Return
Dasher stood in the doorway and stared at the alicorn before him.
It was Twilight.
...It WAS Twilight.
Her alicorn form was drenched in massive bloodstains, mud, and plant matter.
Dasher opened his mouth to scream, but a bloodied hoof stopped him before he could yell.
"Thanks for getting my feathers ripped out! it made for a heck of a time getting back! I wandered the forest all night thanks to that! I had to wait till I could see the shadows of the morning sun to navigate my way out." Twilight trudged in and plopped into the sofas' matching chair, exhaling a long breath, “Sorry, I shouldn't take this out on you... I'm just really tired... Could you have one of the- oh, they're at Applejack's with Spike and the girls... Would you mind making me some coffee?"
Twilight looked to Dasher hopefully. Dasher stood stock still.
"Aren't you..."
"Aren't I?"
"Going to take my soul?"
The horrendous figure stared straight at him.
"No...? I hadn't planed on it..."
"But aren't you..."
"Aren't I?"
"Aren't you Twilight's tormented soul come to claim me for allowing you to die?"
"...uh, no? I'm regular Twilight come to claim your coffee. ...uh, are you ok? You look like you've seen- Whoa!"
Dasher had his hooves around the returned princess as soon as he realized she wasn't his imagination.
"How did you escape the Lupus? I thought- We thought you-" Letting go he stammered and gestured towards Twilight's blood-soaked body, "But it looks like you really kicked some flank with that lupus!"
"I didn't. You know those reports that alicorns don't just not age, but are absolutely immortal? All wounds healing quickly and damage barely affecting us?"
He nodded.
"Confirmed." she said, letting the implications sink in.
"Does that mean..." Dasher drew back in shock.
"Yeah, I died, multiple times actually. But I did finally manage to stab the Lupus with the dart and wear him down until the drug took effect and he passed out. As for all this," she gestured to her now red coat, "all mine. He managed to land some pretty good hits on me."
"We're so sorry princess!" Dasher dropped his nose to the floor. "We failed terribly in our job."
"What do you have to be upset about? I ordered you to run, and you ran. It's not like anything too bad happened. All's well that ends well."
"But we abandoned you! Allowed you to die! We failed our duty!"
"Actually, I don't think you did. At any point has the guard ever been sent out to stop such a creature? Or has Celestia always done it herself? In the palace, how often did you actually protect the princess? I really think you are just here for crowd control and to keep paparazzi ponies out of my mane (and home). If I had to assess your actual value defensively, with only four of you, I'd say it's absurd for you to be expected to protect me. Celestia probably didn't expect anything to happen in 'peaceful little Ponyville' and only sent you to keep ponies off my back."
Dasher sat staring at the princess who had just revealed that he and his unit had the effectiveness of a decretive fence.
"...so, uh, could you get me some coffee? Soft and the girls are at Applejack's learning about Ponyville and I don't think my legs will obey me anymore."
"Yes princess!" Dasher snapped to the task and ran to the kitchen.
Twilight, who had spent the whole night dealing with the tiring issues of a giant wolf and the other horrors of the Everfree, let sleep drift over her.
Bastion and Stonehoof were the next to wake up to the sound of banging in the kitchen. Both had gone to sleep after completing their tasks the previous night, under directive from Blue Blazer to sleep, recharge and be prepared if something came up, or for when the princess arrived from Canterlot.
Both soldiers saw Twilight at the same time.
"Princess!" Bastion squeaked, "Princess?" he walked up to her, "Princess... oh sweet Celestia..." the extent of her blood-soaked form was a sight to take in. "Oh Celestia..."
Bastion and Stonehoof averted their gazes from the terrible sight.
"I'm so sorry..." tears flowed freely from Bastion, "I should have stayed with the others... Then maybe we all could have..."
Stonehoof put his foreleg around his companion.
"No, it wouldn't have changed anything. This is how the creator saw fit to-"
"Coffee's done!" Dasher called from the kitchen and less than a second later he entered the main room with a tray and the brightest of smiles.
"Oh, hey fellas, how'd ya sleep?"
Bastion and Stonehoof looked to each other and then back to the coffee bringer.
"What guys?" Dasher looked down at himself, "Do I have a stain on my coat? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Dasher, I can't believe... I'm so sorry... We'll get you help."
"Nah, I got this. It's just some coffee for the princess!"
Bastion and Stonehoof exchanged another glance.
"Dasher, I need you to-"
"I'll help you in a sec, the princess needs her coffeeeeeEEEEEE!"
He tripped, spilling the coffee all over the unconscious princess.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Her scream rang out setting off several other events all at once.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Bastion and Stonehoof embraced at the unholly horror risen before them.
