Archangel's New Assignment

by SabreXio

Bridal Gossip

"Um, Captain" I hear Firestorm say "I think you may want to check on the town. Something weird is going on"

"Such as?" I asked as I grabbed my AUG rifle and Raffica pistol

"All the ponies in town appear to be scrambling to find cover" she said as I exited the armory

"Got it. I'll check it out" I made my way into Ponyville and, lo and behold, not a pony to be seen. I began sweeping the town for any signs of life. After about fifteen minutes of searching, I eventually found Twilight and Spike.

"Hey guys" I said as I slung my weapon over my shoulder "You wouldn't happen to know what's going on would you?"

"No idea" Twilight answered "It's not some pony holiday I would be aware of..."

"You don't think it could be...zombies?" Spike said fearfully

"Spike, the chances of a zombie attack are approximately 16,956,582,761,342 to one against" Guardian said over my speakers

"Translation: Not likely" I said clearing up the answer

"Not likely...but still possible?" he said fearfully

"TWILIGHT, SPIKE, CAPTAIN, OVER HERE" I heard a voice whisper loudly. We all turned and saw Pinkie Pie waving us over to Sugar Cube Corner "HURRY, BEFORE SHE GETS YOU"

"Who?" Spike asked as we made our way inside the dark bakery "the zombie ponies?"

"Zombie ponies?!" Pinkie asked in fright

"Spike, which part of 17 trillion to one did you not understand" I answered

"Pinkie" Twilight asked "why are you alone in the dark?"

"I'm not" she said as Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack's little sister Apple Bloom moved into view

"Ok then what are all of you doing in the dark?" she asked

"We're hidin' from..." Applejack gestured out a window with her hoof "her!"

I moved to the window and, using my telescopic vision, identified the 'her' Applejack was talking about. In the distance, I could see a hooded pony digging at the ground with her hoof. She stopped and looked up at us, her eyes glowing yellow, sending everypony in attendance into a panic. I quickly moved out of the way: If it scares the ponies It may be hostile.

"Did you see her Twilight" Apple Bloom asked "Did you see...Zecora?"
That is an awesome name I thought to myself as I moved to look back out the window.

"Apple Bloom, Ah told you never ta say that name" Applejack scolded

"I saw her look this way" I said continuing to observe

"Look evilly this way" Pinkie said dramatically

"And then all of you flip out for no apparent reason" Twilight finished. Apple Bloom and Applejack began bickering about something, I wasn't really paying attention. Zecora really didn't appear to be a threat, but I wasn't taking any chances. As all the ponies redirected their attention to the window, they witnessed Zecora remove her hood, revealing a black and white striped Mohawk and coat. This drew a gasp from the ponies which Twilight quickly stopped.

"Just look at those stripes" Rarity commented "so garish!"

"She's a Zebra" Twilight declared

"A what?" everypony asked

"Zebras are a species of equine characterized by an alternating pattern of black and white stripes" Guardian recited

"Exactly" Twilight turned to Rarity "those stripes aren't a fashion choice Rarity, she was born with them" Rarity fainted

"Born where?" asked Applejack "Ah've never seen a pony like that in these parts...'cept her"

"Now that you mention it AJ, none of my sensors ever picked up on her" I said as I checked my records

"She's probably not from here, and the Captain's right, I've never seen her here either" said Twilight "Where does she live?"

"That's just it" Applejack said nervously "she lives in...[gulp]...the Everfree forest!" As soon as Applejack finished, a loud crash was heard behind the group. With trained precision, I drew my pistol, released the safety, turned and aimed at the source of the sound: Spike.

"Sorry" he said as he picked up the cupcake pans he knocked over.

"The Everfree forest just ain't natural..." Applejack began but I interrupted

"Yes, yes, we all know about the unnatural Everfree forest" I said a little impatient "Could we please skip ahead a little?"
I watched Pinkie produce a notebook from nowhere and begin frantically flipping through it, reading whatever was written.

"Oh that's me" Pinkie whispered to herself as she replaced the book "And that wicked enchantress Zecora lives there doing her evil...stuff! She's so evil I even wrote a song about her!"

"Seriously?" both Rainbow and I said simultaniously. Only half listening to Pinkie's catchy song, I returned to my observation of the Zebra Zecora. I really didn't see the big deal. After Pinkie's song, Twilight began questioning the ponies.

