John and his friends are exploring a mine when everything goes horribly, horribly wrong. After watching his friends die in front of him, John is saved by the newly crowned Twilight Sparkle. Now he must lean to deal with everything he's lost as he strives to fit into a the strange world of Equestria.
This is just a writing exercise for me while some of my other (non ponee) ideas marinate. Specifically, I'm trying to make my descriptions more vivid, show, not tell, and characterization. Probably could work on pacing, too. Any feedback is appreciated.
Chapters (7)
Dear lord i can already tell this is going to be a great story
Please.... PLEASE!!!!! MOOOOOOOREEEE
this is going to be a alsome story
Well the pacing was sudden, but I guess it's worth watching
your story is instresting
This seems pretty good. I will be waiting for the new chapter.
Finally! A new chapter!
Glad to see this continue! So, are Twilight's friends just super-prepared/paranoid about what disasters her magic might wreak, or are we to assume that the code system gets used fairly often?
Also, if AJ, Dash, Spike and Twilight are the only ones in the room at the end, where did the extra three pairs of eyes come from? Did you mean to say just six eyes, or are there other characters in the library?
Yay, more please!
2614069
The code's a little deeper than that, and I tried to imply that it was Spike's idea more than anything else. I guess I'll have to be a little more clear on that in the next chapter.
Six pairs, of course. Everyone has two pairs of eyes, right?
Good catch, by the way. It's hard to proofread when 2AM logic kicks in. I'll fix it as soon as I can.
Anyway, to everyone else I haven't replied to, I really appreciate your comments. It's just that I go to a writing group with all my real (non-poni) projects, and their reviews are more along the lines of, "Your grammar is bad here," or, "this is too telly; show us instead."
You need to separate the scenes when you were transitioning between Twilight and John
Well, another story where Spike gets abused.
Well I would think it would be pretty practical to have the codes, I'm sure Twilight of all ponies would appreciate the logic!
Well, while the human is going through physical and emotional trauma, they're laughing it up at his expense. That'll make him feel great! Wonder if Spike will finally stand up for himself for once? Dude gets no appreciation I tell you!
More please!
Short chapter is extremely short
2660938 Hey don't be like that, the author is just following cannon.
I like how you made the mane 6 act just like they do in the show, incappable of getting their shit together. And I am being serious to, I have alot of dislike for the Mane 6, especially ever since that Boast Busters episode. They were acting like they grew up in douche bag city in that one.
But that is off topic... uumm... nice story, I am totally going to fav. Hope to read more
Very short chapter. Luna doesn't aprove.
I like the almost Lovecraftian quality this story starts with
2702899
Thanks, you're the first one to catch that.
Anyway I'm not really sure I pulled it off. I'm nowhere near as good as Lovecraft when it comes to horror and suspense.
Instead of indenting, could you leave a line in between paragraphs, it's difficult to read when the writing looks like so clustered together. Don't think you should have stopped there, since this chapter could barely be seen as even a filler chapter, just them talking about getting blood out of their manes and talking about tea
. Now combine longer chapters with more development and you'll be golden! 
Looking forward to what you have next.
I 2nd what JBL said, not much in this chapter, and a extra line insted of an indent between paragraphs would make it look less forbiding...
Wow. Short chapter. And that whole thing with RD and AJ at the end was kind of pointless.
Is this just so you can keep us interested in the story for when you get the time to write again?
2745528 I agree, it didn't fit with the general atmosphere; I'm sure John wouldn't appreciate it if he had heard them!
disappointed
traumatic
looser? LOOSER?! LOOSER??!!!!
Whyyyyy do people keep making this mistake? Oh well. The word is 'loser'.
More please!
*poke* *poke*... I think it's dead...
5762951
Yeppers, probably so.
Too bad, though. It was getting to the good bit.
9654866
Not as good as you'd think. Honestly, from this point it pretty much would have turned in to a pretty tame slice of life kind of deal. I don't even remember most of the plot points anymore, but here are some of the more interesting ones.
