• Member Since 21st Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 3rd, 2019

ElkinFencer10


Um, hi. I'm Stephen, though a lot of the time (especially in gaming), I go by Church. I teach high school history and collect video games from all eras and consoles.

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A new stallion moves to Ponyville, but it's clear from his interactions with the townsfolk that something is constantly bothering him. Twilight Sparkle decides to befriend the new pony and try to help him forget the pain of his past in whatever way she can, but the specter of war can add unexpected complications to any plan.

This story is on its second major revision, and there are a few things I want to clarify about it. First, the OC is NOT supposed to be based solely on me, and none of the events in the story ever actually occurred. Events in my life have influenced the story, and the story and characters represent my emotions, but it is not my intention to "ponify" myself in this story nor am I attempting to chronicle any part of my life. I went into a bit more detail about my changing focus and such in a blog that I encourage everyone who knows me IRL or who has followed this story for a while now to skim quickly so as to minimize confusion.

My thanks to thedarkprep for encouraging me to start writing this instead of just talking about doing it!

Chapters (21)
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Comments ( 84 )

And you said you weren't good at creative writing. This is good! :pinkiehappy:

the only constructive criticism I will give is in regards to where you wrote:

He had a certain air of sadness about him, but not the sort of sadness that accompanies recent bad news. It was as if sadness had become his "normal," but he was good at hiding it. Were Fluttershy a less perceptive pony, she probably wouldn't have noticed at all.

I feel like you convey that somehow without telling it. Maybe having the conversation go on a bit longer and him getting distracted, or her noticing subtle quirks. However, it's not a story killer in any account.

I look forward to reading the rest, it looks like it will be a great story :twilightsmile:

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:pinkiehappy: Thanks! Yeah, I know I'm a decent writer, but it's stuff like that - stuff that is important in creative writing but absent in academic writing - that I'm not quite so good with. That's why I want all of the constructive criticism I can get. I'll see if I can improve that in later chapters. :twilightsmile:

Its a good idea. I like where this is going, keep it up.

If you want longer chapters, I find that being in the scene helps a lot. Conversations, for example, fill up text because there are statements, reactions, and descriptions of movements and emotions. Then there's actions. For example, you could have had the scene of him finding his dog play in real time, having it come back to the present for him to say the last two lines. That being said, I thought the conversations were very natural and that you exposed as much as needed (no need to say more than you did on the crusaders for example, since they're supplementary to the story). I really enjoyed this chapter :twilightsmile:

AHHHHHHHH I JUST NOTICED A COMMA SPLICE AT THE END.

#disgrace


(it's fixed now; crisis averted)

Ah the b.s. filler that has plagued writers...DAM you high school egl

I say continue, as long as there's something else to say, say it :twilightsmile:

That's what's great about stories about life, they kind of keep going.
I like what you've written so far, but I'd like to see what the relationship would be like, especially since Razor is still dealing with his past which would probably affect the relationship.

On a side note, as the founder of the Appaloosan Paranormal Study Organization, I say good riddance, Razor can do better.

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Bahahahaha. You're fucking awesome. Yeah, once Razor and Flame heard that one pony say that she could channel ghosts into her hoof, they were like "Fuck this shit."

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I must not have been there when they said that; I would've fired them for it (or had a talk with them if they weren't board members). I tried to keep things as objective as possible while telling everyone not to take unnecessary risks.

Oh well, it's somepony else's problem now :raritywink:

Rainbow wanting special armor, wonder what she will do with it

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I may or may not have had a long time fantasy of shouting that at a certain somepony....It's amazing how good it feels to live out dreams via writing. :twilightsheepish:

This story is just starting to heat up... I like it!!

Oh good heavens, I need to proofread this whole story....there's tomorrow's project...

I like that we were talking about a war with griffons before the chapter went up. Should be exciting :twilightsmile:

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Haha, yeah, I was wanting to do something along those lines at some point, but our conversation definitely got me thinking more about it and inspired me to throw it in now. It may or may not turn out well - I've never tried writing anything "action-y" before - but hey, I'll never get good at it if I don't start trying, right?

Comment posted by thedarkprep deleted Aug 28th, 2013
Comment posted by ElkinFencer10 deleted Aug 28th, 2013

I laughed so hard when I read "Appaloosan Paranormal Study Organization"! This is a very well-written chapter, as was the last one. Yikes, Flame is a bitch! This seems pretty therapeutic for you, so keep it up!

(Side note: where's Pinkie? I miss her.) :pinkiehappy:

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I bet you have.

Razor and Twilight are such a cute couple!!!

The only thing is that Razor's speech pattern is a bit inconsistent. Sometimes he's very colloquial and other times very formal and Old-English-like, and they change randomly. Perhaps you can work on marrying the two styles?

I'm gonna continue reading 7 and 8. Great work!

Comment posted by ElkinFencer10 deleted Aug 28th, 2013

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Trust me, you don't want to know what happens to pinkie... :unsuresweetie:

Please give that wingless gryffon a part?

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Haha, maybe if you're good, Saddle Clause will bring you a chapter that features him for Hearth Warming Eve. :rainbowlaugh:

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Eeyup. Not, like, 500 kiloton bombs or anything, of course, but yeah. :pinkiehappy:

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Shit got real, yo. Celestia should banish somepony to the moon. :rainbowlaugh:

2299631 that would solve all the problems, wouldn't it? or just send Celestia out to make a mini sun and throw it at the griffon empire. :trollestia:

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....so THAT'S what the megafire spells from Fallout: Equestria were...haha

But the last time fluttershy tryed for peace she sent the world into nuclear fire :0

This story needs more attention. It's awesome. :moustache:

This looks good, now...for me to read on!

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:pinkiehappy: I'm so glad you're enjoying it!

Ouch.. I have a feeling Luna is going to carry that guilt for the rest of the war now.

Very nice! Please, please make more!

This is making me hate griffons.:trixieshiftleft:

Thank you for not making me destroy you. You represented Gilda with tact and respect, and therefore I will call back my demon squad from your premises.

On a less personal note, awesome chapter! I have some notes I want to make, but we'll talk on Facebook when I get off work (I'm taking my 15 right now).

Once again, great job!

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Please do send me any notes that you had. You know better than anyone that I want to improve as a writer. I'm about to go out to dinner with a couple friends, but shoot me a FB message whenever, and I'll look at it when I get home. Glad you approve of my portrayal of Gilda. :twilightsmile:

Well damn, that just happened

Ha. Ghost Recon

I get it.

Also, I see you took my advice on the secret agent, this will be awesome

Well, it's nice to know that there's somepony on this site who doesn't think pre-martial sex is the swaggest thing since disintegrated bananas. Anyways, I know I'm fairly late here, but so far I like the story. It's a little iffy in places, but it makes up for it with its story and characterization. Good job bro.

Lol, mass effect reference. God, I love that series. Anyways, this Es another good chapter. I liked how you showed emotion here. Formatting was off, you should seperate events a little better, with indents and spaces and such. It was dialogue heavy, so I would be more descriptive of what's going on while they're talking. The pacing is also off. Everything is happening so fast, I feel confused. You should pad it more, but not with random stuff. Maybe Razor is looking through several jackets and ties while choosing his outfit? That way, we can see how much detail he is putting into the situation while making the story a bit longer at the same time. If you ever need help with talking about ties I can help.

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