Coup d'Pone

by Tatsurou

Chapter 1

Coup d'Pone

Three middle aged stallions sat in the anteroom of Canterlot Castle, awaiting their meeting with Princess Celestia. First Edition, a rather influential newspony, glanced at his companions, Silver Sword - a retired unicorn general - and Red Tape - a well connected pegasus bureaucrat. While this was not the first time the three had met, most of their meetings were held well away from the public eye. First Edition didn't like this, but he knew he'd have to keep the cool head.

Red Tape was the first to speak up. "Why do you think Celestia summoned us?" he asked quietly, fear audible in his voice.

Silver Sword snorted. "We'll find out soon enough. Quit your flinching."

Red Tape only continued to shiver. "You don't think she knows about our plans, do you?"

"Shut up!" First Edition snapped. "We don't talk about that in public. You know that."

This was the problem with Red Tape. While he was very reliable as a source of information regarding the bureaucracy and was easily able to tell what ponies in general would respond well to, when he got truly rattled - which, admittedly, was rare - he could not stop his mouth.

Silver Sword spoke up. "Think about this, Red Tape. You know why it is the three of us regarding...that, yes?"

Red Tape nodded. Between the three of them, they were able to get exact ideas regarding how ponies felt about any given situation regarding the country or the government as a whole...and with a bit of effort, were in perfect positions to slowly alter it.

Silver Sword smirked. "She probably wants our services in that regard. How perfect for us."

First Edition smiled. Trust Silver Sword to see the strategic advantage in the situation.

The door opened. "Her Highness will see you now," the Royal Guard said, ushering the three into the throne room.

First Edition walked in through the door, the other two flanking him. Princess Celestia sat on her throne, going through some paperwork as they approached. When they stopped at the steps up to the dais, she set the paperwork aside.

"Hello, my little ponies," she said pleasantly. "I suppose you are wondering why I've called you three here today?"

First Edition nodded. "Yes, Your Highness," he said calmly. "What can we do for you?"

Celestia smiled. "I understand the three of you are spearheading a movement to remove me from the head of the government?"

First Edition flinched. Silver Sword pursed his lips. Red Tape all but fainted dead away. Silver Sword spoke up. "Umm..."

Celestia continued. "Remove me from power, relieve me of my royal duties, prerogatives, and privileges? That sort of thing?"

First Edition decided it was time to go for broke. "Yes, Your Highness. We are. We seek to end the royal yoke that chokes Equestria-"

"So you want to retire Luna as well?" Celestia asked sweetly.

First Edition blinked. "Umm...yes..."

"Wonderful," Celestia said happily.

First Edition looked up in shock as he heard a few heavy clangs. Celestia had discarded her regalia and donned a tie-dye T-shirt, straw hat, and dark sunglasses. A suitcase was held in her magic. "Y-your Highness?" he managed to stammer out.

"Just Celestia now," she corrected him. "Hey Luna!" she called out.

Luna entered the room from a side passage. "Yes, sister?" she asked formally.

"We've been overthrown!" she said happily. "I'm heading to Acapulcolt. Want to come?"

Luna smiled. "Perhaps another time. I have other plans."

Celestia shrugged. "Alright."

First Edition glanced between the two Princesses, convinced he was dreaming. "You're just...giving up?"

Luna glanced over the three stallions before turning back to Celestia. "These are the ones overthrowing us?"

Celestia smiled. "Indeed."

"Do they have a plan?"

Celestia paused. "Good question." She turned back to First Edition. "I assume you have a plan regarding the new form of government?"

First Edition stumbled over his words. "Umm..."

Celestia continued. "I mean, there's rewriting the tax code, rearranging the legislative process...oh, and the sun and the moon, but I'm sure you'll take care of it."

"The sun and moon?" First Edition asked. "But..."

"Raising them," Celestia explained. "Part of the royal obligations we aren't supposed to have anything to do with anymore?"

First Edition blinked. "Umm...I'm sure you'll be...happy to explain how to do that?"

Celestia looked shocked. "Oh, I could never do that. Interfering in such an important matter would raise serious questions about the viability of the new fledgling government." She tilted her head. "I suppose you could appeal to Twilight Sparkle. She knows a bit about that magic."

