I Can't Pull a Plow, Plow, Plow an Iron Plow, Plow Part One
Attention idiotic writing apparatus,
Today was… interesting, to say the least. Seems that ‘Fluffy’ isn’t quite what I first thought… He’s still different, and annoying, but it should be more manageable. Ish.
It all started when I saw him trying, and failing quite spectacularly, I might add, to pull a plow…
Ow… Brian… Ow… If I ever… ow… survive this… ow… I swear to God… ow… that I will- ow! Ow, ow, ack, breathe, breathe… kill you.
... Brah, I know I’m just the guy who relays the information to you, but does it really hurt that much? You’ve only been working for an hour, give or take. Isn’t-
Brian, shut up.
Ow… I know it’s a little pathetic, but allow me to shed a little context on this little scenario. I was currently on Jay’s farm. Working. She started me out trying to buck apples, and-
No, don’t ask how kicking a tree makes the apples fall down. I don’t know. I don’t even pretend to know how or why the trees aren’t damaged from hooves smashing into bark, so I’m just going to chalk it up to magic. Yes, I know it’s a lazy conclusion, but I don’t particularly care at this moment, so there.
So yeah, that didn’t work out, so now I’m on the plow. Or rather, trying. I’ve managed to pull it most of a line, so I’m actually somewhat proud of myself!
Except for the fact that I know I’m doing it wrong, but I haven’t quite figured out in what way, yet. Still, I know I’m burning calories, and my muscles should grow fairly quickly, at least at first, so it’s not like today is going to be a horrib-
“What are you doing? Is it seriously that heavy?”
Dammit! Of all the times for Crystal to show up to bitch at me, it-
Hey, don’t blame me! She didn’t make any noise!
I wasn’t going to, Brian! I was just lamenting the unfortuitous circumstances of my exclamation, that’s all.
Want help dealing with angry bitch numero uno?
Nah, it’s cool, brah. I got this.
... Well then, I’ll just go make myself some popcorn then. Should be entertaining, at least…
I sighed, took a deep breath to calm myself down, grateful I was already taking a momentary respite from lugging the steel. “Yes and no. Yes, it is that heavy the way I’m pulling it. Should it be this heavy, no. Probably not, anyway. So if you don’t mind, I-”
“It’s a piece of equipment, how do you not know how to operate it?”
Brian, is that sarcasm, or actual confusion?
Hmm? Is who what now? Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of this popcorn repeating to me that you didn’t need me, according to you. I guess you’re on your own, brah. Ta!
... Prick. Whelp, I guess I get to solo this one whether I like it or not. Fun. “Because, Princess, just because you know the theory and the application does not preclude the necessity of experience!”
Oh-ho! Note to self, she really hates it when I call her princess. Okay.
Fluffy wants to learn the nickname ‘Princess’, but he’s already got four monikers! Should an old name be replaced?
>Yes
Which one should be replaced?
“Oh, so the muscle-bound ape does know how to use big words! Progress!”
… Wow, that’s new. Someone is insulting my being fat by calling me the opposite. This is a unique experience after all. If I’m not careful, my feelings might actually get hurt a little!
“Well, seeing as how there aren't currently any ‘muscle-bound apes’ around, I’ll take the insult as a compliment and ask you to kindly Frell off, as I’m trying to work.”
“What?!”
And sha-bam! She’s ticked, I win! And as an extra bonus, she knows what I mean by the word, but doesn’t know the origin, so she’s pissed that she doesn’t know where it’s from! Time to send her home! Be prepared to write me down a perfect score, Brian! Suck it!
Uh-huh. Excuse me if I don’t rush to get writing utensils right away.
“You heard me, tralk. Why don’t you just-”
Aaaaaand an Ice Beam to the face. Oh-ho, yeah, this is gonna be good. Damn, I hope I made enough popcorn for this.
Oww… Brian, you’re an asshole. Just so you know.
Yeah, yeah, uhuh… Oooh, looks like an Ice Fang coming up!
I’ll just… spare you the specific details, but suffice it to say, I got my ass handed to me. Last time I had some self-righteousness to help me fight. Today? All I have is fear for my life, and then again, I wasn’t exactly trying to fight so much as escape.
See, she kind of understood what I said, as in she’s seen Farscape, so needless to say, she was more than justified in being pissed as all get out at me. Kinda hard to fight back against someone you know is fully justified in wanting to kill you.
Mind, it didn’t stop me for doing everything I possibly could to escape, or disable her from attacking me, of course, but I wasn’t trying to really hurt her.
