- Member Since 20th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Last Thursday
jmj
All that I touch seems to break in my hands, then it just bursts into flames.
jmj
Joined 20th Apr, 2012 ·
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The door to Apple Bloom’s door thundered open causing the filly to tumble out of her bed to crash out of sight to the hard floor.
What
As soon as she tried to talk to Big Mac I knew EXACTLY where this was going. *shudders*
Pre-story guess: Applebloom has a chronic disease
I realized she was the dead filly as soon as applejack didnt answer her.:flutte
rcry:
wow. That was unexpected. I like it
The feels.
I gotta admit, Ah knew all along.
Called it as soon as she looked around in the forest. Still an enjoyable read... you know, given the story matter.
Calling the dead filly's legs stiff made me think she had been dead for a while while another sentence corrected that thinking.
Also, I think the last sentence was unnecessary. I think for maximum impact, the story could end on the sentence before, but reworded so it ends with the word ribbon.
she was the dead filly.
Unnecessary final sentence. Well-written Dead All Along doesn't generally require such painful exposition.
Aside from that, this is kinda awesome.
Feels were induced. Again.
Well, you've done a story starring Scootaloo and one about Applebloom.
Will you write one about Sweetie sometime down the road?
nice story. it didn't quite hit me in the feels as gutterloo, but it did thump them pretty good.
2158770
Yeah man. i know. i thought about that yesterday and to complete the trilogy I'll have to do something with Sweetie. Just gonna have tow ait for ideas.
2158454
The original cut didn't have that final sentence but the sentence I had was strange. I edited the last couple of pieces about 2 minutes before I had to be somewhere so I rushed a little. I agree that it sounded better without the sentence.
2158377
Thanks. yeah, I would say that it was a terribly expected ending. I've toyed with the notion of writing something and then sideswiping the ending ina direction that made no sense what so ever, but by the time I get to the end I don't want to ruin the story I have going. This actually started out as a story where Apple Bloom fell in love with the corpse and it wasn't her but I thought that was a bit too strange and grotesque. I might do something similar sometime though.
2158661 Thank you for reading, again.
Thanks everybody.
2159004
Thanks. In all honesty i was workign on a story about Rarity and suddenly got an idea for a really short Apple Bloom story. I wanted something I could finish because the Rarity story is giving me a headache right now.
I KNEW IT....sorry
. Great descriptions I LOVED IT. I have an sequel, it should be Applejack turns into a Timberwolf hunter as his second job.
P.S. Maybe you can read my story, "My Day In Ponyville"
2159108
Thank you. I have no plans on a sequel unfortunately. I don't believe in them. I will check out your story. Thank you very much for the read and wonderful comment. If you liked this check out Gutterloo and be ready for the trifecta of the CMC fics. Whatever it will be, it will star that Sweetest of the Sweet.
Wow, you've done it again! I felt so bad for Applebloom in this story! Coming across the mangled body of a filly in the Everfree Forest, and then not able to communicate with her siblings when she gets back to the Apple Farm. I kinda figured where the story was going after that. But the payoff was very well done. I liked how you brought everything together that the "Apple Bloom" in this story was actually her own ghost all along! This was like something out of the "Twilight Zone", it's that good!
Let's see, you've done a story with Apple Bloom (Withering Bloom) and Scootaloo (Gutterloo), perhaps you can do a Sweetie Belle story next?
Anyway, I look forward to your next story.
Another sad, sweet tale--nicely done. Like many other posters, I knew where it was going, but knowing didn't spoil it--just filled me with a growing sense of sadness and dread.
2159192
Yes. Sweetie Belle is in planning right now. has been for a whole fifteen minutes. Lol. may even do a Babs Seed one since I like her so much, but we'll have to see. Thank you for taking the time to read my stories. I agree this one was pretty foreseeable but it was a fun little story anyway. Also, saying this is like the Twilight Zone is the best comment you could give. My brand of pseudo-horror dark fics are traditionally based off of the formula of the Twilight Zone. It's all about the story with a good little twist at the end. Dark stories don't have to be about gore and guts. I was actually asked to be a guest on a podcast. Check it out if you have the time where Bats and Subsolar Drift share their ideas of grimdark and feature my stories to bring their points home. Rambling Podcast.
2159223
Thanks! Glad you like it!
2159192
SPOILERESSSSssssssssssssss
Figured it out one fourth into the story.
Very sad, but I liked it.
deviantart.com/download/255616943/crying_apple_bloom_by_creshosk-d486ran.gif
Ahh, freaking outstanding. Made me cry which on something like this is not an easy feat, especially since I knew what was coming. Excellently done.
I kina figured it out about when it hit the dream. Though I have to admit it still hurt...and why the hell was I smiling most of the way through the story....damn I am sick...
That was brilliant, if somewhat expected.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lubn1aDU4Z1qfx711.jpg
2161113
It's called The Law of Adorable Schadenfreude.
We cannot resist gorefics about adorable ponies.
As for the story, great job jmj! I adored Gutterloo and this was incredible too.