Awoken by the screaming, Blue Blazer jumped to his hooves and scaned the room for the source of the commotion. Upon finding it, he promptly passed right back out.
The door to the library opened as a brown earth pony walked in, "Princess Twilight? I'm sorry to bother you so early in the... nevermind." he backed right out the way he came in, closing the door behind him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa.......?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Uh...?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Bastion? Stonehoof?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"You can stop now."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Seriously, stop."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Twilight took a deep breath. "STOP!" she yelled at them.
"She's unholy! Kill her quick!" Bastion shouted as Stonehoof dove for his Sword amongst his discarded armor.
"No need for that." Twilight said as she grabbed both freaking out stallions with her magic, "I'm not a zompony or anything, just... Well actually, by definition I am, but not really."
Her explanation didn't seem to help much as the stallions flailed.
"SHUT UP!" she shouted as she pounded her hoof into the ground for emphasis.
They finally complied.
She looked over to Dasher, who was covering his ears in the corner.
"Is it over?" He asked.
"Yes," she said, looking into her grasped ponies' eyes for confirmation that it was, in fact, over. She received more nods.
"Ok, and by the way, Dasher, when you tell these two about what I told you happened, amend my analysis of alicorn biology to include pain absence."
The stallion stared at her awkwardly.
"Pain stems from the body's natural damage avoidance systems, but likely due to my immortality, I guess I no longer need pain. ...and here I was thinking it had just been adrenaline that made me not feel... Well... all this." she gestured to her bloody self again.
"That's..." Bastion said as he felt the magical binds that held him up dissolve, releasing him.
"...wonderful princess." Stonehoof finished for his speechless companion. "It's good to see you're ok."
"Thanks. Anyway, Dasher, you mind telling these two what I told you? I would say to wait until the captain woke up, but he seems like he's going to be out for a while.
"Yes princess!"
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groan twilight get new guards
Ouch.
"Do you know what it's like to die?"
"Yes; fifteen distinct forms of it to date and I'm sure I'll learn more with time."
2421677 Like Hard Reset, only without the timeskip (or endless suffering!)
I love it. <3
I so would have screamed too if i were Dasher and saw that bloodied Twilight.
And that´s why you always have at least one of your hoofmaidens with ya; Twily. To make coffee.
And to not do what Dasher did afterwards. XD
Funny, smypathic and adorable - well done.
Holy shit. That would explain why Celestia send Luna to the Moon, there was no way to kill Nightmare Moon, two gods fighting it out would have end in the destruction of Equestria so Celestia cut her losses and banished her own sister with NMM. Or why Chrysalis didn´t killed Celestia, she couldn´t, she could only beat her and imprison her.
Good way to make sense and save the day with Twi´s alicornhood! Though that does mean she died quite alot.^^;
lolz, Twi really feels like a goddess princess here. XD
A princess trying to make a mortal realizes the difference between their powers in this world.
Autsch. As softly as an arrow to the knee, Twily. But then again, after all the stunts those guys have pulled on her even ending in her death ( i hope she told Zecora everything´s fine else she too will believe she´s a ghost) they kidna deserve it. :)
Also given how popular Twi will be with paparazies and ponies courting her to marry them those four will be very busy in the near future. Right now they are all in Canterlot believeing Twi is there with the Princesses. Once they know she´s in a backwater village they will all get there as quickly as possible - a pony stampede. XDDD
Auuuuuuu, now those poor dods are just unlucky. Like born under a bad star or something. And Twi is getting all the result of their bad luck. XDDD
Poor Twily, but its still a classic and a funny one cause cartoon horse.
Also the part where the other two think Dasher has gone insane cause of the sight of the princess was marevlous too.^g^
I think you mean Bastion and Stonehofo given that Dasher was seen later in the corner covering his eyes.^^
But yeah, i would scream too if my cute little adorable and lovely and oh so beautiful princess became a zompony. And probably feel heart-crushed cause i let that happen in the first place.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~
Aw, that guy gonna be in for a treat next chapter when he gets told the news and how effective he and his proud guards gonna be. They expected to be the bodyguards of Princess Twlight to defend her against all evil and then the evil turns out to be paparazzis and suitors. XD
I think you should make the Stop black and a size bigger to show her "princess" voice volume. (god i so hope for a Princess Twilight shout in full volume in S4) :3
That makes awful lot of sense... but Twi can still feel touches and such, right? I mean, she didn´t became completley void of touch feelings and such, right? Just no pain and everything else is still there, right?