"This is just alot of gossip and rumors" she began "now tell me; what have you actually seen her do?"

"Well" Dash started "Once a month, she comes into Ponyville"

"Oooooh" Twilight responded sarcastically

"Then she lurks by the shops" Rarity continued

"Dun, dun, duuunnnn" I added dramatically, drawing a familiar look of disdain from Rarity

"And then, she digs at the ground" Fluttershy concluded, drawing another sarcastic response from Twilight. Twilight then began providing her counter-examples for what Zecora could be doing. I was busy trying to come up with a reason as to why my systems had never noticed Zecora. After a few minutes, Applejack made a discovery.

"Hey! Where's Apple Bloom?" she asked

"Scanning" I said as I searched the area with my built-in sensors, finding her quickly "Got it, she appears to be following Zecora"

"Spike stay here in case she comes back" Twilight ordered as the seven of us took off after AJ's sister. We all quickly made our way to the Everfree forest where we saw Apple Bloom following the Zecora. I drew my Raffica and readied for combat.

"Apple Bloom!" Applejack called out "You get back here right now"
Then a new chilling voice spoke up.

"Beware! Beware, you pony folk! Those leaves of blue are not a joke!" Zecora said.
Each pony minus Twilight began jeering against Zecora. Zecora took a step forward.

"Beware! Beware!" she said which I answer with a three round burst from my pistol into a tree, startling the zebra. She disappeared into the forest. After a few minutes of bickering and cryptic comments, we all went our seperate ways. I returned to my base. I spent hours trying to figure out how Zecora eluded my scanners, but to no avail.

"Hey Firestorm" I said with a yawn as I made my way to my quarters "Keep working on this, I'm getting some sleep"

"Yes sir, goodnight" she responded as I layed down for the night.

I woke up from my slumber generally feeling bad.

"Ugh, Je me sens mal( I feel terrible)" I said. Wait, did I just speak French?

"Guardian, ce qui se passe?(Guardian, what's going on?)" I attempted to ask my assistant

"Captain, you know I am unable to translate" He reminded me. I began freaking out trying to identify the problem.

"Captain, are you OK?" Guardian asked "You usually do not use your translator" I tried to reboot my voice modulator, but something was blocking me, even my C.A.S.I.E. mod wasn't responding to my commands. My systems were stuck automatically translating into French.

"Non, quelque chose est très mal ici (No, something is VERY wrong here)" I said. I pointed to his drone platform which he downloaded into. "J'ai besoin de voir Twilight (I need to see Twilight)"
I grabbed my AUG and Raffica again and bolted out the base door on my way to Twilight's library, Guardian's drone in pursuit. I made it there in record time and found the unicorn in a similar state of panic with Spike running around gathering books.

"Twilight!" I said "J'ai besoin d'aide (I need help)"

"What?" she asked

"J'ai dit ...(I said...)" I began to say, but was cut off by guardian.

"The Captain is suffering a major malfunction with his C.A.S.I.E. mod's automatic translator" he said which I affirmed by nodding "I believe he thinks you will be able to help"

"I know, I know" she said a bit frazzled "I've got a similar problem" she shook her head which made her now blue-spotted horn flop back and forth.

"Savez-vous ce qui se passe? (Do you know what's going on?)" I asked
Why do you keep asking? No one can understand you anyway I thought

"ARRGH!" growned Twilight "I can't find anything in these books" that's when Pinkie burst in.

"Ah pfurse!" she said slurring due to her inflammed and blue-spotted tongue.

"How could it be a purse?" asked Spike

"Pinkie what happened?" Twilight asked. Pinkie slurred out an answer equivilent to 'Zecora cursed me'

Then Rainbow Dash crashed in, her wings appeared to be stuck on backwards.
"Look what she did to me" Dash said as she bounced around the room, nearly hitting me.

"Hey! Regardez où vous allez! (Hey! Watch where you're going!)" I said dodging out of the way.

"What in the name of Celestia is going on?" Rarity said from behind us. we all turned to see her, her coat now resembling the Sheepdog from Looney Tunes.

