Emerald Shadows' family is falling apart, his father has been missing for over five years, he has just been expelled from Luna's school of the arts, his mother is caught between furious and losing her mind, and his brother is as passive as ever.
Wanting to prove himself to his mother and pay her back for the bits she spent on school, he leaves home to work with his brother as an assistant mechanic at Cloudsdale Weather Corporation, not knowing what awaits him in the floating city.
Thanks to Waldo for proofreading this story!
Chapters (4)
There are some really clever bits mingled in here. I love the subtle editorializing of the colors "that ponies who make a living studying colors claim are calming to look at". Emerald spraypainting over his Cutie Mark is a detail big enough to hang its own story around — the fact that it's thrown in almost offhandedly is superb characterization and speaks well to the story's depth.
But I have to ask. Are you aware of the infamous grimdark song/fic Rainbow Factory? Because of it, your story title and description are giant screaming red-flag cues that this is going to end with someone getting hacked up in a weather machine. If this is not your intention, I recommend you fix the title and description immediately, to more accurately reflect where the story is going, because the Rainbow Factory factor is going to send a lot of prospective readers running away without ever giving it a fair chance.
On the other hoof, if you're building up to a "weather is ponies!" shock twist … the existence and popularity of RF is going to spoil the story before you ever write a single word.
how does this not have more likes? atleast take these xD
Please post the next chapter! I can't wait to find out what Emerald will do when he finds out about the Rainbow Factory's secret!
2830356
Next chapter is on a long wait until I can find a editor. The last one I had dissipated on me!
2830497 I will edit for you, if you want! I don't have much to do this summer, and I love your story! Does that sound alright, or...
2857105
I'll let my other editor know, If he joins in then I am sure that with the two of you working in tandem things will work out great! Till he gets back, you would be the editor. I'll begin work now.
2860315 Cool! I'm glad to help!
I think you and I are going to be good friends.
Yes. Good, good friends.
I was skeptical at first about your story, because the grammar is substandard and your protagonist is bitchy.
My skepticism has not been confirmed. If you can pull off this, could be interesting.
Favorited and liked.
I see pervasive punctuation problems, but I'm surprised that they don't distract from the story. I recommend you get an additional proofreader. All this story needs is some polishing. It's otherwise fundamentally sound.
I hope you don't mind if I shared this in a group called "Good Grammar Directory." The guy founded it because he thought he could whittle out all the bad stories on FIMFic by judging them based on their grammar. Not to say all good-grammar stories are automatically good, but he's never seen an otherwise well-written story with lacking grammar.
I've been hoping to prove him wrong.
[EDIT]: But, why'd the mother clean the room manually with Steam if she could've cleaned it up with magic?
Also, would you mind if I shared this on a Facebook page of which I've recently become admin? Wannabe Editor, and/or its parent, Wannabe Writer? I'm the only one bringing Pony to the table, and I'm now on the hunt for Ponyfics to share. This feels like a good example for both pages, for both its strengths Horizon has already mentioned as well as its grammatical errors.
2960416
Yes go ahead and set up a link to both places Mr. El Dante.
Also, I am trying to get all these issues squared away with my copy on my google drive. Hopefully in a few weeks it will all look, and flow, a lot better.
2830497
How many chapters long is this intended to be?
2960537
Tell me when it's been better polished, how's about?
I only want to put it on the editing page if it needs to be there.
2966505
I'm not too sure how many chapters long it will be. As of now, it's probably at either the quarter mark, or the one third mark.
And sure, I'll let you know when it's more polished up.
And then the stupid ponies find out they can make rainbow colors from crayons instead of ground-up pegasus foals.
Seriously, the only way it makes sense is if the pony becomes a paranoid nutcase who THINKS the rainbows are made of ponies and goes on a killing spree to stop them, then finds out it's just food coloring or something and Celestia incinerates him, the end.
But it's still a derivative of "Rainbow Factory"... which is poison.