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A young filly in present day Ponyville is cursed with nightmares of post-apocalyptic Equestria. She finds herself influencing the course of future history in ways that she cannot understand. She must learn to balance her life at home with her life on the other side of the veil, and fight to preserve her own sanity, and her own innocence.
She discovers that such a task is only possible through the magic of friendship.
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"Innocence most often is a good fortune and not a virtue."
-Anatole France
Woe is Rose Petal; who -in the age of innocence- has the grim future thrusted upon her. How commendable that she attempts to make sense of this horrid reality with the understanding of a child, especially when such visions of pain and misery would break any lesser individual years older than herself and leave them numb and inert. Or is it because she is a child that she was not broken? Scarred? Perhaps, but not broken.
A very interesting start to a story. Looking forward to more.
I was very impressed with this. The concept is relatively fresh and interesting, you have a good cadence in your writing style, and Rose Petal is already becoming a relate-able and believable character through her unique and consistent inner dialogue. In short, it was just really good. Looking forwards to more, and you better bet I'll be looking for something to complain about, because so far, there's nothing.
Something I'm a little confused about. This chapter (not the dream scenes) seems to take place around the time of the show (as she mentions Diamond Tiara as a classmate). Based on the narration, it seems to be told on or after the Last Day. She would have been middle aged by the Last Day, and has been haunted by these nightmares her whole life. So why is the prose so child-like and innocent?
This story is great (certainly better than most Fallout: Equestria stories): it's original, the character is likable, the spelling and grammar are solid. I'm curious to see how this turns out.
A filly with the curse of Cassandra. Poor Rose Petal. May the stars have mercy on your soul, because nothing else is going to.
2200389
The entire story is told from her point of view as a child in modern day Ponyville. She writes this as a kid. Her assertion that the bomb can't be stopped is based on what she learns on her journeys to the future.
First some quick style notes (not corrections; you're free to ignore all of these if you really want to):
1. The asterisks you used a couple of times in this chapter (such as when Rose was talking about the bitchiness of Diamond Tiara) are unnecessary. It's clear from the context what the parenthetical comments are referring to.
2. While not a hard-and-fast rule, the standard used for writing thoughts as dialogue is to only italicize, rather than both italicizing and using quotation marks as you're doing.
3. Again, not a hard-and-fast rule, but online it's standard to put a full empty line between paragraphs instead of just indenting. Using indents looks good with printed materials, which is why it's done with books, but an empty line looks much cleaner and easier to read on a screen, which is why all websites (and all other stories on this site) do that instead.
4. I don't understand why the chapter title puts a space in "wasteland". Is this purposeful, or a mistake? If it is purposeful, you might want to reconsider your choice of it because it looks really odd.
5. I think you accidentally repeated your author's notes at the end.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm really liking this so far! There's not much in the way of...well, plot, yet, but concept is pretty interesting and one I've never seen before. I was especially amused by Rose Petals genre savviness when it comes to names and cutie marks.
Looking forward to where you're going with this.
Great story, going to watch how it continues.
2237224
I formatted it to look like a book for the PDF version. I'm new to FimFiction, so I didn't know that I would not be able to keep my format when I moved it to the website. Thanks for the formatting advise, though. I'll bear that in mind for Chapter 2.
As for The Waste Land, it is a reference to the quote "I will show you fear in a hand full of dust." That's from T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land, which is three words, and not two. "Wasteland" and "waste land" are both acceptable ways of writing it.
2299747 "Waste land" may be an acceptable way to write it; the problem, however, is that you write it as "wasteland" everywhere else. It looks better to choose one style and stick with it than alternate between various spellings (and that applies to everything, not just wasteland).
2299818 I changed it for clarity's sake. Thanks for the formatting tip.
This looks interesting, and congratulations on coming up with an original theme for a FoE story.
I'll give this a read when I get a chance.
Also, welcome to the wasteland.
2337144 Thanks. Let me know what you think when you read it. ;)
Looks like you missed a "1" there...
