despite the things they do you can see how much they care for one another. Dash is willing to ... do what she does...(no spoilers for those who read comments first) in order to solidify her love for Aj while AJ sacrifices much of herself to give Dash what it is she wants. I'm glad that you understood much of the message I was giving and I also appreciate pushing through to the end. It's a horrific kind of love. A pitiful kind of love, but it is love.
Not my personal cup of tea but good job; very well written. I enjoyed how well you wrote out the entire thing from the perspective that you chose and how much that stayed "in character" for the frame of the story.
2196180
I've been writing Ah've and things like singin' nonstop because of this story. I'm a southerner myself so I know how we sound, therefore, writing AJ is easy. Her accent is a little more Texas than mine, but many of our sentence structures and pronunciations are similar. Her voice actress does a great job impersonating a southern accent. Also, I thought writing completely in AJ's perspective would add to the emotion. We, through AJ's eyes, deal with intangibles. She knows her feelings for Dash but she doesn;t know Dash's anymore. It's a universal medium. Through AJ we reflect our own life experiences of troubled relationships. We're forced to try and figure out another person's mind when we can;t truly know it. We experience that struggle in this story through Applejack. I actually planned on doing a little more with that and the middle piece of this story is weaker than I would have liked, but I think it still is there. I don't know if these were things you were picking up on, but I try to include themes and universal ideas in my stories no matter how much they seem just like a bunch of words clumsily constructed into semi-crude sentences. Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed it, check out my other stuff. I don;t typically write romance, as I said, but there are similar themes and assumptions buried throughout all of my stories.
Oh and I actually dislike clop to the Nth degree. This story pushes my boundaries when it comes to what I think is acceptable. Not so much the whole fetish stuff. That was a plot device to help stimulate the ending and was a required part of the story no matter how out there it was, but when I had to mention their climaxes it sort of made me want to stop writing, but I thought it was a necessary evil for this story.
Warning: spoilers
I....am...deeply disturbed by this story. I don't know why I didn't stop reading it at first when I saw how extremely sado-masochistic AJ and RD go....sooo not my cup of tea. But it was oddly sweet, at the same time. And while I can't say I liked it, I also can't say I hated it. Which bugs me to no end. I think I'll refer to another commenter's comment - the story succeeded as art.
I think one of the other times I've felt this way was after watching "Kiwi!". The whole idea of how far someone will go for their passion - even die for it. It, like this fic, left me feeling uneasy at the not-so-but-kinda-actually-happy ending.
Ugh, the sad thing is, I knew where this story was going from the moment something was wrong with Dash, and then I knew how it was getting there when Dash asked something of AJ. And I don't really read fics that are sad, tragic, or gorey (most people don't know how to do it right) and I JUST. KEPT. READING. It's like, what the hell?! The premise wouldn't let me go, and I had to keep reading until the end.
So bravo for making a story that managed to leave me feeling both like I'm about to throw up from the physical part of their relationship, but also like my heart is swelling from the sweetness of the emotional part of their relationship. I honestly don't know how to process this, so I'm going to stop typing now, heh.
That is all.
Holy shit.
Since you've gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please
Ah... ah... this one.
You know the PMs we traded? The ones in which you said things. Things like "your idea is better, but I'll stick to mine" regarding this story? Yes, that line right there.
That's absolute bullshit.
I think you told me about some other story. While this follows what you described to me, it isn't what you described to me! This is something different altogether. I have to admit that I was kind of doubtful, seeing as you don't like clop (and, I guess, shipping by extension). But rest assured: you didn't disappoint. Not a bit!
This story is fucking beautiful. Simply fucking wonderful. It is so... vile, perverse, but so appealing at the same time. Carnal... visceral... oh, by the gods, I think I'm in love with this story. I've seldom seen emotion written so... raw. So fresh. I'm not into clop. I'm not into S&M either. On the contrary, I think I'm pretty "standard" when it comes to sex. But fuck me, AJ's being a poet working with prose, here. Her love, passion, desire, thirst is infecting. There is no other word that better describes her: infecting.
