• Member Since 25th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Ehrlichkeit


T

Pre Alicorn Twilight, AU tag is for very minor things. (Writing started before season 4, so everything after that is considered non-canon for this world)

Every 7 years, 9 weeks and 3 days, the stars align just perfectly creating a line of stars to power Luna's teleportation spell to a different world. A world that nopony knows about, not even her sister. This specific day has come up, and Luna has recently been having horrible nightmares and needs a few days off. But when Twilight interrupts Princess Luna's spell on accident and she is sucked along with Luna to this planet they are unable to return to their home. For seven years. This planet is not safe either, oh no, it is a very primitive version of their own world in fact. Ponies are not advanced and have no modern day ethics or civilizations, many warring city states and small empires plague the beautiful world, and it is these groups that will challenge the two ponies past the brink of exhaustion, both mentally and physically. These two will need every ounce of strength to survive, and Twilight will be exposed to things she never could have imagined. They need to get back home, and as soon as possible, for there is terror brewing on both worlds, both here and back home.

Normal Twilight, Dark tag is light dark, no torture or things like that. There will be action however, and some mild descriptions of wounds and what not. no more dark tag :twilightsmile:


I did not create this picture nor do I own the rights to it. If the artist would like me to take down the picture and replace it with a new one, please contact me via PM and I will take down the picture within 24 hours.
Picture found here: http://cyberdrace.deviantart.com/art/Ambassador-of-the-Night-338278046

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 104 )

Well, this is an interesting start, and I'll keep an eye on it. But I really recommend that you find an editor. You could really use one. There are a few problems that really stuck out to me:
1) You switch from past tense to present tense at least once in the beginning.
2) The last quarter of the story is center-aligned for some reason (I assume this was just a tag mishap).
3) But the biggest problem is that this chapter seems to be far too much of an exposition dump. I get that you're really excited about the headcanon/magic system that you've developed, and you want to share it with us, but you need to do it in a way that doesn't bore readers by just telling them everything. Just show us the effects and give the minimum amount of explanation needed. It's okay if the audience doesn't learn the entire system, and you certainly don't want to try to teach it all at once.

5043519 Thank you for the advice sir, I really do appreciate it. The center alignment is a bug from google>fimfiction transfer and I do appreciate you pointing out my tense switching, I will check out the whole magic canon, and yes you are correct I do indeed need an editor

this is very interdesting ill get back to it later :trixieshiftright:

more need more NEED MORE NOW!!!:flutterrage:

is this story not happening :fluttershysad:

YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY

5357823 could not have said it better myself :pinkiehappy:

Hmmm i really love the simplicity of this idea, yet the results can be far from simple. Its litterary endless things you could do with this. I am very excited and i hope this continues on for quite a while. There are too few Twiluna fics that hold such a promise like this. Also seven years, that means that the Sombra incident has not yet happened, aswell as Twilights ascension to an Alicorn. And also huzzah! for badass Swordsmare/Duelist Twilight Sparkle! :twilightsmile: This will be good, and with such an update schedule aswell! I wonder what effects this will have with whats been happening back in Equestria. My only current gripe is the shortness of the chapters, but above 2000 words holds well on its own. I would recommend you trying to increase it as you go though, other than that, this is golden in my opinion!

5385097
5385302
Thank you both, and to all of my readers I can guarantee longer chapters if I have the time for it, this next week is a good time for me to be able to put forth a lot more hours than I can on weekends. It should get longer and I might end up writing either some side chapters or a side story on what's happening down on Equeatria.

im going to hope that you metion what may be happining in equestria with the main 5 and the princess of the sun because that would be intresting even if its just tempoary

that and if you left twilight on a planet where shes by herself the rage whould be oh so veryy good to read for me not so much for you

oh and by the way you just gave me a great idea for fim lunas leaves twilight kills celestia while twilight leearns about hoof magic from those ponies whoever you want to call them and when she gets back she cleary gets fricken kills luna in a fit of un controlled rage why cause her friends would have wanted that

im still just going to assume that someone else may write an alternate universe where twilight gets way more powerful and thus hunts luna down in blind rage for fucking up her life and the lives of everyone else

5388435 Maybe somebody will, but personally thats not the way I want my story to go. I will however be writing about what happens in Equestria with Celestia and the rest of Twilight's friends.

5389381 it fell from my backpack to the floor which I'm surprised only broke the screen

I hope the plunder plants don't exist in this universe, otherwise Equestria is SCREWED.

im going to just guess that one of her friends saw the whole thing but are still going to worry for her i know that you wouldnt do that to twi but im just saying that some people can write some seriosly fucked up shit and good lord they are never kind to twilight especially in the mature area all the darkness ones just have her taken out of equestria or killed some times or worse killed if she ain't part of the main cast of characters

Next chapter will be out fairly soon as this one is mostly filler!

Comment posted by Nectarina deleted Dec 19th, 2014

the pony clearly omitting warmth

That should probably be "emitting warmth".

I’m here with such a wonderful pony that knows a lot about this place. It certainly will be an adventure.” Twilight smiled

Thank you, and yes I do quite a lot about this place

Should probably be "I do know quite a lot"

too bad Luna can't even send a message to Celestia that they are okay, just going on an extended vacation

i'm still going to think that twilight would want to learn the magic of this land why because these would be intresting why because all the power she could be using inside of her body and simply not be using it at all all of this unused magic woulld make her say as powerful as a god of death and desruction and with luna learning with her good lord the power in the hooves that could belearned and mastered is shocking to say the least congratulations my friend i will enjoy reading this book to the end thak you oh and also just a few errors in spelling but im hoping you will go over it once you are finished

This story's premise sounds oddly familiar. Huh.

Anyway, I think this is a good attempt and has some interesting plot choices, but with that in mind I do have a bit of critique.

