The results for the next chapter
I have the results for the next chapter, let's count the votes.
Trixie-2
Twilight-6
Rarity-5
The next chapter will be about Twilight teaching Rainbow Dash, be prepared to vote for the next lesson, but not until the next chapter comes out.
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YES! I am victorious.
Was there ever any doubt?
I'm voting for Rarity next chapter coz she needs to learn how to be a proper princess before that meeting and illusion magic isn't that important!
Also
[youtube=WRu_-9MBpd4]
2362440You forget its RD here princess or not she needs to make a entrines as in fire works and smoke and maybe some red lighting bolts for efect
2362900 still priorities!
( Warning : Wall of Text! )
Introduction :
I guess you will be quite suprised seeing this. Hoho, you received a Favourite, you received a Like... Let's point it clear, okay? Being absolutely, brutally honest as Applejack, I decided to do it because of the story idea and potential, not because you have actually written it good. Grit your teeth, it will be seriously brutal. Friendly reminder, this is nothing personal and I'm doing this, hoping that it will help you improving your story. So, let's do this :
---
Welcome to the review, that was brought to you for the Sake and Glory of Authors Helping Authors group.
Name of the Story :
Ehm, ehm... I guess you know that one, don't you?
Grammatic Score :
Okay, listen up. As a not native English speaker, I have no idea, how is your grammatic. However! I spotted some serious derping with capital letters ( heck, even your short description have a mistake with capital letters using ).
Pros :
- Idea
Being brutally honest, it's one of the few pros, this story have. As the fan of Somepony-Of-Mane-Six-But-Not-Twilight Alicorn, I liked the general thingy.
- Ehm... entertaining?
This story is written in such language, that I don't have much problem with reading entire thingy in a few dozens minutes.
- Mane Six ( but not Rainbow Dash ) stays close to canon.
Why Rainbow Dash not, you will see below...
Cons :
- Entire story is almost as rushed as Magical Mystery Cure, if not more.
Okay, let's sum it up.
In First Chapter - You changed Rainbow into Alicorn from nowhere, Twilight and RD talked with almost everypony of Mane Six about it, you send letter to Celestia, you received letter from Celestia, you introduced two new OC's, you make travel from Cloudsdale to Ponyville... All in 2833 Words.
Second Chapter. - Oh men, you broke the record. You introduced 5 New OC'es. The entire goverment system of Cloudsdale introduced. You changed scenery Eight Times! in... 2743 Words!
Third Chapter - You made Rainbow Dash a total mental breakdown, and in the same Chapter she dealt with it! In same Chapter, Rainbow Dash traveled to her parents, cried, make some sweety-peepy talkin' stuff and decided to build castle in Ponyville... all in... 2514 Words
Okay, okay, I'm start nitpicking, conclusion!
Slower. Slower. Slower. Slower. Descriptions, this story needs them. Also, do not change scenery so fast, it makes the entire story incredibly confusing.
- A bit OOC.
Rainbow Dash stuff in general :
It definetely do not sound like Rainbow Dash. First off, Rainbow Dash don't think about this stuff. I wouldn't say she don't think at all, but she isn't the type of pony who can actually come up with such idea. Also...
- Drama!
Actually, it's more like result, of all the cons I mention above. Rainbow Dash in this fic is bigger drama queen than Rarity in original show.
Final Notes and Conclusion!
Okay, I was a bit rude, didn't I? I want to apologise for that. Let's then check the Conclusion Box. In general, the things ( in my opinion ) you should correct in your story :
- Longer Chapters.
- Stop changing Scenery so fast.
- Stop Drama.
- Made Rainbow Dash a Rainbow Dash.
And also, I just couldn't leave this review with my favourite conclusion-sentence! This story isn't a masterpiece, but has potential to become one. Work hard, and in the end I guess that this story can be actually written good. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.
This was the review of Authors Helping Authors group. If it's okay with you, please review my story : 2986 Steps.
Stay Awesome
Verlax
2368528 Well I have to agree that Rainbow Dash is a bit OOC, but that can be easily fixed, and I agree for the story length, but that is going to be a problem with me, I'm not the best at describing a scene. Hell, the story that does the best for description is Lightning Struck, but that was because I made sure to add no dialogue to it.
Greetings, friend. You requested a review from the good folks at WRITE, and I have taken it upon myself to answer your call.
I'll start from the top, and work until we've got enough stuff to cover. I don't want to overwhelm you all at once, and I'm seeing quite a few things that recur throughout the story, so the concepts are the important things here. Let's find a few teaching points, shall we?
