Commander Gildaya had it all. An amazing crew, a good starship, and the Spectre status to let her do what needed to be done.
But, after going against the Solar Empire's wishes by accepting a deal from the Lunar Republic, she is stripped of her status, and sent into the custody of the Changeling Corps. After grueling months of torture, she is finally released.
And this is where our story begins...
(( Well, hello!))
((This is a MLP/Mass Effect crossover style of story. You don't need to know anything about Mass Effect to enjoy the story. All you need, is to be able to stand Gilda as the main character ^^))
Chapters (1)
Hmm... There's nothing I can think of in the first chapter that's particularly bad in terms of writing style and dialogue. It's a little cheesy and short, and you're generally lacking in descriptions, but nothing bad enough to break the story.
That said, I am taking issue with you coloring the dialogue. It doesn't help the story in any way shape or form. There's no good reason for you to need to colour all the dialogue to match each speaker, the reader should be able to tell who's speaking based on who they know to be in the conversation, personal voice, and little dialogue tags like 'Gildaya said' or 'the changeling griped'.
Yeah, I might like this a lot better without the pointless colouring, and you just taking the time to describe the scenery and characters a bit more, as well as some slightly smoother scene transitions. Also, before I forget, why did you decide to call her Gildaya, and Rainbowlyn? I mean, it seems pretty random to me. They're supposed to be Shepard and Anderson, right?
For a first chapter it's not bad, though I'm more than a little confused by a few terms. I'm sure that'll be cleared up in the next chapters, hopefuly.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.