• Member Since 16th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 15th, 2018


Comments ( 30 )

rusty! you clever clever dog:rainbowwild:
what if luna wanted you to do that?:trixieshiftright:

Now I see the reason for all the thumbs-downs. The first and most obvious problem is the WALL OF TEXT. Put some space between your paragraphs.

Second is the pacing. You're trying to squeeze 5,000-10,000 words' worth of story into just over 1,500. At that rate, the plot makes no sense whatsoever. Why does Luna give him this? What's going on? "Luna gives an amulet to him and he ejaculates on Twilight." That's the entire plot. No setting, no build-up, no emotion. And I can't believe you actually used the word "ejaculate". Using medical terms like that detracts from the emotion, something this fic is already lacking to begin with.

2174995 First off, I would like to apologize for the lack of indentation, I forgot that the margin settings from Microsoft Works Word does not carry over when I copy and paste.:facehoof: Second, I thank you for letting me know about my use of the word "ejaculates", I'm not really sure what I was thinking there. :derpytongue2: As for the lack of plot, it is coming in later chapters.

2175145 It's also about the spacing between the chapters that I'm concerned about. Most people press enter twice when starting a new paragraph, not just once. Also, you seem to have misunderstood what I said about plot. Don't add more to this until you've fixed what you already have. You rushed through this chapter so quickly that the word "rushed" doesn't adequately describe it.

I checked your profile and saw that you are a new writer. Never, ever start your fanfic writing career with clop. Erotic fiction needs a special approach that requires a bit more experience to pull off. You should practice your writing skills with regular stories first.

That's the entire plot. No setting, no build-up, no emotion.

As for the lack of plot, it is coming in later chapters.

You can't be fucking serious. That's not what he meant.

Here. You can thank me later.

It was an ok story a bit too short but still.

2175286 Hmm... Where I'm from we don't traditionally add an extra return when writing, but may I ask what you suggest I change?

2179481 Over 99% of all authors on this site (and 100% of all the skilled authors) double space their stories. It just spaces things out and makes it easier to read. It's not actually a "rule" per se, but it is highly recommended. If this was an essay or official document, then a single space like you have here would be recommended, but this is not an essay; it is a story.

What I suggest you change is the story's status from "Incomplete" to "On Hiatus". Then go check out some of the popular stories and see how those authors do things. Browse the groups- I'm sure some of them are for people like you who need help with getting experience. After that, you should try writing some other stories; ones that do not have clop. It'll probably take at least a few months before you have enough experience to fix this.

2180905 I'll think about it, but on another note, as long as you feel like helping me would you mind reading my other fan fiction on this site? I would appreciate your feedback on that story as well. And no, that story does not have an extra return either.

2184283 No, I can't help you with your other fic. You made it quite clear that it's a pony x human clopfic. I go well out of my way to avoid those at all costs.

Please make another chapter.... If that's okay with you...:fluttershysad:

2280432 I will, don't worry, I have just been busy and have not had time to write. I thought it would be fare to change it form incomplete to on hiatus because I don't know when I will be able to write again. Sorry.

262827 Well I'm hoping once school is done I'll have more energy and time to write, sorry about this super long break but it should only be about two more weeks and I'll start writing again hopefully.

2637731 alright, and one more question: How is this romantic?!?! she's brainwashed! is this some kind of sex game Twi and Luna are playing or something because if not, this is practically a harem fic!

2745686 *cough cough.* Anything that doesn't fit into any other catagory gets put under romantic. That's just what I did because I don't know what else to put this under. :ajbemused:

2753797 Random maybe? it sure a hell beats 'romantic' anything would! dark, slice of life, alt universe! i don't care. either make this some sick sex game between the actual lovers, or change the category. because this is NOT romantic in the slightest.

I am happy to see this progress! :pinkiehappy:

While the present-tense perspective still feels really weird to me, I'm liking where this is going and would love to see it continued.
Chapter two feels a lot stronger than chapter one for some reason, better written. More comfortable to read.

Despite the Hiatus tag, I sure hope you publish more soon!

2900086 I swear I changed that Hiatus tag when I uploaded the latest chapter. :facehoof:

"now, she is wearing an enchanted necklace that will… encourage her to have sex with you. Once you penetrate her, she will bend to your will, allowing you to do whatever you want with her."

You seemed to have forgotten a step regarding that magical macguffin in this chapter.

2984939 Oh... It seems I have. Give me a break it's been 5 months since I've written about this story.

Quick note, not that it's anything big, but the chapter title says; "Capter," instead of 'Chapter.'

2984939 I went back and more or less fixed it... I wish I had remember the penetrate thing sooner though...

huzzah the clop has been doubled:twilightsmile:

Well that escalated quickly and also deescalated ( I know its not a word) quickly bit you know what they say, nice guys finish first, or maybe he was just a bit...Rusty

he isn’t a foalafile, he can’t do that to a little filly.

Doooo iiiiiiiit :pinkiecrazy:

Is this ever going to be updated? I was really enjoying it!

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