Meeting Equestria's biggest fucktard.
I finally pulled away from Luna, although she seemed reluctant to let go, and I looked her in the eyes. “I will not say I forgive you, for you have done no wrong. It is me who should be apologising, for allowing you to see such events.” I suddenly had trouble breathing as she squeezed hard for a moment before letting go fully.
“Now, if you don't mind ladies, could you possibly show me back to my room? I'm kind of lost.” As I said this, the door burst open and a flurry of guards rushed in. Seeing me nearby and a crying princess could not look good. Fortunately, I had a witness.
“Calm down gentlecolts, we were just having an emotional discussion. We'll make sure he gets back to his room.” The guards just looked at Luna, who nodded, and then swept out of the room and back to their posts.
“Well then, shall...” I had just started speaking when something entered the room. Something so terrifying I found myself wanting to face down the guards. Naked.
“AND JUST WHERE THE BUCKING HAY HAVE YOU BEEN MISTER? YOU ASK ME TO STAY WITH YOU AND THEN WHEN I WAKE UP YOU HAVE GONE AND LEFT!!!! WELL WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?? AND STOP HIDING BEHIND PRIncess Luna. Oh dear.”
Peering fearfully around my shield at the suddenly calm yellow mare, I allowed a moment to calm down myself before explaining things. “When I woke up you were asleep, and I couldn't bring myself to disturb you, you looked too adorable. I just wanted a walk, and I saw this tower from the corridor. I was just looking for a view of the city, and when I got here I had a wonderful view of the beautiful night sky as well.”
Now, back home I may not have been the best smooth talker around. In fact I was probably the worst, but I got the impression that not one, but two mares in the room, didn't have contact with their male counterparts on a regular basis. The pink cheeks of Fluttershy and Luna had me a little worried until Twilight spoke up. “Great! Of all the examples of your species that we could have got, we got a soldier, somepony who seems to enjoy annoying one pony in particular, and he's a charmer to boot!!! What I wouldn't give to see Discord right now!!!”
As she said this, I suddenly started to feel strange. I could feel a.....energy.....and it was heading right for us. It didn't feel like an threat, but it didn't feel friendly either. “Girls, get behind me, something is coming.” They looked at me for a second before obeying, trusting my judgement. I had the sudden urge to start counting down.
“Three”
“Two”
“One”
As I said the last number, there was a flash of white light, followed by a mad cackling. As the light faded, there was only one thing standing there. Equestria's biggest fucktard and resident draconequus. Discord. Dammit Twilight, you just had to open your mouth!!! He started to walk towards us, and that's when I let out my warning.
“Take one step closer and I'll rip off one of your horns and shove it up your arse.” It had the desired effect and he stopped, looking at me blankly. He took another step forward and I moved to meet him. He started to move back but I had closed the distance quickly, bringing my knee up to my chest and kicking him in his stomach. As he doubled over, I gabbed him in to a head lock and got hold of the nearest horn. As I started to twist, I could see his talon clicking repeatedly, trying to use his chaos magic on me. He then looked to the other inhabitants of the room, who all wore shocked faces. He managed to speak whilst gasping for breath.
“Fluttershy......help......me!!”
“Now Lucky, let him go. He may still be a bit of a prankster, but he's my friend.”
On hearing this, I released my grip and he hit the floor gasping. Fluttershy went to move to him, but I intercepted her, keeping myself between them and Discord at all times. Eventually, he straightened up and sat with his back against the wall, and he looked to Princess Luna. “Well Lulu, it seems your guest is awake. Strong too. Strange how my magic doesn't work on him.” He clicked his talon a few more times, and yet nothing happened.
I only had one theory on this, and the evidence seemed to support it, but I still couldn't reveal much. “Strange creature, just what the FUCK are you?”
“I am a draconequus, my name is Discord, and I am the spirit of chaos. So why isn't my magic working on you?”
Good, he asked. “I can only assume it's because my species evolved from chaos. Even now, somewhere on my planet there is fighting going on. If there was a centre of the universe for chaos, my world would probably be it.” Let's see how you deal with this.
“How delightfully chaotic. Would you permit me to travel there with you?”
“If I knew how to get there.......maybe. But here is a question for you. Can you dodge bullets or shield yourself from them?”
“What on Equestria is a 'bullet'?”
