Withering Bloom
Apple Bloom couldn’t believe what she was seeing and chills ran through her spine causing her to tremble in place. For a moment the filly started to run, panic’s icy fingers caressing the innocent mind of the pony and igniting her natural defense mechanism. She found her lungs had faltered and she heaved great bellows of air as she calmed herself. It couldn’t hurt her. It was obviously beyond causing harm to anything now. Apple Bloom finally came to her senses as she looked down into the brush of the Everfree forest floor at the mutilated remains of a filly.
What remained was a shredded massacre. So much damage had been done that the corpse was barely distinguishable as a young pony somewhat near Apple Bloom’s age. Her coat was torn beyond recognition and the meat of her body hung ripped and cut from some animal’s teeth or claws. The poor filly had been eviscerates; many of her organs lay in pieces below her stiff, lifeless legs, pulled from a sickening wound on her belly. The poor filly’s head was similarly destroyed beyond recognition and Apple Bloom swallowed hard, fighting a wave of nausea.
Sorrow swept the young Apple filly at this poor being robbed of life. It was the first body she had ever seen and, despite being repulsed and terrified of it, her eyes couldn’t look away. The child’s heart sank and tears fell from her eyes as she looked the mangled carrion over again. She had no way of knowing who it had been, the body was far too damaged for that, and instead simply grieved for it. Whoever she was, she didn’t deserve to be alone in the Everfree forest. Somepony was probably looking for her. Apple Bloom sniffled and wiped her eyes while her stomach ceased doing flips. Fear had blown away in the soft breeze, replaced with a terribly somber feeling that shook the Apple filly to her core. She needed to tell somepony. This poor victim needed to be brought back to her family where she might have peace despite the horrific death she had found.
A thought struck Apple Bloom like a bolt of lightning and caused her to jump and whip her head around to take in her surroundings. What if the bloodthirsty denizen that had feasted upon the nameless pony still stalked the area? Apple Bloom could tell that the kill had been fresh by the way much of the blood had not yet dried. She needed to hightail it back to Sweet Apple Acres before she became an unidentifiable mass of sticky meat. Throwing caution to the wind, Apple Bloom dashed away from the corpse as quickly as her hooves could manage, deaf to the noise caused by her frantic gallop to escape the bowels of the Everfree forest. Applejack had always warned her not to wander alone into the forest. The creatures that dwelled within were not like those who resided around Ponyville. They were wild and unpredictable, subject to only their individual needs at any given moment. Her big sister’s words echoed through her mind and she found herself looking over her shoulder as she ran, her mind developing maws full of teeth and blazing eyes in the shadows of the forest, causing her to run all the harder in the attempt to escape what may be in pursuit. The filly galloped faster than she ever had before and expected her tiny legs to be aching from the overuse, but the adrenaline must have been blocking the pain associated with over-taxation of her diminutive frame.
It seemed as if she had been running forever when she finally burst from the bushes and planted her hooves back onto the beloved ground of her home. Breathing hard, the filly turned to the boundary of the forest, backing away slowly and attempting to gather her wits while expecting the horrific jaws of a timberwolf to explode from the foliage and drag her back into its depths. Apple Bloom had never been afraid in the forest and had explored it many times alone or with the other Cutie Mark Crusaders but that was going to change now. She had seen what could happen in the recesses of the wild world that bordered her home and counted herself lucky that she hadn’t stumbled across her own death in her many adventures in that interesting, yet dangerous place.