Princess Celestia and Luna would have shown up before too long, Celestia would have expressed her disgust and displeasure that a HUMAN was on HER world, and demanded that Twi return it immediately, pointing out that humans are violent, selfish creatures, created by a violent, selfish god. Twi doesn't even remember how to get back to Earth, much less have the power to bring John back at the moment, and Celestia refuses to stoop so low as to do it herself. Luna points out that John's hardly in a position to do much harm, and suggests that Celestia calm her divine tushie. Celestia acquiesces, but tells Twi, "This isn't over." and the princesses peace out.
Beyond that, it's just John adjusting, coping with nightmares, trauma, a world that's built for quadrupeds half his size, and the fact that he's probably never going to see his family again. There was gonna be some shenanigans in which John goes after the CMC into the Everfree and they encounter a manticore, at which point John simply scoops up the three little shits and RUNS THE FUCK AWAY. Manticore pursues, nearly catching them, and just when John's certain that the thing's about to pounce and kill them all, the forest breaks and John runs out into a clearing that's supernaturally still and peaceful, and the manticore is suddenly gone. Luna's there, because Deus Ex Machina, and after she teleports the three precocious rascals home, she tells John that she's impressed by his bravery and perseverance. John protests, but Luna quiets him, claims her as his own, and gives him her blessing. No, not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter. Anyway, she tells him that he belongs to her now, and that she's going to call on him to perform certain tasks.
Time passes, but just when John's thinking that the whole encounter with Luna must have been a dream, she calls on him and brings him to a far corner of the world. At this point Luna delivers some exposition, explaining that part of the falling out between her and Celestia is that she'd taken it upon herself to protect the ponies (and everyone else, I guess) from the deep, dark things that prey upon flesh and souls, the predatory things that crawl between dimensions, cause madness and suffering, etc, etc. Celestia didn't like what this self imposed guardianship was doing to Luna, and made her swear to stop. Luna reluctantly agreed, but, being the trickster goddess that she is, found a loophole. She began to call Knights (See what I did there?) to beat back the darkness, and though she could not join them in battle, she blessed them with a small measure of her power and protection. Yada, yada, yada, fancy schmancy bullshit about divine callings and Lovecraftian nightmares starting to find footholds in Equestria again, and eventually she tells him he's now the first in a new order of Knights, and she wants him to go stab the darkness in the face.
Problem is that this deep, dark creature that she wants him to stab in the face is pretty much exactly like the thing that nearly killed him back on Earth. John's scared shitless, but does as his new goddess commands and delves deep into the bowels of the earth and, in spite of his fear and weakness, nearly failing and dying, manages to stab the darkness in the face. It's super effective.
Luna's ecstatic.
Anyway, after that it's just more drama bullshit about John finally settling in to his role in the Ponyville community. Maybe he gets transformed into a pony at some point. Maybe a bit of romance. Who knows.
So, yeah. Nothing groundbreaking. Theme's pretty much nonexistent, tone's all over the place, we follow a vulgar, weepy, mopey, character as he stumbles through adapting to an alien world populated by quadrupeds who're almost entirely innocent, and it doesn't really have a clear endpoint or satisfying conclusion.
Honestly, I'm flabbergasted that anyone even remembers this piece.
9655917
Um, no - I completely agree, this is how these pieces tend to go, and at this point they're often indistinguishable from one another.
No, the good part is always the bit where ponies are shocked about, and then come to grips with, there being other intelligent life. It's usually funny, and I like that bit. :)
I'm also into "corrupting innocence" - in a big way - so when ponies are confronted with harsh realities, I just eat that shit up. Such emotion. Much anguish. So pain. Naivety burns, innocence lost. ;]
Also, my mind is squarely planted in the gutter. There isn't enough of Luna making the, uh, claiming, so that's now officially my headcanon for this fic. :D
This would've been fun to hear, word for word. :D