Synopsis and Concept:
I gotta be honest here, "X Becomes an Alicorn" fics are a dime a dozen, and the fact that you've managed to write one about the mane 6 and keep the good vote ratio you have is astonishing to me. Normally, I would probably throw a mild tantrum over the break from canon, but I see that you've wisely employed your [Alternate Universe] tag. Curse you! Foiled again by the power of
lovelogic!As far as actual points of critique go, my only problem with the synopsis is that there's just no hook.
With two lines, you've almost made reading your first chapter unnecessary. You just told us flat out what was going to happen. While that might work for starting off a plotline, it's a very integral part of your story, and there's no mystery in it. A good summary should tantalize, but not tell.
To really make it plain, synopses are like bikinis: what they reveal is important, but what they hide is vital.
Mechanics of Writing:
Ooh boy, this part really makes me grit my teeth. I'm very glad to see a writer who knows where the semicolon hides on the keyboard—too few are aware of its existence—but if semicolons and commas were children I'd have to call Social Services on you, because your writing is horribly abusive to them both.
Ow. Okay, this is just one example of hundreds (and no, I'm not exaggerating...), but we need to talk about what a comma is for and—more importantly—what it is NOT for.
A comma is used to combine phrases. Specifically, it is used with INCOMPLETE or DEPENDENT phrases, the sort of things that can't stand on their own, grammatically. You can sort of staple them onto other thoughts that they reenforce.
As you can see, the first part of your line IS a complete sentence. Well, sorta. By itself, it's not really very well-worded, from a grammar standpoint. But I'll ignore that, and just say that it IS a complete thought. The second line, however, is obviously not a complete thought nor sentence. It carries on from the first, so you combine it with the comma.
Okay, here's the problem. Not only is this line a complete thought and a complete sentence, but it's not continuing the thought from the previous sentence. I'll show you:
You NEED to break these out into independent sentences wherever you can. Wanna see the worst offenders?
51 words in a single sentence.
61-word sentence here.
62
Every single one of these is just another example of multiple sentences that you've tacked together like a child with a stapler and distracted parents. And honestly, I swear you must have edited it, because I know for a fact that last Friday I saw a ninety-eight word sentence in there somewhere.
These are catastrophically bad. Not just because you're jumping from thought to thought without giving the audience time to react, but who would want to read a sentence that long even if it was grammatically perfect? A period is more than a punctuation tool for a writer, it's a signal that tells a reader that a new thought is coming, a new line, something different. It allows your mind a small pause before it goes on. It's the same reason that we tend to double-return our paragraphs here on the internet, since we don't have page breaks to allow readers to gather themselves every so often.
Please go read up and study. Think of the
childrencommas, won't you?Now, having complained myself almost inside out about grammar, there's still things to talk about. Sadly, even if your story were polished to a mirror finish, it would still be mediocre at best. There's a few things that you should practice in the future on the storytelling side.
Showing and Telling:
This is telling. It's a cardinal sin of the storyteller, which is sort of ironic, considering that "tell" is part of the word storyteller... I digress.
The point is, you don't let the audience engage. You TOLD us that she stirred because of knocking. You TOLD us that she didn't want to answer it. You TOLD us that she wanted to sleep in. These are all things that we could and should be able to interpret ourselves from your story's clues.
What I've done is tried to rewrite that part via SHOWING. The difference is that I simply SHOWED the audience Rainbow's actions and reactions, and most of what's implied comes across well.
In a nutshell, telling is lazy writing.
Why not SHOW us she's annoyed instead? She could growl, throw something, do any sort of action that lets the audience figure these things out. The reason you need to do this is because telling people things doesn't engage them. No one ever became engrossed by a PowerPoint slide in a business meeting. Let—nay, MAKE—the audience figure things out for themselves, then they engage and they become part of your story themselves. Immersion is the key to being a successful writer. You have to make the audience believe that your story is real, that is exists and they're just getting to learn about it for themselves. When something cool is gonna happen, you don't just wanna tell your friend about it, you drag them along so they can see it for themselves. Same idea here.
Plot, Pacing, Etc.:
Okay, I know I'm getting long-winded here, but I just want to touch on one more thing before I go. This fic is guilty of a few things, like the comma abuse and telling, but the other major problem is the story's direction, and moreso how you're getting there. If this were a roleplaying game, you'd be accused of railroading the players down a fixed path. Since it's a story, though, I'm going to call it Author Fiat, and it simply means that the story is happening only because you say so, with no internal motivation.
- Rainbow Dash is an alicorn. Why? Because the plot demands it.