It felt as if a cart full of apples rested on her back and she couldn’t help but cry anew at the thought of how she may have been so terrifyingly close to her own demise so many times by the deliberate disobedience of exploring the forest. Sometimes adults really did know what they were talking about and only the luck and resiliency of childhood shielded the impetuous and naturally curious foal from a tragic fate. For the first time in Apple Bloom’s young life did she glimpse the real world. Unadorned by the imagination of youth and the wonder of inexperience, the cold and remorseless landscape of reality flooded the filly’s senses, breaking many of her juvenile preconceptions. For a great many minutes the yellow earth pony watered the sweet smelling grass with salty droplets, mourning not just the nameless pony but the passage of her youth, for she knew that she could never return to the world she had known. Apple Bloom was imprisoned in the colorless void of reality
Apple Bloom lifted her mournful eyes to the setting sun in the distance, bathed in the slowly closing light of the day. Her heart weighed as much as her older brother but the filly pushed herself to her hooves and walked slowly towards the farmhouse, her head hanging low in abject misery. The young filly had endured a very trying day. Normally a very energetic and positive filly, Apple Bloom’s moping gait was abnormal and painted the filly as a negative of herself. Her emotions had bottomed out and she couldn’t remember why she had even ventured into the woods earlier in the day. It didn’t matter; she wouldn’t be stepping into that place again.
“Woo doggies! Fetch the stick, Winona!” Apple Bloom heard her sister’s exclamation and turned her dreary gaze upward slightly to see Applejack loose a stick in her general direction with the family dog, Winona, giving chase as she followed the stick’s flight. It landed a few feet from the troubled filly and Winona skidded to a halt and happily snapped the piece of wood up in her mouth. Winona must have sensed Apple Bloom’s sorrow as she paused, stick in mouth, and peered deeply at the young filly. A questioning aspect overtook the dog’s joyful mirth and Apple Bloom thought the canine even seemed fearful. It was only after Applejack called for her that the dog broke her puzzlement and raced away to return to her loving master. “Good girl, Winona. Ah’m plum tuckered. Let’s knock it off for the day, okay? Yer such a good girl.” Applejack scratched at the dog, smiling at her enthusiastically.
Apple Bloom sat next to her older sister and wiped her eyes with one foreleg signaling to her sister that she needed to talk and waited for AJ to finish with Winona. She waited for a dreadfully long time and tilted her head at the stetson-wearing mare. “Applejack …,” her voice was weak and strangled by the powerful emotions clutching her heart and so when the orange mare didn’t turn she wasn’t surprised. She breathed a thick sigh while Applejack rubbed Winona’s fuzzy tummy, the dog’s leg kicking wildly as she did.
Still nothing. Apple Bloom cast her dripping eyes up to her big sister and forced her voice through the knot in her throat. “Applejack, Ah’ve got ta talk to ya. Somethin’ bad’s happened!” To her surprise, Applejack only kept rubbing the dog. Winona’s head turned toward Apple Bloom and that odd look replaced the joy of the belly rub. The young filly was suddenly overcome with irritation and turned quickly. A pony lay dead in the Everfree forest, far from home and all alone and Applejack didn’t even notice the need that Apple Bloom embodied. She marched away from her sister, not looking back, to find Big Macintosh. He would listen. He wouldn’t be too busy for her.
Big Macintosh was chopping wood when Apple Bloom found him. She watched from a distance for a moment, seeing the axe split another thick log in twain, pieces falling to the ground in tandem. Applejack had been her first choice; she was durable, tough, and would have known exactly what to do. Not to say that Big Macintosh wasn’t strong, but he was shy and carried a softer heart inside his large frame. Apple Bloom was afraid the dark cloud that burdened her would have much the same effect on her big brother. She almost talked herself out of approaching him but what if that monster returned for another snack and the filly’s body was moved or completely devoured? She had to relate her story to an adult; it was only right that the poor foal be given her final peace.
Apple Bloom slowly stepped near her big brother, pausing for safety behind a cart that held a multitude of logs left to be split. She watched the heavy axe strike again, another piece of wood reduced to kindling before her eyes. “Big Mac … I gotta talk to ya. Applejack won’t listen and it’s awful important.” Her voice was a note from a violin, high and sad. Big Mac turned in her direction but didn’t look at her, a curious expression across his features. His eyes flickered as if he were searching for something. Apple Bloom assumed he didn’t see her as she was somewhat hidden by the large wagon. She continued to speak, her voice quivering as relating the memory caused water to swell in her eyes again. “There’s a filly in the woods. She’s dead. Ah found her while Ah was out playin’. It’s terrible, Big Mac! We gotta go get her! We cain’t leave her out there!” Her little head fell and she wept again, waiting for Big Mac to respond. She felt miserable and knew he would pull her close and comfort her, his warmth filling her up and silently letting her know that everything would be okay.