“That's what I thought. Can you be killed?”
“This body can, but my spirit would endure.”
“Then.......you would be dead within a day, and you body would be dissected to see what makes you you. You would then more then likely be put back together, stuffed, and shoved in a museum as an oddity.”
'THUD' 'THUD' 'THUD' I sighed and didn't even bother to look behind me. “They all just fainted, didn't they?”
“Yes, but strangely enough Fluttershy lasted the longest.” Something clicked then and we both started laughing.
“Come on, let's get them to bed. They've had a rough night.” Discord picked up Twilight and Luna in his magic whilst I slung Fluttershy over my shoulder. It hurt like a bitch but it was worth it. Walking outside, and after a brief explanation to the confused guards, we were led to the respective rooms and after Discord had transferred Twilight and Luna to their beds he stopped and looked at me.
“I know she's adorable, but don't you think it would be better if Fluttershy woke up in her own bed?”
“Shut up.”
Fluttershy awoke feeling refreshed and stretched out on her bed. Wait bed? But how did I..why am I...what happened last night? Looking around she saw something huddled up on the couch and went over to investigate. Pulling back the covers revealed him, scrunched up and uncomfortable so the she could get a good nights rest. Oh, this isn't my room. She needed it after all the nights staying up watching him. Gently nudging his shoulder, he rolled over and opened his eyes.
“um, good morning. I was about to head down to breakfast and I was wondering if you'd like to join me. If you want to, I don't mind if you won't....”
He just looked at her before standing up and stretching, causing his bones to pop.
Shit that felt good. Now what's this about breakf...what the fuck is that smell? Lifting my arm up I sniffed and immediately blanched, earning a confused look from the mare in front of me. “Breakfast sounds wonderful, but maybe I could freshen up first. I smell like a pongo.”
“Okay, the bathroom is through there, and there are plenty of towels to accommodate your size.”
I nodded and started to walk towards the door when she asked me a question. “What's a 'pongo'?”
Sighing I turned back to her. “A pongo is a slang term, at least in my country, for any non-commissioned officer and below in the army. It comes from the saying 'where ever the army goes, the pong goes'.”
“But if you are a soldier doesn't that make you a pongo?”
“Huh? No, I'm a crab, or a Brylcreem Boy.” I could see more questions coming and I stepped in before I started telling her the military history of my country. “Later, right now I stink and I feel dirty, so I'm going to clean up.” My stomach then decided to remind me that, as far as I knew, I hadn't eaten for ages. “And then we're going to get breakfast.”
The mare started giggling to herself.
I had no idea how long I stood under the shower. At first I wondered why it was so high up for ponies, but once I felt the warm water thudding in to my skin, I only had one thought running through my mind.
Eventually I had decided, or rather my stomach did, that it was time to get out. Switching off the refreshing flow, I wiped the suds from my eyes and turned to get out. Now, as I thought I was alone, I hadn't bothered to close the shower curtain. That was a mistake. There was a flash of light as I grabbed the curtain and let out a girlish scream, hiding myself away.
“Oh come on, that was for science!!! Now come out and turn the other way so I can get both profiles!”
“No!”
“Why won't you let me do this? It could help ease you transition in to society for the duration of your stay.”
Why did she say that like she found me a way home? “Because I don't plan on walking around naked!!! Humans wear clothes!!”
There was silence for a few moments. I peeked my head and saw Twilight looking at the photo. It had to be a fucking Polaroid!!! And then the pin finally dropped. “Oooooh. Breakfast will beinthemainhall.Fluttershycanshowyouthewaybye!” And with that I was finally left in peace to dry off and get dressed. As I entered the main room Fluttershy was waiting sat on the bed for me.
“What was that kind of singing?” And now I get arrested for crimes against everyones ears!
“I was singing?” A nod. “What was I singing?”
“I couldn't quite hear it properly, but the bits I heard sounded like 'Jenny had a chance, well she really did, Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids, Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job, He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot '. What's pot?”
“Pot is something to make your brain cells die. You see things that aren't there. And you don't make much sense to others around you. Oh and apparently you get the munchies quite bad.”
“Oh my, that sounds like de-coloured rainbow!!” Seriously, that stuffs real? If Pinkie puts it in her cotton candy.... "But your singing, what type was that?”