Honestly, in hindsight… With as pissed as she was, I’m somewhat surprised I’m still alive, actually. I think it helped that I kind of gave up. Like, the last few hits, just let her hit me, without moving or trying to resist. It hurt like effing hell, but it was pretty much my only chance, as I remembered, fairly quickly, mind, that I couldn’t out-run her.
I actually don’t quite remember the last hit or two, as at that point, I was just letting myself bounce on the ground when she tackled me, but I do remember seeing her shaking above me, still in a bit of a rage. “Tell me,” she seethed at me. “Give me one good reason not to keep kicking your ass all over this field…”
... Wait, I’m still alive? And not unconscious from the pain? I have to say, I’m doing better than I thought, once I saw her snap.
Yup. Did better than I expected too, without my help. I thought you would have managed to set the whole farm on fire, then bury it in a snowstorm, so only you getting beat up? Consider myself proven wrong. Oh, and she asked you a question, brah. Might wanna answer that.
Oh. Right. Thanks Brian. You’ve been a great help, as always.
... Wow, kid was knocked more loopy than I thought.
“Well, I don’t think I have health insurance yet, so it would be awfully inconvenien-”
Gahhhhh-dammit! Stop standing on my stomach, damn! “Fine, sorry! Not that saying sorry is enough, but I went overboard, what else can I say? ‘Gee willikers, thanks a lot for bullying me this week! I definitely don’t get enough of that at home, so please, continue as much as you want!’”
She stood in silence, though whether from rage or shock, I don’t know. After a couple seconds, what indignation I felt dissipated in the wake of a fresh wave of pain. Enough pain to make me debate how much I deserved it. The hard part? Admitting that, at least mostly, I kinda did deserve it. Maybe not quite as badly as what she did to me, but still punch-bag worthy. Crap… Now my conscience is kicking in...
I sighed quietly, wincing, then started on a real apology. “Look, I’m sorry… I went overboard. I pride myself on being better than that, and to find out I’m not… I’m sorry I called you a slut. You might be a bitch, but that doesn’t necessarily preclude you being… that.”
“... You’re fat.”
If it weren’t for how she said it, I would have probably gotten infuriated. As it was, her tone had the perfect mixtures of confusion, amazement, and deadpan that I started laughing. I know, it might seem like a stupid reaction, but what can I say? I’ve never had anyone say it like that before, and it was funny for some reason.
What… the hell. He’s fat? How… What the hell kind of jock is he if he’s fat?! And what’s wrong with him that he’s laughing about it?! It makes no sense!
“Okay, look, football player, I don’t get what’s so f- stop laughing!” I exclaimed, stomping on the ground. I could kill you right now, for crying out loud! ‘Why aren’t you taking me seriously?!”
“We, we didn’t have football at my high school,” he gasped between laughs. “And I just… your face! It’s like somebody just told you that Lord of the Rings was getting a crossover movie with Harry Potter!”
I… that… “What?! That doesn’t even make sense! There’s no way that could even-”
“I know!” he interrupted, still laughing, though much more weakly. Good, he’s finally feeling the beating I gave him. Bastard! Nobody calls me a slut! “It’s just so ridiculous! But your face! What, did you think I was a jock because I’m a Flareon? Talk about-”
His laughter died almost instantaneously as his eyes went blank. What’s he even thinking ab-
Wait… Come on, there had to be some other reason I thought he was a jock when we first… That’s right! He was being self-righteous about having… Who did he blame? Think… Okay, fine, I guess I’ll have to do some research. I mean, fine, I found out yesterday that those two girls were really bratty assholes, and might have gone a little overboard in dealing with him, but… No, have to follow the facts. He blamed the prissy white one’s sister or daughter or whatever, right? I just have to get Whisper or whoever to translate.
“-ular girl, are you.”
Oh, joy, he’s speaking again. “What?”
“You’re not a popular girl, are you?”
I nearly laughed at his stupid question, but something about his eyes told me he seriously wanted to know. “Of course not, moron! What tipped you off?”
“Well,” he said slowly, wincing as he sat up. “A number of things, actually. First and foremost, you thinking I was a jock was the main reason, but then I remembered something Triumph said-”
Who? Wait, Meis said something yesterday morning about a stupid nickname that he got. “What, you mean Meis?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. But think about it. Did you know he was afraid of heights?”
“Well yeah, but what does that have to do wi-”
Wait… Why would someone who’s afraid of heights...