A thundering crack broke the filly from her misery as the axe tore through the flesh of another log, its rended pieces falling to the ground.
Apple Bloom waited expectantly of her brother and went on with her story. “Ah shouldn’t have been out there but … It just makes me so sad to think about …”
Another thick tearing sound filled the air and Apple Bloom jerked her head upward to see her brother going about his chores as if her words meant nothing.
Apple Bloom couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She didn’t know what kind of strange game her older siblings were playing but she simply couldn’t believe they wouldn’t listen to her. A life was gone and they just didn’t seem to care! Frustration ate the filly’s mind and she burst into a wail as she darted toward the farmhouse. Stupid games at a time like this? It was just too much for the filly to handle. She was furious at the moment, and hated them for it. Did they think she was making it up? Big Mac hadn’t even been upset that she had admitted to being in the Everfree forest.
She threw the door open to the house and loudly stomped up the steps before entering her bedroom and slamming the door behind her. They would be sorry for ignoring her when they stopped laughing at their little joke long enough to realize she was upset. She would just climb into her bed and wait for them to come and check on her. She just couldn’t grasp how they could act like that. They just didn’t care! Apple Bloom pulled the blankets of her bed over her head and buried her face in her pillow, screaming once to let out her frustration and burden. The pillow muffled her agonized wails and a sudden exhaustion swept her. Her nerves had been arduously taxed and, unknown to the filly, her subconscious demanded time to process the horrendous events of the day. Her tiny eyes closed. They felt warm and puffy from the many tears she had shed that day. The blackness took her, giving her a moment of respite in what was the most stressful day of her life.
***
She was being hunted. Apple Bloom could feel the predatory eyes of the creature on her and she felt her heart beating far faster than it had before. Panic was setting in and she felt rows of tiny bumps popping up on her flesh, her coat standing up as the oppressive feeling gained a tighter grip around the filly’s mind. Her eyes were wide and searching and she breathed in giant lungfuls of air. A twig snapped and she shrieked. She needed to get home to Sweet Apple Acres. It wasn’t too far off and creatures of the Everfree wouldn’t venture out of the tree line. If she could just make a break for home she would be safe.
A growl came from behind her and she broke in terror, panic forcing her decisions. She needed to get away quickly or it would catch her and kill her. She screamed loudly and scampered deeper into the woods. Her legs pumped wildly and she tore through bushes and low hanging limbs, earning several painful catches across her body. She didn’t have time to care about scratches; behind her limbs snapped and the sounds of a large predator tearing through the brush sang horror to her ears.
The filly tore through another bush and found herself in a small clearing. She knew where she was and adrenaline cleared her frightened mind for a moment. She realized her legs were screaming from multiple abrasions and several thorns poked from bleeding wounds, but something much worse was clear. She had run in the wrong direction. She was further from the farm than she had been.
Another throaty growl broke the Apple filly’s thoughts and the terrifying wooden face of the largest timberwolf that could ever exist pushed through the foliage, its glowing green eyes promising death to the filly. She screamed and backed away a few steps until her rump pressed against the bark of a large tree. The eyes of the beast entranced the filly and she was paralyzed under the gaze. Her mind screamed for her to run but her body rejected the command. She brought her forelegs up to protect herself from the monster but she knew it was a useless gesture. Through her shivering limbs she witnessed the beast open its drooling maw and lunge, those huge teeth encompassing all of her vision as a scream broke from her throat.
***
The door to Apple Bloom’s room thundered open causing the filly to tumble out of her bed to crash out of sight to the hard floor. She gasped in fright, the monster was here! She brought her forelegs up to protect herself from the jaws of the terrible creature. “Apple Bloom! You in here?” Her sister’s voice was loud and shaking with fright, butApple Bloom realized with relief that she was at home. The monster was only a dream, brought on by the nightmare she had seen in real life. Applejack must not have seen her fall out of the bed and she considered not answering. Her sister hadn’t wanted to hear what she had to say earlier, so why should she care now?