And that should be an "okay".
Good chapter.
I liked Rose Petals' conclusions on how the war would come about, and while I think she was way too harsh on Diamond Tiara, that was obviously intended as such. Keep up the good work!
Oh, snap.
Tiara just got shut down, unplugged, and thrown into oncoming traffic.
...yeah, that metaphor got away from me.
Anyway, good to see Petal trying to make a difference. Perhaps it isn't as futile as she and I fear.
This is good! Keep up!
This is shaping up to become seriously amazing. Let me express that by leaving my first ever FIMFiction comment here. (IIRC)
looking towards the next, good chapter again, liked it.
I feel that Rose Petal is a bit mature for her age - only in some regards, mind you - otherwise, I think this fairly brilliant. Keep'em coming as you can.
2490356
Thank you. :)
She is definitely mature for her age, btw, but she's faced a lot of loss. Her Mom died, and her Dad left, and she and Roseluck have been emotionally responsible for one another ever since, even though she's the youngest. That matures a person.
I think the hardest part about writing this has been trying to walk that line between childhood and adulthood, because she has two hooves in each world, and her mind is a messed up quirky place that doesn't really fit into either. I shall endeavor to walk that tight rope more carefully, thanks for the feedback.
Btw, are you the Dreamcatcher I know or a different Dreamcatcher?
2494535 I suppose one think I was looking forward to when reading this was taking an innocent filly, and then watching her being forced to grow up - creepy, I know, but it's what I had expected. I think that may have been a little more interesting, albeit depraved. But hey, you know what they say, right? Misery loves company. To put it as you did: I expected her to start with all hooves in the world of childhood - more or less - and then slowly make her way into adulthood. Of course, slow being a relative term. Still, you haven't done a terrible job of it. There are definitely aspects of her that strike me as distinctly childish.
As to you knowing me? Eh... not that I'm aware of at any rate. So, nice to meet you on the glorious interwebz, and thanks for taking the time to write a story.
2494551
Ah. I know another Dreamcatcher very well and I wasn't sure if you were him.
The story is still very much a coming of age story. Don't worry, there'll be lots of growing up for her to do. ;)
And now, for no reason whatsoever, Rainbow Dash Silly Face.
If there was ever any doubt of Rose Petal being best filly, you have laid it to rest.
Also, thinking about it, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that time travel runs in the Rose family. Even if no police boxes are involved.
Looking forward to more, especially Roseluck's reaction to her little sister's revelations.
So, that confirms without a doubt that what Rose is experiencing is real. This is going to be interesting...
You don't get nearly enough comments here. Update soon, please!
I'm enjoying this story a lot.
Keep up!
2526331
I'm really trying to push myself to get one chapter out a month, and so far, I've pretty much gotten it in exactly on the mark. I will update as soon as I can, I promise.
I'd like to get these chapters out quicker, but I am really busy, and literally typing the whole thing out as a giant note on my iPhone while in waiting rooms, the subway, while standing in line at grocery stores - anytime I have free moments to string together.
Thanks for the enthusiasm. I'm really glad to hear that folks are enjoying reading about Rose Petal as much as I enjoy writing about her.
It's almost a Les Miserables moment. The hopeless revolutionaries armed only with song against overwhelming oppression. And for a single, miraculous moment, they stand triumphant.
Can you hear the people sing? Sing the song of angry men...
Sorry, lost myself in the moment there. Anyway, Rose Petal continues to be a fantastic narrator, and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing what happens next, and how much will carry over from one time to another.
You've got a nice original concept here and I'm moving every bit of it! Keep up the good work and maybe you'll be able to make it to the front page!
....and did I spy a Calvin and Hobbes reference there or am I not thinking at 3am
2869449
Thanks. I appreciate the encouragement. I'm totally ignorant of how all this works though. Top page of what? Fimfiction? There's usually a section for newest updates.
Anyway, for folks who've been reading for months, know I am still working on it. I have a new job and less time, but Chapter 5 is in the works.