“... So,” he said after a moment, rubbing at his bruised foreleg with a wince. “Yeah. Aside from apologising for acting like an uneducated asshole, is th-”
“Excuse me? I am not apologising for-”
“No! Not you, I…” He sighed, smacking himself in the face. I admit, I felt a little satisfaction from the resounding smack I heard. “I was talking about me, okay? While I was under the false impression that you were a part of the cancerous tumor that are ‘popular girls’, calling you what I did was over the line, and, somehow, saying sorry just doesn’t feel like it’s enough.”
… Wow, I am really doing poorly in the jumping to conclusions department. Still, at least he knows he went over the line! “Well, you would be right! Jerk.”
He opened his mouth, but then closed it again. I waited as patiently as I could, which, admittedly, was only a few seconds, before asking, “What?”
“Oh, sorry. I uh, space out a lot. I was just trying to decide if being a jerk is a step higher or lower from being a moron.”
… Pfft… “Nerd.”
“I prefer the term ‘geek’, thank you very much!” he sniffed indignantly, turning his nose up at me. “Though that term is also a little misleading, as I’m not hipster enough to really be called a geek, nor quite anal about intelligence to be called a nerd, so if you have to call me something, why not call me a nerk, or maybe a gerd?”
I don’t even know why, but I started giggling. Is he for real? “R-really? A *snerk* gerd? What even is a-”
“Oh, I think you know,” he said, narrowing his eyes, his tone condescending. “You’ve been thinking it ever since we started talking, haven’t you?! Well you can’t have them! They’re mine!”
“What?!” I chortled, trying to keep my laughing quiet. Last thing I need to do is encourage the idiot! Oh wait… Damn you, past Jessie!
He gasped, his eyes growing impossibly wide as he shouted, “Ermahgerd, kerrerts!”
I… don’t even know why I laughed, but it was just so ridiculous that, as injured as he is, and with what we were talking about, he’s busy being a… A… “You… are such a dork!”
“The name’s McDoogle… Wally McDoogle…”
“It is not, you… Stop claiming to...” Why am I laughing?! He’s just being a...
“Willie Plummet? I can settle for-”
“N-no! J-just stop… stop…” Dammit, why am I laughing so hard?!
So there I was, laying on the grass as I gasped for breath. What is his problem? Is he a few grapes short of a bunch or something? A few sodas short of a six-pack? A few french fries-
Brian… if I have somehow managed to avert further physical damage, I am considering this to be a success.
Yeah, because success includes calling females tralks, uh-huh. *cough*bullshit*cough*. Who-what-I didn’t say anything! Just need a drink of water, I swear!
Whatever…
Honestly, I’m surprised that being random and making stupid references made her laugh. Not that I’m complaining, mind. At least I have a chance of her taking my apology seriously now, instead of just out of fear for my life.
Summoning my strength, which after working for an hour wasn’t much, I limped my way to… Wait, what’s her name? Surely I’ve heard her name somewhere! I mean, there’s no way that I don’t know her name, right?
... Brian? Please tell me you caught her name somewhere.
Umm… All I gots is when you called her a… what was it… Creepo McStalker Chick?
Okay, so great. I have to apologise to someone when I don’t even know their name. How do I even… What can I possibly say...
“Ow.”
Well, besides that, I mean. Hmm… Brian’s got nothin… I’ve got nothin… Guess I have to go with Plan G. ‘What does G stand for’, you might ask? Well, firstly, and keep in mind: I am a Christian, and hate it when others mock me by taking God’s name in vain. So understand how I feel when I say to learn your God-damned grammar! You don’t end a sentence in a preposition! Do not make me come find you to kick your ass to the moon!
Flu-Fluffy, breathe brah, breathe!
I am breathing, Brian, now shut up!
Plan G: plan grovel. Well, not grovel so much as beg for mercy, but same difference.
“I… uh, about… I just…”
Well… this is going swimmingly...
She coughed, having finished laughing, and was now facing me. I am so dead.
“Okay, I am really curious here,” she asked in an eerily calm voice. “How are you still standing after I beat your butt all over the field?”
“Umm…” How do I even answer this question? Even if it weren’t incredibly embarrassing, how-
“Honestly, the fact that you’re still standing to try, and fail, to apologise is rather impressive, but how are you doing it?”
Stay strong, brah! Don’t let her know! Your masculinity can’t take-
I whimpered, admitting, “I’m afraid I’ll die if I lie back down…”
Brah, you-
If I had any masculinity left, Brian, it died when she kicked my ass. Shut up.
“What? I did not beat you up that badly!” she protested, her footfalls creating clouds of dirt as she got closer. Wait, are they still footfalls when they’re paws? Pawfalls? Padfalls? I don’t know!
“Wait, what are you going to do? Don’t- augh! Ah-ha-ha-oww...”