“D’you find’er?” Another voice broke from the door; it was Big Macintosh. He rarely spoke and when he did it was out of necessity. It was so odd to hear him string together a sentence, no matter how small, that Apple Bloom understood that the situation must be important.
“No. Oh, Mac. Do ya think she went out inta the forest again?” Applejack answered. Apple Bloom, understanding the severity of the situation, popped her head over the bed.
“Hold on, Ah’m right here but …” She was too late and only saw shadows moving away from her door. With a quick glance to the window she saw that it was late in the evening, probably past her bedtime. She must have slept through dinner. She got to her hooves and darted across the room, hearing Applejack and Big Mac downstairs.
“We gotta find her. That place is not safe for anypony, let alone a little filly. Ah’m gonna whoop her good when we find her little rump!” Applejack’s voice quivered again and Apple Bloom tossed any notion of paying her family back out the window. She didn’t like making them worried.
“Eeyup.”
“Ah hope she’s okay …” Just as Apple Bloom landed on the first floor she saw the front door slam shut. She quickly followed after her older siblings calling their names as she pried the heavy front door open. Her eyes took a moment to adjust to the night but she could see the bouncing light of a lantern and two silhouettes within heading across the field towards the Everfree forest. It was dark and creatures of the forest were far more awake at night. Finding the body could wait until morning.
“APPLEJACK! BIG MAC! WAIT!” They must not have heard her as their forms began to shrink in the distance. She heard the distinctive sound of barking as Winona joined them. Apple Bloom, unable to shake the mutilated body from her head, gave chase to her siblings, afraid whatever ate the filly may find them as well. Her legs pumped wildly to catch up. They had stopped at the tree line and Apple Bloom could see Applejack holding what looked like one of her ribbons down for Winona to smell. She called on all of her reserves to sprint towards the longer-legged ponies but was Winona howled and leapt into the darkness of the woods, Applejack and Big Macintosh close behind her. “WAIT! It’s dangerous in there!”
Apple Bloom skidded to a halt at the forest line and nervously muttered to herself. She didn’t know what to do. She hollered loudly but the forest was too good at muffling sounds and she knew that her sibling wouldn’t hear her. She didn’t want to go into that place again but she knew she had to do it. There was a bloodthirsty beast lurking within and she couldn’t stand the thought of her family becoming like that poor filly. A sudden surge of courage took the tiny pony and she dashed into the forest, calling after her family.
The filly was smaller than her siblings were and could maneuver through the straggly brush more easily. Following the barks of Winona, Apple Bloom began to gain ground on her larger kin. Her lungs burned and she panted as she followed the direction of the barks. “Stop!” she cried, ducking thorns and limbs. Winona had a great sense of smell and she must have picked up on stench of rot because she was leading them towards the body. Apple Bloom grew more adamant in her fervor to intercept her family before they crossed into the beast’s hunting grounds. She needed to warn them and get them out of this Celestia-forsaken forest.
A light blinked in the distance. It was Applejack’s lantern; it had to be. Apple Bloom could swear she heard the sounds of the beast stirring all around her. It was coming for them. It smelled their delicious meat and was coming for another banquet of pony flesh. She was running out of time. “APPLEJACK!”
Throwing aside her scruples she allowed her body to wrestle through the vines, weeds, and limbs. Any scrape was far less important than the well being of her loving family. The light from the lantern grew and she could hear their voices as she closed the distance.
“Winona, find her, girl. Ya gotta find Apple Bloom.” Applejack’s voice was dripping with fear and Apple Bloom could barely make out the shapes of her family against the light. She continued to push through the dense forest, her body feeling no pain despite the many briars she knew she had run through.
Winona began barking wildly just as Apple Bloom came into the clearing, finally having reached her brother and sister. “What is it, Winona? Did ya find Apple Bloom?” They were struggling to bring the lantern over what had Winona barking but Apple Bloom knew. Winona had found the corpse of the filly.