Grammatically, you should be aware of how to punctuate your dialogue. When stating how the speaker said something (e.g. "No," whined Luna.), or simply who said it (e.g. "No," said Luna.), you always, always, always need to replace your periods with a comma. If it's a question or exclamation mark that's fine, but don't use periods if you're stating who or how. Also, don't capitalize these after the quotation marks (e.g. '"No," whined Luna.' instead of '"No," Whined Luna.'). If you move on and don't reference how the dialogue was said, you may use a period then.

For a more creative critique, I'll use this paragraph as an example for numerous points:

It was understandable that the Princess did not move after Twi had fallen asleep. She was comforting the mare after all, and may have thought staying with her was the best option. Also, it is absolutely freezing outside so the extra warmth from the body adjacent to her must have been nice. To be honest, Twilight was glad that the mare had stayed by her side. She felt calmed with such a powerful and beautiful mare right next to her, in the same situation as she was in but able to control herself. Twilight watched intently as the cloaked mare rose and fell softly as she slept. Luna had her head in her hooves and the hood of the dark blue cloak covering most of her head. Twilight tentatively pulled the hood back to observe the alicorn’s face.

First and foremost, I'd strongly advise against explaining exactly why a character is doing something so simple, and especially like this. I think you're doubting how much a reader can already infer through context. They're both in a cold, windy environment. We understand why she's doing this, because without warmth Twilight would freeze to death. In essence, there's no need at all for the first half of the paragraph. Give the audience some props and do less explaining of every action. It's up to you, but there are many, many, many things a character can do in a story that the reader will buy instantly and not think about as the story moves along. It's up to you to deem what's needed to be elaborated on, but here I fear it's not in the slightest.

Secondly, be aware that you change tenses. You go from "She was comforting the mare...." to "Also, it is absolutely..." (where it should've been "Also, it was absolutely..."). This is generally a big no-no, as it disorients your reader and takes them out of the story and its world.

Lastly, we've been told over and over again that Twilight finds Luna beautiful an attractive. While I'm a huge proponent of romance and relationships within stories, please be smart about it. At this point you're almost bludgeoning us over the head with it all. If you want to show Twilight's utter fascination and entrancement with Luna, show it. Show Twilight following her every step, paying extra attention to her, stumbling over her own hooves at a compliment, instead of offering us bland insights into her thoughts.

Good luck going forward,
Habanc

5403372 Thank you for the advice. I'm still learning, this is my first real writing project and it is an exciting learning experience. Everything you have said is helpful and I do appreciate it. I will try my best to get over that dang tense switching habit, and showing instead of telling is something I need to work on as well as getting over my extreme use of repetition. Thanks again and I will take your advice to heart.

5403372

I have also sent in a request for an editor despite me saying I wouldn't do so. I believe I need a second opinion and somebody like you to help me with chapters before I release them, hopefully that will greatly improve this story. Thanks again for the advice, it really helps me realize my faults and you are the type of people that writers love.

woot i found the future of this book this is basically a prequel in how twilight leans about the magic through hooves and thus ends up an alicorn just beautiful star crossed lovers warms my heart

the link is Rites of Ascension By Cvbrony

i love it but u can still make so much more unique using the equipment you've given our heroines this could be so very intressting or it can just be a prequel if you desire bro trust me im not trying to stifle your creativity or any thing i mean twilight having a sword and magic gauntlet is intresting but why did they have to be freaking horses they could do just as good if you threw up an anthro tag or human tag up there so that i don't crazy i mean guantlets are for things that have fingers i mean really come on

honestly though i woudn't mind there being a hand for the gauntlet but im guessing you just cheaped out and thusly did not decide to make them more human like hell i would shoot you down like you were a duck in duck hunt if it became something sleazy why because its just so sad and the feels are great honestly but why no luna or twilight being able to stand on there two legs i mean really be honest because iv got a bull shit detector

Geeze, things went down fast. If only Luna could send a message.

it would probably say screw you guys troll lol

iv got my own problems kay love ya buy

but yeah seriosly good luck not turning twilight into an alicorn by the end of it all when it

5466945


I have some tricks up my sleeve friend :)

great if youre gonna show us these tricks show them oth aticipation

If Luna has that much power I'd really like To see Celestia tempted to wipe the griffons out and see Cadence and Shining stop her. Not in a tyrant manner but perhaps she feels that wiping them out is the only way to save her ponies in her sadness ridden state.

I don't know but I really feel like you've got some good opportunities here with Celestias state of mind. I hope you use it well and stick to something that feels like it coud really happen.

imean really you just introducecd a new form of magic to twilight the chances of her not trying to master it at all are pretty god damn far fetched so with that in mind i will thank you to not shoot my ideas down right now because there are so many ways she could achive alicorn hood in the coming years sure yours are freakin shorter but somone else wrote one were she mastered it and grows slowly into alicorn hood in about ten freakin years

5471933

All idea's are valid, and I hope I don't mean to be shutting your idea's down, but I've already planned most of how this story will go and yes I will change it if I feel it will be better, but for now let's just see how the story progresses :twilightsmile:

5470361

Honestly, I didn't think I described Luna or Celestia being unimaginably powerful, or at least not to the level they should be considered goddesses. I will touch a little bit more on the topic very soon here, but I do have plans on how to use Celestia's mindset for the good of the story. Ultimately though, this story is not about them, and more about Luna and Twilight, and all information about the ponies back on Equestria will be limited to interlude's until I decide if I'm going to write an entirely separate side story to this one.

5473238 Well even if they didn't have the power themselves they clearly know of some things others don't.

Still, super looking forward to reading your next chapters. Poor Celestia.

5473260

Thank's for the support, I'll try and touch on the power of the two beings a little bit more now, :twilightblush:

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