“That is from a genre on my world called 'rock', specifically 'punk rock'. The group is called 'The Offspring', and the song is called 'The Kids Aren't All Right'.”
“What's it about?”
“Okay now you're asking. My interpretation of it is it's about an area full of possibly successful children and that they are all going to be big in what they choose to do, but things don't go right for them. For example, the guy who plays his guitar and smokes pot? He probably comes up with good music while high, but he never writes it down, so when the effects wear off, he has nothing. And the one who dropped out and had kids? She could have had a decent career, but now she doesn't have time because of motherhood. Which is where the line 'Longing for, Used to be' comes in. If things were the way they were before, then they may have been able to make something of themselves, but you can't change the past. Anyway, that's what I get from it. Now lets eat. Oh, and don't tell anyone else about my singing.”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly!”
We entered the main hall to find the others waiting with the exception of Twilight. I wonder what she's up to? As I went to sit down, Pinkie Pie seemed to grow increasingly nervous and wouldn't stop watching me. It was a little disconcerting, but the fact that there was food on the table made me ignore it. As expected, it was set for equines and fruit eaters. Shrugging, I reached for the fruit bowl when Celestia cleared her throat. I continued to play ignorant to the fact I knew who they were.
“Good morning big white one. Thank you for inviting me to breakfast.”
“You're welcome, and please, call me Celestia. I have one quick question I would like to ask you, although I believe I all ready know the answer.”
“Okay then, shoot.”
“Does you species eat meat?”
I spat out the half a mouthful of the apple I was eating.......on to a very unamused Rarity. “Uh, oops. Sorry about that. To your question, yes we eat meat. We get a lot of protein from it, although some chose to have a vegetarian diet.”
“Are you a vegetarian?”
“No ma'am I'm not. I like my steak too much to give it up.”
“I see, please wait here a moment.” She got up from the table and walked out of my sight.
“Is she going to get the guards?”
They didn't have time to respond as Celestia came back. “Girls, you may wish to leave now, as this may.......disturb you and cause unnecessary distress.”
Rarity was the one to speak up first. “We wouldn't dream of leaving you and your guest, your majesty.”
“Majesty?” I asked, playing dumb.
“Yes, majesty. You are currently dining at the breakfast table of Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and raiser of the sun. And your eating habits leave a lot to be desired in such company.”
Trying to stifle a laugh, and barely succeeding, I turned to Celestia and bowed low. Best play along. “I am sorry if I offended you in a way your highness. If I do something not to your liking, please inform me so that I do not do it again.”
“It is quite all right Mr, Lucky, I believe. I am sure there are others that will do so in my stead.” As she said this she shot Rarity a amused smile. “Now girls, if at any time you feel queasy, then please do not hesitate to leave.” She turned her head to where she had previously walked over to. “Bring it in!”
The first thing to hit me was the smell, and my stomach answered in kind, earning a giggle from Fluttershy. As I heard a set of squeaky wheels turning, I turned my head and met the gaze of a Griffon with a chef hat on. He picked up a tray with a lid on and placed it in front of me. “There you are sir, a proper breakfast for a warrior such as yourself.” With that he lifted the lid and I thought I had died in my sleep.
“BACON!!!!!” Diving in was probably not the best way to go, but if I had been out for a few weeks, then it was at least two months since I'd tasted the crispy burnt flesh of pork. The only thing I could hear whilst stuffing my face was a mad cackling and a soft laughter, mixed with 5 gasps. One of those is for the way I'm eating, but I don't give a fuck.
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BACON! YES.... Bacon is my favorite character is any fan fiction, because the Bacon is always loved.
BACON!!!
2154420>>2155505 Can't beat a bit of bacon. Except with more bacon. I have a.....shocking reveal next chapter, but it leads to some fun.
Working on it now, so don't fret too much.
No one picked up on the reference? That's a shame, they are bunch of good stories, and I'd recommend them to anyone.
2156037 can't wait!
ERMERGERD BERCEN EZ BESHT PERNER
2156196>>2156334>>2156050 I've hit a bit of a wall on the next chapter. I got unicorn guards following me, one white and one grey.
I got the name Lightning Strike for the grey one, but I'm stumped for another name. I got it all typed out, and just need to insert that in there.
Any ideas?
Here's the song