I had a bad feeling about this from the beginning. If you were a pony, your cutie mark would be a page and a tear.
Because talent for writing sad stories is beyond comparison! As much as I would keep saying how amazing your writing is I am now too sad to continue. Well played.
At about the Big Mac scene, I knew it was Applebloom.
Then I was like "Oh Fudgecicle, I'm gonna cry..." then I did. 
Ah, here's my lil' thingie. Let me just warn you that I do this as I read, and thus these are more "conscience streams" than an actual review. I shall go to Our Love, Eternal on my next open window! First: The mistakes!
eviscerated
AJ is kind of informal. Let's leave it to the characters' dialogs.
"Applejack..." Her voice was weak and
"Big Mac... I gotta talk to ya. Applejack won't listen and it's awfully important."
out there but... It just [...] think about...
Like you told me in the PM: This is very predictable and I think I know why (apart from the name itself, that is). There are loads of comparisons between the carcass and Apple Bloom... but I think that the loudest tip is this:
How exactly does lil' Bloom know it's a she when the body has been mangled? Also:
Now I'm having doubts if "predictable" is the correct word. Foreshadowing, may be more specific for the most part. There are various tips here and there about Bloom being a ghost, but what gives it away is kind of the "lack of backstory". Why exactly is Apple Bloom in the forest? Then again: I think that placing the little filly and forcing her to act confused would give it away quickly as well. I guess... I guess that the Dark tag ought to give it away.
See, this is more like a "my opinion" than something you did wrong. The narrator knows enough of Bloom to relay to us; so how does he not know if the adrenaline is/isn't blocking the pain and numbness from her little muscles? I don't know, it's not even a "omniscient" thing; it's more like common knowledge.
Why did she slow down? You could say that her hooves gave up and she was expecting some unseen predator's maw, but let's figure this out: You've got a... black panther right in your tail and you've just reached your backyard. Why would you slow down there and then of all places? Just a few paces more!
You're cruel, jmj. I love it!
OH!!! SNAP!
This, right here gives another mighty tip to the reader. Maybe too big of a tip, even. I'd replace the "dead" passage with something like "Apple Bloom needed somepony to talk to and Applejack [...]"
You could've went with, like, "They are just doin' this because I disobeyed them! I didn't listen to them and now they're pretending they didn't listen to me."
I think, however, that the ending isn't so predictable as I previously stated. What is is only a small element: Apple Bloom is dead. The apex of the story, however, comes after we've learned of that fact. Most stories reveal "X is actually ded, FUK U FUK U!11" and end right there and then, not giving one single iota of enlightenment as to:
1) How they felt before dying.
2) How they feel after dying.
Apple Bloom is in a panic, so we can understand that she makes no attempt to rationalize at the moment. The conclusions slowly down on her, and as much as she hates it, she knows it to be true. Now I am left wondering if a lil' something extra with the post-mortem Bloom reminiscing of her life and pondering about the "what now?" would be too much or fit perfectly. I'm really not sure.
PS: I'm sure Zecora would find a way to help lil' Bloom.
2196811
Those damn black panthers. How they get into your head once someone introduces them. maybe that's where they all went, into our nightmares.
I agree with everythign you've written. The criticism is good and I think it has merit. All of the foreshadowing is done because I want the ending to be sensical. Like, when they get to the end and the big reveal occurs I want them to be like, "OH! I get it now... all those little hints...DAMN!" but that comes at the cost of many people seeing the ending coming pretty quickly.
The only crtique I disagree with is
“Big Mac … I gotta talk to ya. Applejack won’t listen and it’s awful important.” because this is grammatically correct in the Appalachian English variation of English and (being a southerner) I know it's how we talk. So while in written english or network standard it is incorrect, it's her accent and way of talking that makes that one correct. It's like saying "ain't" No, it isn't formally correct but it's how many people communicate and, therefore, is correct is certain situations. Of course I'd never write a whole story without dialogue in that manner.
Also,
AAAAMMMMURHIKKKKAAA!!!!!! (Nuke their ass, take their gas)
you've made me like that term in limited use.
Great story. I suspected that Apple Bloom will start suspecting that she is a ghost at Big Mac scene.
2159029
Fillynecrophilia? Do it!
2255196
Ugh. I don't know how that snuck through. Thanks.
Now this is how you tell a ghost story! Oh the feels
First you kill Scootaloo, then Applebloom.
Well, I guess Sweetie Belle's next!
2359367
Sweetie's story is cutie mark corpses : friendship never dies. Check it out.
2359367
Actually, yeah but to correct, Scootaloo dies twice...(In RD gets an abortion she was killed..well..mentioned being killed. They never really /kill/ her, but its implied)
2422486
I hate that story, and it's ideology, so much, that I deny its existence.
