A Night with Lyra

by TonicPlotter

A Night With Lyra

“Ugh…”

You awoke in pain, keeping your eyes clenched tightly shut in a futile attempt to subdue the after-effects of your little ‘adventure’ last night. Every sound was amplified; making your head feel like it was being beaten with rocks. Even the birds singing outside your window, which you normally loved about Equestrian mornings, were hammering nails into your head with every God-awful chirp from their rotten beaks.

Those miserable ponies…

They had just kept giving you cider after cider, and you, being the fantastic judge of character that you are, had stupidly assumed that the Apple family would never brew alcoholic beverages. God only knows how many ciders and one well-forgotten evening later, you found yourself in bed with a hangover bad enough to make you ready to kill something.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun.” You said, mocking the big red stallion that had invited you to Sweet Apple Acres for a little get together, “Have some Apple Family cider and get to know some of the ponies in town. It’ll do you some good. Yeah. REAL GOOD.”

CUCKOO… CUCKOO… CUCKOO…
Oh God. SHUT UP!
You forced your eyes open, squinting as the afternoon light sent fresh bolts of pain through your head, and glared at the cuckoo clock that had just painfully drilled three o’clock into your skull.

Wait a minute… you wouldn’t be caught dead with a cuckoo clock.
You shook some sense into yourself and looked around the room. Brightly colored walls, ridiculously frilly curtains, a bedside table adorned with a vase full of flowers, and of course, an antique cuckoo clock on the wall. The ensemble was made complete with the girliest bedspread you had ever seen, complete with an actual canopy over the bed.

Where the hell am I?!
“Mmmm… Good morning, sunshine,” came a sensual voice from beneath the covers to your side.

You nearly threw yourself from the bed as you spun around, just in time to see Lyra poke her head out from under the covers beside you.
“Lyra?! What in the hell?!” You yelled, surprised and confused that she was in bed with you.

Lyra cringed slightly when you raised your voice, but kept smirking at you regardless. Judging by how messy her mane was and the bags under her eyes, she had definitely had more than her share of cider last night as well.

“Geez, not so loud, Twinkle Toes. My head is pounding enough already.” She said, holding a hoof to her forehead as she spoke.

You cringed when she called you that. You hated it when she called you that, and she was well aware. She had slapped you with that stupid nickname the day she met you, and if she wasn’t your best friend, you definitely wouldn’t put up with it.

“So sorry, your HIGHNESS.” You said, rolling your eyes as you sarcastically emphasized the last word.

Lyra snickered at your comment, which somehow managed to put a weak smile on your face. Now it was all starting to make sense. You must have drank so much that you passed out, and Lyra must have lugged you here and put you to bed instead of carrying you across town to your place.

Good old Lyra.
She’s weird even by pony standards, and you’ve only known her for a couple of weeks, but she is never the less one of the best friends you’ve ever had.

Still, would it have killed her to just dump me on the couch instead of tucking me into the same bed as her? Or hell, even just leave me lying on the floor? Didn’t she realize how awkward this was going to make me feel?
“You look like you were trampled by the entire town,” giggled Lyra, “I guess you big, tough humans can’t handle a little alcohol, huh?”

You smirked widely and rolled your eyes. “You could have told me there was alcohol in it. I haven’t drank in a few years, so what did you expect?”

Lyra scoffed. “Only hard cider has a head on it like that. I thought everypony knew that.”

You opened your mouth to respond, but no words came out. You didn’t have a witty comeback for that. All you could do was stay quiet as her grin stretched even wider.

Sure, rub it in, Lyra.

She was never going to let you live this down. Getting drunk off your ass and completely humiliating yourself in front of everyone only a month after moving to Ponyville was bad enough, but when your best friend ends up carrying you home? You seriously hope that ponies don’t have cameras, and if they do, that none of them happened to have any handy last night.

“So what happened last night?” You asked, wanting to get the humiliating details from a friend rather than the gossips in town.

Lyra only smirked at first, looking down at her stomach. You could have sworn she was blushing, but it was hard to tell through the fur on her cheeks. She reached over and rested a surprisingly soft hoof on your shoulder before looking you in the eyes with a dreamy smile.

“You were just wonderful last night…” she purred.

You nearly choked on your own tongue as she calmly drew small circles on your shoulder.