"Personne ne sait (Nobody knows)" I answered

"Well somepony has to know" she said blowing some of her fur out of her face "Wait, you speak Prench?

"Si 'Prench' est quelque chose comme l'homme française, alors oui(If 'Prench' is anything like human French, then yes)" I I answered hoping I had found a translator

"It appears to be similar" she said "I think I can translate for you"

"Dieu merci(thank God)" I said

"Ah hate to say I told y'all so" Said a miniturized Applejack from her sisters back "but I told ya so"

"Wow, un poney de poche (Wow, a pocket-sized pony)" I said then I turned my attention to Fluttershy "Attendez, qu'est-ce qui ne va pas avec Fluttershy?"

"Now that you mention it Captain, there doesn't appear to be a thing wrong with her" Rarity said

"Fluttershy, are you OK?" asked Twilight
Fluttershy nodded no
"Is something wrong?"
Fluttershy nodded yes
"Would you care to tell us?" asked Twilight irritated
no again
"So you're not going to tell us?"
yes

"Good gravy girl!" exclaimed Applejack in her new high-pitched voice "tell us what's wrong with ya!"

"I don't want to talk about it" Fluttershy said in a deep barritone voice. Spike and I lost it laughing at this ridiculousness.

"Je suis désolé Fluttershy (I'm sorry Fluttershy)" I said "Mais c'est vraiment drôle(But that's really funny)"

"Captain, be sensitive" Rarity said

"This is hilarious" Spike said in between boughts of laughter "Look at you. We got: Harity, Rainbow Crash, Spitty Pie, Flutterguy, Apple Teeny..."

"Attention dragon(Careful dragon)" I said threateningly when he got to me, causing him to skip me. Twilight stopped him.

"This is no joke, Spike" she said refocusing him "now start looking for more books so I can find a cure."

"I bet we'll find a cure to this curse at Zecora's place" Rainbow said

"It's not a curse" Twilight said.

"I agree with Dash" said Applejack "We'll go to Zecora's and force her to remove this hex"

"It's not a hex either" Twilight

We all spent a few minutes arguing about what to do when I noticed something.

"Où est Applejack? (Where's Applejack?)" I asked

"What?" asked Twilight

"He said 'where's Applejack'" Rarity translated

"Hey" Twilight said "Where IS Applejack?" All the ponies began frantically searching for the microsized farm-pony, even searching Rarity's hair, much to her chagrin.

"Apple Bloom is gone as well" Guardian announced

"They must have gone after Zecora" Dash said as she bounced off a wall. I drew my rifle and released the safety.

"Well then, we better go get them" said Twilight as she walked to the door. Spike had opted to stay behind.

"Captain, I will remain here and assist Spike" said Guardian. I nodded to the drone

"Wait" said Spike "I have an assistant?"

"Do not push it" said Guardian as we all exited the library and made our way to the Everfree.

We were making our way through the forest which dodging the erratically flying Rainbow Dash the whole time.

"Allez-vous arrêter de faire ça!" I exclaimed as Dash rammed into me for the 78th time

"He said 'stop doing that'" Rarity translated

"I can't help it, WOOOOOOAAAAAH...!" Rainbow responded as her crazy wings shot her off into the forest. Again. I stopped the ponies at the edge of a small clearing.

"This place looks nice" said Rarity after Pinkie lifted her hair out of her face "If you like creepy"

"Voyons voir de plus près" I said

"He said 'let's get a closer look'" she flipped around so fast her hair flew up like a dress "Are you crazy!?
I held up my hand and placed my thumb and index finger a few millimeters apart. I moved quietly to the window with the oddball parade behind me, stacking up on the window to look in. We all saw Zecora adding ingredients to a nasty looking concoction in a cauldron in the center of the room. Then we heard her say something in a foreign language.

"Attendez, je crois que je sais ce langage (Wait, I think I know what language)" I said

"You do?" asked Rarity "What's she saying?"

"Je ne peux pas le traduire, mais j'ai certainement entendu parler cette langue avant" I answered

"What'd he say?" asked Twilight

"He said he can't understand what Zecora said, but he does recognize that language" Rarity explained. Pinkie then perked up, slurring something about her song. She pleaded with Fluttershy who sighed heavily and then sang Pinkie's song in her deep voice.