With that said, I do have one little point that I found rather... misplaced in this story: Language. Like I said, AJ's being a poet working with prose. She is excellent with it. Almost too excellent! I don't want to fall down to stereotypes against the southern part of the U.S. of A., nor do I want to say "it's not canon that AJ is intelligent". I just think that some lil' explanation regarding AJ's unknown cultured self would be a good thing (or not... you have to evaluate this, not me.
). It may be being a lil' nitpickish.... but I'm not sure if:
A) It would be good to the story or,
B) It would be detrimental because it takes the focus away from RainbowJack...
Another little thing: AJ is shown to be a bad actress... but then again, she wasn't acting for orgasms on that episode, was she?
To close this comment: I'm not ashamed in the slightest to admit that I'm glad (and happy and somewhat relieved) that AJ did what was asked of her. My eyes are a little moist, I admit.
PS: The word loin rolls rather pleasingly on the tongue, no?
PPS: 2196103 This is one of the best "stop being a retard, please" comments I've ever, ever seen! But it is true. It would be plain stupid to compare this to 120 Days of Sodom (which is a nice book, I'll give you that... but it leaves so much to be desired) or Stephen King.
PPPS: Guess what story is goin' to get featured on One-Shots group on June (or May, if someone fails to reach the requirements)? Bingo. More of that on a PM!
PPPPS: Happy day-you're-celebrating!
Wow, that was intense. I'll mirror another poster's comments and say that it made me feel things I didn't want to feel. I think you accomplished what you set out to do, so good job.
2196308
Thanks for the great comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it and the writing drew you past the S and M stuff going on. Despite it being the prominent chunks of the story, it's not about that. It happens to be how these two weirdos got together and how they found their special somepony. it also happens to be the salvation for their problem. I was hoping for reactions like this. "It made me read it. i didn't even want to, but I had to!" I actually kind of like Appledash although I'm not into shipping, myself. I just thought it would be a fun little story and a good dark adventure into a twisted, but real, relationship. If you've read my earlier comments you'll know more about my thoughts goign into the story. Also, when I read something and I'm just stuck going "What... the hell was that? I don't know how to deal with it" they usually become some of my favorite stories (with the exception of Stephen King's Dark Tower series, in which I felt like I'd wasted 6 months of my life) Thank you for reading.
2196561
Love this comment, thanks. I think it sums up the story and the "That is All" makes me laugh.
2196616
Glad you liked it. Thanks for the follow.
2196831
I didn't know these lyrics as I don't like that song, but my wife was going through the comments and said "Tainted Love. Good" and I think they are the perfect words to express the feeling in the story. Bravo, sir.
2196898
Thanks. I'll send you a PM since my response is liable to be long and I don't want to destroy the space in the comments section any more than I already have.
Oh, but let me say in Southern style, "We's gotta learned ta be writin' better'n'at. Applejyack sure twks funny. It's a makin' me laigh. That ain't how we's tawks." Lol. I could have written the whole thing like that, I suppose. I get your point, I just wanted to say something funny. And yeah, I may overplay her intellect a bit too much but I feel like the bias towards the Appalachian region needs to be addressed some. Therefore, she is written more intelligent so people just don't look at her and say "What an ignorant hick." I told you about my trip to California to meet some in-laws where the immediately asked if I watched Nascar and if we had electricity? Yeah... I gotta defend my region some, sir.
This story is fine. Not too bad, but not too great either:
Character-wise
AJ feels too simple as a character: she basically jumps between three states "Ah love RD", "Pain is magic", and "Why RD doesn't love me?" with not much variation.
RD is better: she doesn't seem to have just several distinct states.
She even can remember existence of external world during sexy times -- "We really have to get that fixed" -- for AJ anyone besides RD seems to be just an obstacle between her and RD.
Plot-wise
It's quite strange that Dash's wish is not stated explicitly until the very last moment:
First, considering all these "and how far one is willing to go to maintain [love]. It's, in it's ownw ay, a beautiful love story, but keep in mind who this story is coming from" it can't be considered as a twist.
Second, we don't see AJ's thought process about killing her friend. Well, we see "I hope she'll change her mind" and "OMG, that's so hot", but that's it. What we don't see is drama: thoughts about killing one's friend are usually quite dramatic and interesting.
So, this love story shows us more actions than feelings.
