The Vault

by Educated Guess

V-209: A [REDACTED]

Item Number: V-209
Designations: Unsolved, Dangerous, Contained
Administrator: Earl Waldon
Lead Researcher: [REDACTED]

Procedure: V-209 is to to be kept in a triple-locked safe in the sub-basement level of Warehouse 1. The room in which V-209 is kept is to have no fewer than three (3) guards on duty at any time. Access to V-209 is restricted to members of Administration and any personnel with the signed permission of at least three (3) members of Administration, including Earl Waldon. The key to the room is kept in Earl Waldon’s possession. The key to the safe is to be randomly relocated to a secure storage location within Base [REDACTED] every 24 hours.

Note: Whoever’s moving that key for him... just bring it to me. Seriously. -Director Barton

Note: The first pony to bring me that safe key gets double pay for a month. Make it three months if you break into his study and bring me both keys. -Viceroy Cooper

Note: Wait. Warehouse 1 has a sub-basement level? Why has nopony told me about this? -Duchess Moran

Description: V-209 is a small chunk of [REDACTED], approximately [REDACTED] inches in diameter. It was found in Vault Room [REDACTED], along with [REDACTED] similar objects. The other instances of V-209 are still contained in the Vault. Earl Waldon has requested that these other instances of V-209 be brought into Order custody as soon as possible.

Testing on V-209 has revealed no unusual properties. However, V-209 does exhibit a large amount of thaumic aura, similar to the aura exuded by the Vault itself. Further testing has not yet been scheduled.

Note: Waldon, you know this thing is just a [REDACTED], right? -Director Barton

Note: Barton! I’m surprised at you. You’re the one that came up with these security protocols, and now you’re just ignoring them? I’ve edited your note for you. You’re welcome. -Earl Waldon

Note: Waldon, it’s a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [REDACTED]! We don’t need to use one of our most secure storage facilities to keep a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [REDACTED] out of enemy hands! If we locked up every single [REDACTED] we came across, we’d put hundreds of farmers out of business, not to mention look like complete morons! Use it as a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] paperweight on your desk, for all I care, but get it out of that safe! -Archduke Montagne

Note: Seriously. When did Warehouse 1 get a sub-basement level? Who approved the paperwork for that? -Duchess Moran

Note: Moran: Cooper and I signed, Pendragon triplicated. -Viscount Monroe

Note: You too, Montagne? I am fully aware that V-209 looks like a [REDACTED], but the fact that it was kept within the Vault to begin with is evidence enough that it must be something more. Until we can identify what, exactly, it is, I am not taking any chances. V-209 was placed under my authority, so what I say goes. -Earl Waldon

Note: Edited my last note for security. -Earl Waldon

Note: Wow. Really, Waldon? -Marquess Lemke

Note: Waldon, I gave that [REDACTED] to you as a welcoming gift, not as a dangerous object. It’s a bit of [REDACTED] that fell out of the Vault [REDACTED]. Did the box, wrapping paper, and card not make that clear? -Lord Pendragon

Note: Whose bright idea was it to make Waldon a member of Administration in the first place? -Lady Alexandra

Note: Alexandra: Please keep comments about personnel performance on their respective files. Thank you. -Viscount Monroe

Note: I swear, Monroe, sometimes it seems like you three are running the whole place behind our backs. -Duchess Moran

Note: Moran: See my note to Alexandra above. -Viscount Monroe

Note: For the record, Alexandra, he was the only Agent with a high enough rank after Larkspur died. I’ve regretted my positive vote ever since. -Viceroy Cooper

Note: Cooper: See my note to Alexandra above. -Viscount Monroe

Note: I wish we still had that Shift Key fellow around - he could have gotten in there like nothing. -Viceroy Cooper

Note: And who’s fault is that, I wonder? -Agent Farthing

Note: Request to burn every copy of the entire V-209 file due to high risk of embarrassment breach. -Agent Durmeyer

Note: Durmeyer, if you can get me those keys, we’ll have a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] company barbeque on those copies. -Archduke Montagne

Note: On it, sir. -Agent Durmeyer

Comments

[Educated Guess]

2219738
Archduke Montagne: "[EXPLETIVE REDACTED] it, Lemke. Do you think these things grow on trees?"

[Scrap Velveteen]

2219743
Marquess Lemke: " How was I supposed to know that throwing it to the ground in frustration would break it? And besides, if its not indestructible, its not one of a kind! I'm sure there is another one laying about. . ."

[Educated Guess]

2219769
Archduke Montagne: "Lemke, I assure you - as unique as your face is, it is not indestructible. If you'd like, I could have Lee test that for you."