Two long years... Nightmare Moon escaped her thousand years of imprisonment, took her revenge against her sister by battling the Elements of Harmony and defeating them, banishing Celestia to her sun. However, she isn't done with just that- she took Twilight and forced her to serve under her as she put the Equestria in darkness and eternal night.
Amidst of all this, she met a companion...
[The story will progressively go from dark, sad, gloomy through two years into something of light story with happy ending. I will change tags as I do, also character tags as well as they get introduced into this story ].
This is my first fanfic! Don't be gentle! One of reason why I started writing is because I'm Deaf and I've yet grasp the full concept of English.
You seem to be dropping prepositions, such as 'to'. Also, the author's note at the end needs to be separated from the chapter. Use a horizontal rule.
For a deaf person, you write well. As for your editor, however...s/he needs to be replaced.
The basic idea of this seems interesting but the writing currently suffers from being to clumpy and the entire chapter sped along way too fast with the fight with Nightmare Moon, Risk getting hurt, Celestia, and Twilight's changes. A bit more detail or at least hints of what's happened in the last two years also might help some.
That was to showcase what happened in "middle" of this story, then going back two years back then stringing it long and good as I can. Of how Risk came across Twilight, I might should also write out the story from her point of view of how she lived through the beating and psychological assault that Nightmare Moon made on her, then of how she met Risk. Then as we reach the part of battle. Which the changes, the transformation, mortal injury that Risk received in the battle will be completely explained/laid-out.
Then the chapters after that "middle" of story would be something of them living on their own, trying to atone their sins or something of those lines. With Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and rest of Mane 6 searching for Twilight Sparkle and Risk. I'm still figuring out the outline of how should they be found, what is the conclusion of them meeting each other again. Thanks for your feedback, Ill take it in with serious consideration.
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The problem is that it all comes rushing forward in the first chapter without any real buildup and to many things are happening to quickly with one thing right after another. The fact that the story is going to largely be a flashback in itself isn't a problem but that the prologue is coming off as being rushed.
Somewhat Ironically you currently have either too much of what's happened or not enough with the way the prologue is set up. A bit focusing on Twilight and Risk before the battle with Nightmare Moon, possibly the view point of some of the rebels, and scene breaks would all help on the first bit or you could just use what's happening near the end of the prologue, along with hints of what has happened earlier in it and going straight to to flashback.
But you're welcome and sorry if I'm coming off as nagging.
Wow... Love it, love everything about it. If you want specific feedback, I'd be happy to provide some, just let me know.
317859 I'm glad that you love SiaE heh, drop any feedback you think is useful.
I've been working on chapter 1 (complete redo, rewriting) and chapter 6. Those are actually finished, I just need a proof-reader/editor to go through it.
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Oh! Oh! Pick me!
gifsoup.com/view3/1344889/donkey-pick-me-o.gif
So sorry for very late chapter everypony, I'm currently pushing myself working on chapter 7! Rewritten chapter 1 shall be up SOON. I hope!
Enjoy the chapter 6!
New reader here: you say that this is Chapter 6, but only 5 chapers are listed here. Why is that? Also, regarding this particular chapter, did you lose your editor? This chapter has a lot of errors, primarily singular/plural and comma/period misuse, and it makes it really hard to read.
On a story note, I find it very hard to believe that nopony had pledged themselves to Nightmare Moon before Risk. Surely there's a reckless colt or opportunistic noble out there, or some dissenters against Celestia willing to back any change of regime.
412515 In regards of my first chapter, read my blog and you'll get the basic gist. I'm about to put it back up soon, and yes I lost my good editor, as well among other writers. He haven't been on for three weeks and I decided it was long enough of wait to find another.
I will look into it, and write better.
Those events are bit recent, but all of them were forced, coerced or tricked into service due to outright fear of Nightmare Moon.You're right surely there was reckless colt or nobles out there there trying to will themselves in her service but the reason would be blatantly obvious- power. Risk isn't after power, but rather something else.
Thanks for reading!
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I realize he's not after power, but you show Risk meeting Twilight over the course of several days and I just cannot believe that nopony swore to serve Nightmare Moon without coercion before him, whether it be for power, wanting to support anyone that's not Celestia, or some sort of cult worshipping the night. The issue doesn't stem from the reason, just that Risk is the first.
its a good read so far, but I have to ask you to go back over this.
but you have no spelling mistakes I could see.
the grammar is setup incorrectly in a few places and its started to bother me
I can feel the story working its way together now, but for teh love of god :U find someone who can actually edit...
I see absolutely no spelling errors, but the grammar is off and many sentences are in need of rephrasing. You may want to go back over these chapters with a fine toothed comb before you upload them. I look forward to chapter 7, I just hope it doesn't follow in exactly the same path as these last 2 chapters.
Will this fic be continued or have you given up on the idea?
2006902 This fic will be continued, after I finish Silent Dreamweaver but lately I've been too busy haha.
2006916 ok that is good to hear this is a very good story and i would like to see where it goes
2006920 How'd you find this story? Just curious.
2007130 I was looking for story's that had Twilight as one of the main ponies. The pic that was what caught my attention.
I REQUEST MOAR INTERESTING CHAPTERS ON MY DESK ASAP...if you don't mind
2036085 I will, but however this story is on hiatus until Silent Dreamweaver is finished or get into hiatus so this could get out of hiatus. So don't worry! This story isn't dead.
Pls write another chapter for this it’s one of the best fanfics I’ve read