“Applejack! Big Mac! We gotta get outta here NOW!” Apple Bloom leapt in front of the pair but their eyes seemed to look right through her. The lantern shed its illumination across her and, as she turned to regard the body, she was frozen by a sudden cold in her tummy as she realized that she was not casting a shadow. The light just seemed to pass right through her.
“Oh! Oh no … Mac! Ah … Ah told her not … not ta …” Applejack, the most stalwart of the Apple family burst into tears and slumped down to her haunches as she gazed onto the remains of the mutilated filly. She sobbed deeply and was joined by her older brother, his whooping sobs breaking the night air. The pair clutched each other for comfort, but none could be found.
Apple Bloom couldn’t move. Shock had devoured her and she could only watch as Applejack reached clean through her, her tiny body motionless as the larger foreleg pulled something that had been hidden under a wide fern. Winona turned towards Apple Bloom’s seemingly immaterial form and howled sorrowfully, her eye steeped in despair. Applejack pulled the torn cloth through Apple Bloom’s torso and broke into a long, deep wail of loss.
Apple Bloom felt as if her mind was pulling apart at the sight. Resting on Applejack’s shaking hoof were the tattered remains of Apple Bloom’s mane ribbon, mangled and stained crimson from her last few moments of life.
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The door to Apple Bloom’s door thundered open causing the filly to tumble out of her bed to crash out of sight to the hard floor.
What
As soon as she tried to talk to Big Mac I knew EXACTLY where this was going. *shudders*
Pre-story guess: Applebloom has a chronic disease
I realized she was the dead filly as soon as applejack didnt answer her.:flutte
rcry:
wow. That was unexpected. I like it
The feels.
I gotta admit, Ah knew all along.
Called it as soon as she looked around in the forest. Still an enjoyable read... you know, given the story matter.
Calling the dead filly's legs stiff made me think she had been dead for a while while another sentence corrected that thinking.
Also, I think the last sentence was unnecessary. I think for maximum impact, the story could end on the sentence before, but reworded so it ends with the word ribbon.
she was the dead filly.
Unnecessary final sentence. Well-written Dead All Along doesn't generally require such painful exposition.
Aside from that, this is kinda awesome.
Feels were induced. Again.
Well, you've done a story starring Scootaloo and one about Applebloom.
Will you write one about Sweetie sometime down the road?
nice story. it didn't quite hit me in the feels as gutterloo, but it did thump them pretty good.
2158770
Yeah man. i know. i thought about that yesterday and to complete the trilogy I'll have to do something with Sweetie. Just gonna have tow ait for ideas.
2158454
The original cut didn't have that final sentence but the sentence I had was strange. I edited the last couple of pieces about 2 minutes before I had to be somewhere so I rushed a little. I agree that it sounded better without the sentence.
2158377
Thanks. yeah, I would say that it was a terribly expected ending. I've toyed with the notion of writing something and then sideswiping the ending ina direction that made no sense what so ever, but by the time I get to the end I don't want to ruin the story I have going. This actually started out as a story where Apple Bloom fell in love with the corpse and it wasn't her but I thought that was a bit too strange and grotesque. I might do something similar sometime though.
2158661 Thank you for reading, again.
Thanks everybody.
2159004
Thanks. In all honesty i was workign on a story about Rarity and suddenly got an idea for a really short Apple Bloom story. I wanted something I could finish because the Rarity story is giving me a headache right now.
I KNEW IT....sorry
. Great descriptions I LOVED IT. I have an sequel, it should be Applejack turns into a Timberwolf hunter as his second job.
P.S. Maybe you can read my story, "My Day In Ponyville"
2159108
Thank you. I have no plans on a sequel unfortunately. I don't believe in them. I will check out your story. Thank you very much for the read and wonderful comment. If you liked this check out Gutterloo and be ready for the trifecta of the CMC fics. Whatever it will be, it will star that Sweetest of the Sweet.