Concept-wise this reminds DarkEquestria's HamGravy's stuff:
Rarity and Silver Spoon had similar relationships, where both parties enjoyed the abuse.
Rarity and Sweetie Bell had talk similar to "special fetish love that made us feel alien to the world"(to dismay of SB)
I never understood how pain can feel good to some people, and because I read like there is always a story before and after whatever I'm reading... what was done with the body and how did AJ get away with it?
2197127
Damn. I haven't actually read anything by HamGravy. The foalcons tuff is a line I won't cross so it's something I can;t go into.
I can see your point about her thoughts. I dono if I necessarily agree, but I do think that the part where she leaves the house to be alone is awfully short. I thought about that last night while I was editing and added a couple sentences to it, but its still short.
AJ's states are written that way on purpose. It was to help her seem strange. In this story she is an outlier to society and her emotional states are subject to irrational swings because of it. It was to show how broken she was mentally without having to analyze ehrself. She says things like "I'm sick and so is Dash" but she doesn't know how strange she is. Her states are a representation of her emotional problems. For her, the world is RD. it's her single focus. She doesn;t dislike her family but she's disconnected from them. That's why she thought something like "Apple Bloom was yammerin' away about somethin' she did with Scootaloo..." She loves her sister, but she may be a bit socipathic and when something is bothering her she detaches herself from the needs of others to focus on what it is causing her problems.
2197137
Those are questions that are extremely good but, unfortunately, for the purposes of the story they are irrelevant. Many many many stories neglect to answer those non-text whys. THis is one, although, if I had to come up with something, I'd say she buried RD in the dirt ground of their chamber and told her family that RD and her had been unable to fix their problems and it was best that she just leave. That, of course, brings up the question of how would the others not suspect her? They would but that's a problem that doesn;t need an answer.
or maybe she keeps the body hidden and still makes love to it. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.
2197201
Ya, that's about what I came up with but I've learned that usually the author has better ideas than I do so thought I might as well ask.
In regards to necrophilia... I could see it happening, that's actually similar to a story idea that I had where the protagonist is mostly normal during the day but sleeps with a corpse of either their significant other or a close sibling at night (not very original but I'm not really an author).
2197235>>2197201
As long as we're speculating what happened immediately after the credits closed, here's my take (WARNING TO PEEPS READING THROUGH COMMENTS, SPOILERS):
Applejack would stay there for minutes or hours, locked in the embrace after Rainbow's life had completely ebbed away. Slowly, the feeling of love and completeness she had successfully grasped in the moment of passion would bleed out like her lover had. Eventually she would be standing there, wrapped around the lifeless remains of her soulmate, devoid of feeling. Empty. Forever empty. It would become an unbearable emptiness that she would know could never be refilled without Rainbow Dash. Hesitantly she'd pick up the knife, turning the blade to face in instead of out. Soon, they would be together again. Soon they would both feel love and be loved. She'd plunge it deep, filling the void that had been left in her soul. She'd drape her slowly-draining body over the lifeless corpse and feel only love and happiness.
But that's my two cents on the matter.
2197038 You don't like The Police? really? oh well, you are entitled to listen to whatever music you like.
Ugh, a story written entirely in AJ-ian. I can't stand those. Ugh. It doesn't make sense to me, to do it that way; if it's supposed to be "written" by AJ, do you think she actually writes out "Ah" instead of "I"? If it's supposed to be someone else recording' AJ's narration, it makes more sense for them to do that, but not by much. Yewd mite az well rite evereething with ae litteral-pronuntsiashun spelling for every aksent. It looks weird, but that's how I say it. Except that it's difficult to read.
This sort of writing has its place, but when used to excess, it's incredibly annoying.
That said, I'll put up another comment after I've actually read the story to say what I thought of the content.
2198240
It's there to accentuate how personal the story is. THe entire thing is written completely from Aj's point of view. We are seeing her thoughts more than anything, but phrased better so we can make more sense of fragments. To get a more personal view you write how a character thinks. Linguistics is an essential pillar to language and grammar. It plays a strong role on the subconcious level with those who use it. Unfortunately, for you, it's annoying. Also, I love Aj's accent and could spend all day listening to her speak. The only issue is how hard it is to not write in that method after the story is finished.