"J'aime mieux cette version( I like that version better)" I said.

"You may be right Pinkie" Twilight said "The masks, the bizarre language, bubbling cauldron... everything does point to Zecora being bad" Twilight paused but then lit up

"Or what if she's just making soup?" Twilight offered in defense. Then Zecora spoke again.

"Mmm! The perfect temperature for ponies, I presume. Now, where is that little Apple Bloom?"

"OK, j'ai compris que( OK, THAT I understood)" I said

"Or maybe, she's making Apple Bloom soup!" Twilight said paniced. We all moved to the door, stacking up like a SWAT team, when Applejack came screaming down from the sky on Rainbow Dash. All this was missing was Ride of the Valkyries.

"I'm coming for ya Apple Bloom" I heard her shout as I kicked the door open for her. Once inside, Rainbow began bouncing around like a pinball, knocking stuff over, spilling the cauldron and nearly taking Zecora out. The rest of us had already entered, ready to rescue Apple Bloom. I raised my rifle.

"What have you done with Apple Bloom!" Twilight demanded.

"Ponies! What is this you..." she paused to dodge Rainbow Dash "No! You know not what you do! You've gone and spilled my precious brew!"

"We're onto you Zecora" Twilight said "I didn't want to believe that you cursed us, but the evidience is overwhelming!"

"You made me look ridiculous!" Rarity said

"Vous saboté mon équipement (You sabataged my equipment)" I said. Pinkie said something undecipherable

"You made me sound ridiculous" Fluttershy added

"You ruined my horn" Twilight said accusingly

"How dare you!" the zebra said stamping the ground "You destroy my home, destroy my work. Then rudely accuse me of being a jerk?"

"YOU put this curse on us" Dash said after crashing again "Now you're going to UN-curse us"

"It is unwise to venture down this road. Your actions will make my anger explode!" Zecora responded. I stepped forward

"Est-ce une menace? (Is that a threat?)" I said forgetting only Rarity can understand me.

"Where. Is. Apple Bloom" Twilight demanded in a voice that even scared me. As if on cue, Apple Bloom entered the fray.

"Zecora! Ah think Ah found all the things ya asked for" she said cheerilly but quickly realizing the gravity of the situation "What in Ponyville's goin' on here?"
Applejack, who had been trying to wrestle with Zecora's ear stopped.

"Apple Bloom!" she exclaimed in joy "You're ok!"

"'Course I'm ok" she said confused "Why wouldn't Ah be?"
Twilight took a defensive position between Zecora and Apple Bloom.

"Because Zecora is an evil enchantress who cursed us and was gonna cook you up into soup!" she said seriously
Zecora and Apple Bloom began laughing. I looked to Rarity.

"Ai-je raté quelque chose?(Did I miss something?)" I said

"I'm not entirely sure what's going on either Captain" Rarity answered

"Oh Twilight, did those silly fillies finally get to you?" Apple Bloom said still giggling "You know there's no such thing as a curse"

"Apple Bloom, sweetie. You can't just stand there and tell me this isn't a curse" Twilight replied

"This isn't a curse" the filly said

"Apparemment, elle peut (Apparently, she can)" I whispered to Rarity who giggled a little

"If you remember back, the words I spoke were quite exact" Zecora said. We all took a moment to reflect on what she had said before.

"It was a warnin'" Apple Bloom said "about that blue plant. It's called Poison Joke"

"That plant is much like poison oak, but its results are like a joke" the zebra commented

"What in the hay does that mean?" Applejack asked

"It means this plant does not breed wrath. Instead this plant just wants a laugh" Zecora said I think trying to explain

"Oh for the...will somepony talk normal, please?" pleaded Applejack
Twilight perked up, she figured it out.

"I think what she's saying is that when we ran in to save Apple Bloom, we ran into the poison joke" the unicorn explained "All our problems are just little jokes that played on us"

"LITTLE JOKES?!" Applejack said insulted "Very funny"

"Je ne trouve pas cela très drôle" I said

"I agree Captain" Rarity huffed "I don't find this humorous in the slightest"

"OK, fine" Rainbow Dash said still suspicious "But what about the cauldron?"
"And the chanting?" asked Fluttershy
"And the creepy decor?" Rarity asked

"Treasures of the native land where I am from" Zecora explained as she gestured toward two masks "This one speaks 'hello', and this 'welcome'"

"Not welcoming at all if you ask me" Rarity said

"The words I chanted were from olden times" Zecora continued "Something you call a nursery rhyme"

"Je savais que j'avais entendu ça quelque part (I knew I'd heard that somewhere)" I said

"But the cauldron..." Twilight asked confused "the Apple Bloom soup?"