2422564
Lol. RD Gets an Abortion is (by the numbers) my most successful story. I'm also quite partial to it. It is probably the most well written story I have. What people hate about the story is the whole abortion concept. Here's what happens. People have their own feelings on abortion being good or bad. (Side note. Did you know that since the Roe V. Wade decision, that made abortion legal, we have had a declining crime rate? Also, in places where abortion is easy to get ((big cities, not places where everyone knows everyone)) that the crime rate dropped drastically because unwanted kids were never born and therefore never grew up in broken homes; henceforth, they did not become criminals. Fun fact. Not arguing for or against, just throwing out a fact.) Anyway, people have feelings about abortion and, sense it is a touchy subject with lots of militant supporters and opposers, they speak their minds before using them. People tend to project their preconceived ideas. Look at racism. A bigot sees a person of other race and immediately sees all the things they HAVE BEEN TAUGHT to dislike about other cultures. They don't know the person, they just hate them because they dislike the color of their skin. The same thing happened with this story. Go through and look at all the comments. Any comment that starts out or has the words "I am for/against abortion" completely missed the point of the story. They think the story is about abortion, as if I were arguing for the validity of it. I have thoughts on it but you won't find them in that story. The fic is all about how heartless Rainbow Dash is to Scootaloo and the secret relationship between them. The concept of the story was to write a grimdark that pulled off a grotesque story WITHOUT the use of blood and guts. How much violence was in the story? None. Nobody got hurt at all. What happens to Scoots is implied but not expressed. She may have escaped, retired her hope that her mother (Dash) cared about her and ran off. Or maybe the doctor's, knowing full well their procedure was a crime against ponykind, called up social services and found her a place in an orphanage or maybe even a home with caring parents. But, in my mind, she's laying on a cold metal bed with tubes mixing her brain like a milkshake. Anyway, the point I am making is that people read the name of the story and immediately made their decisions about it without bothering to read it, or, if they did, what was behind it. It's a much more well crafted "Fun Day" or "Rainbow Factory", at least in terms of shocking without gore. It pulls off making the reader say "Oh crap!" without intestines hanging out or cannibalism.
And to correct Staribbon, Scoots has died 3 times now.
Have I ever told you you're amazing?
2470865
Thank you. Your continued support is well appreciated. I noticed that you have recently fav'd Pinkamenace II Society. It starts pretty roughly written. Please overlook the first few chapters as the writing improves. The story is there, but the writing is drek for a while. I may go back and fix that at some point.
I never was a fan of dark stories, they always disturbed me, and my mind set away to happy places. Then, believe it or not, my happy childhood life was broken when I heard the song "Spirit In The Sky", I edged my way to creepier things in life, to the point when I found that Lilith911's icon photo not scary in the slightest. Then I came across this story. I was surprised at this fic, it was incredibly entertaining for me, the suspense, the climax, and the portrayal of the characters. It was awesome. Now if I were to rate this I'd give it a solid 4.5/5 one of the reasons why, it was kinda short and the drop at the ending was not really what I like in stories. Otherwise this was job well done.
3054864
Thanks for reading. I have always been a fan of dark stories. The problem with the genre is the massive amount of people who write extreme blood and gore and think that is dark/horror. It's not, it's just trash. This genre is epitomized by The Twilight Zone episodes. It's not that you can't write gore into a story, but a story solely about gore is ridiculous and gives a bad name to the genre.
Spirit in the Sky. That's a weird song to suddenly change your opinion. The old 70's/60's song, right? By the jewish guy who pretended to be a Christian to sell records? Lol.
Anyway, if you don't like sudden twists at the end, you may not find most of my material appealing. The twist is what I think is the most important aspect of a short story. Also, many of my stories are very short because I believe short stories are the most perfect extension of literature. Novels are short stories with 300 pages of filler material. My recent stories have been insanely short, focusing on different objectives. Still, take a look if you want. Thanks for the follow and the comment. I love seeing comments.
3055126 Yeah you are right. Sometimes gore can be ridiculous (nudges to creepypasta called noodles), but it can be put be put into it if it's not often and well timed. But I should explain about Spirit in the Sky. My imagination was never as happy as others. I thought of people dying, and what not. Then I listened to the song Spirit in the Sky, and I realized I'm going to die eventually. So I imagined myself dying young, and being buried in the biggest coffin I ever saw. I do like twists, it's just that I kinda liked this story so I wanted more, so the twist as the end was a good ending. I just like this story to a point where I wanted more.
3056115 I hear that a lot. I've seen a ton of 'That's it?" comments. I get it. When I read a book, I'm always happy but disillusioned at the end. I just think short stories are what they are. You have a specific goal in mind and once you reach it, it's over. Gutterloo had tons of people wanting more.
3058016 If I keep reading your stories, I'm afraid the phrase "Happily Ever After" will lose it's meaning for me...
Since I know that none of your stories have yet to end without me in tears, I figured this one out about halfway through.
Your work is amazing. Don't ever stop writing.
3446744
"Happily Ever After". Keep reading. One of them is bound to end on an up-note. Thanks again for the comment.
Predictable, still great though. I thought that there will be some other twist at the end, then you'd have fooled me.
I remember seeing something like this on the Twilight Zone. Only the lady died in a car crash, not mauled by timberwolves.
Scary, but awesome.