I didn’t. Oh God I didn’t. There’s no way I did. Not with a pony. Not with Lyra. There isn’t enough alcohol in the world for that.
“Y-you mean… I… w-with you…?” You sputtered.

Lyra smiled warmly, now clearly blushing. “Two hours. You were a machine.”

“Oh God!!!” You whimpered, nearly having a breakdown.

No. No. No no no no no no NO! What the hell have I done?!
Of all the stupid things you had done in your life this was definitely the worst. All of a sudden your stupid cousin came to mind. When you had told your family that you were going to travel to Equestria and live with ponies, your cousin had accused you of having some sort of horse fetish. You would have knocked his teeth out had your entire family not been there.

And look at you now. One month in, and you get drunk enough to prove him right.
Lyra snapped you out of your stupor with a gentle shake. “Hey, are you okay? You’ve gone as white as Bon Bon.”

“Am I okay?!”

What the hell was wrong with her?! How could she be so nonchalant?! You got so drunk that you ended up having sex with your best friend, who happens to be a pony, and she asks if you’re okay?! Your life is officially over!
Lyra recoiled from your outburst, but collected herself fairly quickly. She seemed more confused than anything, merely raising an eyebrow as you continued to panic.

“Wait; are you upset about what happened last night?” She asked.

Was. She. KIDDING?!
Forget weird by pony standards. Lyra was officially the most messed up pony in the entire town. How could she act so calm and smug unless…

No…
That couldn’t be possible. You looked over at her with a slack-jawed expression, and she cocked her head slightly to the side and forced an innocent smile. She always had been very clingy with you, but you had always assumed that was just her personality.

And what if you were wrong? What if she had some kind of human fetish? Hell, what if she had waited for you to get that drunk so she could take advantage of you?
“What the hell is wrong with you?” You asked with a voice full of poison.

Lyra’s smile dissolved into a look of shock, and then quickly crumpled into a frown.

“What the hell is wrong with me?!” she snapped, “You’re the one who’s acting like a complete jerk! Is this how you act every time you drink?!”

“I’M being a complete jerk?!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!” yelled Lyra while pointing her hoof at your face. “You got drunk off your plot last night! You got so drunk that you couldn’t even walk! I carried you here and put you to bed, and this is how you thank me?! By rubbing my belly, falling asleep, and being an utter jack-off about it the next day?!”

Your jaw hung wide-open. “W-what did you say?” you asked in a stupid tone.
` “I said you are being an utter jack-off!” she quipped back, crossing her hooves and looking the other way.

“No no no, before that! Say it again!”

She turned to look at you again. She was obviously still angry, but looked at you with confused eyes.

“You rubbed my belly? And then fell asleep?”

You stuttered stupidly before finally composing yourself enough to get words out. “That’s it? That’s all we did last night? I rubbed your belly?!”

Lyra furrowed her brows and nodded slowly.

Your jaw hung open once more, and you slapped a hand over your forehead. “Wait a minute! If that’s all we did, then why the hell were you leading me on like that?! What was with that crap about me being wonderful last night?”

“Well…” she said, still angrily but in a much softer tone than before, “it was one hell of a belly rub. Seriously, you could offer that at the spa down the street. Besides, what did you think I was talking about?” She scoffed, “I mean, it’s not like we-“

Lyra’s abrupt stop caught your attention. You looked at her to find her eyes and mouth open wide in complete shock and her face turning as red as a beet. She suddenly erupted into raucous laughter.

“Oh!!! Oh ho ho no!!!” she choked, barely able to get words out amongst her uncontrollable laughter. “I… I made it sound like… and you thought… that… you and I… Oh Celestia!!! Bah ha ha ha haa!!!”

You glared at her as she laughed so hard at your expense that tears were streaming down her face. You had screwed up big time by thinking the two of you had had sex.

And she’s never going to let you live this down. Not for the rest of your life.
She finally managed to get control of herself, and wiped the tears from her eyes. She was still shaking, but at least had managed to muffle her laughter into a few suppressed giggles.

“I’m gonna grab a late lunch. Are you hungry, lover boy?” She said in a mockingly romantic tone, before once again laughing uncontrollably.

You said nothing as she hopped from the bed and left the room, laughing every step of the way. Her guffaws continued to echo through the house from the kitchen as you threw both of your hands over your face.