"Oh yes," Luna said calmly. "You could appeal to Miss Sparkle to officially endorse the overthrow of her beloved teacher and mentor. She won't turn you into anything horrible...probably."

"Oh, but I'd get right on the solar magic," Celestia said calmly. "When I severed my tie to the sun a bit ago it froze in place, and won't move again until somepony else connects to it. I'd give it say...50 or so years until the unending sunlight renders all of Equestria uninhabitable-"

"If that long," Luna interrupted.

"-so no rush," Celestia finished.

Silver Sword attempted to bluster. "I am sure we can handle moving the sun and moon eventually-"

"You keep your hooves off my moon," Luna interrupted with hostility.

Red Tape blinked. "Y-your moon?" he asked incredulously.

Luna smiled. "Apple v. Bloodeye in the case of the Appleoosan territory. International law declares that the first being to set hoof, claw, or foot on unsettled land may claim it for their country." She pulls out a magically crafted iconograph. "This is visual evidence of my claiming the Moon in the name of the Lunar Empire, 1000 years ago when I was first banished there. The flag's still there, if you'd care to check."

Celestia smiled indulgently at her sister as the three stallions began to sweat. "So what do you plan to do with your moon, Luna?"

Luna smiled. "Well, I'd actually like to run a kingdom my way, as opposed to the way things are run here, so I think I'll terraform and colonize it. I'm sure there are several ponies and other beings of this world who might be interested in swearing loyalty to me. Then...I think we might take the moon and set off to explore the cosmos."

"But if you move the moon, the tides will go out of whack!" Red Tape said urgently. "You'll cause untold damage and death to Equestria and the world at large! The gravitational shifts alone will be catastrophic!"

Luna looked at him calmly, coolly. "As the Lunar Empress, my ties with this kingdom and world officially severed, I fail to see how that is my problem."

Silver Sword began to swallow convulsively. This was not going at all how he anticipated.

Celestia suddenly gasped. "Oh, I just remembered. If we cede the throne, the treaty will go back into effect. You'll have to work through the Tribal Tribunal to rearrange the government."

First Edition blinked. "Tribal Tribunal?"

"Oh yes," Celestia said with a smile. "Before Luna and I were given power over Equestria, it was run jointly by Hurricane, Platinum, and Puddinghead. If we step down, the treaty dictates that their descendants take over until a new form of government is established."

First Edition nodded, trying to maintain his calm. "And...who might they be?"

Celestia smiled. "Well, I have kept track. Platinum's descendant is my nephew Blueblood, of course."

First Edition snarled inwardly. As stuck up a snob as Blueblood was, he was devoutly loyal to his aunt. Not only would he alienate everypony, he'd be resistant to even the idea of dethroning Celestia.

"Hurricane's direct descendant is actually a mare named..." Celestia consulted some paperwork. "...Ditzy Doo. She's Ponyville's mailmare."

Silver Sword shuddered. The idea of Derpy in political power was a disaster waiting to happen. She'd oppose Blueblood at every step...assuming any of Canterlot was left standing by the end of the week.

"And Puddinghead's descendant actually played her in a recent Canterlot Hearth's Warming Eve Pageant. Pinkamena Diane Pie. She's actually one of the Element Bearers, you know."

All three stallions visibly shuddered. The idea of Pinkie Pie with any sort of political power made surrendering to Discord seem preferable. At least with Discord, you knew to expect total chaos.

Celestia smiled. "I'll have to let them know about all this so they can come to Canterlot to begin their rulings. And then I think I'll write Cadance in the Crystal Empire. Seems like a nice place to retire."

Red Tape shivered. This would probably lead to the Crystal Empire and Equestria becoming enemies...

"...but first I really must make an announcement to the press regarding what's happening, and who to thank for it." Celestia smiled disarmingly at First Edition. "For your hard work bringing such dramatic change to Equestria, your names really must be immortalized in History. Everypony should know all about what you've done."

First Edition stared in shock as Celestia turned away. Everypony knowing exactly whose fault it was this was happening... "Celestia! A moment!"

Celestia turned back. "Yes?"

First Edition turned to his compatriots, receiving a confirming nod. "We may have been...rash in asking for the two of you to abdicate the throne. Might you consider...reclaiming it?"