Next chapter gonna be interesting to read how the four will cope with reality aka Twi being immortal and powerful and their real role to uhm heroically hold of paparazzis. XD
And of the hoofmaidens return and at the mess their once so beautiful Princess was. They gonna talk a stern word with the guards, maybe even worse than what Twi told them. XDD
And Twi´s friends who will be damn surprised at her immortalness... wait, why didn´t Celestia/Luna told her about this? Did they just forgot cause they´re used to it?
This was a great chapter and i hope youll update soon as i really wanna see how Twi´s life as a princess in ponyville in the eyes of the media and everypony else will be handled with the help of her family, friends, guards, hoofmaidens and other Ponyvillers.^^
Well, Twilight can no longer die; though, what happens in you remove her head?
2421730 First, WOW, that comment deserves an award! Seriously, thanks! I really appreciate all the feedback!
As for your question about sensation: yes, she can still feel everything else, just not pain. The spilled coffee woke her up like anyone would be when being splashed with liquid , so she jumped, but she did not experience any pain from it. While most sensations allow us to interact with the environment and facilitate survival in one way or another, pain is almost an exclusively a "don't do that again" sensation that helps us to realize what harms us in order to prevent death. So now that Twilight cannot die, she don't need no stinkin' pain!
And thanks for finding my errors, they're fixed now.
O.o umm okay... that was a little out there... heh.. even for this story me thinks.
What caused her to yelp?
2421940 Fear of falling on her face like any sane individual. When a rock flies at your windshield you still blink don't you?
after all thet they've put her through I would have thought Twilight would have played it up but with her being so tired it's understandable for not to
that would have been SO hilarious.
nice points on the immortality and no longer needing to feel pain bu still having feeling
You need commas after each of the items in a list.
bloodstains, mud, and plant matter
So all these injuries and yet this fic is still rated Everyone and doesn't have a gore tag. O.k. since when did this fic become like amazing?
Definitely a great string of lines.
The worst possible punishment that Twilight could have visited upon the guards: Making them painfully aware of the pointlessness of their roles in life. Ouch.
You misspelled "decorative".
One more thing: Aw, Dasher, you're so much more useful than just that. You can also get coffee. What decorative fence can do that?
2421877 To be fair, she could still decide to do it to Blue Blazer before the situation is fully explained to him.
Well, we know what Twilight's doing for a costume next Nightmare Night!
Or would going into the Everfree with the intent of being ripped apart several times in order to get that "butchered-by-ferocious-beasts-and-now-semi-back-from-the-dead-in-order-to-feast-upon-the-flesh-of-the-living" look be irresponsible and in bad taste?
2423582
Awww, you deleted your comment that you responded to me in, I am sad now.
This chapter was golden. Made even better by the coffee!
Golden, golden golden. Twilight is so hilariously nonchalant. Those poor poor guard accesories.
2421780 if you cut off her head, two more take it's place.
2428129
Like she now has a grand total of 3 heads, two attached and one on the ground? EWWWWWW!
2423632 Oops, sorry about that.
What I meant to say was something along the lines of "What do you mean? She can still die, and she does; multiple times actually. It's just that her body finds being dead really boring and refuses to let her stay that way, forcing her to regenerate whenever it happens."
...I think that I said it better before. You know, in the comment that I accidentally deleted, probably thinking that I had doubleposted it.
2421780
There can be only one!!!
2428307
This was in response to the head thing right? Cause I was getting images of a body growing from a head and a head from a body, so two Twilight Sparkles.
2428377
BUT TWO MEANS THERE ARE MORE OF HER TO LOVE!
Plenty of humor this chapter, and those guards are showing concern for Twilight beyond mere duty. Awww, I think they may actually like and care about her at this point
Then again, it's Twilight, who wouldn't like her after knowing her for even a short while?
The part about Twilight confirming her immortality through...field testing let's call it....strangely depressing
if not for her Alicornification we'd have lost our kind hearted adorkable bookworm 
and when would they have found her remains!? 
I once saw a fanfic where non-Alicorn Twilight BARELY managed to defeat an Ursa Major....those Lupus must be baaaaad dudes
2421956 Nice save
2428411 I think so.
Next Chapter PLZ
Ok, just re-read this chapter, and I am calling bullshit on Twilight not feeling pain.
If she can't feel pain the hot coffee would not have woken her up screaming in pain. Also there is an "I" that needs capitalization.
princess Lina's? Or did you mean princess Luna?
So, the Royal Guards are meant to look cool but be useless in a fight?
Bet Shining Armor feels pretty happy right now
2741374
You bet your backside he's happy. Being a royal eye candy has some advantages.
Cloudsdale Cloud Coffee, so good it resurrects the dead
I've come to claim your coffee...genius...