The day had broken in Ponyville. There was a slight chill and the town’s residents have begun to awaken from their sleep. The day was partly overcast with a light drizzle of rain. As the townsfolk had gone about their business and tended to their daily tasks, the drizzle had become a steady rain and the town’s streets had became barren. However, Twilight Sparkle and her faithful assistant Spike had business that needed to be tended to. Shortly before Twilight and Spike had left her library, Princess Celestia sent Twilight a letter. It had asked her to check out something near the edge of the Everfree Forest. According to the letter, there was strange activity reported from that area. As Twilight and Spike arrived, they begin to search for anything suspicious. What Twilight finds there will change her life forever.
I haven't read this, but everything about the story seems slightly off. It seems like someone who doesn't understand exactly how English works has written a story using it. This is not meant to be antagonizing, just an observation.
2191030 What exactly do you mean? Whats is off about it? I am new to writing stories like this and all. Some supportive criticism would help.
I've noticed a few large problems with the story. I'll skip grammar, because even though you did use it wrong on several occasions, that was minor compared to the real problems.
The biggest one is that you either have no idea how the mind of a sentient being responds to conflict, or you don't understand how to put it on paper. Your characters constantly skip obvious thoughts that they should have to advance the plot more quickly. You need to write the story as if it were from some sort of mindset. I only read the start of the story, but Twilight should not have responded to the colt as she did. She is too passive on the matter. She takes the initiative to chase him, but when she catches him, she defaults to the submissive role, even though he is clearly in a disturbed mental state. A responsible adult would try to comport the child first. I read like five things like this in just the first 1500 words.
Second, you have no understanding of tone. The story is tagged sad, but it's written like a comedy in terms of style. You made no effort to form a connection to any of the characters. You just listed the events that happened in chunky paragraphs and separated it with clunky dialogue that sounded unrealistic because of what I said before. To make a story sad, you have to get people to relate.
I suggest you read some books -- or at least some quality fanfiction -- and take a serious note as to how the writers achieve an effective story. There's really no simple fix for this story. You just have to learn the hard way, how to write.
Very good and intense also i very much love it.
Ok.. I just gotta say to FakeScienceMonthly... go easy on him, he's a good friend of mine and listening to Micthemicrophone read fanfics inspired us to start writing them. I personally think it's a really great story even if the grammar is slightly off. Not only that but he did put a LOT of hard work into this fanfic. This... isn't criticism... this is a pretty cruel comment.
2191817
Actually almost none of the "Sad" stories of this fandom are sad. They just pretend to be sad. Or they try it way too hard for their own good.
2192974 You are reading the wrong sad stories mate.
2191817 Its true. I don't really have a lot of experience with writing these. I work full time and do full time college so I didn't have the time that I wanted on it. I'm used to writing damn college paper and nothing else sadly. Thanks for your input though, Ill try and do the next one better :)
2191904 Thanks. Ill try and make the next one better.
2191817 This is great criticism. It points out the problems, makes suggestion on how to improve, and is critical without being a total douche.
2192695 Your problem is you're his friend and you're taking it as a personal attack. The point of the comment was to help the guy improve. Being your friend doesn't mean he gets a free pass. It might be direct, but your friend should be happy to have someone tell him the truth. Stories and writers fail because of the ego that they can't do wrong or improve. I sincerely hope he heeds the advice and improves.
And as for you author, I agree with the first guy, and think you need to learn to tag things better. Your OC is obviously going to be the focus of the story, that should be a character tag over the rest. On top of that, he's heavily Gary Sue.
2192974 It's true, but there's still a big difference between a good sadfic and a poor one. They are actually very formulaic, and about as easy to dissect as action movies. The problem with most of them is that they degrade into crying porn, and when you look at the individual elements, they make no sense. It's certainly possible to use the sad tag for a story that incidentally is sad, but a lot of the time writers seem to start with the feelings and then work the plot around them, which is a big mistake. However readers on this site seem to like that, and those story's are often featured. So I guess at this point it's a supply and demand thing.
2193449 Yeah I admit I did take it as a personal attack on him because I do personally know him. But you're right, in the writing life style people are going to be cold hearted and criticize your writing to make you improve and for that I feel like I should apologize for how I reacted, my bad Melakai haha (I want to say your real damn damn it >> lol not used to calling you Melakai XD).
2191817 I feel like I've got to apologize for what I've said in response to the comment on my friends fanfic. Though he did put a lot of work into it. I still gotta say sorry.
2193516 You do have a good point. I am more a musician than anything XD My writings do need work. But I sure as heck wont give up! Do you know any good sad-fics/fan-fics I can read for a good pointers?
2193516
Dude... Can you read my mind?
2193449 I didn't know that there was an order for tagging lol. I wish I did have more time for this story though, it was rushed. Do you have any good stories to suggest?
2193652 Oh, don't feel bad. You've really got to go about the internet taking a step back from anything before you act. It can be hard writing, because you have to be open to do it (exposing your own weaknesses), and I can understand why you would want to defend your friend. I don't hold it against you.
For your first fanfic, you did pretty good. A bit rushed, but good nontheless. Also you spelled "philly" wrong. it's filly not philly. I really enjoyed it and hope to see more from you.
2193723 You're right XD but thanks though. I'm going to read around some and reattempt another one later on.
2193648 I'm sure no harm is done, and this reaction is... refreshing. To evolve we must first accept that mistakes were made.