Well, that was...romantic?
2198479 Fair enough.
After reading it, all I can say is that it certainly isn't my cup o' tea. For what it is, it's well written, its subject matter is just extremely unappealing to me.
The only big complaint about the content of the story I have is that I find it difficult to imagine either of them acting like this. Of course, that would be an issue for any MLP story where one of the Mane Six acts in a way like this, so it's not that big a deal. Still, you have an audience, and I'll just make my way back to my preferred type of story. 
2198606
Audience. lol. I decided to move out of strictly dark into a romantic dark setting in an attempt to attract more readers. This is, so far, my second to worst story. I'm a little upset by that because of how I feel about it. I think it's some of the better material I have written. Anyway, thanks for the read. The SM stuff was neutral for me. I don't like that kind of stuff but it fit for what I needed to make a story.
2198617 You know what, as I thought about it more, I realized the following: at a certain point in the story, I subconsciously decided that there was a good chance that we weren't getting the true narrative. Asking your romantic partner to kill you, for love, is more than a little fucked up. And not for wanting to die, that part of it makes total sense to me, but for the fact that someone would inflict that sort of emotional pain on their love.
This fic makes more sense to me if you read it with the mindset that AJ is not actually sane. The events that are being relayed to us by her are not what actually happened, but what her damaged mind has made up, to protect her from what she did to her lover. What if Dash was feeling more distant, but not because of something wrong with Dash, but because of the fact that AJ's grip on reality was slipping? What if Dash didn't want to be hurt, what if those smiles that Dash gave while being tortured were all in AJ's imagination? Indeed, what if Dash asking AJ to kill her was simply AJ's mind unable to cope with Dash trying to leave her, and deciding that Dash should die instead?
Of course I wouldn't insist that this is what happened, but it is a more satisfying way of looking at things for me. I prefer to deal with the insane.
2198681 And you said that stuff like this wasn;t your cup of tea. That would be a beautiful sequel. Dash's perspective, afraid to leave AJ, hoping she could bring her back from her insanity. She lets AJ do what she wants and begs her to come back to her while Aj whips her and cuts her. She's trapped by the love she feels for the monster Aj has become. She fears her lover but can't bring herself to leave and ends up sacrificing herself trying to restore AJ to the mare she fell in love with. Your mind is beautifully gifted for this. You should write dark fiction.
2198706 Hah, I suppose. No, I think I just found a way to contextualize your cup of tea, prepared with cream, into my cup of tea, prepared with lemon juice. Dang, now I feel that I do have to leave you a "thumbs up." I certainly will, it's a mark of a good story that you enjoy it more after thinking about it for awhile.
If you were to write that sequel, I'd probably give it a read. Unfortunately I don't write fiction, so I won't be taking on that job.
2198681>>2198706
Wait, you mean there was a way to read this where that wasn't necessarily the case? I thought the point was the unreliable-narrator nature of AJ's words. I totally read it with the lingering question of whether AJ had committed murder or assisted suicide as a key point of the story.
I'd like to think that RD was just as broken as AJ and the story was exactly as-is, but that maybe AJ is just that much of a monster is one of those creepy-crawly staring-into-madness takes that makes you shiver.
2199394 I guess we just read it in exactly the opposite way then. I read it originally taking AJ's narration to be generally true, and found the idea that both of them were so fucked up to be extremely uncomfortable. I later decided that if AJ was the only crazy one, and Dash was mostly a victim, then the story was much more palatable. But then again, I like stories where the main character is crazy. I identify with characters like that; Catch 22 is my favorite book, and Falling Down is one of my favorite movies.
It's amusing that you would prefer that they are both messed up, finding that more agreeable than the idea that Dash is a victim. I find the idea that they're both that broken much worse than the idea that only one of them is.
I'd give this story a second thumbs-up, if only because of how much thinking about it I've done after the fact, probably mostly because I dislike what happened it it.
Damn, this does kinda make me want to try my hand act writing. I don't write fiction because I don't think of story ideas, but now... Nah.
2199436
The best stories are the ones that make you think like that.