Wow, you've done it again! I felt so bad for Applebloom in this story! Coming across the mangled body of a filly in the Everfree Forest, and then not able to communicate with her siblings when she gets back to the Apple Farm. I kinda figured where the story was going after that. But the payoff was very well done. I liked how you brought everything together that the "Apple Bloom" in this story was actually her own ghost all along! This was like something out of the "Twilight Zone", it's that good!
Let's see, you've done a story with Apple Bloom (Withering Bloom) and Scootaloo (Gutterloo), perhaps you can do a Sweetie Belle story next?
Anyway, I look forward to your next story.
Another sad, sweet tale--nicely done. Like many other posters, I knew where it was going, but knowing didn't spoil it--just filled me with a growing sense of sadness and dread.
2159192
Yes. Sweetie Belle is in planning right now. has been for a whole fifteen minutes. Lol. may even do a Babs Seed one since I like her so much, but we'll have to see. Thank you for taking the time to read my stories. I agree this one was pretty foreseeable but it was a fun little story anyway. Also, saying this is like the Twilight Zone is the best comment you could give. My brand of pseudo-horror dark fics are traditionally based off of the formula of the Twilight Zone. It's all about the story with a good little twist at the end. Dark stories don't have to be about gore and guts. I was actually asked to be a guest on a podcast. Check it out if you have the time where Bats and Subsolar Drift share their ideas of grimdark and feature my stories to bring their points home. Rambling Podcast.
2159223
Thanks! Glad you like it!
2159192
SPOILERESSSSssssssssssssss
Figured it out one fourth into the story.
Very sad, but I liked it.
deviantart.com/download/255616943/crying_apple_bloom_by_creshosk-d486ran.gif
Ahh, freaking outstanding. Made me cry which on something like this is not an easy feat, especially since I knew what was coming. Excellently done.
I kina figured it out about when it hit the dream. Though I have to admit it still hurt...and why the hell was I smiling most of the way through the story....damn I am sick...
That was brilliant, if somewhat expected.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lubn1aDU4Z1qfx711.jpg
2161113
It's called The Law of Adorable Schadenfreude.
We cannot resist gorefics about adorable ponies.
As for the story, great job jmj! I adored Gutterloo and this was incredible too.
I had a bad feeling about this from the beginning. If you were a pony, your cutie mark would be a page and a tear.
Because talent for writing sad stories is beyond comparison! As much as I would keep saying how amazing your writing is I am now too sad to continue. Well played.
At about the Big Mac scene, I knew it was Applebloom.
Then I was like "Oh Fudgecicle, I'm gonna cry..." then I did. 
Ah, here's my lil' thingie. Let me just warn you that I do this as I read, and thus these are more "conscience streams" than an actual review. I shall go to Our Love, Eternal on my next open window! First: The mistakes!
eviscerated
AJ is kind of informal. Let's leave it to the characters' dialogs.
"Applejack..." Her voice was weak and
"Big Mac... I gotta talk to ya. Applejack won't listen and it's awfully important."
out there but... It just [...] think about...
Like you told me in the PM: This is very predictable and I think I know why (apart from the name itself, that is). There are loads of comparisons between the carcass and Apple Bloom... but I think that the loudest tip is this:
How exactly does lil' Bloom know it's a she when the body has been mangled? Also:
Now I'm having doubts if "predictable" is the correct word. Foreshadowing, may be more specific for the most part. There are various tips here and there about Bloom being a ghost, but what gives it away is kind of the "lack of backstory". Why exactly is Apple Bloom in the forest? Then again: I think that placing the little filly and forcing her to act confused would give it away quickly as well. I guess... I guess that the Dark tag ought to give it away.
See, this is more like a "my opinion" than something you did wrong. The narrator knows enough of Bloom to relay to us; so how does he not know if the adrenaline is/isn't blocking the pain and numbness from her little muscles? I don't know, it's not even a "omniscient" thing; it's more like common knowledge.
Why did she slow down? You could say that her hooves gave up and she was expecting some unseen predator's maw, but let's figure this out: You've got a... black panther right in your tail and you've just reached your backyard. Why would you slow down there and then of all places? Just a few paces more!
You're cruel, jmj. I love it!