“I hate ponies.” You muttered quietly to yourself.

Comments

[Sabban]

Oh, this is good. Thanks man, this made my night.

[SoullessDCLXVI]

Excellent. A work of art.

[Irongalley]

IN THE LOLS!

[JimboTex]

i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/001/732/winternet.jpg

[StormHoof32]

LOLS

[Bendy]

Hey Human, Lyra is sapient. It's only xenophilia.

Good story none the less.

[Lion Tale]

this made me laugh so hard

[Fugly Duckling]

dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw9073-65d.png

was this a one-shot?

[Cadmium]

Full speed in the lolz good sir.
And the correct answer in the end would have been: okay see you later i'm going to hang myself or jump off a cliff or something.

[TonicPlotter]

2183275
Probably. It was basically a parody of all those cheesy self-insert romance fics.

[Fugly Duckling]

2183772 propably.... care to elaborate?

oh and i forgot to tell you, it's very well written, do you have a proofreader or editor? because if you don't i'm impressed by the lack of mistakes

[Gontor]

And this is another example why I just randomly browse some stories here. Well done chap.

[craton765]

LOLZ

[DarthMaul22]

Clever. I like it.

[The Recombinant]

First time that i read a self -insert story... I liked it

[TonicPlotter]

2183812
What I mean, is I probably won't write another self-insert fic. This was more of a joke that came to mind than anything. But then again, I kind of have another idea involving Octavia, but I don't know if I could flesh it out into a full story without forcing it. I could always try, I guess.

Oh, and I do my own proof-reading. My trick is to read it out loud in silly voices. No, seriously. You'll find almost every error if you do that.

[Fugly Duckling]

2186618 well, don't fix it if it ain't broken

i'd love that octavia fic, she's one of my favourite background ponies.

[TonicPlotter]

2188185
I'll see if I can fic it. It'll probably be terrible, but what have I got to lose except having to endure pissy comments?

[The Account Without User]

I has a funnies nao

[Robobrony]

That was hilarious, you sir would make a great comedian

[Leux]

that was mean... and freaking hilarious...

[Brony103]

Thought I was in for a steamy read, instead I end up chocking on my own spit laughing. Well played.

[KawaiiKun]

Thumbing this up and favoriting. I reread this 3 times because it was hilarious and I somehow just had the time.
I give this 5/5 Applejacks

[D_Ghost]

L O FUCKING L!!

[Pyromaniacal Panda]

Pfft-HAHAHAHAHA

[Brakyo]

That made my day.

[Moog Prodigy]

/5

[wille179]

/5

Linked here from TvTropes
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/InterspeciesRomance/Fanfic

[Artorias]

I trolled myself

[Brony4eva]

Geez, not so loud, Twinkle Toes. My head is pounding enough already.” She said, holding a hoof to her forehead as she spoke. You cringed when she called you that. You hated it when she called you that, and she was well aware. She had slapped you with that stupid nickname the day she met you, and if she wasn’t your best friend, you definitely wouldn’t put up with it.

I SEE AN AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER REFERENCE

[TonicPlotter]

4939665
Guilty as charged.

[axl bishop]

neat

stay classy

[Lupus]

Well this was fun!

[JennaShinx]

2181249 Oh god....that profile pic......why.......

[Brody Deitrick]

5569117 i'm with ya __Jake101__ thats just wrong

[Vinylshadow]

Awww~

That was adorable

[Charles Spratt]

s13.postimg.org/5a2dthj87/Giz_Vyc0.png

[nullvariable]

thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/ok-hand-sign-1947517.jpg

[DerpTape]

2186618 Your proofreading advice is awesome. I never would have thought of it,but it makes so much sense. Your brain processes visual and auditory input differently, and what you might overlook in one, you can catch in another. Doing silly voices forces you to pay closer attention as well.

Thanks for the tip, and the story

[Shenzy]

2nd person? Hm to bad. Doesn't work for me.

[TheBronyFromBeyond]

2181249
oh gods that profile picture. I know this is like 5 years later but lmao

[quakeSanchez]

This one is good!

P. S. TVTropes got me here.

[CreativeFire]

11313212
Which page?

[Darwey47]

Short but sweet hahaha

Seriously, the actitute of Lyra in Fan fics is always pure gold