And I don't know necessarily that I prefer that explanation to the monstrous-AJ one. It just speaks to me in a twisted-romance way and that's...comforting is the wrong word. But anyway, it's the thought that two characters who are so thoroughly broken that they're separated from the whole rest of the world can find each other. It's a broken, unhealthy, tragic romance doomed to failure. But they're broken, unhealthy, tragic characters doomed to failure. And in a world that would not understand them, they found each other and were happy, if only for a fleeting instance that would indelibly mark them and ruin them. As I said lower, I imagine once the high of reveling in RD's love and death faded AJ turned the knife on herself. It's not a happy romance; their love literally destroyed both of them. But it was a true romance. And that's beautiful in its own twisted, fucked up way.
But the other answer is just as viable. Then it becomes a story about the lies someone can tell themselves in order to justify their actions. AJ descending to madness and evil out of a twisted perception of reality desperately attempting to justify her desires. It's tragic and awful in a different way. And the fact that the story is either/or made me really think about it harder. It's the lingering question of whether RD was doomed because she was messed up, or was she doomed because she loved AJ and couldn't see the monster under the surface?
And does one being true over the other really make things better?
2199556 Yeah, I suppose the problem for me is that I never really felt the twisted-romance thing in this story. I've read other dark romance fics where that has been the case, where I have been satisfied by the idea of love consuming and destroying both ponies, but somehow I didn't get that vibe from this one. It's probably the fact that the story didn't reveal anything about their relationship other than the carnal acts that they both enjoyed, so I never felt that there was a deeper connection. Maybe if more time was taken to develop the relationship outside of their fetish play, then I'd find more satisfaction in the "broken ponies find love" angle.
Or, in stories that have worked for me with that sort of idea, the death would more likely be from a mutual suicide pact, rather than one pony wanting the other to kill them. When it comes down to it, the idea of RD having AJ kill her is just too... off for me. I can't make that idea make sense in a meaningful way for me.
I suppose in the end, both options have insanity resulting in RD dying, and some horrible fate for AJ likely as well. It's just that in one, one pony is (more) insane and the other is a victim, and in the other, both ponies are insane. Because really, what is love but irrational?
Also, not long after reading this story, I read this Extra Punctuation article that talks about the plot of Spec Ops: The Line. Apparently the plot in that also has an unreliable narrator thing in it. Funny how you come across things in clusters.
2199733>>2197497
Sorry I missed the comment party here guys. I was keeping tabs on ti with my phone but I was celebrating last night and my alcohol induced mind was unable to make sense or retain information. Let me just say that Sequels aren;t my thing and I won't write one, althought it is tempting with the RD angle.
I think the story may have been rushed some but I still think that the meat of the story is there. I tried to keep it under 10000 words for fear of many viewers not reading anything higher than that. I've found that most people are averse to stories greater than about 3000 words but I can;t comprehend a story being less than that. <3000=junk most of the time. Plots are thrown out of the window, characters are cut and dry, no descriptions of anything, and it usually involves something extremely gimmicky or clop to catch views. Unfortunately, that method seems to wrok for many many people on this site, but of course we're looking at an audience of teenagers for the most part and that means that sex equals views and plot can be ignored if something popular is added into the mix. (I've had enough of the video game crossovers to last eternity) That's just the nature of being <25. Not always, but for the most part. Anythign that requires a longer reading cycle than 15 minutes is typically tl;dr. I don't know where I'm going with this so I think I'll stop.
I do agree that the stories that offend you at first but work on you over a little while are the best. Cupcakes sort of fucked me up for a few days when I read it. I love that feeling. The feeling that the stuff I've seen may change me forever and I'm not sure how to process it. Inevitably it gets processed and things are normal again, but that feeling is great because it is so rare. That's one of the reasons I write what I do. Dark fiction has always been the primary subject of interest for me and I have no shame in declaring my specialization in dark fiction. Sometimes I do want to break out of it a little, which is where stories like this come in. I've debated a few times of writing a happy Appledash fic, but I lose interest in the concept quickly.
aw man, i really hoped that that wasn't where the story was going. i really like rainbow dash.
Ah, fuck.
...
...
That's really all I've got.
No. No. NO. NO! NO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO! NOPE NEIN, 9001 TIMES NO!
Dude, you write awesomely, but NO. Just... No.