“Oh come on you big baby! It’s just a bruise! Stop trying to milk an oscar from it or something,” she snapped at me, poking my ribs one by one.
To those of you who might be wondering about my strange… shall we say, ‘laughing’ injury, lemme ask you: ever had an injury hurt so bad that you try to laugh through the pain?
“What the hell is wrong with you? Your ribs aren’t even fractured, let alone broken, so what’s with-”
“Pain is relative.”
Oh wow, my voice squeaked? That’s… really kind of pathetic. Oh man, is my face red.
Well duh it’s red, moron. You’re a Flareon. Having reddish-orange faces is kind of part of the package deal.
... Glaceon, whatever your name is, I hereby give you permission to attack and kill the voice in my head that tells me to do stuff.
... Yeah, see, for that to work, you kind of need to, I don’t know, say it out loud so that she can hear you? That kind of helps a bit.
“Did you just-” the Glaceon started to say, before stopping with a blink. “... Know what? Fine. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“No rush. Still have an entire field to uh… pully-thingy. Till. Whatever it’s called.”
“What happened to your whole “I’m going to die” thing?” she asked, arcing an eyebrow.
I blinked, before replying, “Technically, I said if I lay down I would die. And since I’m allergic to dying, I’m not going to lay down. And since I’m not going to lay down, I may as well try to keep working. And since I’m going to try to keep working… Umm… Didn’t think this far ahead, admittedly.”
I sat down slowly, using the back of my paw to massage my forehead. “I guess then I try to-”
Brah, she’s gone. She listened to maybe half of what you said before running off.
Oh. Well… That was simple.
It’s also not good, brah. What if she comes back, still ticked that you didn’t apologize properly?
“What in tarnation… How in th’ blue blazes didja manage to get so beat up just by pulling a plow?”
Oh, it’s Jay. Well, this will be fun to try to explain! Let’s see… Sitting down? Check. Umm… Uhh...
Dang, is that it for the list, Brian?
As I heard Jay’s brother say, ‘Eeyup’.
Well, let’s do then! LEEEER-
Glenn, shut up and get to work.
Alright, alright! Sheesh, ruin my fun why don’t you.
... I thought I just did. What, I’m supposed to ruin it while ruining it? Sorry, I don’t know how to explode the fun doubly. That sounds complicated.
I chose to ignore the ignoramoose and initiate my plan! I had my brilliant answer for how to explain to Jay what I did!
I shrugged.
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Shouldn't that be 'there aren't'?
Why did she run away? Probably to look for a man the buck up pill for fluffy. And yes to all the characters.
3352154 Not sure how I missed that, thanks.
Mmmmmmmayyyybeh.
3352207 Yeah, my bad as well. Noticed that when you asked me to take a look, but forgot to mention it.
I'm sorry.
3352458Actually, my main pokemon is my Gardevoir. You can catch a Ralts in... trying to remember where I caught mine. Oh yeah! Just outside of Camphrier Town.
You Do Not Know How, How, To Pull an Iron Plow, Plow
Even If You Know How, You Are Too Injured.
Not my best work, I admit...
3369034 ah will
3353182 How now brown plow cow cowcowcowcowcowcowcowcowcowcowcowcowcowcowcowcow
(Brain.exe has stopped responding.)
3414956 ... It is? I know the Kaye chapters were confusing, mostly because that was part of the goal, but... you had trouble following this? Do you want me to summarize?
I think this is messing with my brain.
3446822 Sorry... Is it the switching between character perspectives that's doing it? If so, that part is mostly going away, and/or should be more easy to figure out in the first line who the character is. If you're confused, is there any way I can explain what you're confused about?
—Winston Churchill
You know, while I used to dislike her, I think there's a very real possibility of Crystal redeeming herself in my eyes. In fact, I might even start to really like her.
There's going to be Fluffy/Crystal shipping, isn't there?
Crystal really seems to be smart-aleck, she always seems to be so mean, but i guess that makes her unique in this story, but i would like it if Fluffy would win one time against Crystal.
I don´t know if i missed something, but in the most situation, i think Fluffy has done nothing wrong, and Crystal is visiting him all the time, just to kick his ass.
Okay i have read that he called her a slut and things like that, but i still would like it if she would be punished, because attacking Fluffy all the time.
5684300 Perhaps I have gone a LITTLE overboard with her, but please trust me when I say she has good reason to be acting the way she does. Everything will happen in good time, and when I get there, hopefully all of the readers will agree it was worth the wait.
So... Is the backstory that Pokémon used to live in Equestria ever going to be elaborated upon, or was it just for the setup? Does Garnet appear again?
You could have tried Headbutt.