Thank you all for your patience. Sorry it's taken me so long. I have NOT abandoned the story. :)
I want to see Rose Petal make it to the end.
I hope that they save the other fillies and colts that are trapped also, good chapter again
Another awesome chapter! I never noticed the dialog being to mature until you pointed it out, glad to see it getting some fine-tuning. Keep up the great work!
A very, very good start!
First, let me say that I loved the quote you chose for this chapter. Excellent.
I'm loving the character of Rose Petal so far. You have managed to create a fairly intellectual and surprisingly mature child while not losing the sense of innocence and childishness (a story about sandwiches!) that keeps her a delightful child. Her occasional quirky and childlike word choices (Jerkland!) make her thoughts fun to read. Likewise, we don't forget that she is a pony -- you've kept the charming silliness of My Little Pony with her cartoonish clumsiness and similar elements (like the squeeky smile).
The billboard was perfect Fallout: Equestria, and wonderfully described and handled.
This chapter blew me away.
You have managed to capture and elaborate on several key themes and aspects of Fallout: Equestria and the Equestrian Wasteland. Furthermore, you have done so in a manner that feels both engrossing and organic -- from her recognition of how morally horrific the Wasteland was in stark contrast to Equestria, to her realization that they weren't so different behind the facade of the landscape. We are Jerkland.
Just as Rose Petal's failure to help the colt last chapter was (while understandable) emotionally gut-wrenching, her standing up to Diamond Tiara was powerful and heroic, and made me want to cheer for her. At the same time, the bully-ness of her actions and the consequences are playing out in a way that feels deeply real.
I also love that Roseluck is portrayed as being perceptive, noticing the oddness of her little sister's wounds. Too often in stories about children, the adults are made blind or naive to service the story. Thank you for not doing that.
"The importance of a background pony" is one hell of a new theme for a Fallout: Equestria story, and took me completely by surprise!
I love the revelation of Roseluck's own cutie-mark story, and how this gives Rose Petal the ability to confide in her older sister without having to battle through disbelief or a fearful need to be dishonest. Likewise, her new pegasus friend Cliff Diver provides a wonderful addition to the support structure she is going to sorely need to get through this. I also loved Rose Petal's contrasting her new friendship with the very shallow one she had with Blueberry Milkshake. Friendship is magic, and the best stories never forget the importance of it.
Rose Petal is proving to be both very intuitive and very insightful... although perhaps a little too much so. Your comments above about why she is mature for her age are excellent, and enough to assuage any concerns about her insight. Likewise, I love how Roseluck's own inexplicable insight into the era of her dreams helps give Rose Petal's similar insight a foundation that makes it feel less like a contrivance and more like a mystery. However, I would caution you against relying on this too much. Part of the entertainment in a story of someone displaced is watching them put together the pieces that reveal the reality of their situation. An innate grasp of timescale is one thing, but an innate comprehension of other elements of the new world (such as realizing without sufficient clues that the change was caused by a war, or somehow knowing terms like "megaspell") rob the reader of getting to watch the character discover these things and understand them. Even quick-witted Littlepip needed to be taught the word "ghoul".
Finally, I really loved seeing Rose Petal's upset reaction to the feeling her sister was "cheated". That sibling defensiveness is beautiful and quite realistic.
3303831
Thanks for your insights!
As the chapters go on and become darker, I have noticed more mature thoughts creeping into her narrative by necessity.
I plan on going back actually (something I don't ordinarily do), and just removing a few phrases that would indicate that Rose Petal the narrator is still a kid. I'll keep all the quirky kid-isms "like jerkfaces," that make Rose Petal who she is, but cut some of the present tense stuff, so that she can be conceptualized more as an adolescent or adult using innocent and quirky language in the telling of the story because she is mentally reliving the events as she narrates them.
It's a bit of a cop out to re-edit once you've released, but I think this slight change in framework will allow her narrative to be a tad more believable without taking away anything about the core of her character. Thoughts?