OH!!! SNAP!
This, right here gives another mighty tip to the reader. Maybe too big of a tip, even. I'd replace the "dead" passage with something like "Apple Bloom needed somepony to talk to and Applejack [...]"
You could've went with, like, "They are just doin' this because I disobeyed them! I didn't listen to them and now they're pretending they didn't listen to me."
I think, however, that the ending isn't so predictable as I previously stated. What is is only a small element: Apple Bloom is dead. The apex of the story, however, comes after we've learned of that fact. Most stories reveal "X is actually ded, FUK U FUK U!11" and end right there and then, not giving one single iota of enlightenment as to:
1) How they felt before dying.
2) How they feel after dying.
Apple Bloom is in a panic, so we can understand that she makes no attempt to rationalize at the moment. The conclusions slowly down on her, and as much as she hates it, she knows it to be true. Now I am left wondering if a lil' something extra with the post-mortem Bloom reminiscing of her life and pondering about the "what now?" would be too much or fit perfectly. I'm really not sure.
PS: I'm sure Zecora would find a way to help lil' Bloom.
2196811
Those damn black panthers. How they get into your head once someone introduces them. maybe that's where they all went, into our nightmares.
I agree with everythign you've written. The criticism is good and I think it has merit. All of the foreshadowing is done because I want the ending to be sensical. Like, when they get to the end and the big reveal occurs I want them to be like, "OH! I get it now... all those little hints...DAMN!" but that comes at the cost of many people seeing the ending coming pretty quickly.
The only crtique I disagree with is
“Big Mac … I gotta talk to ya. Applejack won’t listen and it’s awful important.” because this is grammatically correct in the Appalachian English variation of English and (being a southerner) I know it's how we talk. So while in written english or network standard it is incorrect, it's her accent and way of talking that makes that one correct. It's like saying "ain't" No, it isn't formally correct but it's how many people communicate and, therefore, is correct is certain situations. Of course I'd never write a whole story without dialogue in that manner.
Also,
AAAAMMMMURHIKKKKAAA!!!!!! (Nuke their ass, take their gas)
you've made me like that term in limited use.
Great story. I suspected that Apple Bloom will start suspecting that she is a ghost at Big Mac scene.
2159029
Fillynecrophilia? Do it!
2255196
Ugh. I don't know how that snuck through. Thanks.
Now this is how you tell a ghost story! Oh the feels
First you kill Scootaloo, then Applebloom.
Well, I guess Sweetie Belle's next!
2359367
Sweetie's story is cutie mark corpses : friendship never dies. Check it out.
2359367
Actually, yeah but to correct, Scootaloo dies twice...(In RD gets an abortion she was killed..well..mentioned being killed. They never really /kill/ her, but its implied)
2422486
I hate that story, and it's ideology, so much, that I deny its existence.
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Lol. RD Gets an Abortion is (by the numbers) my most successful story. I'm also quite partial to it. It is probably the most well written story I have. What people hate about the story is the whole abortion concept. Here's what happens. People have their own feelings on abortion being good or bad. (Side note. Did you know that since the Roe V. Wade decision, that made abortion legal, we have had a declining crime rate? Also, in places where abortion is easy to get ((big cities, not places where everyone knows everyone)) that the crime rate dropped drastically because unwanted kids were never born and therefore never grew up in broken homes; henceforth, they did not become criminals. Fun fact. Not arguing for or against, just throwing out a fact.) Anyway, people have feelings about abortion and, sense it is a touchy subject with lots of militant supporters and opposers, they speak their minds before using them. People tend to project their preconceived ideas. Look at racism. A bigot sees a person of other race and immediately sees all the things they HAVE BEEN TAUGHT to dislike about other cultures. They don't know the person, they just hate them because they dislike the color of their skin. The same thing happened with this story. Go through and look at all the comments. Any comment that starts out or has the words "I am for/against abortion" completely missed the point of the story. They think the story is about abortion, as if I were arguing for the validity of it. I have thoughts on it but you won't find them in that story. The fic is all about how heartless Rainbow Dash is to Scootaloo and the secret relationship between them. The concept of the story was to write a grimdark that pulled off a grotesque story WITHOUT the use of blood and guts. How much violence was in the story? None. Nobody got hurt at all. What happens to Scoots is implied but not expressed. She may have escaped, retired her hope that her mother (Dash) cared about her and ran off. Or maybe the doctor's, knowing full well their procedure was a crime against ponykind, called up social services and found her a place in an orphanage or maybe even a home with caring parents. But, in my mind, she's laying on a cold metal bed with tubes mixing her brain like a milkshake. Anyway, the point I am making is that people read the name of the story and immediately made their decisions about it without bothering to read it, or, if they did, what was behind it. It's a much more well crafted "Fun Day" or "Rainbow Factory", at least in terms of shocking without gore. It pulls off making the reader say "Oh crap!" without intestines hanging out or cannibalism.
