Port Jumper and his friends were going on a normal vacation to fillydelphia. But then the war got in the way. After entering Stable 35, Port and his friends enter these capsule's that put them to sleep for a couple of centuries. After waking up, Port finds that all of his friends are gone, and after leaving the stable, he goes off to search for them. In the meantime however, he needs money. Luckily, the wasteland offers a new kind of job, with guns.
Credit to luckybreak for the amazing cover art. go look at his other stuff.
http://cobbzero.deviantart.com
(this is my first fic, and i decided to do this to see if I was a good writer. Constructive criticism is accepted and actually encouraged. Thank you for reading this and I hope you like it.)
interesting story dude.
love to see where it goes from here.
faults wise, a little grammar here and there and punctuation. i recommend having somepony take a run over it to give it that final polish.
also, you have got to get a cover made with no pony editor pics. thats a killer for any story on this site, no matter how good the story may be.
earned a fav on this
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Thanks man. on terms of the cover i hate it myself but i felt like getting at least one up there. I'll get some people to look over this. Again thanks. have a cookie. *hands cookie*
2194119 hmm, i find the fic quite interesting so ill tell you what.
I'm a budding artist myself and has done covers for a few people here and there.
take a look at my dev art page and see what you think of my style, if you feel like it, pm me with some details and ill give a shot at drawing a new cover for you. Dev art page.
i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc12/jeyjey34/Animated%20Gifs/stanley_laugh.gif
So... I have some time, and this have been on my read later list for far to long, so lets get started.
For starters, it would really help with a bigger front for the titles, both ones, and then adding a line between that and the real chapter. Air is your friend in this matter, and it makes the next stand more out.
Beside that do you start your story out a rather... amateurish way. Normally do you only star papers you give your teacher in the lower classes with a presentation of yourself and a greeting. Think on all the other stories that you have read on this site, and on any situation in life, have any story ever started with a "Hey my name is (BLANK) and this is my story..."? Sure some of the newer Disney shows do that, but they are not known for their quality.
I am normally capable of reading most things, that is unless they are giant wall of texts without separations what so ever, but I have to admit, I could not even read this to after the interrupting youtube link that came out from nowhere. Maybe was it that link, maybe was it the non pony pony names that got thrown into the mix, how non fallout feeling the story was with a world anno 2013, or the simple fact that you could not remember if they where on a bus or a train, or for that matter if Port Jumper did actually care or not about the war. Because he does sure speculate and worry a lot for a pony that "kept hearing that Equestria was at war, but I didn’t pay attention to it."
I know that I am harsh, and sorry for being that, but when I see a story like this is there from my point of view two things to do, either say what you mean so the issues can be changed, or walk away and keep the writer in the darkness.
Because you hare problems dude, both with your characterization that is so blunt as Lilpips libido is large, with your eye popping direct and blunt descriptions. (A good rule of thump, if you ever find yourself in describing how a character looks by writing down what colours they have are you doing something wrong. Instead let the ponies stay uncoloured for awhile, and put them into situations that will describe how they look. Indirectly means are always better than the direct ones.) With how it is clear that you don´t know some of the guidelines of literary flow, never add a link that break the flow like that, add a link instead so the reader can choose for themselves.
It is not like I am saying that this is bad, I did not read enough of it to be able to state anything about that, do just listen and hear that I say that this is under my normal standard, and that you could use some more training in writing.
Here are some mistakes that I found while reading:
"As they were talking about there anime of the week" You should use a their here, the there is wrong.
“Hey port” You are missing a sign to end your dialogue with
"I saw that we we’re nearing rambling rock ridge." Are rambling rock ridge a name on a place? It sounds that way, and if it is should it start with capital letters.
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Ok. Thanks for your help. I was debating on putting links in there, so that way people could "hear" the music in my character's head, but I'll probably take them out now. Also, looking back, I should have fleshed the characters out more in the Prologue. In terms of the grammar mistakes, some of them I just tell myself "Ok I missed some capitalization. Not a big deal, I'll just fix it." But then there's some like the wrong "There" that I face palm at. Again, Thank you for your time in reading this, and criticizing my fic. Hopefully I'll improve.