2193714 You only tag main characters. If the story is abour RD, but it has Fluttershy in for moments here and there without any real plot importance, you tag RD and not Shy. However if Shy is say, Rainbow Dash's support, often being there to uplift and help her, than Shy should be tagged. You get five tags, choose the best five, if you even need five.
The Great Dragon, The Price of Friendship, and Precious Gem
2191038 I've got a lot of thoughts, so I am just going to list them.
1. Show, don't tell. I know this is such an overused mantra by every writing instructor ever, but It is true. Use less words to describe how character feels and more words to instill that feeling in the reader.
A) "“Twilight, behind you!!! “ He screamed to warn her about the approaching danger." - The part about approaching danger is unnecessary. Don't tell us about the danger, just give it to us. Something like: ["Twilight, behind you!" He screamed as a black mass knocked her to the ground and made off with the locket.]
B)"She searched for about 15 minutes before Spike lost patience. The weather had began to wear on them as well.
“Come on Twi! This rain is becoming unbearable. Let’s head back before we get sick.” Spike called out."
- You tell us three times that spike has lost patience. That isn't really necessary. Try something like:
[Spike watched Twilight search every branch, bush, tree and hole in the area, completely uphazed by the rain that battered his scales. "Twilight, can't we go in already? We're gonna get sick."]
2. Your word choices are a bit strange, and sometimes redundant. Fancy words are nice, but if you start using too many of them together, it begins to be distracting.
A)"As she nearly almost gave up the search, she heard a rather precarious shuffle in the woods nearby."
- This sentence has both of the problems. You don't need nearly and almost. They mean close enough to the same thing that either one will work, but not both. The other problem is "rather precarious". That is a weird way to describe shuffling and it doesn't really work. I would redo this sentence as: [Just as she was getting ready to quit, she heard a faint shuffle from the direction of the woods.]
3.You seem to be having a problem with your tenses. I know it can be challenging, but you really need to stay consistent.
A) "There was a slight chill and the town’s residents have begun to awaken from their sleep." - In this, the second sentence, you switch from the past tense to the present perfect. I know it's a little strange, but you just can't do that.
[The morning brought with it a cold breeze that chilled the waking townsfolk.]
4. You need to very your sentence structures. If you have a bunch of sentences that look the same all near each other, it will start to get repetitive.
A)”Twilight kept in pursuit of the mysterious pony. As they ran, the forest became more jagged and coarse. As the pony ran ahead, a jagged rock struck its leg and it had come crashing into the thick shrubbery that lied ahead, gashing into its side. The pony became still in agony and gave up its escape. Twilight carefully approached in anticipation of the hurt pony lashing out. As Twilight got closer she noticed that it was a colt, a unicorn at that; he was brown with a dark brown mane and had blue eyes. His body was interwoven with scars and a few sores. Suddenly he spoke."
- You start your sentences with "as" a lot, and not just in this paragraph. I completely understand, as I once found I had used the word "often" something like six times in one paragraph. As a writer, this is just something you need to check yourself on. Additionally, don't always start your sentence with the subject. I won't rewrite the entire paragraph, but I'll do a little.
[The mysterious pony showed no sign of stopping. Despite her best efforts, rocks, plants and other hazards allowed the fleeing pony to keep its lead. Struggling to keep up, Twilight saw the other pony leap over a log, only to come crashing to a halt as its leg caught on a stone and it slid across the ground. The pony gave a defeated moan and she could see that a jagged rock had torn a gash in the pony's side that was now bleeding profusely.]
5. My last advice to you is to read. A lot. Read as much as you can, whenever you can. The very best way to understand writing is to see as much of it as you can. There is a lot of great stuff just on this site and it would behoove you to check out as much as you can. I hope all of this helps and wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
2193879 Yeah I know that I totally screwed the tenses all to crap. You make a lot of good points though. Thanks for the time and effort on the comment
2193879 Darn I can use this advice for my own fanfics lol
2193775 Thanks for the tip
2193912 Feel free to ask for a review anytime. I'm happy to help.
2193371
Will you recommend me one good Sad story?
2196148 I linked 3 in the comments above.
Good story. The sentence wording seemed a bit off, a bit like the way people who've learnt English as a second language speak it. I couldn't help but read it with an accent in my head, but hey, that's not such a bad thing. Overall, well done, there are a few nitpicks i had, but nothing to warrant the amount of dislikes it has. I think a swarm of uber-critics read your story, that's all. Good work and i look forward to more from you in future.
2203024 Thanks! And yeah I didn't really have the time that I wanted to put into this. I am used to writing strict essays and papers for college lol. But thanks a ton man
2204114 No problem.
2206480 I've uploaded another story. Take a look at that one and see if it's any better , if you haven't already. :D
Hmmmm, not bad the only problem is the 180 turn the villain did at the end. I mean she was happily choking the life from him and then the next she says she's sorry and she love him?
I'd suggest re write of the ending and either giving more a reason for her shift or make her less of a monster otherwise its hard to really like this. but I will say beyond that point this is well done, I hope to see more from you in the future. 
2376226 Yeah, I wish I had more time to work on this. I may re-write it one day ^_^ If you want to, you can check out my other story on here. That one got a great response from the community
Thanks for reading though 
Hmmm...
An interesting story... but I'm not quite sure whether or not I like it. It had me at first, but... as it went on, it started to lose me.
Still, I give it a like.
3136426 I understand. I had a lot of stuff come up and I wasn't able to really solidify the last half of it
Thanks though :D