Celestia lowered her sunglasses and looked at him coolly. "I beg your pardon? I'm on my way to blissful retirement and relaxation, and you want me to take back the thankless job of handling every major and minor decision of ruling to tend to this kingdom? All that stress and drama with so few breaks? Just for that pittance of a royal stipend we receive for personal expenditures? I'm sorry, but from my perspective it just isn't worth it."

"But...but..." Red Tape stammered.

"What my sister is asking you," Luna said coyly, "is,as we ARE private citizens at the moment...what's in it for us?"

----------------

A half hour later, Celestia had once more donned her regalia and was sitting calmly at her throne as the three stallions walked out of the throne room. She listened to their conversation as they left.

"First? Weren't we trying to end the royal drain on the country's resources and all of that?"

"Yes, Red Tape, that WAS our goal."

"Then how come we ended with promising to work towards giving the Princesses even more royal privilege and benefits?"

"Shut up Red, and be glad we still have our hides!"

"Yes, Silver Sword..."

Once they were completely gone, Celestia smiled at Luna. She then spoke to the curtain behind the throne. "You can come out now, girls."

The first to tumble out were a pink mare and a cyan one, flopping onto the floor to finally release the uproarious laughter they'd been holding in for the past half hour. As Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie reveled in their laughter, Rarity and Flutershy also stepped out, managing to hold in their amusement, for the most part. Applejack was grinning from ear to ear. Twilight was barely managing to hold in her laughter, hiding her choked expression with one of her new wings.

Celestia smiled at her former student. "So tell me, Twilight Sparkle...did you enjoy your first lesson in practical politics?"

Comments

[artofwar77]

Minor spelling errors aside (go fix those), this was an entertaining read. Always nice to see political-savvy Celestia.
Thank you for sharing this writing with us.

[Tatsurou]

2176557
THanks. DO you think you could point out the errors? I can't seem to spot them in my editting run.

[pendrake72]

@Tatsurou…

Entertaining comedy story. Definitely an good lesson in the lack of political foresight of most self-proclaimed revolutionaries.

I also agree with bstreetninja, you just need to clean & polish your story of typos & spelling errors, and it will be fine as is (no revisions needed).

Post Edit Add: Actually, if you want to add a bit more knife-twisting into the revolutionary trio, you could have Celestia mention the potential international strife with the other races &/or nations of the MLP:FiM world too. Such as the griffon tribes, the dragon clans, or Saddle Arabia, etc.

[Mill]

THe captilization errors are almost comical in their frequency.

[artofwar77]

2176569
I'll point out what caught my eye. They were mostly things that could have been keyboard misstrokes. Like pendrake72 said, the story itself is fine. No revisions needed.

{Red Tape - a well connected pegasus beuracrat.}
[ought to be well-connected, a compound word] [misspelled 'bureaucrat']

{First Edition didn't like this, but he knew he'd ahve to keep the cool head.}
[transposed 'h' and 'a' in 'have']

{While he was very reliable as a source of information regarding the bureacracy and was easily able to tell what ponies in general would respond well to, when he got truely rattled - }
[misspelled 'bureaucracy' and 'truly']

{THe door opened. "Her Highness will see you now," the Royal Guard said}
[extra cap on 'h' of 'The']

{When they stopped at the steps up to the dias, she side.}
[misspelled 'dais']

{First Edition nodded. "Yes, your Highness," he said calmly. "What can we do for you?}
[capitalize 'y' of 'your']

{First Edition flinched. SIlver Sword pursed his lips.}
[extra cap on 'i' of 'Silver']

{"Remove me from power, relieve me of my royal duties, prerogatives, and priveleges? That sort of thing?"}
[',' ought to be ';' (kind of an aesthetic choice, ignore if you prefer)] [misspelled 'privileges']

{Interfering in such an important matter would raise serious questions about the viability of the new fledgling government." SHe tilted her head.}
[extra cap on 'h' of 'She']

{Red Tape blinked. "Y-your moon?" he asked increduously.}
[misspelled 'incredulously']