Apple Bloom explained that Zecora wasn't making soup, but a cure for the Poison Joke.

"But I tried to find a cure in all my books and couldn't" Twilight said "What book has this natural remedy"
Zecora walked over to a podium and gestured a hoof toward the book on in.
"Here is the book you see. Sad that you lack it in your library"
Twilight looked at the cover of the book

"Actually, I do have this book, but I didn't look inside because the title was so..." Twilight paused looking for the right word "Weird. Supernaturals: Natural remedies and cure-alls that are simply super. I...I... I'm so sorry Zecora. I had the answer the whole time, if only I had bothered to look inside"

Zecora chuckled "Maybe next time you will take a second look, and not judge the cover of the book"
We all apologized for what we'd done.
"Zecora?" Twilight asked "Would you be kind enough to mix up anothher batch of the herbal bath?"

Zecora nodded "Mix it up I certainly will, yet I am missing an herb from Ponyville"

"But whenever Zecora comes to town, all the shops are 'mysteriously' closed" Apple Bloom added

"Je pense que nous pouvons aider à ce que" I said confidently

"He said we can help with that" Rarity translated

The eight of us quickly made our way back to Ponyville, ready to get what Zecora needed and end this ridiculous. As soon as we entered the town, all the ponies began frantically looking for places to hide. I even heard some talking about us and the 'curse' we had. We all gathered at the door to one shop.

"Daisy, we need to talk" Twilight said to the pony on the other side of the door

"No" she answered "We don't want to be cursed too"
I checked the door with X-Ray and found no ponies behind it.

"Permettez-moi obtenir ce" I said as I moved infront of the door

"He said 'let me get that'" Rarity said. I took my position and in one motion, I had kicked open the door. I stepped to the side and motioned for Twilight to enter.

"Was that really necessary?" asked Twilight

"Probablement pas, mais c'était amusant" I responded

"He said 'probably not, but it was fun'" Rarity translated while face-hoofing.

A few hours later, we all met at the spa for the herbal bath. The others were in the bath having fun but I was standing off to the side out of the pool.

"C'mon Captain, hop in" Rainbow said when she noticed
I nodded no. Instead, I took a cup of the bath water, opened the coolant vent in my arm, and dumped the water in.

"What's he doin'?" asked Apple Bloom who had been helping Zecora. I raised my hand, trying to say 'wait for it', and activated my coolant purge. In a second, my systems began quickly cycling the mixture through my mechanical body, spreading it to every circuit and system. Once the cycle was done I reset my C.A.S.I.E. mod and voice modulator, returning my voice to normal.

"That should do it" I said relieved that I was back to normal

"What was that?" asked Twilight

"Oh, I just ran the bath through my systems from the inside" I explained "See, the scientists who constructed me overlooked one simple detail: they never made me waterproof. If I got in that bath, I'd probably electrocute the six of you... wait, where's Pinkie?"
I soon got my answer. With a howl of joy, Pinkie landed in the bath splashing water everywhere. The first thing I heard after that was Twilight

"Captain, are you OK?" she asked genuinly concerned
I shook some of the water out of my joints.
"Yeah" I said "My systems can handle a little water like rain or splashes, I just can't be submerged"

"Captain" Guardian said over my radio
I reached for my communicator
"Go ahead G"
"I require your assistance back at the library before I am forced to subdue Mr. Spike" he said

"Seriously?" I said with a groan. I turned back to my friends.

"Sorry about this but I gotta go, Guardian needs my help"

"Ok Captain, just let us know if you need help" Rarity said as I made my way to the door
We said our goodbyes and I left to help my hotheaded assistant.

Author's Note:

Wow that was a long one. I used Google Translator to write this one, so yes I'm sure half of the translations are completely wrong. Oh, and my first attempt at Pinkie Pie fourth wall breaking. I am really bad at endings.