Lyra prepares a cup of chocolate and thinks about fate, cutie marks, and death.
Really short, but I hope you like it!
Inspired by Pinkie Pie Watches Paint Dry: [Link]
This is my first Fanfic, so please point out what I did well and what I did wrong and improvements I should make! (Apart from making my fics a tad longer)
EDIT:
New image! A friend of mine made the image, but she does not currently have a deviantART account. When she makes one, I'll link to her
She made one. Link!
It's hard and awkward to report that she's taken her life today, September 5th.
Chapters (1)
Loved it. Sometimes, it really is the most simple of things that get you thinking, then, next thing you know, you're questioning your very existance because you looked at a certain something in a funny way.
Great idea, great grasp.
Interesting read, but you need to tone down the purple prose a bit.
Mark twain once said (and I'm paraphrasing), that a writer is like a general and the language he uses is like his army; and your use of the army should be proportional to it's goal. This is a short story with a simple premise, so concise, direct language would be best for it.
From a technical standpoint, your writing is good, although you made some very odd phrasing choices (Such as 'rotund "Yes"') that made me go over the sentence several times before I figured out what you meant. With practice, though, you could very easily improve.
Brilliant story. And it answers some questions I considered for a long time. Thank you.
One could argue that your language is verbose, and I wonder how Lyra knows so much about contemporary humans, but I fancy your interpretation of her character.
-You can write well, but you really need to consider the end result even from the beginning, therefore reflecting themes. Your writing had many different tones or, if you'll allow me to quote a certain internetian colloquialism,'feels'. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in a piece this short it's a little jarring, throwing us around quite a bit.
-The premise was crude in construction, but I was happy with the delivery.Generally writing a lot about a little can make for easier reading if done well, but the sustained philosophy weighed it down too much, for me. The ending, too, was a little unusual; a bittersweet memory of somepony combined with the mention of that somepony's life implies a death, but the abrupt ending was a little like getting a text saying your entire family died. I know you were probably going for that whole 'Drop-them-in-it' thing, but in a story this short it is still odd. Sorta like trying to force a sad without buildup.
-Like a great horror movie, you can't just jump feels out of nowhere, it feels wrong. Just like if you were watching a movie and nothing happened until suddenly a zombie popped out from the toilet; you'll get a shock, but you won't get a feel. Build up the suspense to an impending moment and release The Kraken. You'll drown in their feels.
Overall, I enjoyed it. Have a thumb up.
*side note*- I really hated writing 'feels' but it was the easiest way. Try not to think less of me by too much because of it.
2188542
Thanks for the criticism!
I sort of felt that way, too, but I just sort of went with my writing, and once I found something that I felt would be a nice closure, I couln't figure out how to integrate my other ideas
Well, this story was more of a test run to see if I could write well enough for the fandom.
I'll try to improve. I hope you liked it, despite the sudden ending!
2188471
The language being verbose to the point of near ridiculous was sort of the point. I might've overdone it at a couple points, I was sort of experimenting with the online thesaurus's potential.
About Lyra knowing more about humans, I sort of wanted to imply shameless author insertion, Lemony Snicket style.
Thank you for commenting!
2188438
You're welcome!
Wow, that was amazing. Here have five moustaches
2188431
Using "rotund" was sort of a flop, as "rotundo/rotundamente" are both quite common in Spanish, my mother language. Welp.
And the prose was ridiculously verbose because I sort of felt it would deliver the philosophical thoughts in a more elegant manner. But it might've been a poor choice.
Also, as Pinkamena pointed out, there wasn't much buildup for the ending.
Well, I hope you're right about practice! I wonder what I'll do next, though.
Thanks for the critique!
2188405
Thanks for reading! Glad you liked it
2188675
I will gladly consume them, after dipping them in hot chocolate.
2188652
I hope my comment didn't sound too critical, I really did enjoy it. Just with it being your first fic I thought it would be better to give as much advice as possible so to try and help you out.
Anyway, I hope it helped.
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Don't worry, I really appreciate the help.
Also, what do you think would be good for my next fic?
I'd like to do something more lighthearted and silly :3
2189369
Did I really incite those feelings in you?
Mission accomplished
2189379 In light of recent episodes, perhaps a story relating to Twilights new experiences as a princess, perhaps abusal of her power toward others. I dont know, I'm not the best comedy writer, but give me sad/dark any day. Just remember not to try too hard on making people laugh, it can seem forced which murders humour. I suggest reading around in that area (fanfiction and published ) and trying to get a feel for what your doing.
I hope this helps, but I can honestly say I'm not a writer of 'silly lightheartedness' (yes, I have just made up that word, sue me.'
2189402
Whoa, that's deep. For me it felt more like a mug of philosophy. I don't know what to think about it, because nothing really happened. I'm sorry for the terrible comment, it's not very helpful.
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Don't worry, your opinion is not worth less than any(one/pony) else's
I understand it's not for everyone, so no need to apologize.
The problem with the cutie marks is it requires Celestia to stop progress.
Think of what would happen if modern food cultivation methods hit Equestria. Tons of ponies would be out of work and they would not be able to adapt to a new life, their talent laying elsewhere.
Mid-life career change doesnt really exist for ponies.
Take it the other way. Lets say somepony figured out how to allow pegasi how to cast magic. All of a sudden you wouldn't have enough weatherponies.
It truly does slow their society down.
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That's one way to put it.
Didn't think of it that way before. It's an interesting idea.
So much ethical/philosophical stuff can be extracted from this show. I love that
Thanks for commenting!
Very good.
These philosophical queries certainly give one much to think about. Is there any particular reason you chose the concepts that you did? Or was it a spontaneous notion? Regardless of such the story itself intrigued me to quite an extent. You've done a marvelous job.