{She pulls out a magically crafted icnograph. "THis is visual evidence of my claiming the Moon in the name of the Lunar Empire, 1000 years ago when I was first banished there. THe flags still there, if you'd care to check."}
[misspelled 'iconograph'?] [extra cap on 'h' of 'This' and 'The'] [missing apostrophe on contraction 'flag's']

{"You'll cause untold damage and deathtoll to Equestria and the world at large! THe gravitational shifts alone will be catastrophic!"}
[change 'deathtoll' to 'death'] [extra cap on 'h' of 'The']

{"As the Lunar Empress, my ties with this kingdom and world officially severed, I fail to see how tha tis my problem."}
[change 'tha tis' to 'that is' (unless Luna still speaks Ye Olde Equestriane )]

{First Edition nodded, trying to mantain his calm. "And...who might they be?"}
[misspelled 'maintain']

{All three stallions visibly shuddered. The idea of Pinkie Pie with any sort of political power made surrending to Discord seem prefferable. At least with Discord, you knew to expect total chaos.}
[misspelled 'surrendering' and 'preferable']

{Celestia smiled. "I'll have to elt them know about all this so they can come to Canterlot...}
[transposed 'l' and 'e' of 'let']

{"...but first I really must make an announcment to the press regarding what's happening, and who to thank for it."}
[misspelled 'announcement']

{Everypony knowing exactly who's fault it was this was happening...}
[misspelled 'whose']

{"Then how come we ended with promising to work towards giving the Princesses even more royal privelege and benefits?"}
[misspelled 'privilege']

{SHe then spoke to the curtain behind the throne.}
[extra cap on 'h' of 'She']

[Blue Nova]

Great one-shot!
Kept me thoroughly engaged on the premise, but you could use an editor.
Just start asking people (myself included) and they'll be happy to lend you a hand.

Keep writing!

[Tatsurou]

2176726
Thanks. I usually catch those myself, but I was pretty tired when I wrote this. They will be corrected by Monday afternoon. Most of them are typos, I'm afraid. Stupid buggy keyboard.

[ShadowBrony]

That story was hilarius. It was awsome to see both Celestia and Luna trolling someone else instead of each other. But I am still for the New Lunar Republic as Luna can handle the kingdom just fine.

[Yinglung]

Gee, those guys don't actually have a bit of a clue about how politics, coup, or a government in general works, do they? I am reminded of those guys in Space Thunder Kids, who think the alien overlord needs to run it through the Space Immigration Office first before seizing control of the government.

2177244
But uh, 'republic'... 'kingdom'? What kind of a polity NLR actually is anyway?

[Tatsurou]

2177823
Well, it was their intention to set up a new government - probably a democracy - without the Princesses, but they expected to have plenty of material by which to demonize them with first. They weren't expecting Celestia to take this approach.

And in this case, Luna's set up an Empire. Given her behavior here, it will likely be a benevolent dictatorship where her whim is law but she spends most of her time entertaining the young ones for her own joy. Kinda like that one Nightmare Night.

[Tatsurou]

2176594
As far as knife-twisting, that would change the dynamic. THis is Celestia behaving as if everything will work out just fine so she can feel perfectly content in abandoning her post. How would you suggest I write that into this? Something like this?

Celestia: Oh, and I'll have to let the Ambassadors know they won't be dealing with me anymore, what with me being overthrown because my ponies want to try to take care of themselves now. The other country leaders are honorable, I'm sure they wouldn't DREAM of taking advantage of the situation; surely they'll give you a few years to get your hooves under you before implimenting any major international policy decisions.

*Like conquest,* Silver Sword thought to himself, suddenly terrified beyond all reason.

...Actually, that works pretty well. Any suggestions on where I should add that in?

[cloudranger]

This is the problem with most revolutionaries. Lack of foresight, and assumptions of what will be available at their disposal should they try to take charge. They believe that it's as easy as surgically cutting out and replacing skin, but it's much more embodied than that, so much (lol) Red Tape to go through. Never as simple as copy paste, especially for the kind of leaders they sought to supplant. Nice job. Though I wonder if there is a fic out there that takes all that was played as comedy in your story into account, because then it wouldn't be a comedic thing but rather a true threat to their rule, then they (the sisters) would actually have to do something rather than this laid back approach.

[pendrake72]

2178355...

