Reality can often be a very difficult thing to deal with. Loss can be hard to bear. And, without warning, everything you once knew can be destroyed in an instance. All these lessons will soon be learned as Sombra reclaims his throne, and his dark intentions are slowly revealed.
(On a side note, Very big thank you to http://tofutiles.deviantart.com/ for making the cover art for this.)
Page generated in 0.118 seconds
Total duration
1,067 users online
1,662,764 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well isn't this interesting. An good plot, well written and I love how you made Sombra. Dark, threatening and cunning. I enjoy this and will hope for more.
Hey Shortstop, I think your story is pretty well done. Overall, I really like where you're going with this. I'll be following this to see how Sombra will be developed. You can see my full review here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZmq3bC-ca8&feature=youtu.be
2143171 Thank you good sir, I did watch it. Thank you, and yes I know some of the descriptions are odd. Basically during this go around I was trying to develop Sombra's (in my opinion) other worldly qualities. As for Shining Armor... I got no excuse, but they can't all be winners. In any case thank you, you are a king among men.
I actually like, it seems very interesting
.
Hey there Shortstop. I feel I can be of use here, so I'm going to write you a review.
The biggest issue I noticed with this story is that you have trouble with over-explaining things. King Sombra does something evil in the story and then he basicly just says something like 'Man I love being evil'. People are smart enough to figure out why characters are doing things most of the time, and the story would have a cleaner flow if you cut a lot of that stuff.
Secondly, there is a lot of king Sombra point of view. This diminishes from the tragedy and makes the story feel more like a comedy. Heres a quote to illustrate:
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
See? That's funny. If we look through king Sombra's eyes we can't truly feel oppressed by the situation. You should either go full on Sombra and try make the story funny, or just keep him as evil and distant.
Also, why didn't you make Sombra more powerful? The skies the limit for a tyrant fic. If he controlled everything in the city and immediately forced everypony into his mines and took away their magic, then let them stew for a few days, we would have a bleak environment. You can give him any power you want.
Why is Sombra being nice to spike? He's a bad guy. Bad guy's are mean. They don't pay back favors; especially not accidental favors. You should make up some better reason for that, like he used to have a dragon and he feels sympathy for them, or whatever floats your boat.
In chapter two you are very blunt to have Luna talk about her feelings and it feels out of place. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry. Try a little subtlety with Luna.
In tradgedy, it's not so much getting the bad news as living with it. If I were writing this story, I would have started at chapter 3 and just had this stuff as a flashback. It adds an element of mystery and solidifies the bleakness of a dictatorship.
You used phrases similar to 'welled up inside' and other cleche's like 'heart jumped into throat'. It actually wasn't that bad. Alot of published books are far worse, but that's something you should try to work out if you want to grow as a writer.
Overall the plot is fine. The only hole I noticed was the spike thing. The pacing is a little off, in that it's too cluttered by unneeded details. It actually reads a little like the mlp official comic, but it doesn't have as good jokes or cute art. Also, the story is fairly predictable. You should try add some false hope and stuff to throw your readers off track.
I hope there's something in there that you can use. Good luck.
2161329 In regard to your critique, thank you for taking the time to do so. But I have a lot planned out for this as time goes on, and there are going to be several twists in the plot. I can't give away anything, but believe me when I say I'm planning on making Sombra the ultimate villain. And the thing with Spike, trust me, it will lead some where. All in all, thank you for your review, and I will take things into account in the next chapter.
2161329
I disagree to the highest extent. We would not have this 'bleak' environment, we would have this boring lifestyle. What would be the 'excitement' and anticipation in that? "Oh boy, another day of boring mining, what fun!" Unless it's like minecraft, It's utterly insipid.
- A dark comedy seems... impossible, I give anyone luck trying to accomplish such a feat. Keep Sombra distant? Shortstop might aswell change the entire description and plot of the story, Keeping Sombra distant will, without a doubt, ruin the story before it even gets interesting.
- I guess you never heard of situational Irony? Having spike as a Sombra's assistant is actually a good idea, the possibilities are endless, and what is a supervillian without a sidekick?
- well... you're not writing it, so how about we just forget about that.
- Although I agree with this 'bluntness' of luna, the story isn't supposed to just please you, nor is it meant for you, lest authors change everything because a viewer disliked it, No one's vision will ever be seen.
So this is my critic to your critic, I ask that you think some of the stuff you say out, and think of possibilities as to why the authors do as they do, instead of saying what they should have done, or what would make it better for you to read.
MOAR! Another chapter please, good sir!
Hey, glad to see you're still working on this.
I really think that this chapter is better than your previous two chapters. Also a very interesting "twist of events" with Sombra and Spike. Nice work!
YEAH! My first dislike!
I really love this story
Well Spike's innocence is gone. Step 1 in the path to darkness.
Badass Sombra is badass
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
I was hoping Sombra would use his powers to make a giant catcher's mitt and catch Cadence with it.
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez continue with this soon! There is surprisingly little stories on how king sombra rules the crystal empire, and this work is absolutely fabulous!! Even when I enter critic mode, I end up slipping back into
mode. Please make next chapter, or king sombra should give YOU 20 cracks of the whip.
Is this story dead?