Anyway, thank you so much for your helpful feedback. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write it, and I'm glad you're liking the story so far.
3313628
At least it feels like a bit of a cop out to me. I don't want to confuse people who started reading early on, and have two different versions floating around. I know folks do it all the time, and it occurred to me that folks might take what I said as an insult. I don't mind when others re-edit their already published work. It just feels a little weird to me as the author.
Just thought I'd clarify.
3313628
I actually really enjoy it the way it is, so I wouldn't suggest making the changes unless absolutely necessary for cohesion.
The latest two chapters have been beautiful and haunting. the scene with the song was extremely powerful, and its aftermath was handled with aching realism. "The Hard Yellow Line" is a perfect chapter title -- it intrigued me and I found myself trying to guess what it could mean going in; it emphasized a major and poignant moral note in the story, and made sure it was one we would not forget.
Now, we seem to have a party forming, and I can barely hold back the wild mass guessing about Misty. I cannot wait to read more!
3368322
I'll go back and re-read everything.
Perhaps there are little ways I can make her rather mature observations a tad more believable without going back and re-framing the whole thing. I really don't want to have to re-edit anything I've already written beyond a phrase or two.
Perhaps there's another way.
Wow this is good!
A nice balance between drama and action.
Hopefully Rose Petal can help "fix" the Wasteland
"Strawberry Lemonade"
Ah, so at last we discover her importance! And I'm betting that Misty Mountain is from the future.
"But the De-Innocentizer of Souls is benevolent."
…Did he just read her mind?
3545605
Thanks.
Chapter 7 is well on its way.
Another awesome chapter, keep up the great work!
Another amazing chapter. A lot of mysteries revealed... only to bring more questions!
Brilliant use of whiney pirates, and I really loved the interplay of morals and friendship in this chapter. Rose is doing a lot of learning and growing, while still remaining that good pony we can feel for and cheer for and be worried for.
Another great chapter! I'm really loving this!
An absolutely amazing and riveting chapter!
Your use of vocabulary and Rose's delightful turns of phrase ("a great big ball of moron") make this story a delightful read. The sequence on stage was brilliantly paced. The dramatic line "Then the sandbag fell. And all Hell broke loose." was absolutely perfect.
I loved the dialogue between Rose Petal and the Priestess. And the reveal at the end of that took me by surprise, made perfect sense, and blew me away.
Likewise, Rose's realization about Celestia hit my heart like a hammer.
I have only two suggestions. I personally would have described how she went from tripping to the situation immediately after. (Perhaps "My front hooves latched onto the hovering machine, my momentum shoving it forward, gliding us out over the pit.") Also, you tend to start new sentences after a quote. Use that sparingly for effect. Instead, you should usually rely on standard quotation structure: “Yeah.” Said Twinkle Eyes. should be “Yeah,” said Twinkle Eyes.
This story is absolutely brilliant!
Again, you leave me hungry for more! 
The jerks am us. It's too true. Your idea for the fic is solid. I'll have to keep reading.
PS: Greetings from your ol' pal, Warbalist. We should collab some time. Jam out on guitars.
PPS: I discovered what may be a typo:
"I you really want to give it another try."
3801005
Thanks! As for jamming, totally. Let me know if you need a guitar or piano solo or something. :)
I'm a little behind on pony music because I'm scoring a movie at the moment, but that should be wrapping up in March.
I love this fic so much. At least now the adults are revolting, Viva La Revolution! Yay she saved the rest of the children from slavery and started a revolt in the process
, good chapter again 
Another good one. She saved a lot of the kids from slavery and death
, I do wonder what happened to her hoof though 
it sounds like necromancy or something like that. Also when will Rose be waking up in her real home in Ponyville again? I am only assuming she will since she did before. Good chapter 
3900827
Rose can only wake up when she's achieved what the Universe sent her there to achieve. As it so happens, we probably only have about one chapter left before the Trottica adventure is wrapped up.
3902066 Does that mean the fic will be over then? Or will that be the end of that part of the story?