I would probably suggest putting in any potential international strife after the part where Celestia mentions settling at The Crystal Empire for post-vacation retirement.

Always happy to provide constructive criticism &/or additional inspiration .

[Yinglung]

2178143 Still, those guys are too, for a lack of better words, soft and rational (self-critical?) for a revolutionary. As we learn from history, revolutionaries usually won't occupy themselves with the practical details about how to run the country until they seize the power themselves.
'Things will turn out alright because we're in principle right'. And sometimes they aren't completely wrong in that regard, because a successful, serious revolution usually removes the olden privileges and rights, clearing up space for societal modification. A polity change with sufficient popular support and a vision of complete paradigm shift can negate most of the technical barriers offered by the Royal Sisters above (e.g. eminent-domain/seize the hell out of the moon if they have a force that can put up a fight. Treaties can be renegotiated; 'Suitability for circumstances', this is what treaties are for, right? And the unicorn tribe did raise the celestial bodies themselves before them right? I don't think finding a group of unicorns to do that again is prohibitively difficult unless the narrative really works against the putschers). But I don't think, from the look of it, they have the vision, support, tenacity, or preparedness to carry out any of it. As villains go, they are laughably ineffectual... which probably suits the story's categorization as a comedy anyway.

And no, I'm not saying all these because I'm a die-hard small-r republican. (eyes go shifty)

[Q Illespont]

I'm a little curious about the apparent Blueblood/Derpy feud that would come to the fore ...

[Tatsurou]

2180373
It's been a while, but I think I'm going to actually address your points.

'A policy change with sufficient popular support'
There's the main thing. They don't have sufficient popular support yet. They were still working on it. Their long term goal was to demonize the Princesses, causing the populace to demand their stepping down. Celestia pulled the rug out from under them way early in their plans, and was about to make them out as the stallions who caused Equestria's political collapse.

'eminent domain'
At the moment, Equestria lacks space travel. As such, Luna's the only one who can reach and survive on the Moon's surface. If she ever decided to terraform it, colonize it, and then take it off into space, the ponies of Equestria could do exactly diddly to stop her.

'treaties renegotiated'
Given how Equestria's government was formed, that's a bit like saying in America, "The President's been impeached, so let's rewrite the Constitution." Real popular decision there.

'finding a group of unicorns to move the sun and moon'
Oh, you mean a group of magically talented unicorns in the modern age like, say, those attending 'Celestia's school for Gifted Unicorns'? The ones who, practically by definition, will be loyal to Celestia?

As for your last statement as to what they lack, 'Confrontation with Celestia' was planned as stage 34 in their plans. She hauled them in at stage 7.

[Yinglung]

2719630 Wow, that's really been a while. I didn't even remember I typed a rambling treatise on, um, pony politics. Glad that you addressed this seriously, and you raise some good points too, it's really appreciated!

To the end, how a story goes is all up to the author (unless of course, you're making a living off it), I was saying all that simply as a reaction because I think this kind of plot can still be pulled off with certain build-up e.g. so and so, and under a sufficiently skillful hand (Actually, I think all kinds of plot can be pulled off under a 'sufficiently skillful hand', but I digress). It's by no means doubting the logic and flow of this story, which are very nice in themselves.

(And a belated fav!)

[Tatsurou]

2730590
I agree that such a plot - to overthrow the monarchs - could work if done well and, most importantly, kept absolutely secret from Celestia and Luna before it comes to pass. Unfortunately, this means the primary plotters either have to never sleep or have such zen control of themselves as to never dream.
After all, Celestia learned who the primary plotters were because Luna helped Red Tape deal with a nightmare about the entire thing going horribly wrong.

[Yinglung]

2730943 Huh, that got me thinking: Celestia's sun (presumably?) shines on all the lands in Equestria and (presumably) the creatures therein. Here we have the 'Princess of Dreams', but can she monitor the dreams of creatures that are not ponies? If not, we may have a security defect here (that is, of course, presuming that Our Highness has the capability to run a dream-based PRISM from her throne room without any prerequisite and perturbation; while it seems to be considered as fanon by some, I still found it very unnerving.)

