- Member Since 22nd Aug, 2011
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
BillyColt
Hello. I'm BillyColt. In real life, I'm a dweeby music student from California. Here, I write Pony fanfiction.http://billycolt.tumblr.com/
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Pretty unique premise and main character. Well-written and paced, and with an interesting scenario.
Looking good for a first chapter, in terms of quality and chapter length. Looking forward to a future update!
A FOE story from the author of The Book of Friendship? You have my attention, and the attention of anyone else who'll listen to me.
I like what you've done here. Characters are diverse and interesting. Dialogue feels natural. You do a good job of weaving subtle exposition into the narration without cluttering it (I especially like how you interspersed snippets of Scootaloo's message to the overmare throughout the narration; it makes the story accessible, even to those who haven't read FOE, by mentioning things like the war with the zebras, the bombs, Stable-tec, social experiments, etc.).
I like how your characters all have very obvious names. I see a lot of authors (myself included) putting a lot of time and effort into their characters' names, but it's really rather refreshing to see everyone be exactly what it says on the tin.
And I especially like how your narrative takes its time with setting up the story, but while still accomplishing the important things a first chapter should accomplish (namely: catching my attention, and introducing the main character(s)). A more hackneyed FOE story might have had a gang of raiders simply break into the stable halfway through the chapter...
Instead, we get time to see what the condition of the stable is like, and get a feel for how the ponies there make their lives. And, honestly, it seems pretty benign. Boss is a dick, but she's apparently the only pony in there who hates her job. There's freedom of expression, freedom of information, and though the overmare is strictly a dictator by definition of her role, she's ultimately a benevolent one, so it works out.
I'm eager to see what comes next.
Oh, you goofed and called it stable 55 in there somewhere, btw.
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Ohhh, dang it. I'll have to fix that up. Heh. I made a number of errors while writing it - couldn't remember if this was stable 51 or 52, hehe.
A few typos, but a good start otherwise.
I really like you've done with this story so far. Please keep going. (I'll be
stalkingfollowing your progress on the Pony Fanfiction Thread)Two ponies down in three days. No punches being pulled here. Doesn't seem too bothered about killing raiders though.
And it looks like she got a witty one-liner off after all. Like a boss!
Well that certainly wasn't what I was expecting. Though, I dunno what I was expecting anyway.
Boss is surely off to a pretty ignominious start to her wasteland adventures.
Afraid I don't have too much else to say about this chapter, though. The use of the radio gave us some exposition to set the stage for where this takes place and when, relative to the FOE timeline. Beyond that, the action scenes actually struck me as kind of flat; very clinical descriptions with bullet counts and everything. Maybe that's just Boss being very attentive to what's happening, but aside from wondering if Fixit was gonna make it or not, it lacked any real tension. Maybe that's just me.
In any case, I'm intrigued to see where this is going. Somehow, I bet that Wheelie will have a habit of showing up every now and again.
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Heh. Sorry if this chapter was kinda boring. Its main purpose is mostly exposition; establishing the timeframe and location and giving a few details about some of the things going on in this corner of the wasteland.
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Well, the chapter itself wasn't boring. Just the action scenes were kinda bland. That aside, you did a good job of setting the stage of the wasteland. And I was intrigued to see Boss' reaction to seeing the outside. Stable dwellers' first steps are something I'm always interested to see, and I like that Boss' was more awe than fear, as I've seen a lot of people just go right for agoraphobia with their dwellers.
Good story. Adding to my group.
Alrighty then, now I'm interested. I like side-fics that subvert many expectations, for one, the protagonist is not some errand mare for the Overmare. She is the Overmare. So I gotta hand it to Boss for pitching to do the work herself instead of delegating it to an unknown member of the Stable and sit on her butt waiting for him to arrive. Overtly cautious, rightfully so given the early violent encounters with the Tox. But I do believe that Righteous Hammer saved Boss a LOT of trouble detaining Slim Slick would would've surly gone down the path of exploiting Boss's Stable residents. How fortuitous Boss managed to crawl out of Stable 51 just a day before The Battle of Fillydelphia concludes, lucky. So I'm very much looking forward to how you interpret a story taking place in the Era of Sunshine of Rainbows.
The downed Enclave craft may pose a problem. What with panicked pegasi soldiers believing themselves to be trapped behind enemy lines and separated from the chain of command would probably be way too trigger happy to parley with Boss if she ever encounters them.
Anyways, upvoting and faving your fic.
Great chapter, can't tell you how happy I am to see an update!
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)