And to correct Staribbon, Scoots has died 3 times now.
Have I ever told you you're amazing?
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Thank you. Your continued support is well appreciated. I noticed that you have recently fav'd Pinkamenace II Society. It starts pretty roughly written. Please overlook the first few chapters as the writing improves. The story is there, but the writing is drek for a while. I may go back and fix that at some point.
I never was a fan of dark stories, they always disturbed me, and my mind set away to happy places. Then, believe it or not, my happy childhood life was broken when I heard the song "Spirit In The Sky", I edged my way to creepier things in life, to the point when I found that Lilith911's icon photo not scary in the slightest. Then I came across this story. I was surprised at this fic, it was incredibly entertaining for me, the suspense, the climax, and the portrayal of the characters. It was awesome. Now if I were to rate this I'd give it a solid 4.5/5 one of the reasons why, it was kinda short and the drop at the ending was not really what I like in stories. Otherwise this was job well done.
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Thanks for reading. I have always been a fan of dark stories. The problem with the genre is the massive amount of people who write extreme blood and gore and think that is dark/horror. It's not, it's just trash. This genre is epitomized by The Twilight Zone episodes. It's not that you can't write gore into a story, but a story solely about gore is ridiculous and gives a bad name to the genre.
Spirit in the Sky. That's a weird song to suddenly change your opinion. The old 70's/60's song, right? By the jewish guy who pretended to be a Christian to sell records? Lol.
Anyway, if you don't like sudden twists at the end, you may not find most of my material appealing. The twist is what I think is the most important aspect of a short story. Also, many of my stories are very short because I believe short stories are the most perfect extension of literature. Novels are short stories with 300 pages of filler material. My recent stories have been insanely short, focusing on different objectives. Still, take a look if you want. Thanks for the follow and the comment. I love seeing comments.
3055126 Yeah you are right. Sometimes gore can be ridiculous (nudges to creepypasta called noodles), but it can be put be put into it if it's not often and well timed. But I should explain about Spirit in the Sky. My imagination was never as happy as others. I thought of people dying, and what not. Then I listened to the song Spirit in the Sky, and I realized I'm going to die eventually. So I imagined myself dying young, and being buried in the biggest coffin I ever saw. I do like twists, it's just that I kinda liked this story so I wanted more, so the twist as the end was a good ending. I just like this story to a point where I wanted more.
3056115 I hear that a lot. I've seen a ton of 'That's it?" comments. I get it. When I read a book, I'm always happy but disillusioned at the end. I just think short stories are what they are. You have a specific goal in mind and once you reach it, it's over. Gutterloo had tons of people wanting more.
3058016 If I keep reading your stories, I'm afraid the phrase "Happily Ever After" will lose it's meaning for me...
Since I know that none of your stories have yet to end without me in tears, I figured this one out about halfway through.
Your work is amazing. Don't ever stop writing.
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"Happily Ever After". Keep reading. One of them is bound to end on an up-note. Thanks again for the comment.
Predictable, still great though. I thought that there will be some other twist at the end, then you'd have fooled me.
I remember seeing something like this on the Twilight Zone. Only the lady died in a car crash, not mauled by timberwolves.
Scary, but awesome.