[Tatsurou]

2731133
Actually, my idea is that - when she's out raising the moon - Luna taps her dreamwalking magic, and is then drawn to nightmares to correct them. In this case, though, since Red Tape was having a nightmare where he'd been caught and was about to face justice from Celestia and Luna, Luna just stepped into her dream manifestation and told him she would show mercy if he told her all he knew of the conspiracy. While she CAN look in on any dream she wants, she has to specifically enter a dream to see its nature, and she's crafted her magic so that a nightmare will summon her.

[Raistlin]

Someone should make a sequel with Blueblood, Derpy and Pinkie Pie ruling the Council.

[Tatsurou]

2754996
Blueblood doesn't stop complaining.
Derpy accidentally breaks the palace, which chain reacts to the whole city.
Pinkie plays the fiddle while Canterlot burns, because she's hosting her "Destruction of Capital City Party", also called her "Anarchy Party".

[jszellmer]

Vetinari Job Security at its finest - staying in power by making sure that all of the other options will fail miserably.

[Tatsurou]

3638604
That was the basis of this fic.

[jszellmer]

3638628 Tropers represent!

[Tatsurou]

3638683
Not the trope. Vetinari. I'm a big fan of Discworld, and I often base any Celestia I write off him as far as how she handles problems, not her alignment.

...actually, I once toyed with the idea of a Discworld fanfic involving Havelock getting a visit on Mother's Day from his mother. Unfortunately, I know I wouldn't write him very well.

[jszellmer]

3638707 I guess I just really like tropes, but that tactic is a very practical way to stay in power.

[ApparitionsShadow]

wow, I love this, thank you for writing it.

[Palette Swap]

SO MUCH YES. If you think about it, if even half of this applied, anypony who took over after the princesses would have such a hard time of it...

[Spartan Brony]

that was friggen hilarious

[NeverKnown]

Haha that was a delightful read.

[dunnie_172]

3753722 THE SUN. Nuff said

[Nihatclodra]

Not as funny as I'd hoped, but still pretty funny. I'd say one more fanfic of yours that i like, an I'll end up following you.

[Tatsurou]

4519747
I'm sure you'll find one or two.

[Themaskedferret]

*grins* Nicely done.

[SomeRandomTwat]

4519747 It's been bugging me and I have to ask: are you really naked or is it just the profile picture? Pls no pics

[Nihatclodra]

5131279 I'm naked when I'm naked, and at other times I'm naked under my clothes. So Yes.

[SomeRandomTwat]

5131313

[TheGreatEater]

Oh! That was a beautiful lesson in politics.

[ShadowLDrago]

Celestia smiled at her former student. "So tell me, Twilight Sparkle...did you enjoy your first lesson in practical politics?"

Intensification of yes. You sir, are magnificent.

[shinigamisparda]

Oh, beautiful! I love it when there's this whole "Oh, you want to rule? Well, here's a list of everything you need to figure out."

Actually reminds of an MLP comic called "When Villains Win". It begins with Chrysalis successfully conquering Canterlot... Only it turns out she intended to lose the exact way she lost in the show, leaving Canterlot and taking the massive amounts of love they harvested with them. Since she won she now has to rule Equestria, and when Celestia explains how big the country is, she immediately surrenders because she couldn't possibly run the whole thing.

... And things get crazier from there.

[RaptorCalloftheShadows]

I believe Silver, Red, and First just pooped themselves. <3

[Raven Flight]

So gloriously funny!!! Gotta love when it all falls apart before it even gets started. Way to go guys!!!

[Void Knight]

Now I really want to see what would have happened if Luna and Celestia hadn't taken back their crowns. Equestria under the rule of Prince Blueblood, Commander Ditzy, and Chancellor Pinkie, the rise of the New Lunar Empire, and Celestia catching up on untold millennia of vacations and vegging out.

[RazorWing_GB]

2176569 I- I found a typo, "...'surrenerding' to Discord..."
Excellent story BTW.

[NotShadowLotus488]

2755019 *drops in Gaige from Borderlands 2 into Pinkie's party*
ANARCHY FOREVER!!! SMASH THE SYSTEM!!!

[Profesionalac]

its not politics its blackmail

[Imperator45]

7416822 Isn't that the same thing?

[Chrome Masquerade]

Glorious! 10/10!