Join Blaze as he goes on many adventures, meeting new friends and some old ones along the way
Chapters (5)
Lightning-Blaze
Joined 9th Jan, 2012 ·
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interesting story but there are some grammar and spelling mistakes for example:
(2nd sentence)... and everypony ->are<-up to their usual daily tasks.
needs to be singular(is/was)
Dash started to think about what she could do to have ->lightning<- show...
needs to be a capital L (because it is a name)
and you could use commatas more often
and because i'm online using my phone, i'm to lazy to go into detail about every mistake which i saw but i'm sure i didn't see all (who is perfect?). I am not meaning to offend you with this, but when noone points out your mistakes you won't be able to make it better(
learning new things),also maybe you should get a proof-reader or if you already have one ,get one more, more eyes and a higher chance to spot out all mistakes ;)
still, i like your story
ok i'm interested to see how this is going to be continued, but i started to notice more mistakes than in chapter 2 and 3, if you want them to be pointed out i can tell you where the mistakes are but as i've said in my comment on chapter 1, i'm online with my phone ,so i'm only going to point them out if you want me to do it.
btw. are there going to be portals?
I'm intrested let's se where it goes shall we? why of course we will and i can't seem to stop talking to mysel. Eenope seems we can't.
295324 thanks, if you can spot any mistakes at all, please tell me and i haven't been
offended,all writers make mistakes. I already have a proof reader from this website but
what I do is print off copies of my story and get one of my close friends to read it and
he also points out mistakes. I am going to do a full re-read to see if i can spot some mistakes.
295432 I should be introducing portals in one of the later chapters
Uhhh... I guess I'll be honest and say that I don't really like it that much. Sorry.
Although, as a reviewer on Ponychan, I'm much stricter on this stuff so don't sweat it too much. 
Things start with: In all of Equestria, the day could not get any better.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing and
everypony are up to their usual daily tasks.
Fluttershy was tending to her animal friends,
Pinkie Pie was being her usual unpredictable self,
Twilight Sparkle was studying in her library, Applejack
and her brother Big Macintosh were harvesting apples,
Rarity was designing new dresses to be displayed at a
fashion show and Rainbow Dash was trying to make the
most of her spare time.
Are you familiar with the writing rules 'avoid passive voice' and 'show, don't tell'? The problem is that you've set the scene using very bland and descriptive language (X was Y). Things need to be tailored around the characters so that things go right to their voice immediately.
I might write this as:
Rainbow Dash thought that the day could not get any better, flying back over Ponyville during her spare time from the Wonderbolts. She saw the sun shining upon Fluttershy below her, the cute little bunnies and singing birds twirling around the yellow pegasus. Dash flew over Sugarcube corner, picturing Pinkie cooking up yet another batch of cupcakes as her usual usual unpredictable self. Dash beat her left wing over and flopped across towards the new training field.
And then there'd be more. But you see that I'd go to Dashie immediately and everything from then on would be Dashie's point of view.
Have fun writing!
297632, It's ok, everyone has different opinions of my story, thankyou for the review but i will be keeping my story how it is at the moment. With it being my first fic, i am not ready to completely change it to just one point of view. If I write another story after i complete this one, i will be doing it in Dash's point of view.
i've got some good news, i got my close friend to read my story so far, he likes it, he noticed a few grammatical errors which he is going to tell me so i can sort them out
hm nice so far , the "jail scene" had confused me a bit but i am interested to see how far you will go with it because first i didn't expected that there will be death in this story, just don't try to overstretch it (or at least i would advise it to you), just keep on writing your way, it is most likely that i will read on and tell you what i think
)
(btw. who needs a full stop if you can write a comment in one sentence
382280, thanks
, i'm not putting a lot of death in it, (thank god), just took a week off of writing to get the ideas flowing, i will be starting work on chapter 6 on monday, and the story is about to become interesting but i'll let you fiind out when my next chapters are up, don't know how long it will take to get my next chapter up, so sorry if you have to wait for some time.
im going to read the story now :D
441663 thanks