- Why are the pegasi led by an alicorn? Because the plot demands it.
- Why is Dash scared of the public praising her instead of thinking of herself as a superhero? Because the plot demands that there be pathos.
- Why does nopony seem to bat an eyelash that there's a spectral ALICORN instead of their best friend? Um... I have no idea. Hell, you even lampshaded it yourself!
I'm sorry, but that's absurd. If your best friend came over to your house one morning, and suddenly they're a GIRL instead of a BOY, you'd have a freaking reaction. And you do this for each one of the mane 6 in turn. Hell, their reactions should have been hilarious, or at least varied and intense, but we get nothing.
These are all signs that the story can't hold itself up under its own weight, and that you haven't done much planning. A story is not simple: you can't just start writing and have good things come out via willpower, you have to plan. You have to think about characters in terms of their personalities, histories, and relationships. And you can't file out-of-character moments away under [Alternate Universe], either.
Ideally, an author should present a scenario, and let the story write itself naturally, as the characters act and react to the situation that you've set forth. What we have here, though, is an audience watching the writer play with sock puppets. The actions are all forced by your thoughts alone, and it's painfully aware that all the characters are voiced by the same person.
Final Verdict: 2/5 Pinkies
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw1156_small.jpg
There's a few good ideas in here, but they're buried. Deeply buried. Keep writing (because nothing makes a better writer quite like practice), but I highly suggest that you find yourself someone who can edit for you and hopefully start drilling you on punctuation and sentence structure, and I also suggest that you read more, and read CONSTRUCTIVELY. Don't just enjoy a good story, dig into it and try to pull out points that explain WHY a story is good. Make yourself more of a student of writing. There are lots and lots and lots of great pages on TV Tropes, if nothing else.
- OtterMatt, WRITE Co-Founder and Composer Laureate
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/WRITE01.png
Rarity next :P
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critic Society.
Story Title: Queen of Cloudsdale
Author: hamcon
Reviewed By: Blankscape
As it is, ‘Queen of Cloudsdale’ leaves much to be desired and has a lot to make up for. The absence of any sense of captivation and engagement in the writing puts it off as a dull and lazy attempt and sorely lacks effort to reach and relate to the reader. As a result, this story of Rainbow Dash becoming an alicorn feels largely far-fetched and underdeveloped, so hamcon will need to up his ante if he has any hope of salvaging this story.
Full Review
Score: 3/10
2188125 ...wandering? everything else was fine, but that's odd....
Is this story dead?
5772470 Yes, I don't speak for the audience. It is after all a review from my singular stand point, so there are bound to be people who don't agree with me. And yes the ECC is technically unofficial, but the whole notion of fan fiction is even more so. So I can have whatever opinion I want about this story and you can't do anything about it. In my defense, the writer was the one who submitted this story up for review in the first place. I only gave him what I thought were my honest to goodness thoughts about it. Maybe if his own belief in the story wasn't so shaky and he actually loved telling the story more than getting likes or views, he wouldn't have stopped writing it in the first place. So if you love this story so much, why don't you ask the writer to transfer authorship to you and continue writing if you love this story so much? Nothing can change the fact he got cold feet after reading just one review, and neither will your whining.
5772656
Get one thing straight, it was my job to review this story when I was part of the group. He submitted it to be reviewed, and of the very few members who gave their precious free time and actually cared to read through the hundreds of stories that were submitted to us, I was chosen to write a review for this, among many others assigned stories as well. Things might have changed now under new management, but back then it was SOP to notify both the writer AND readers by posting a short version of the review in the comments. It wouldn't be much of a review if only one person read it, after all. And let's assume if that weren't the case--that if I had just sent him a PM about it, and he just dropped this story without telling you guys why like every other dead story on this site. Do you think that would make it any better? I'm fairly confident your answer will be a 'no.'
And you can't blame me for giving it a low score. That's just the way of the world, people having vastly different opinions. Good day, ser.
srsly you need better grammar. Hath thou heard of the amazing thing known as ENGLISH CLASS? Because a 6th grader can, has, and WILL a.) Chew you out on the grammar mistakes. b.) Have FUN yelling at you about grammar mistakes. c.) Give this dishrag of a story to their English teacher to read.
However, this story is not entirely irredeemable. Have fun fixing the run-on sentences, comma abuse, and everything else!!! I mean really this was me at the grammar. wat WAT uhg...
ps I think it should be Rarity next.
Next one?
HELLO?? I feel like im in an empty room all alone. My only friend Queen of Cloudsdale died.
I think.